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‘Pawnee Commons’ Quotes

Parks and Recreation: Pawnee Commons

508. Pawnee Commons

Aired November 29, 2012

Leslie is uneasy when Ben hires a star architect from Eagleton to design the Pawnee park. Meanwhile, Tom's colleagues help him set up his Rent-A-Swag store, and Andy finds his security guard job isn't as riveting as he expected.

Quote from Leslie Knope

Ben: Look at this guy. "30 years of experience with a degree in architecture from the Royal Danish Academy of Fine Arts in Copenhagen."
Leslie Knope: Wow! Beautiful fountain. Perfectly manicured shrubbery. This is like Parks Department porn. This guy is great. I don't care if he's some junkie war criminal pimp. I am not gonna change my mind.
Ben: His name's Wreston St. James. He's from Eagleton.
Leslie Knope: Oh, I've changed my mind.
[aside to camera:]
Leslie Knope: I'm not being melodramatic when I say that people from Eagleton are snobby and evil, and they look down on Pawnee, and they would most likely exterminate everyone who isn't from Eagleton if they weren't so busy being obsessed with themselves. [exhales] God, that was close. Sometimes when I rant about Eagleton, I forget to breathe, and I pass out.

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Quote from Leslie Knope

Leslie Knope: [aside to camera] Well, they always wine and dine you first, but the fact of the matter is Eagletonians are, without exception, snobby, condescending jerks. This is the Pawnee side of our border with Eagleton... [sign: "Now Leaving Pawnee. Come Back Soon!"] And this is the Eagleton side. [sign: "Now Entering Pawnee. Good Luck With That!"]

Quote from Tom

Tom: This is the best I can do for now. And I'm $46 under budget. Now I have a small treat for you guys for all your hard work. Pizza party!
Jerry: One small pizza for all of us. With no toppings.
Tom: Cheese is a topping, Jerry. And why are these lights blaring, by the way? Does someone here own stock in the electric company?
Ron Swanson: Hmm. If there were more food and fewer people, this would be a perfect party.

Quote from Tom

Tom: Friends, former lovers, acquaintances, Jerry, I introduce you to the future home of... Rent-A-Swag! Yikes.
[aside to camera:]
Tom: Much like women in '90s stand-up comedy routines, Tommy be shopping. I started a business where I rent my fancy clothes to teens so their parents don't have to buy them nice things they'll just grow out of. So if you see a 14-year-old kid wearing a Louis Vuitton cravat, you know who to thank. Me. And Louis Vuitton for making some dope-ass cravats.

Quote from Donna

Tom: Well done, team. What do you think of the place?
Ann: Do you really like this yellow paint? I mean, I know it was on sale, but it looks a lot like dried phlegm.
Donna: For real, Tom. This place is sad. I think one of the mannequins tried to commit suicide.

Quote from Leslie Knope

Producer: Support for Pawnee Community Radio comes from listeners like you and from the new film The Shadows of Seven Heads, the dramic tale of an Israeli soldier who falls in love with conjoined Palestinian sextuplets. Out soon from Focus Features.
Derry Murbles: Welcome to "Thought For Your Thoughts." I'm your host Derry Murbles, sitting in for Nina Joplin, who is touring the country performing a spoken-word opera about pear-shaped women. My guest today is City Councilwoman Leslie Knope.
Leslie Knope: It is a pleasure to be back, Derry. Your show last week on dolphin lactation was just riveting radio. Derry, my team and I are trying to build a park, and we need input on the design from you, the citizens of Pawnee. So I guess I'm here to send out the Bat-Signal.
Derry Murbles: A Bat-Signal, for listeners who might not know, refers to the children's character "the Bat-Man" a strong gentleman who fights crime nocturnally.
Leslie Knope: That's correct. Well put. This park is going to be a celebration of Pawnee by Pawnee and for Pawnee. So, you know, send in your plan or your resume... And quick. Please. Hurry. This is all gonna fall apart if you don't hurry.
Derry Murbles: Coming up after the break, movie reviews with Ken Tucker who is filling in for David Bianculli who's in New York filling in for Ken Tucker. Leslie, would you like to introduce the next segment?
Leslie Knope: Okay. "Now it's time for 'Jazz Plus Jazz Equals Jazz,' today we have a recording of Benny Goodman played over a separate recording of Miles Davis." [both recordings playing simultaneously]
Derry Murbles: Research shows that our listeners love jazz.

Quote from Tom

Ron Swanson: Son, I love wildlife, but is a store the best place for it?
Jerry: Help.
Tom: The place needs some work, but this is a great location. Lots of foot traffic, no metered parking. And it's well within my fiscal range.
Donna: Good use of the word fiscal, Tommy, very upscale. Very impressive.
Chris: Watching you gives me faith that anyone can reinvent themselves.
Tom: Tommy Timberlake is dead. Long live Thomas M. Haverford, responsible tycoon.
Jerry: Help. I can't move.

Quote from Andy

Andy: [aside to camera] Chris gave me this great job as a weekend security guard at City Hall. Only one problem, it's a terrible job. I did everything I was supposed to do, and I walked around the building four times. Only 20 minutes has gone by. Ugh! Thought maybe ten minutes had gone by since I started talking. It's only been 15 seconds. [deep sigh]

Quote from Ben

Wreston St. James: As you can see, we like to keep things quite immaculate. I remember when Pawnee had that massive sewage overflow in Circle Park, whatever happened with that?
Leslie Knope: We totally fixed it.
Ben: Well, except for the smell. The scientists think it's going to linger for another 40 years.

Quote from Leslie Knope

Leslie Knope: [aside to camera] No one from Eagleton has ever wanted to help anyone from Pawnee for any reason. In 1988, we were hit by a tornado. We asked Eagleton for help, and they claimed they weren't home. An entire town claimed they weren't home. I don't trust that guy for a second.
Ben: Leslie, look what Wreston commissioned from the balloon artisan. It's us.
[Leslie takes the balloons and throws them in the lake]

Quote from Tom

Tom: Great work, team. Donna, you and your work are ravishing, as usual. Ann, great organizational skills.
Ann: Wow. Genuine praise.
Tom: It's a tip I picked up from Lee Iacocca's autobiography. A small connection between you and your workers helps build loyalty. Jerry! How's the old ticker?
Jerry: Oh. Well, uh, the rehab is grueling-
Tom: Great! Glad to hear it. Yo, Roomba, drop a beat! ["Heigh-Ho" from Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs plays]
[aside to camera:]
Tom: Rent-A-Swag is gonna be the opposite of Entertainment720. This is my last chance. If this goes down in flames, I will have nothing except my looks. I could always pimp myself out to hot older ladies. I need to remember that.

Quote from Leslie Knope

Leslie Knope: May, 1817. A scrappy group of frontiersmen and women arrive at a hardscrabble chunk of land and call it Pawnee, Indiana.
Wreston St. James: We owe them a debt of gratitude.
Leslie Knope: Mm. June, 1817, the richest among them take all of their money from the bank and then flee up the hill like cowards to form Eagleton. Recognize any of your ancestors among the meanies?
Wreston St. James: Actually, like most people from the area, I have ancestors on both sides. That's why I think this rivalry is just a little silly and self-defeating.
Ben: Yeah, you may not know this, but Leslie was actually born in Eagleton.
Leslie Knope: Do not blame me for the sins of my mother.

Quote from Chris

Chris: I am just filled to the brim with questions. Why are you using this wood? Is it more pliable? What are these metal latches? Are they copper or brass? Is one better? And if so, why?
Ron Swanson: If I tell you, then you won't have learned anything.
Chris: [laughs] Another in a long line of lessons from the great Ron Swanson.
[aside to camera:]
Chris: My therapist, Dr. Richard Nygard, suggested that I try some non-exercise-based hobbies. So I've been studying woodworking with Ron. I made this. Before I started, it was bigger.

Quote from Ron Swanson

Ron Swanson: Here. I have designed something very important. Why don't you start work on that right away?
Chris: Yes, sir!
[aside to camera:]
Ron Swanson: It's a flight of stairs that leads to nowhere.

Quote from Leslie Knope

Ben: Were you listening to him when he was talking about serving the public and making our communities better? You know who he sounds like, right?
Leslie Knope: Yes. Idi Amin. Or Lord Voldemort.
Ben: No. You. Now, you've been very rude to him, and you need to apologize.
Leslie Knope: Ha ha ha. You are a laugh riot, Ben. I am never going to apologize to someone from Eagleton.

Quote from Tom

Tom: Attention, please. I've been going over the books, and I'm missing $9. Now, I'm not angry at whoever took it. Just come forward. You'll be served with a lawsuit, and we will move on with our lives.
Ann: Hey, buddy, let's go get some breakfast, okay?
Tom: Fine. It was your idea, so you're paying. You're driving. I'm not chipping in for gas.
Ann: Okay. All right.

Quote from Tom

Tom: I'll have the pancake breakfast. Oh, let me also get 12 eggs, uncooked, and some toast. 20 slices, untoasted, in a row in a bag.
JJ's Waiter: You want a carton of eggs and a loaf of bread.
Ann: Yeah, just the pancake breakfast is fine.
Tom: Don't offer to pay if you're gonna be cheap.

Quote from Tom

Ann: Listen, man, I know you don't want to repeat the mistakes of Entertainment 720, and that's great, but you're gonna need a little bit of the old Tom to make this business work.
Tom: No. That Tom ruined everything.
Ann: Yes, he did, and that Tom made you a horrible boyfriend and a terrible employee and drove you to bankruptcy.
Tom: Are we nearing the point?
Ann: But your swagger and your showmanship and your confidence is part of you, and in small doses, it can help. You can't have Rent-A-Swag without the swag.
Tom: I barely have enough cash to get everything set up.
Ann: I know. Take this. We all chipped in. Use it to spruce up the store. And in return you can give us like one share of stock in the company. Like a mini public offering.
Tom: "Smort", Ann. Smort. This is a cause for celebration. Waiter! Eight strips of bacon, uncooked, in a sealed package.

Quote from Ben

Wreston St. James: I call it the Pawnee Commons, a celebration of Pawnee's history and people.
Leslie Knope: A Wamapoke-themed playground... Food trucks from local restaurants, Li'l Sebastian fountain. I mean, it's perfect.
Wreston St. James: Thank you.
Leslie Knope: I can't see myself fighting you on more than 60% of these ideas.
Wreston St. James: I'd expect no less. I'm just glad you like it.
Leslie Knope: I've never met two people more passionate about their hometown.
Ben: Oh, I'm actually from Minnesota.
Wreston St. James: Why do you know so much about Pawnee?
Ben: Well, I'm in love with a woman from here. A strange, passionate, goof ball of a woman.
Leslie Knope: [giggles] Me. He's in love with me. [they kiss]

Quote from Tom

Tom: Welcome to the new new Rent-A-Swag now with 30% more swag. I used the money you guys gave me to add a little flair, and I took everything I own in my house and brought it here, except for my bed. I basically live here now.
Ron Swanson: I hate all of this, which probably means it's good for your business.
Chris: Ron, my woodworking project, it's for displaying shoes!
Ron Swanson: Yes. That was always the plan.
Tom: All right, Rent-A-Swag team, I have one more little surprise for you--pizza party! Part Two.
Ann: Oh, wow! Two pizzas. And toppings!
Tom: Only on half. I'm not Zuckerberg. Eat up, chumps.

Quote from Andy

Andy: Oh, babe, thank God you're here. I got so bored, I started thinking about existence. "Do I matter? Do any of us? Is there a master plan in the works, a grand design?" Just dumb stuff like that.
April: Ugh! Who cares?
Andy: [sighs I thought being a security guard would be exciting. Nope.
April: Wait a minute. Isn't this how all great Burt Macklin cases start? It's quiet. A little too quiet.


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