Leslie Knope: Hey! What the hell is this?
Ron Swanson: I'm guessing it's my latest budget cut proposal based on your rage sweat.
Leslie Knope: First of all, I am rage glowing. Second, you wanna cut funding for the Pawnee Palms Public Putt-Putt? What did the P.P.P.P.P. ever do to you?
[aside to camera:]
Leslie Knope: Ron is very anti-government, and he has that philosophy, but there are just certain things that you don't cut. Schools, police, mini-golf, merry-go-rounds, parades, gazebo repair, roads and bridges, whatever. Pretty gardens, hummingbird feeders.

Ron Swanson: I believe in cutting useless government projects. I also believe in cutting useful projects, future projects, and past projects. The Hoover Dam is a travesty.
Leslie Knope: You also believe in making furniture. Why don't you go solder a chair instead?
Ron Swanson: Do you expect me to make a chair out of transistor chips and small wires?

Andy: Oh, hey, everybody. My name is Andy Dwyer. You probably know me as the artist formerly known as the lead singer of Mouse Rat. Well, after tonight, you'll only know me as the former artist formerly known as the lead singer of Mouse Rat. I'm retiring from music. This is my swan song.
[plays guitar and sings] Once I was a golden swan Swan of a man Now that swan's name was Andy And he started a rock and roll band He made incredible nachos That everybody claimed they loved And then the band mates dicked him over With a massive rock and roll shove This is my swan song Watch me fly.

Leslie Knope: I have six things to say to you. One, you drive me nuts with your rigid code of honor. Two, congratulations, putt-putt has been defunded. And only because Jamm was going to double-cross you, and I made him stick to his word. Three, I am furious that putt-putt has been defunded. Four, I am sorry that I said the gorilla's blood was on your hands. 'Twas Leslie killed the beast. Five, Putt-putt is for children, and they are the future, and I have already written a ballot measure that will save it, and it will pass. And six, your rigid code of honor, which drives me nuts, makes you a wonderful human being, and I am proud to call you my friend, and don't ever change.
Ron Swanson: You want a drink?
Leslie Knope: Very much.

Ron Swanson: Good gravy.
Leslie Knope: Oh, hello, Ron. I believe you know this gorilla. It used to bring joy to hundreds of Pawnee families, but then you got rid of its habitat, so it died. Your office shall serve as its monkey tomb.
Ron Swanson: How much did you pay for this?
Leslie Knope: Irrelevant. I would pay any amount of money to properly shame you.
Ron Swanson: Leslie, you should know by now that I live my life according to a certain set of principles, and I do not deviate from them.
Leslie Knope: Right, I mean, God forbid you're flexible in any way. You should just stick to your stupid, rigid, anti-government principles. But you know what? Those principles stink. They're not the right principles.
Ron Swanson: You may think so. I do not. Thank you for my new silver-backed friend. I like him very much. I will call him "$9,000 of taxpayer money the gorilla."
Leslie Knope: That is a terrible-- His name is Mr. Fuzzyface!

Andy: You know what, I'm retiring from music.
April: Andy. Andy.
Andy: Done. But not without first a monster farewell performance solo on this stage tonight, everybody. I'ma show these idiots what a big mistake they made. I need piece of paper, I need a pen, I need four more beers, I need a computer fan, I need a lightning bolt of inspiration. It's song writing time.
Ben: What do you need a computer fan for?
Andy: Sometimes when you use a computer, it gets hot, and the fan cools it down.

Ron Swanson: Look, the defunding of the mini-golf course is on the agenda for the city council meeting tomorrow. I'm sure you'll argue against it with your trademark vigor.
Leslie Knope: Oh, I will argue, and I'm gonna win. That putt-putt is gonna be around forever, and when I am done with it, it'll attract more visitors than the Hoover Dam. And it'll produce double the amount of electricity.
Ron Swanson: How?
Leslie Knope: I'll figure it out. It already has windmills. Who cares?

Andy: Can I get two beers and an ice water for my friend here, designated driver?
Ben: I am? You drove here.
Andy: Nah, it's too late, bro. I already ordered the water. I don't know what you want me to do.
[aside to camera:]
Ben: Andy and I just closed a big donation to the Redwood Music Program, a charity he discovered, so I suggested we all go out for a celebratory drink. And somehow I just ended up becoming the designated driver. And paying for everyone. And I didn't get to choose the bar. I should be more assertive.

Tom: Uh, Perkins, sit down. I just heard that you and Traeger might be getting back together.
Ann: Yeah, it's funny, right? I mean, we're already planning on having a baby together. We're not quite a couple but--
Tom: Yeah. Cool. Congrats. Listen, I need your help. My girlfriend is crazy.
Ann: You say that about every girl you date. You said that about me.
Tom: Calm down, Ann. You're proving my point. Seriously, Mona-Lisa is legit insane. She once jumped out of a moving car to buy a Nicki Minaj poster.

Leslie Knope: Okay, I need to have Jamm fall in love with this place, so I'm rolling out the red carpet. I need you to stay upbeat. Keep things light.
Chris: Absolutely. I can be a sort of... Conversational lubricant.
Leslie Knope: Yeah, there's probably a less gross way to say it, but sure.
[aside to camera:]
Chris: I love being a caddy. It's so much more than just carrying clubs. It's about offering positive reinforcement. I consider myself a caddy to everyone in my life. Nice shot! Great sweeping. Way to be, duck.