Jean-Ralphio: [annoying call] T-Cups, we did it, baby. We built a company from the ground up.
Tom: And then we ran it into the ground.
Jean-Ralphio: Well, the important thing to remember is that it was a massive success. Remy Martin?
[aside to camera:]
Tom: Well, Entertainment 7Twenty is dead. It's up in company heaven. Along with Pets.com, Blockbuster and Ask Jeeves. My company is no better than a company where you ask a fake butler to Google things for you.

Ron Swanson: [aside to camera] What religion am I? Well, I'm a practicing none of your [bleep] business.

[at the Grand Canyon:]
Andy: It's so much more beautiful than I could have ever even imagined.
April: Yeah. I'm trying to find a way to be annoyed by it, but... Coming up empty.
Andy: Thank you so much. I never would have ever done this without you. Thank you. Where's all the faces? Like the presidents.

Ron Swanson: Evening, gentlemen.
All: Hey, Ron!
Ron Swanson: Hail Zorp.
Herb Scaifer: How are you?
Ron Swanson: I'm great. It is a beautiful night for the end of the world. Congratulations to all of you for reaching the finish line.
[aside to camera:]
Ron Swanson: The Zorpies are ridiculous. But, like the founding fathers, I believe in absolute freedom of religion. Also their ceremonies require the playing of flutes. I happen to make flutes in my wood shop.

April: Let's do something weird. Come on, it could be the last night on earth.
Andy: We could do something off my bucket list.
April: You have a bucket list?
[aside to camera:]
Andy: Catch the winning touchdown at the super bowl. Make the most amazing grilled-cheese sandwich ever. Win the lottery. Ride a unicycle. Invent something. Fly first class on a plane, and when people are walking by be like this, [smug laugh]. Go skydiving. Outrun a hippo. I'd like to remake the movie Kazaam with Shaquille O'Neal where he plays a genie and I'd like to get it right. Teach my son to make a perfect spiral. Have a son.

Chris: Herb, I just speed-read both of your books. And, full disclosure, I think they're bonkers-filled. But I did notice that you're interested in reincarnation. Tell me about that.
Herb Scaifer: Well, it makes sense, doesn't it? From the universe, we emerge. Into the universe, we return. And there are infinite forms we can take in infinite universes.
Chris: What a lovely thought.
Herb Scaifer: Well, this morning at dawn, you will take a new form. That of a fleshless, chattering skeleton when Zorp the surveyor arrives and burns your flesh off with his volcano mouth.
Chris: That was very strange what you just said. I don't like it as much as that other thing you said.

Leslie Knope: Okay, Herb, what can I do you for?
Herb Scaifer: Well, please prepare yourself. I have terrible news.
Leslie Knope: You do?
Herb Scaifer: The world is going to end tomorrow at dawn.
Leslie Knope: Aw nuts. You sure it's tomorrow?
Herb Scaifer: Afraid so. Right at dawn. The entire planet... [explosion sound]. Gone.
Leslie Knope: Not giving me much notice, Herb. Let me see what I can do.
[aside to camera:]
Leslie Knope: For a while in the 1970s, our town was run by a freaky cult. And every few years the remaining members predicted the world's gonna end. And they have an all-night vigil in the park. It's super annoying. Turns out when you think the world's ending, you don't aim so carefully in the port-a-potties.

Leslie Knope: Look, there's nothing to worry about. They've said that the world is going to end 15 times. And the only bad thing that's ever happened on any of those dates is Lance Armstrong dumping Sheryl Crow.
Chris: That was a tragic day.
Leslie Knope: Hmm.
Chris: Live strong.

Chris: In any rate, I think Ben and I should accompany you tonight.
Ben: Oh, I don't think we have to do that.
Chris: No, no, no, I insist. These people live on Planet Nutbrain. I live on Planet Nut Bran. Bran and nuts are very helpful for your colon!

Leslie Knope: [aside to camera] Ben and I don't hang out much these days. Big deal, lots of people don't hang out. Jerry and April. Obama and Madonna, probably. We're in good company.