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‘End of the World’ Quotes

Parks and Recreation: End of the World

406. End of the World

Aired November 3, 2011

A doomsday cult in Pawnee predicts the end of the world. Leslie is upset when Shauna Malwae-Tweep shows interest in Ben. Andy and April decide to knock some things off his bucket list. Meanwhile, Tom and Jean-Ralphio have one last party at their bankrupt entertainment company.

Quote from Tom

Jean-Ralphio: [annoying call] T-Cups, we did it, baby. We built a company from the ground up.
Tom: And then we ran it into the ground.
Jean-Ralphio: Well, the important thing to remember is that it was a massive success. Remy Martin?
[aside to camera:]
Tom: Well, Entertainment 7Twenty is dead. It's up in company heaven. Along with Pets.com, Blockbuster and Ask Jeeves. My company is no better than a company where you ask a fake butler to Google things for you.

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Quote from Ron Swanson

Ron Swanson: [aside to camera] What religion am I? Well, I'm a practicing none of your [bleep] business.

Quote from Andy

[at the Grand Canyon:]
Andy: It's so much more beautiful than I could have ever even imagined.
April: Yeah. I'm trying to find a way to be annoyed by it, but... Coming up empty.
Andy: Thank you so much. I never would have ever done this without you. Thank you. Where's all the faces? Like the presidents.

Quote from Ron Swanson

Ron Swanson: Evening, gentlemen.
All: Hey, Ron!
Ron Swanson: Hail Zorp.
Herb Scaifer: How are you?
Ron Swanson: I'm great. It is a beautiful night for the end of the world. Congratulations to all of you for reaching the finish line.
[aside to camera:]
Ron Swanson: The Zorpies are ridiculous. But, like the founding fathers, I believe in absolute freedom of religion. Also their ceremonies require the playing of flutes. I happen to make flutes in my wood shop.

Quote from Andy

April: Let's do something weird. Come on, it could be the last night on earth.
Andy: We could do something off my bucket list.
April: You have a bucket list?
[aside to camera:]
Andy: Catch the winning touchdown at the super bowl. Make the most amazing grilled-cheese sandwich ever. Win the lottery. Ride a unicycle. Invent something. Fly first class on a plane, and when people are walking by be like this, [smug laugh]. Go skydiving. Outrun a hippo. I'd like to remake the movie Kazaam with Shaquille O'Neal where he plays a genie and I'd like to get it right. Teach my son to make a perfect spiral. Have a son.

Quote from Leslie Knope

Leslie Knope: Okay, Herb, what can I do you for?
Herb Scaifer: Well, please prepare yourself. I have terrible news.
Leslie Knope: You do?
Herb Scaifer: The world is going to end tomorrow at dawn.
Leslie Knope: Aw nuts. You sure it's tomorrow?
Herb Scaifer: Afraid so. Right at dawn. The entire planet... [explosion sound]. Gone.
Leslie Knope: Not giving me much notice, Herb. Let me see what I can do.
[aside to camera:]
Leslie Knope: For a while in the 1970s, our town was run by a freaky cult. And every few years the remaining members predicted the world's gonna end. And they have an all-night vigil in the park. It's super annoying. Turns out when you think the world's ending, you don't aim so carefully in the port-a-potties.

Quote from Chris

Leslie Knope: Look, there's nothing to worry about. They've said that the world is going to end 15 times. And the only bad thing that's ever happened on any of those dates is Lance Armstrong dumping Sheryl Crow.
Chris: That was a tragic day.
Leslie Knope: Hmm.
Chris: Live strong.

Quote from Chris

Chris: In any rate, I think Ben and I should accompany you tonight.
Ben: Oh, I don't think we have to do that.
Chris: No, no, no, I insist. These people live on Planet Nutbrain. I live on Planet Nut Bran. Bran and nuts are very helpful for your colon!

Quote from Leslie Knope

Leslie Knope: [aside to camera] Ben and I don't hang out much these days. Big deal, lots of people don't hang out. Jerry and April. Obama and Madonna, probably. We're in good company.

Quote from Andy

Teller: 800, 900, 1,000.
Andy: [excited laugh]
April: And how much is left in the bank account?
Teller: 18 dollars and four cents.
Andy: Whoa! Still a lot left over.
April: Okay, you wanted to hold $1,000 cash in your hands...
Andy: That's super disappointing.
[cut to:]
Teller: 998, 999, 1000.
Andy: Yes! Now this is what I imagined! [ecstatic laugh] Have you ever seen this much cash in your entire life?
Teller: I just handed it to you.
Andy: [laughs] Nickels! I want nickels. A billion nickels!

Quote from Leslie Knope

Leslie Knope: Headline idea. "It's the end of the world as they know it, but Pawnee feels fine."
Shauna Malwae-Tweep: It's a little long.
Leslie Knope: Okay, "Zorp Shmorp! "Doomsday prediction falls flat as citizens spend pleasant evening enjoying one of Pawnee's finest parks."
Shauna Malwae-Tweep: Somehow longer.
Leslie Knope: Right, okay let's go with the first one.

Quote from Leslie Knope

Leslie Knope: Oh boy, I know how this goes. I know how Shauna operates. She smiles, and then they fall in love, and then they get married, and then she changes her name to Shauna Malwae-Wyatt. Or he's going to be really progressive and change his name to Ben Wyatt-Malwae-Tweep. God, I am so annoyed that he would hypothetically do that.

Quote from Leslie Knope

Leslie Knope: Hey, there you are. Wow, you two are still talking? Ben hasn't bored you to death by now.
Ben: Hey.
Leslie Knope: So boring.
Shauna Malwae-Tweep: Actually, we were having a really great talk.
Leslie Knope: Keep your pants on.
Shauna Malwae-Tweep: What?
Leslie Knope: I mean, keep your pants on, girl! I mean, those are really nice pants. I really like your pants. Where'd you get them? Do you want to go buy some more pants? Or, um, walk away from here?

Quote from Ron Swanson

Chris: So you were living here when "Reasoneableism" first swep in?
Ron Swanson: I was. Lou Prozotovich, their founder, was an office supplies salesman. One day, he had an interesting idea. Maybe he can write a book to help people organize their offices.
Herb Scaifer: "Organize it!"
Ron Swanson: The book was a big success. Then Lou had another interesting thought. Maybe there is a 28-foot tall lizard with a volcano for a mouth who controls the universe.
Chris: That is interesting.
Ron Swanson: So he wrote a second book.
Herb Scaifer: "Organize it 2: Engage with Zorp"
Chris: You know... could I have a look at that?
Herb Scaifer: Well sure you can, Chris. You can keep it. I'd skip the first couple of chapters if I were you, between you and me, it doesn't really get good till Zorp shows up. Zorp is the lizard.

Quote from Andy

April: Help me, Agent Macklin, help me! He's stolen my jewels, and now he's going to ravish my body and he stinks, he really stinks!
Jerry: Okay, Janet Snakehole belongs to mother Russia now.
Andy: Oh, that's what you think! I hope you like pain! Pow!
April: Say the line.
Andy: Looks like this Siberian husky is going to be Russian... off to jail.

Quote from Ron Swanson

Ron Swanson: That was Symphony for the Righteous Destruction of Humanity in E minor. By the late Lou Prozotovich. Reminder. These flutes are available for purchase. You can't take it with you, people.

Quote from Chris

Chris: Herb, I just speed-read both of your books. And, full disclosure, I think they're bonkers-filled. But I did notice that you're interested in reincarnation. Tell me about that.
Herb Scaifer: Well, it makes sense, doesn't it? From the universe, we emerge. Into the universe, we return. And there are infinite forms we can take in infinite universes.
Chris: What a lovely thought.
Herb Scaifer: Well, this morning at dawn, you will take a new form. That of a fleshless, chattering skeleton when Zorp the surveyor arrives and burns your flesh off with his volcano mouth.
Chris: That was very strange what you just said. I don't like it as much as that other thing you said.

Quote from Ron Swanson

Herb Scaifer: Dawn is nigh! Zorp the surveyor approaches, and all earthly debts will be repaid to the original source of life in the universe. Last call for doughnuts.
Leslie Knope: What would you do if the word was really gonna end?
Ron Swanson: I'd go home, drink some whisky. Then I'd go see my ex-wives.
Leslie Knope: Really?
Ron Swanson: Yeah. I wanna watch them meet their fiery end with my own eyes.

Quote from Leslie Knope

Leslie Knope: Can I speak with you about a personal matter?
Ron Swanson: Normally, no. But... given there's only 20 minutes until the end of human existence... Also, no.
Leslie Knope: I lost my mind tonight. I tried to screw up even the potential of Ben dating someone else.
Ron Swanson: Did you not hear me when I said no?
Leslie Knope: Oh, we broke up because of me. But I have to tell you, Ron... If the world was ending tomorrow, I'd want to be with him.
Ron Swanson: Well, that's significant. Problem is, Leslie, the world's not ending tomorrow. The sun's going to rise right over there. It'll be a regular Friday, and you'll be in the exact same position you were in before.
Leslie Knope: I know. I made my decision, I need to stick to it. It's just the thought of him with someone else is making me miserable.
Herb Scaifer: If it makes you feel any better, Leslie, we'll all be dead in 20 minutes.
Leslie Knope: That does make me feel better. Thank you, Herb.
Ron Swanson: That guy has ears like a fruit bat.

Quote from Leslie Knope

Herb Scaifer: Frankly, Leslie, I'm shocked. All the scholarly work that I did on these texts indicated that the world would end.
Leslie Knope: Oh, gosh, I'm as disappointed as you are, Herb.
Herb Scaifer: Yeah, but when the world did not end, I went home and began to reevaluate the texts.
Leslie Knope: You don't say.
Herb Scaifer: And I realized that I'd made some crucial errors.
Leslie Knope: Well, math is hard.
Herb Scaifer: Yes, well, the actual end of the world is six months from now.
Leslie Knope: Great!
Herb Scaifer: Yeah. May 19th.
Leslie Knope: Okay, let's see what we've got. Um, oh, on the 19th we can't give you the park. We have a spring spectacular free ice cream giveaway.
Herb Scaifer: Oh... Oh... look here. Heh! I misspoke. Yeah, it's May 20?
Leslie Knope: That is free.
Herb Scaifer: Ah!
Leslie Knope: Okay. End of World, May 20th.
Herb Scaifer: That's great. Uhm... Oh, and could you put aside 10 tickets for that ice cream thing?
Leslie Knope: Already did.


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