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‘Swing Vote’ Quotes

Parks and Recreation: Swing Vote

521. Swing Vote

Aired April 25, 2013

When Leslie and Ron end up on opposing sides when it comes to a publicly-owned mini-golf venue, they need Councilman Jamm's swing vote. Meanwhile, Tom asks Ann to help him break up with Mona-Lisa, and Andy is upset to learn that Mouse Rat goes on without him.

Quote from Leslie Knope

Leslie Knope: Hey! What the hell is this?
Ron Swanson: I'm guessing it's my latest budget cut proposal based on your rage sweat.
Leslie Knope: First of all, I am rage glowing. Second, you wanna cut funding for the Pawnee Palms Public Putt-Putt? What did the P.P.P.P.P. ever do to you?
[aside to camera:]
Leslie Knope: Ron is very anti-government, and he has that philosophy, but there are just certain things that you don't cut. Schools, police, mini-golf, merry-go-rounds, parades, gazebo repair, roads and bridges, whatever. Pretty gardens, hummingbird feeders.

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Quote from Ron Swanson

Ron Swanson: I believe in cutting useless government projects. I also believe in cutting useful projects, future projects, and past projects. The Hoover Dam is a travesty.
Leslie Knope: You also believe in making furniture. Why don't you go solder a chair instead?
Ron Swanson: Do you expect me to make a chair out of transistor chips and small wires?

Quote from Andy

Andy: Oh, hey, everybody. My name is Andy Dwyer. You probably know me as the artist formerly known as the lead singer of Mouse Rat. Well, after tonight, you'll only know me as the former artist formerly known as the lead singer of Mouse Rat. I'm retiring from music. This is my swan song.
[plays guitar and sings] Once I was a golden swan Swan of a man Now that swan's name was Andy And he started a rock and roll band He made incredible nachos That everybody claimed they loved And then the band mates dicked him over With a massive rock and roll shove This is my swan song Watch me fly.

Quote from Leslie Knope

Leslie Knope: I have six things to say to you. One, you drive me nuts with your rigid code of honor. Two, congratulations, putt-putt has been defunded. And only because Jamm was going to double-cross you, and I made him stick to his word. Three, I am furious that putt-putt has been defunded. Four, I am sorry that I said the gorilla's blood was on your hands. 'Twas Leslie killed the beast. Five, Putt-putt is for children, and they are the future, and I have already written a ballot measure that will save it, and it will pass. And six, your rigid code of honor, which drives me nuts, makes you a wonderful human being, and I am proud to call you my friend, and don't ever change.
Ron Swanson: You want a drink?
Leslie Knope: Very much.

Quote from Andy

Andy: You know what, I'm retiring from music.
April: Andy. Andy.
Andy: Done. But not without first a monster farewell performance solo on this stage tonight, everybody. I'ma show these idiots what a big mistake they made. I need piece of paper, I need a pen, I need four more beers, I need a computer fan, I need a lightning bolt of inspiration. It's song writing time.
Ben: What do you need a computer fan for?
Andy: Sometimes when you use a computer, it gets hot, and the fan cools it down.

Quote from Leslie Knope

Ron Swanson: Look, the defunding of the mini-golf course is on the agenda for the city council meeting tomorrow. I'm sure you'll argue against it with your trademark vigor.
Leslie Knope: Oh, I will argue, and I'm gonna win. That putt-putt is gonna be around forever, and when I am done with it, it'll attract more visitors than the Hoover Dam. And it'll produce double the amount of electricity.
Ron Swanson: How?
Leslie Knope: I'll figure it out. It already has windmills. Who cares?

Quote from Ben

Andy: Can I get two beers and an ice water for my friend here, designated driver?
Ben: I am? You drove here.
Andy: Nah, it's too late, bro. I already ordered the water. I don't know what you want me to do.
[aside to camera:]
Ben: Andy and I just closed a big donation to the Redwood Music Program, a charity he discovered, so I suggested we all go out for a celebratory drink. And somehow I just ended up becoming the designated driver. And paying for everyone. And I didn't get to choose the bar. I should be more assertive.

Quote from Tom

Tom: Uh, Perkins, sit down. I just heard that you and Traeger might be getting back together.
Ann: Yeah, it's funny, right? I mean, we're already planning on having a baby together. We're not quite a couple but--
Tom: Yeah. Cool. Congrats. Listen, I need your help. My girlfriend is crazy.
Ann: You say that about every girl you date. You said that about me.
Tom: Calm down, Ann. You're proving my point. Seriously, Mona-Lisa is legit insane. She once jumped out of a moving car to buy a Nicki Minaj poster.

Quote from Chris

Leslie Knope: Okay, I need to have Jamm fall in love with this place, so I'm rolling out the red carpet. I need you to stay upbeat. Keep things light.
Chris: Absolutely. I can be a sort of... Conversational lubricant.
Leslie Knope: Yeah, there's probably a less gross way to say it, but sure.
[aside to camera:]
Chris: I love being a caddy. It's so much more than just carrying clubs. It's about offering positive reinforcement. I consider myself a caddy to everyone in my life. Nice shot! Great sweeping. Way to be, duck.

Quote from Andy

Andy: Well, hello, Burly, Chang.
Burly: Hey, man, what's up?
Andy: I was just over at the bar, enjoying a wonderful night with my co-workers who all talked about how awesome I was, and I look up, and what do I see? A band. But you're missing something like, uh, I don't know, your lead singer/songwriter/ T-shirt designer/nacho chef. What's up?
Burly: First of all, your nachos are terrible. No one's had the guts to tell you. Why don't you melt the cheese?
Andy: [scoffs]

Quote from Leslie Knope

Councilman Jamm: Get me a Budweiser Black Crown. You guys got Black Crown here? If not, you should.
Chris: Ron, are you gonna be joining us?
Ron Swanson: I won't be playing. I'm simply here to remind Councilman Jamm that this ridiculous play palace costs the taxpayers thousands of dollars a year.
Leslie Knope: And what a bargain. I mean, kids love it, adults love it, Jamm loves it. Everybody loves it. It's like the Toy Story 3 of places.

Quote from April

Andy: I'm done with that band. I mean, I'm an adult now, you know? I work two part-time jobs. Hello. I don't need the stress of playing guitar with my friends every few weeks.
April: Yeah, plus look how bad they are without you. Burly's terrible.
Andy: He actually has a really beautiful voice for a backup singer.
April: Right, that's what I meant.
[aside to camera:]
April: I love Andy, but to be perfectly honest, Mouse Rat's music is not my thing. I really only listen to, like, German Death Reggae and Halloween sound effects records from the 1950s. And Bette Midler. Obviously.

Quote from Andy

Andy: Well, hello, fellow employees. Co-workers, I bid you adieu.
Donna: Whoa, fancy Andy.
Andy: Oh, me? No. This is just how I dress now. Funny goofball music Andy... [imitates fart] is gone. You're left with the professional remains. I'm an adult now. I'm gonna focus on business, which is good. Give me more time to play video games.

Quote from Ron Swanson

Ron Swanson: Good gravy.
Leslie Knope: Oh, hello, Ron. I believe you know this gorilla. It used to bring joy to hundreds of Pawnee families, but then you got rid of its habitat, so it died. Your office shall serve as its monkey tomb.
Ron Swanson: How much did you pay for this?
Leslie Knope: Irrelevant. I would pay any amount of money to properly shame you.
Ron Swanson: Leslie, you should know by now that I live my life according to a certain set of principles, and I do not deviate from them.
Leslie Knope: Right, I mean, God forbid you're flexible in any way. You should just stick to your stupid, rigid, anti-government principles. But you know what? Those principles stink. They're not the right principles.
Ron Swanson: You may think so. I do not. Thank you for my new silver-backed friend. I like him very much. I will call him "$9,000 of taxpayer money the gorilla."
Leslie Knope: That is a terrible-- His name is Mr. Fuzzyface!

Quote from Tom

Tom: Anyway, here's your chenille blanket. You earned it. Thanks for your help.
Ann: Tom, thank you.
Tom: Eh, be nice to Chenille O'Neal.
Ann: I will.
Tom: It needs to be brushed regularly. Never use a lint roller. I'm dead serious.
Ann: Okay.
Tom: And keep it out of direct sunlight. If I see this at one picnic, I swear--
Ann: Okay, you know what, I don't even want it anymore.
Tom: Yes! Thank you!

Quote from Leslie Knope

Leslie Knope: I have been in the city council for almost a year, and I'm proud of what I've done. But every once in a while, I end up in a situation that makes my stomach queasy.
Ron Swanson: You're in politics. What did you expect?
Leslie Knope: Frankly, I hoped it would be like dealing with you. People with strong opinions hashing it out respectfully. And then you either realize that I'm right or you get hungry and go home and I win.
Ron Swanson: There are a lot of Jeremy Jamms along the path you're walking. I suppose you just need to figure out whether it's a path you truly wanna walk.
Leslie Knope: Yeah. I'm taking that gorilla with me and putting it back in the putt-putt when it reopens.
Ron Swanson: Sorry, no. That gorilla was a gift from a very determined co-worker whom I respect. And there's a certain code of honor that accompanies gift-giving.
Leslie Knope: God, you're the worst.


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