Ron Swanson: This is Ron. Go ahead, caller.
Woman: [on the line] Hi. My Yorkshire Terrier has chewed up the legs on my kitchen table. Is there a cheap way to repair that?
Ron Swanson: Great question. Take a walnut and rub it into the legs of your table. That'll mask the scratches. Next thing you want to do is ditch the Terrier and get yourself a proper dog. Any dog under 50 pounds is a cat, and cats are pointless. Come to the gala. Next caller. [cut] Grapes of Wrath, chocolate-chip ice cream, and Johnny Cash. [cut] Don't trust big banks or small banks. Banks are Ponzi schemes run by morons. [cut] Your house isn't haunted. You're lonely. [cut] Whatever happened to, "Hey, I have some apples. Would you like to buy them?" "Yes, thank you." That's as complicated as it should be to open a business in this country. [cut] I've seen three movies in my life: Bridge on the River Kwai, Patton, and Herbie Fully Loaded. My girlfriend's kids love it. It's pretty funny. Next caller.

Leslie Knope: [aside to camera] Well, the planning commission has a week to decide if they want a beautiful, innovative community park or a bunch of greasy lard bombs. I'm not editorializing. Paunch Burger's number-one-selling burger is the Greasy Lard Bomb.

Chris: Okay, casualty update. Only four dead, two of whom were already gravely ill and brothers. That family took a terrible hit.
Leslie Knope: Well, that's great news.
Leonard Tchulm: Not so fast. I regret to inform you that someone in this room has begun exhibiting symptoms, Christopher Traeger.
Leslie Knope: What?
[aside to camera:]
Chris: A few months ago, the thought of an infectious disease, even hypothetical, would have sent me careening towards Bummerville, but now I am infected with a killer virus, and I feel fine. Therapy!

Ron Swanson: Hello, again. I'm Ron Swanson, and I am still taking your calls, hopefully, about tonight's gala. You're on the air.
Man: [on the line] Hi, uh, what's wrong with Joan?
Ron Swanson: She has a bad hangover, which she is pretending is allergies.
Man: Is she gonna be okay?
Ron Swanson: Wouldn't know, never been hungover. After I've had too much whiskey, I cook myself a large flank steak, pan-fried in salted butter. I eat that, put on a pair of wet socks, and go to sleep.
Man: That works?
Ron Swanson: It does. Please call now if you have questions about tonight's gala or one of my other interests: woodworking, uh, novels about tall ships, meat, that sort of thing.

Andy: First, we do the written exam, and then we do the personality evaluation, which I feel like I'm gonna nail, 'cause people always say, "But he's got a great personality." Okay, quiz me.
April: Okay, what does it mean when an officer calls in a 3542?
Andy: Assault and battery. The way I remember that, I picture 35 a-salt shakers and 42 batteries.
April: Great. What is the criminal code for arson?
Andy: Arson is 533. You know how I remember that? I picture 533 salt shakers and batteries lighting a building on fire.

Officer Killnose: So this test will determine whether you have the right personality profile to be a police officer. Just to make sure the machine is working, is your name Andy?
Andy: I don't know how to answer that.
Officer Killnose: A simple "yes" or "no."
Andy: Well, everyone calls me Andy, but my full name is Andrew, I think, so... No? Wait. Yes.
Officer Killnose: Let's move on. Scenario: a high-school-aged child asks to hold your service revolver. What do you do?
Andy: Yes, I give it to him. When I was a kid, I always wanted to hold a cop's gun. To make that dream come true for another kid... Well, that's what being a cop is all about.
Officer Killnose: Scenario: you pull a car over for speeding, you find out that it's your father. How do you handle the situation?
Andy: Ooh. Well, first, I would be like, "Dad... You're alive? What the hell? Also, do you know where my catcher's mitt is?"

Ron Swanson: Hello. I'm here for the interview about tonight's gala.
Joan Callamezzo: Yeah, listen, I'm a little under the weather. I went on a booze cruise last week. It just finished up an hour ago. On a completely unrelated note, I have horrible allergies.
Ron Swanson: I'm sorry to hear that.
Joan Callamezzo: Yeah.
Ron Swanson: But I do need to promote this event.
Joan Callamezzo: Don't worry about me. I'm a true professional. The show must go on.
Director: In five, four, three, two...
Joan Callamezzo: Hello. I'm Joan Callamezzo. Today's show will not go on.

Leslie Knope: I just want to say thank you for all your hard work this week. Give yourselves a hand. [applause] But your applause is premature.
Ann: You just told us to applaud.
Leslie Knope: Well, if I told you to jump off a bridge, would you do it? I hope so, because the only way that this gala is going to happen is if you do everything I say.

Chris: [siren wailing] Leslie! Leslie, we need you back at the command center right now! We have a class-one city emergency.
Jerry: Oh, my God. Gayle. My girls!
Leslie Knope: What's the emergency?
Chris: Oh, this is just a drill, but I am having so much fun pretending it's real.
Leslie Knope: Are you kidding me? The disaster-preparedness people picked today?
[aside to camera:]
Leslie Knope: Each year every city in Indiana is reviewed by the Department of Emergency Preparedness. And Pawnee has failed 12 years in a row. On last year's report, they stated, "Every time it so much as drizzles in Pawnee, the town is in danger of collapsing into Thunderdome-style, post-apocalyptic mayhem."

Leonard Tchulm: I'm afraid I have some very bad news.
Chris: "I, Chris Traeger, after several sustained hours of diarrhea, combined with violent coughing and a devastating fever, followed by even more diarrhea, have succumbed to the avian flu."
[aside to camera:]
Chris: I'm dead. [gives thumbs up]