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‘Dave Returns’ Quotes

Parks and Recreation: Dave Returns

415. Dave Returns

Aired February 16, 2012

As Leslie and Ben try to get the endorsement of the departing police chief, Dave Sanderson returns. Meanwhile, Andy enlists his colleagues' help recording a song for Leslie's campaign, and Ann is annoyed that Tom thinks they're in a relationship.

Quote from Ron Swanson

April: That's vandalism.
Ron Swanson: I have a problem. This happens to be the studio where a local saxophone legend named Duke Silver records his albums.
April: I've heard of him. I heard he makes mature women swoon when he plays.
Ron Swanson: From what I've heard about Duke, he's kind of a private guy. He doesn't want his nosy coworkers discussing his music with him or knowing that he exists. So, if you happen to see any memorabilia laying around, kindly and discreetly discard it.

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Quote from April

April: You got it, Duke.
Ron Swanson: Don't call me that.
April: I dig your groovy tunes, man. Did you hear me? I said, "I dig your groovy tunes, man."

Quote from Andy

April: Listen up, people. This is very serious. Jerry, if you're eating, you're not listening.
Andy: Thanks, babe. I don't know how many of you have heard, but there's a flesh-eating virus going around. Yeah. It's called "music," and there's only one way to get a vaccine, and that is to play it. To play the-- you get an injection--
Ron Swanson: Just say your piece, son.
Andy: I have finished writing Leslie's campaign anthem. It's called Catch Your Dream, and it's amazing. It's kind of like We Are The World, except I actually think it could have a real impact on society.

Quote from Andy

Andy: Yo, Chuck, we're going to go ahead and play and sing at the same time. I want this to have the electricity of a live concert.
Burly: So we have to play it perfectly every time?
Andy: [laughs] No, Burly, play it "unperfectly."
Burly: You mean imperfectly?
Andy: I mean perfectly.
April: God, that was hot nonsense.

Quote from Ben

Ben: [aside to camera] I'm not afraid of cops. I have no reason to be. I never break any laws, ever... Because I'm deathly afraid of cops.

Quote from Tom

Tom: Hey, Boo-boo bear.
Ann: What did you just call me?
Tom: Boo-boo bear. It's one of several nicknames I made up for you, and you can choose which one you like best, 'cause I want this to be a give and take.
Ann: Okay, we went out once, and nothing happened. There is no "this."
Tom: We have "cookie tush"...
Ann: Wow, just right out the gate.
Tom: "Winnie the boo," "Lady presh-presh," "Ann-Berry sauce," "Annie get your boo," "Tommy's girl," "Annie banannie--" Hey!

Quote from Andy

Andy: Here's the thing. We need backup singers, and I thought, "who better to be backup singers than Leslie's campaign team?"
[aside to camera:]
Andy: Everyone's got something they're in charge of for Leslie's campaign. My job is the song. She originally put me in charge of hot dogs at this fund-raising barbecue, and I dropped them all. All of them, like a thousand, so I really want to do a good job.

Quote from Leslie Knope

Leslie Knope: [aside to camera] Dave is a great person, and he's a great judge of character. Tonight he's going to endorse Ben, and Trumple is going to endorse me. Double endorsement. Ooh, that sounds like an Ashley Judd movie.

Quote from Tom

Tom: All right, let's do this. [clears desk]
Ann: What are you doing?
Tom: Is this not one of those? I might have misread the vibe.
Ann: Oh, my God, dude, you have to be cooler about this. Look, I told Leslie because she's my best friend, but if anybody finds out about this and they start jabbering, it's gonna make it really hard to know if this is actually anything, so just keep it on the DL, okay?
Tom: I feel like you're embarrassed by me.
Ann: That is accurate.
Tom: Can I at least change my Facebook status to "In a relationship"?
Ann: Definitely not.
Tom: "It's complicated"?
Ann: [sighs] Whatever.
[aside to camera:]
Tom: Am I in a relationship? [clicks] It's complicated.

Quote from Ben

Leslie Knope: Chief Trumple, nice to see you.
Chief Trumple: Hi, Hey, Knope. Wyatt.
Ben: Been a long time, eh, cap'n? O Captain, my Captain.
Chief Trumple: You getting weird already?
Ben: Nope, I'm good.

Quote from Leslie Knope

Leslie Knope: [aside to camera] Pawnee's police chief is retiring, and I'm trying to get his endorsement before he goes. I'm really nervous because I need this for my campaign. And Ben is really nervous because he is afraid of cops.

Quote from Ben

Chief Trumple: Look, Knope, I've always liked you. But the Newports run this town. And frankly, they've donated a lot of money to the department.
Ben: Mo' money, mo' problems, that's what I always say.
Chief Trumple: How about "mo' money, more protective kevlar vests" that save lives"?
Ben: I-I... Sometimes I say that, too.

Quote from Ben

Leslie Knope: I understand you need to think about it, but if you were going to make a decision--
Chief Trumple: The guys are throwing me a little retirement thing tonight at O'Flynnigans. There's gonna be beer. So why don't you swing by? I'll give you an answer. Weirdo can come, too.
Ben: All right.
Leslie Knope: Let's go.
Ben: Oh, hey, uh, may I say...
Leslie Knope: Don't.
Ben: That the boys in blue...
Leslie Knope: Stop.
Ben: .. are heroes. Obviously some more than others. Oh, boy, here it comes. 9/11.

Quote from Ron Swanson

Andy: So we're gonna record this bitch tonight, 6:00, Doubletime Studio.
Ron Swanson: Doubletime, you said? Little brick building over on Liondale Road?
Andy: Yeah, you know the one?
Ron Swanson: No.

Quote from Tom

Ann: You told them.
Tom: [scoffs] What?
Ann: I asked you for one thing.
Tom: Fine. I told them we went on a date.
Ann: When?
Tom: As soon as I possibly could. I texted them while we were on the date. I'm sorry. But you are too hot to hide, Ann. This is on you.

Quote from Donna

Donna: Hey. When you two spoon, who spoons who?

Quote from Ben

Ben: Excuse me. I'm gonna use the bathroom.
Dave Sanderson: Uh, you mean "the whiz palace." Leslie calls it that sometimes.
Ben: I know. It's kind of cute, right?
Dave Sanderson: Yeah, that's real cute.

Quote from Ben

Ben: Hey. Whizzingham manor. [silence] It's another funny name for the bathroom... That I thought of.

Quote from Andy

All: Catch your dream [Ron snaps fingers] and shackle it to your heart. Catch your- [Ron snaps fingers]
Andy: No, no, no, no, no. Was that a joke? Were you joking just now? Because if so, that was hilarious...ly awful...ly funny how bad that was. Why don't you take 15 minutes and really think about whether or not you want to be part of this?
April: He's a gorgeous genius, people. Don't question his methods.

Quote from Chris

Chris: Tom, am I to understand correctly that you are now romantically involved with Ann Perkins?
Tom: Tsk. Oh, are you about to give me the whole "She's a great girl, I need to treat her right" speech, since you guys used to date?
Chris: No. But she is, and you should. I just had no idea, and so now I have to... Adjust. [stares off into the distance]
Tom: Tsk. Okay, great talk.

Quote from Ben

Ben: Okay, honestly, how do you think I'm doing? 'Cause I feel like we're getting along pretty well.
Leslie Knope: He said he's still in love with me.
Ben: What's that?
Leslie Knope: While you were in the bathroom, he said he was still in love with me.
Ben: Oh, my God. Leslie, he's a cop. He's in love with you, and he has a gun?
Leslie Knope: Can you just not freak out?
Ben: I'm not freaking out!

Quote from April

Andy: I got some hot tea with honey, good for the voice. I recommend you all try it. Mine's really just a cup of honey, 'cause tea is gross. Now, here's the thing. We're gonna start from scratch. We're gonna get rid of this whole sucky vibe. I'm thinking we could- [April smashes Duke Silver mug Andy is drinking from]
April: Whoo! To the man! I was thinking, like, a crazy rock star vibe!
Andy: See where her head's at? Follow her lead. That was amazing.

Quote from Tom

Andy: Next thing, I want to hear how all of us sing on our own, so we can figure out where we're going wrong. This is not an audition, so relax. But if you don't sing good, you're out of here.
Tom: [whispering] I think you sound like an angel, and everyone else sounds like demons.
Ann: I think you shouldn't whisper.
[aside to camera:]
Tom: Yeah, Ann's mad at me now, but I have a few tricks up my sleeve. I don't want to brag, but I have a ton of experience with women being mad at me.

Quote from Chris

Andy: Chris, you're first. Sing anything you want. Let me hear it.
Chris: Okay. [sings] Take me out to the ball game Take me out to the game I just want to be at the game I would like to eat at the game I'd like popcorn and candy and the home team At the game!
Andy: Boom.

Quote from Leslie Knope

Dave Sanderson: Oh, actually, Ben, would you mind if I talked to Leslie alone?
Ben: Uh, actually, Dave, I'd like to talk to you.
Dave Sanderson: I don't want to talk to you. I want to talk to Leslie.
Ben: Well, I want to talk to you, and if not, then I'd like to talk to Leslie.
Leslie Knope: Well, I'd like to talk to Ben, and then I'd like the three of us to talk together.
Dave Sanderson: Well, then I'll talk to Ben, and then you-- and then I'll talk to you, and then you'll talk to each other, and then we'll all three talk, then.
Ben: All right.
Leslie Knope: So who's talking now?

Quote from Tom

All: [sings] Catch your dream Don't let it spread its wings and fly away
Tom: Stop the song, stop the song right now! Please, stop it!
Ann: Oh, for [bleep] sake.
Tom: Ann, I caught feelings for you, and I want you to be my girl, and I don't care who knows.
Ann: I know you don't care, dummy. I care.
Tom: Let's not get hung up on who wants what.
Ann: You know what? I'm calling this. We're done.
Tom: What about our next date? If you want another date, keep walking away.

Quote from Ben

Leslie Knope: Are you okay?
Ben: Yeah. I have to pee really bad, ironically.

Quote from Tom

Tom: [aside to camera] Would you look at that? Nature is throwing me a bone. Haverford playbook move number two: "Ladies love a guy waiting for them in the rain."

Quote from Ron Swanson

Ron Swanson: I never thought I'd say this to you, son, but you may be overthinking this.
Andy: This song has to be perfect, Ron, okay? Leslie trusted me with it. I can't come up with some brilliant political idea, can I? This is the only way I can help. Maybe if I hit my head against the ground. That's worked before.
Ron Swanson: Leslie is going to love it, I promise.
Andy: No offense, Ron, but what do you know about music?
Ron Swanson: Mm. Tsk. Hey, take a walk. Clear your head. I bet it does you some good.

Quote from Leslie Knope

Leslie Knope: I don't want to say, "I told you so," but...
Ben: What? I was the one who didn't want to go.
Leslie Knope: I know. I was hoping you wouldn't remember. I'm sorry.

Quote from Tom

Ann: What happened to you?
Tom: I was waiting outside in the rain for you, 'cause I thought you would come out and be like, "aw, he's all wet. That's so romantic," but you didn't, and now I got the "sniffness."
Ann: What on earth would make you think I would like that?
Tom: Movies.
Ann: Oh, God, Tom! Why do you have to be so "you" all the time?
Tom: I'm sorry. Will you help me get out of these wet clothes?

Quote from Ben

Police Officer #1: Hey, you want a beer?
Ben: Oh, okay.
Police Officer #1: If you're driving, I can't give you a beer.
Ben: Oh, well, then, no, thank you.
Police Officer #2: It's a celebration, man. You have to have a drink.
Ben: I'll definitely have one.
Police Officer #1: Don't make a mistake you'll always regret.
Ben: Please, just tell me what you want me to do.

Quote from Ron Swanson

Andy: All right, guys, here's the deal, we got to completely start over. I wrote a new song. It's called The Promise Of Tomorrow's Wings. It's brilliant, about a billion times better than Catch Your Dreams, which I realize now sucks ass. Hey, Chuck, go ahead and just delete everything, all right?
Ron Swanson: Hold on, Chuck. Just listen to the song one more time, and then make a decision.
["Catch Your Dreams" with saxophone plays]
Andy: Where's that saxophone coming from?
Ron Swanson: I don't know. I don't know the first thing about music.
Andy: Whoa, is that a new mix? It sounds way better.
Ron Swanson: See? You just needed to clear your head.

Quote from Ben

Ben: I am telling you that Leslie, in the long run, is so much better for this police department than Bobby Newport is. [cops yell]
Police Officer: No, no, no, no! It's just a--it's paper. It's--I was reaching for paper.
Chief Trumple: It's all right, boys.
Ben: Leslie has a plan to raise cops' pensions and increase benefits without cutting back on hours. Newport's just gonna keep on buying you guys a couple new cars or some new uniforms, as always. That guy's all about short-term solutions. Pretty sweet sauce in there, eh, Ace?
Chief Trumple: What's wrong with you?
Ben: I don't know.

Quote from Leslie Knope

Leslie Knope: [aside to camera] Trumple gave me the endorsement, which is great, but really, the only endorsement that matters is Ben's, and I locked that sucker up a long time ago. Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm about endorse ten beers into my mouth, 'cause this has been an incredibly stressful evening.

Quote from Tom

Tom: All right, look, I know I messed up, but there's something I got to say to you. No playbook, no gimmicks, just me, Tom, talking to you as a person.
Ann: Okay, I would like that.
Tom: Good, 'cause this is what I really want to say. [sings] Baby, I'm sorry for how I acted But if you give me another chance I could be the boo of your dreams, girl So, when you're sleeping and you're dreamin' of a boo I want that boo to be me, I want me to be that boo So will you date me? I'm saying date me

Quote from Tom

Ann: I will go out with you. Enough, please!
Tom: Really?
Ann: Yes. Dude, you wore me down. Just stop singing, please.
[aside to camera:]
Tom: The four sweetest words in the English language, "You wore me down."

Quote from Leslie Knope

Leslie Knope: Um, Ben, this, uh-- this is my-- this is Dave Sanderson.
Ben: Oh, hey. Nice to meet you.
[aside to camera:]
Dave Sanderson: Uh, yes, uh, Leslie Knope is a female person with whom I was involved. We had a romantic-- "romantical" involvement until I relocated to San Diego, which is-- that's in California, which is southwest of here by a number of miles. So we terminated our involvement at that time.

Quote from Leslie Knope

Leslie Knope: Are you here for a while?
Dave Sanderson: No, just tonight, for the chief's retirement thing.
Leslie Knope: Oh, yeah, we're going to that, too, actually, but we're gonna go a little later, 'cause first, we're going to have dinner at a really nice new French restaurant.
Dave Sanderson: Cool. I'm gonna go to the gas station and get a frozen burrito and eat it right there at that table.
Ben: Well, see you later.
Leslie Knope: You should come to dinner with us.
Dave Sanderson: Okay.

Quote from Leslie Knope

Dave Sanderson: Can I just please talk to you about this for five minutes?
Leslie Knope: No, you cannot bring this up at all when my boyfriend is here.
Dave Sanderson: Okay, we'll get rid of him. That's a good call.
Leslie Knope: No, bad call. That's not the call.
Dave Sanderson: Okay, if we leave now while he's in the whiz palace...
Leslie Knope: No, listen to me.

Quote from Ben

Dave Sanderson: I need you to know something, man-to-man. I still have feelings for Leslie, in a womanly fashion, and I believe she feels the same towards me, in a manly way.
Ben: She doesn't feel the same way, because she has a boyfriend-- um, me, and--and-- and--and we love each other.
Dave Sanderson: That's--that information is-- it's not pertinent...
Ben: Well, I--
Dave Sanderson: Frankly, at this juncture. I just said to you one thing, and you're "contraring" me.
Ben: I don't think that's a word.
Dave Sanderson: I think we'd all appreciate it if you would just let me have three minutes with her alone. Consequently, I'd like you to clear the area.
Ben: Okay, I'm sorry, I'm not gonna give my blessing for you to go and try and win my girlfriend away from me. I think that that's reasonable.
Dave Sanderson: Okay. Okay, and I want to thank you. I want to thank you for having this talk with me... Man-to-man.
Ben: Oh, well, thank you. Thank you very much. [Dave handcuffs Ben to the urinal] What-- what are you doing?
Dave Sanderson: I'm doing that.

Quote from Leslie Knope

Leslie Knope: So, if you move here, I hope we can be friends, but I love Ben. He comes first, and if you're going to act like an ass, I can't talk to you, ever.
Dave Sanderson: Okay, that's fair. I-I'm sorry. That was dumb, all that stuff I did. You just-- you make me crazy, and I guess I'm just surprised that-- you know, that's the guy you fell in love with. He's very--well, he's shrimpy, and he's small.
Leslie Knope: Shrimpy or not... He's smart, and he's cute, and he's kind, and he's funny, and he's got a great face and nice hair, and he's--
Dave Sanderson: Okay, I get it. I surrender. I just want to know that you're happy and you're protected.
Leslie Knope: I'm very happy. And he's not shrimpy. A few weeks ago, a guy called me a bitch in a bowling alley, and he punched him in the face.
Dave Sanderson: Oh, good man. I mean him, for doing that, not the guy who called you a bitch. You tell me where he is. I'll punch him, too.


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