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‘Leslie vs. April’ Quotes

Parks and Recreation: Leslie vs. April

507. Leslie vs. April

Aired November 15, 2012

Leslie is upset when April decides to get a dog park built on Lot 48. Meanwhile, Ben receives a series of job offers now he's back in Pawnee, and Andy investigates when a computer is stolen from the office.

Quote from Ron Swanson

Leslie Knope: Here's my question. How did you used to slow me down when I was becoming too me-ish?
Ron Swanson: Sometimes I'd just give you busy work. I once had you put together a brochure about different kinds of Indiana topsoil.
Leslie Knope: That soil brochure was not busy work. I mean, people still refer to Mulch Ado About Nothing.
Ron Swanson: And if you were particularly amped up about a project, I'd take you to JJ's and distract you with waffles.
Leslie Knope: Those were distraction waffles? I thought they were friendship waffles.
Ron Swanson: Breakfast food can serve many purposes.
Leslie Knope: But what if this person, this Ricky, who is real, doesn't like waffles or anything.
Ron Swanson: Everybody has something they're passionate about. Just figure out what it is, express an interest in it, and divert his attention.

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Quote from April

April: Well, I'm sorry, but lot 48 is the only one that works. And I'm definitely bringing it up at the next city council meeting.
Leslie Knope: April, please, I beg of you, I will do anything to keep you from doing that.
April: Okay. Saw off your pinky toe.
Leslie Knope: No.
April: Shave your head.
Leslie Knope: No.
April: Have sex with Jerry.
Leslie Knope: No.
April: Well, I tried to be reasonable.

Quote from Leslie Knope

Ben: Mr. Vice President. Ben Wyatt from congressman Murray's office.
Joe Biden: Hey, Ben. Dave told me you were gonna be coming by. And you must be Leslie Knope. Welcome. Welcome.
Leslie Knope: [laughs] You're... My name just came out of your mouth.
Joe Biden: Well, yeah, it did.
Leslie Knope: This isn't happening. This isn't real.
Joe Biden: No, it's happening, and I'm delighted to have you here. On behalf of the president and myself, I wanted to-
Leslie Knope: Oh, Mr. Vice President, I am deeply flattered, but there's no way that I could take over Madam Secretary Clinton's position. I mean-
Joe Biden: I'm confident you could do that job or any other, but the reason-
Leslie Knope: Okay, I will.
Joe Biden: Well, the reason you're here is I'm told you've done such a great job in your town and in the state of Indiana, and I just want to say congratulations for your public service.
Leslie Knope: [caresses Joe Biden's face] And I just want to say thank you.
Joe Biden: Well, you-- you're very welcome. [Leslie holds Joe Biden's arms] You're very welcome. Hey-- y-you're very welcome.
Leslie Knope: You're very handsome.
Ben: I think we're all done.
Joe Biden: Well, you're very nice.
Leslie Knope: Okay. Thank you.
Joe Biden: Thank-- thank you very much.
Leslie Knope: Thank you very much. We'll see you tomorrow.
Joe Biden: Well-- Oh, well, you will?
Ben: Thank you, Mr. Vice President.
Joe Biden: Y-you're welcome.
Leslie Knope: [to the Secret Service agent] You don't let anything happen to him, you understand me? He is precious cargo.

Quote from Tom

Tom: This is actually a crazy coincidence. I have a new company and could use your help on the math side of things.
Ben: Oh, what's the new company?
Tom: We specialize in making stacks on stacks on stacks on stacks.
Ben: Right. Pass.
Tom: I'm kidding. It's a real idea. So get this. Kids are always growing out of their clothes, so their parents don't want to buy 'em nice things. I'm gonna rent my upscale clothing to middle school kids, because I discovered I'm roughly the same size as the average Pawnee 12-year-old.

Quote from Tom

Tom: Hey, man. Get any more job offers since I last saw you?
Ben: Yeah, but it was just a management position at Urban Outfitters. I turned it down.
Tom: I don't know, man. Maybe I can't hack this. Maybe I should take a cue from you and stick with my boring day job.
Ben: Well, my accounting job isn't boring.
Tom: If it was remotely interesting, there would be a show on A&E about it. They have a show about storage unit auctions.
Ben: Fair point.

Quote from Andy

Andy: Hey, Captain. Status update: My new suspect: the dude who runs Carpet Emporium. The way I figure it is, criminals love to wrap things up in rugs. Plus, he yelled at me when I tried to unroll 'em all, so...

Quote from Leslie Knope

Leslie Knope: 2020
Ben: Uh... that's a stretch.
Leslie Knope: Fine. 2024. I win, we move in there. I'll take the West Wing. You take the East Wing. You can be the First Gentleman.
Ben: Actually, that sounds kind of great. Thanks for coming with me to get my stuff.
Leslie Knope: How could I pass up an opportunity to look at our future house?

Quote from Ben

Ben: Oh, just remembered. I kind of got you an engagement present.
Leslie Knope: Is it a waffle tower?
Ben: I mean, it's a little better than that.
[cut to:]
Joe Biden: Claudia Welders.
Leslie Knope: Uh, that-- how did-- How did you do this?
Ben: Called in a few favors.
Joe Biden: Excuse me.
Ben: A few hundred favors.

Quote from Leslie Knope

Leslie Knope: [aside to camera] April came to me with an idea to build a dog park in Pawnee. I recognized her potential a long time ago, and she's finally living up to it. I mean, I am so proud of her, I could cry. [sobbing] And... here we go.

Quote from April

Leslie Knope: One tiny critique. If you do want to be taken seriously, you might want to think a little bit about how you present yourself.
April: No, this is publicity for Orin's new performance art show. He's an animal living on a human farm. And you can go and feed him from your own hand.
Leslie Knope: Ugh, that's horrifying, and so is Orin. You should not be friends with him.

Quote from Andy

Jerry: Good morning, Andy.
Andy: [clears throat] Okay, something is different about my computer. Aha. It's gone. [gasps] A game is the foot.
[aside to camera:]
Andy: See, part of the police academy entrance exam is investigating a crime. So about a month ago I told everyone in the office that, at some point, they should steal something from my desk so I could practice. Let's do this. Wait, hey, did you guys take my glasses too? They got my sunglasses too.

Quote from April

Leslie Knope: You know, I think any of the four previous locations would work, but there's something about this place. It just has a really good energy here, you know? Lots of natural light.
April: It's tiny and awful and loud. And it's zone 14B, industrial waste clean-up site. We should technically be wearing Hazmat suits right now.

Quote from Leslie Knope

Leslie Knope: Look, I am trying to remove parking meters, and there is a guy in Public Works who's being a real thorn about it.
Ron Swanson: Which guy?
Leslie Knope: Ricky Jordache.
Ron Swanson: Never heard of him. What's his deal?
Leslie Knope: He's new. He used to be a slacker, but now he's realizing his full potential, but at what cost? He's smart, and he's beautiful, and I think of him in many ways as a daughter, but that would be crazy 'cause he's a man and his name's Ricky.

Quote from Tom

Ben: Ms. Wicks, if you've read our proposal, you'll see that an alliance between Rent-A-Swag and Sweetums could be mutually beneficial.
Jessica Wicks: Well, I must say it's a much better idea than the last one you had, that gourmet French food thing.
Tom: Oh, my escargot delivery service, Snail Mail. So you want to partner up and make history? I mean, you've already made history as the world's most beautiful CEO.

Quote from Ben

Jessica Wicks: I'm really sorry, cutie. The company's laying low right now due to a small mishap.
Ben: Ah, yes. The Sweetums molasses storage vat exploded, resulting in a slow-moving ecological disaster.
Tom: Well, all press is good press.
Ben: No, this was bad press. A lot of homes were very gradually flooded.
Jessica Wicks: People died.

Quote from Andy

Andy: Been looking at your file all day, Jerry. If that even is your real name.
Jerry: It's not. My real name is Garry.
Andy: Well, Garry. If that even is your real name. Somebody stole my computer. Now, if you're a criminal, look at me, you have to tell me legally, or else it's considered entrapment.
Jerry: I'm sorry, Andy. It wasn't me.
Andy: Oh, man, really?
Jerry: No.
Andy: Okay.
[aside to camera:]
Andy: Okay, so we know it's not Jerry, unless he was lying to me. I can never tell when people are lying to me. Hopefully that doesn't come up in my police work.

Quote from Tom

Ben: Tom would make a great profile for your show. I mean, this is a guy who's learned through an unbelievable series of bonehead business moves.
Tom: Not to mention in the last month alone three people have confused me for a shorter, Indian Ryan Gosling.

Quote from Tom

Brian Raisins: We're launching a new political chat show, and we need correspondents.
Ben: Oh, well, thank you, but I'm a little shaky on live TV.
Brian Raisins: That's okay. People want authenticity. Think about it?
Tom: Didn't you hear him? He stinks on TV. He sweats. He stutters. It's like The King's Speech, but the first part, before he's fixed.
Brian Raisins: That was my favorite part of the movie.
Tom: What is happening?

Quote from Andy

Chris: Andy, while I appreciate your dedication to finding this criminal, I think you might want to take into account what the policeman said.
Andy: I mean, gosh, if I can't even investigate bad guys, [removes shirt] why become a cop at all?
Chris: What are you doing?
Andy: When I get bummed out, I take my shirt off because the bad feelings make me feel sweaty.

Quote from Ben

Ben: [aside to camera] Leslie's been saying for weeks I should do something I love, and she's right. And I'll help Tom or maybe try to do that TV thing or maybe work for the Sweetums foundation. I don't know. Life is short. Why be an accountant, you know? I mean, other than the stability and the health plan and the above-average pay. Oh, God, this better work out.


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