Ben: Look at this guy. "30 years of experience with a degree in architecture from the Royal Danish Academy of Fine Arts in Copenhagen."
Leslie Knope: Wow! Beautiful fountain. Perfectly manicured shrubbery. This is like Parks Department porn. This guy is great. I don't care if he's some junkie war criminal pimp. I am not gonna change my mind.
Ben: His name's Wreston St. James. He's from Eagleton.
Leslie Knope: Oh, I've changed my mind.
[aside to camera:]
Leslie Knope: I'm not being melodramatic when I say that people from Eagleton are snobby and evil, and they look down on Pawnee, and they would most likely exterminate everyone who isn't from Eagleton if they weren't so busy being obsessed with themselves. [exhales] God, that was close. Sometimes when I rant about Eagleton, I forget to breathe, and I pass out.

Leslie Knope: [aside to camera] Well, they always wine and dine you first, but the fact of the matter is Eagletonians are, without exception, snobby, condescending jerks. This is the Pawnee side of our border with Eagleton... [sign: "Now Leaving Pawnee. Come Back Soon!"] And this is the Eagleton side. [sign: "Now Entering Pawnee. Good Luck With That!"]

Tom: This is the best I can do for now. And I'm $46 under budget. Now I have a small treat for you guys for all your hard work. Pizza party!
Jerry: One small pizza for all of us. With no toppings.
Tom: Cheese is a topping, Jerry. And why are these lights blaring, by the way? Does someone here own stock in the electric company?
Ron Swanson: Hmm. If there were more food and fewer people, this would be a perfect party.

Tom: Friends, former lovers, acquaintances, Jerry, I introduce you to the future home of... Rent-A-Swag! Yikes.
[aside to camera:]
Tom: Much like women in '90s stand-up comedy routines, Tommy be shopping. I started a business where I rent my fancy clothes to teens so their parents don't have to buy them nice things they'll just grow out of. So if you see a 14-year-old kid wearing a Louis Vuitton cravat, you know who to thank. Me. And Louis Vuitton for making some dope-ass cravats.

Tom: Well done, team. What do you think of the place?
Ann: Do you really like this yellow paint? I mean, I know it was on sale, but it looks a lot like dried phlegm.
Donna: For real, Tom. This place is sad. I think one of the mannequins tried to commit suicide.

Producer: Support for Pawnee Community Radio comes from listeners like you and from the new film The Shadows of Seven Heads, the dramic tale of an Israeli soldier who falls in love with conjoined Palestinian sextuplets. Out soon from Focus Features.
Derry Murbles: Welcome to "Thought For Your Thoughts." I'm your host Derry Murbles, sitting in for Nina Joplin, who is touring the country performing a spoken-word opera about pear-shaped women. My guest today is City Councilwoman Leslie Knope.
Leslie Knope: It is a pleasure to be back, Derry. Your show last week on dolphin lactation was just riveting radio. Derry, my team and I are trying to build a park, and we need input on the design from you, the citizens of Pawnee. So I guess I'm here to send out the Bat-Signal.
Derry Murbles: A Bat-Signal, for listeners who might not know, refers to the children's character "the Bat-Man" a strong gentleman who fights crime nocturnally.
Leslie Knope: That's correct. Well put. This park is going to be a celebration of Pawnee by Pawnee and for Pawnee. So, you know, send in your plan or your resume... And quick. Please. Hurry. This is all gonna fall apart if you don't hurry.
Derry Murbles: Coming up after the break, movie reviews with Ken Tucker who is filling in for David Bianculli who's in New York filling in for Ken Tucker. Leslie, would you like to introduce the next segment?
Leslie Knope: Okay. "Now it's time for 'Jazz Plus Jazz Equals Jazz,' today we have a recording of Benny Goodman played over a separate recording of Miles Davis." [both recordings playing simultaneously]
Derry Murbles: Research shows that our listeners love jazz.

Ron Swanson: Here. I have designed something very important. Why don't you start work on that right away?
Chris: Yes, sir!
[aside to camera:]
Ron Swanson: It's a flight of stairs that leads to nowhere.

Ron Swanson: Son, I love wildlife, but is a store the best place for it?
Jerry: Help.
Tom: The place needs some work, but this is a great location. Lots of foot traffic, no metered parking. And it's well within my fiscal range.
Donna: Good use of the word fiscal, Tommy, very upscale. Very impressive.
Chris: Watching you gives me faith that anyone can reinvent themselves.
Tom: Tommy Timberlake is dead. Long live Thomas M. Haverford, responsible tycoon.
Jerry: Help. I can't move.

Andy: [aside to camera] Chris gave me this great job as a weekend security guard at City Hall. Only one problem, it's a terrible job. I did everything I was supposed to do, and I walked around the building four times. Only 20 minutes has gone by. Ugh! Thought maybe ten minutes had gone by since I started talking. It's only been 15 seconds. [deep sigh]

Leslie Knope: [aside to camera] No one from Eagleton has ever wanted to help anyone from Pawnee for any reason. In 1988, we were hit by a tornado. We asked Eagleton for help, and they claimed they weren't home. An entire town claimed they weren't home. I don't trust that guy for a second.
Ben: Leslie, look what Wreston commissioned from the balloon artisan. It's us.
[Leslie takes the balloons and throws them in the lake]