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‘Emergency Response’ Quotes

Parks and Recreation: Emergency Response

513. Emergency Response

Aired February 14, 2013

Leslie and Ben's plans to hold a gala dinner to raise money for the park are disrupted by an emergency preparedness drill. Meanwhile, Andy takes his police exam, and Ron goes on TV and finds himself filling in for a drunk Joan Callamezzo.

Quote from Ron Swanson

Ron Swanson: This is Ron. Go ahead, caller.
Woman: [on the line] Hi. My Yorkshire Terrier has chewed up the legs on my kitchen table. Is there a cheap way to repair that?
Ron Swanson: Great question. Take a walnut and rub it into the legs of your table. That'll mask the scratches. Next thing you want to do is ditch the Terrier and get yourself a proper dog. Any dog under 50 pounds is a cat, and cats are pointless. Come to the gala. Next caller. [cut] Grapes of Wrath, chocolate-chip ice cream, and Johnny Cash. [cut] Don't trust big banks or small banks. Banks are Ponzi schemes run by morons. [cut] Your house isn't haunted. You're lonely. [cut] Whatever happened to, "Hey, I have some apples. Would you like to buy them?" "Yes, thank you." That's as complicated as it should be to open a business in this country. [cut] I've seen three movies in my life: Bridge on the River Kwai, Patton, and Herbie Fully Loaded. My girlfriend's kids love it. It's pretty funny. Next caller.

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Quote from Leslie Knope

Leslie Knope: [aside to camera] Well, the planning commission has a week to decide if they want a beautiful, innovative community park or a bunch of greasy lard bombs. I'm not editorializing. Paunch Burger's number-one-selling burger is the Greasy Lard Bomb.

Quote from Chris

Chris: Okay, casualty update. Only four dead, two of whom were already gravely ill and brothers. That family took a terrible hit.
Leslie Knope: Well, that's great news.
Leonard Tchulm: Not so fast. I regret to inform you that someone in this room has begun exhibiting symptoms, Christopher Traeger.
Leslie Knope: What?
[aside to camera:]
Chris: A few months ago, the thought of an infectious disease, even hypothetical, would have sent me careening towards Bummerville, but now I am infected with a killer virus, and I feel fine. Therapy!

Quote from Andy

Andy: First, we do the written exam, and then we do the personality evaluation, which I feel like I'm gonna nail, 'cause people always say, "But he's got a great personality." Okay, quiz me.
April: Okay, what does it mean when an officer calls in a 3542?
Andy: Assault and battery. The way I remember that, I picture 35 a-salt shakers and 42 batteries.
April: Great. What is the criminal code for arson?
Andy: Arson is 533. You know how I remember that? I picture 533 salt shakers and batteries lighting a building on fire.

Quote from Andy

Officer Killnose: So this test will determine whether you have the right personality profile to be a police officer. Just to make sure the machine is working, is your name Andy?
Andy: I don't know how to answer that.
Officer Killnose: A simple "yes" or "no."
Andy: Well, everyone calls me Andy, but my full name is Andrew, I think, so... No? Wait. Yes.
Officer Killnose: Let's move on. Scenario: a high-school-aged child asks to hold your service revolver. What do you do?
Andy: Yes, I give it to him. When I was a kid, I always wanted to hold a cop's gun. To make that dream come true for another kid... Well, that's what being a cop is all about.
Officer Killnose: Scenario: you pull a car over for speeding, you find out that it's your father. How do you handle the situation?
Andy: Ooh. Well, first, I would be like, "Dad... You're alive? What the hell? Also, do you know where my catcher's mitt is?"

Quote from Ron Swanson

Ron Swanson: Hello, again. I'm Ron Swanson, and I am still taking your calls, hopefully, about tonight's gala. You're on the air.
Man: [on the line] Hi, uh, what's wrong with Joan?
Ron Swanson: She has a bad hangover, which she is pretending is allergies.
Man: Is she gonna be okay?
Ron Swanson: Wouldn't know, never been hungover. After I've had too much whiskey, I cook myself a large flank steak, pan-fried in salted butter. I eat that, put on a pair of wet socks, and go to sleep.
Man: That works?
Ron Swanson: It does. Please call now if you have questions about tonight's gala or one of my other interests: woodworking, uh, novels about tall ships, meat, that sort of thing.

Quote from Joan Callamezzo

Ron Swanson: Hello. I'm here for the interview about tonight's gala.
Joan Callamezzo: Yeah, listen, I'm a little under the weather. I went on a booze cruise last week. It just finished up an hour ago. On a completely unrelated note, I have horrible allergies.
Ron Swanson: I'm sorry to hear that.
Joan Callamezzo: Yeah.
Ron Swanson: But I do need to promote this event.
Joan Callamezzo: Don't worry about me. I'm a true professional. The show must go on.
Director: In five, four, three, two...
Joan Callamezzo: Hello. I'm Joan Callamezzo. Today's show will not go on.

Quote from Leslie Knope

Leslie Knope: I just want to say thank you for all your hard work this week. Give yourselves a hand. [applause] But your applause is premature.
Ann: You just told us to applaud.
Leslie Knope: Well, if I told you to jump off a bridge, would you do it? I hope so, because the only way that this gala is going to happen is if you do everything I say.

Quote from Leslie Knope

Chris: [siren wailing] Leslie! Leslie, we need you back at the command center right now! We have a class-one city emergency.
Jerry: Oh, my God. Gayle. My girls!
Leslie Knope: What's the emergency?
Chris: Oh, this is just a drill, but I am having so much fun pretending it's real.
Leslie Knope: Are you kidding me? The disaster-preparedness people picked today?
[aside to camera:]
Leslie Knope: Each year every city in Indiana is reviewed by the Department of Emergency Preparedness. And Pawnee has failed 12 years in a row. On last year's report, they stated, "Every time it so much as drizzles in Pawnee, the town is in danger of collapsing into Thunderdome-style, post-apocalyptic mayhem."

Quote from Chris

Leonard Tchulm: I'm afraid I have some very bad news.
Chris: "I, Chris Traeger, after several sustained hours of diarrhea, combined with violent coughing and a devastating fever, followed by even more diarrhea, have succumbed to the avian flu."
[aside to camera:]
Chris: I'm dead. [gives thumbs up]

Quote from Leslie Knope

Leslie Knope: If I could sum up the Pawnee Commons in one word, it would be: Dynamite. "Dynamite" stands for daring, youth-friendly, natural, amazing, merry, inviting, tourist attraction-y, and eco-friendly.
Bill: Thank you, Councilwoman Knope. Very, very thorough and so many acronyms.
Leslie Knope: I know. [laughs]

Quote from Leslie Knope

Bill: Councilman Jamm?
Councilman Jamm: Thank you, Bill. No, please, everyone be seated. Let the record show there was a standing ovation.
Ann: No, there wasn't.
Leslie Knope: There was not.
Councilman Jamm: History will decide. My plan for lot 48 is simple. But why read it when you can shove it right in your face? I want to sell this lot to Paunch Burger. Here's why. We make money. They make money. They make burgers. We eat burgers. That's a win-win-win-win. Presentation over. Jamm out.

Quote from Tom

Leslie Knope: What are we going to do, guys? How are we going to get that money?
Tom: Hey, come on. Cheer up, little pups. Registering for your wedding is the most important moment of your lives. Love... Love fades away. But things... Things are forever.
Ben: That's beautiful. Did the Dalai Lama say that?
Tom: Ooh! A citrus reamer! Oh, this is the only way to ream citrus. You're gonna need two of these.

Quote from Tom

Leslie Knope: Tom, I need you to contact three more food vendors on this list, and they need to do it for free.
Tom: I'm omelet. Get it? "I'm on it," "I'm omelet"?
Leslie Knope: I get it, and I love it, but I don't have time for food puns right now.
Tom: Okay, I'm heading out. Good-pie.
Leslie Knope: [laughs] Go.
Tom: Gurt. Go-gurt. I'm incredible.

Quote from April

Andy: Oh, I'm nervous.
April: Babe, look at me. You are going to pass this test, and you are going to become a cop. And if you don't, I'll just divorce you and marry someone else and then cheat on them with you.
Andy: [chuckling] Aw, that's so sweet.
April: Also, I got you a lucky charm. I found a dead rabbit on the side of the road, and I cut its feet off and made it into a lucky charm.
Andy: Baby, you are so creepy. Thank you. I love it.

Quote from Leslie Knope

Leslie Knope: [aside to camera] The most important event that I have ever organized in my entire life is happening in eight hours, and I am stuck in this room. This is a nightmare. Wait. Maybe this is a nightmare. [sighs] Nope, can't fly away. This is real life.

Quote from Leslie Knope

Leonard Tchulm: And now, I'm going to open one of these ten envelopes at random to determine your simulated disaster. [envelope opening] Pawnee has been hit by, a strain of avian flu.
Leslie Knope: Yes! Avian flu! Jackpot. This is a simple one, guys. Everybody open their binders, okay?
Councilman Jamm: "The Knope Protocol"?
Ann: Uh, correction. That's "Mission Im-Pawnee-able: Knope Protocol."

Quote from Leslie Knope

Leslie Knope: Now, if everyone just follows my instructions, we will ace this test, and we will be done in 90 minutes.
Chris: "Step one) insert the DVD scenario."
Leslie Knope: Hmm, what could be on this?
[on video:]
Leslie Knope: Good evening, this is Channel 4 lead anchor Willow Tremaine, with breaking news. Avian flu has just hit the town of Pawnee. We go live now to St. Joseph's Medical Center for an update.
Leslie Knope: [Italian accent] Hello, my name is Donatella Breckinridge, M.D. I graduated first in my class from Harvard Medical School, so I know what I'm talking about. This is the avian flu, or we call "H5N1."

Quote from Ron Swanson

Ben: Oh, God. Leslie was gonna go on Pawnee Today to promote the gala.
Ron Swanson: I'll do it.
Ben: No offense, Ron, but I don't think you'd be great on TV.
Ron Swanson: I can speak in full sentences, and I won't cry.
Ben: Fair point. I did cry last time. Godspeed.

Quote from Tom

Tom: Mmm! Smells amazing, Chef. What you cooking? Little coq au vin? Little bouillabaisse?
Chef Krantz: You can stop the ass-kissing, Haverford. I know why you're here. I cannot do the gala. It doesn't make business sense to cater something that big for free.
Tom: Please. If the gala doesn't go perfectly, the lot could become a Paunch Burger. Doesn't that offend your refined Parisian sensibilities?
Chef Krantz: I'm from Orlando. And I don't care about the Paunch Burger. If it was another French restaurant, maybe I'd worry.
Tom: Hey! Well, you know what?
Chef Krantz: What? What? What you got for me? Get out of my kitchen!
Tom: Okay, okay, okay. I'm sorry, sorry, sorry. Pardon! Pardon!

Quote from Tom

Leslie Knope: Oh, my God. You did all this? How did you get food?
Tom: I had a classic stroke of Haverford genius. Who has the most to lose from a new Paunch Burger? Their competitors. I got all the other fast-food places in town to donate food. I know black tie and chicky tenders isn't the best mix, but...
Leslie Knope: No, Tom, I love it. And more importantly, so will all of our more ample citizens.

Quote from Ron Swanson

Leslie Knope: How did you get the word out?
Ben: Well, Ron went on Joan's show and kicked ass.
Ron Swanson: I also helped a child perform a tracheotomy on his elderly uncle. It's been a very rewarding day.

Quote from Ben

Leslie Knope: This is the best wedding present ever. This is the best night ever. I wish we were getting married tonight.
Ben: Well, we only have three more months.
Leslie Knope: I can't wait three more months. God, I just hate the feeling of not being married to you.
Ben: Well... Let's just do it, then. Let's get married... Here, tonight. I mean, we're all in black tie. We've got plenty of food and entertainment... And you did want to invite the whole town to the wedding, right? Leslie... Let's get married... Tonight.

Quote from Leslie Knope

Leslie Knope: Breaking news, I've just been handed this. Pawnee has been hit by a devastating earthquake. We go to our reporter, live, Winnifred Makepiece, for the story. Winnifred?
Leslie Knope: Thanks, Jessica. I'm here at the Pawnee Weather Center with celebrated geologist Isabella Winchester. Isabella, can you tell us more about this killer earthquake?
Leslie Knope: [British accent] That's right, Winnifred, the earthquake registered an 8.5 on the Richter scale. That's correct. It was a large one.
Leslie Knope: Thank you so much, everyone. From all of us here at Channel 4 News, I'm Jessica Rabrit. Have a good evening and be safe out there. [humming news theme]

Quote from Ron Swanson

Ron Swanson: It seems like her allergies are kicking in. [Joan snores] My name is Ron Swanson. I am here to tell you about a black-tie gala fund-raiser for Pawnee Commons happening tonight. All proceeds will go toward building a park. It will be enjoyable. [Joan snores]
Director: Take a- Take a phone call.
Ron Swanson: Now I will take your calls, apparently. Yes?
Woman: [on the line] Hey, Joan, settle a bet for me. Who's the sexiest couple in history? R-Patz and K-Stew, or Bieber- [Ron hangs up]


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