Leslie Knope: Here's my question. How did you used to slow me down when I was becoming too me-ish?
Ron Swanson: Sometimes I'd just give you busy work. I once had you put together a brochure about different kinds of Indiana topsoil.
Leslie Knope: That soil brochure was not busy work. I mean, people still refer to Mulch Ado About Nothing.
Ron Swanson: And if you were particularly amped up about a project, I'd take you to JJ's and distract you with waffles.
Leslie Knope: Those were distraction waffles? I thought they were friendship waffles.
Ron Swanson: Breakfast food can serve many purposes.
Leslie Knope: But what if this person, this Ricky, who is real, doesn't like waffles or anything.
Ron Swanson: Everybody has something they're passionate about. Just figure out what it is, express an interest in it, and divert his attention.

April: Well, I'm sorry, but lot 48 is the only one that works. And I'm definitely bringing it up at the next city council meeting.
Leslie Knope: April, please, I beg of you, I will do anything to keep you from doing that.
April: Okay. Saw off your pinky toe.
Leslie Knope: No.
April: Shave your head.
Leslie Knope: No.
April: Have sex with Jerry.
Leslie Knope: No.
April: Well, I tried to be reasonable.

Ben: Mr. Vice President. Ben Wyatt from congressman Murray's office.
Joe Biden: Hey, Ben. Dave told me you were gonna be coming by. And you must be Leslie Knope. Welcome. Welcome.
Leslie Knope: [laughs] You're... My name just came out of your mouth.
Joe Biden: Well, yeah, it did.
Leslie Knope: This isn't happening. This isn't real.
Joe Biden: No, it's happening, and I'm delighted to have you here. On behalf of the president and myself, I wanted to-
Leslie Knope: Oh, Mr. Vice President, I am deeply flattered, but there's no way that I could take over Madam Secretary Clinton's position. I mean-
Joe Biden: I'm confident you could do that job or any other, but the reason-
Leslie Knope: Okay, I will.
Joe Biden: Well, the reason you're here is I'm told you've done such a great job in your town and in the state of Indiana, and I just want to say congratulations for your public service.
Leslie Knope: [caresses Joe Biden's face] And I just want to say thank you.
Joe Biden: Well, you-- you're very welcome. [Leslie holds Joe Biden's arms] You're very welcome. Hey-- y-you're very welcome.
Leslie Knope: You're very handsome.
Ben: I think we're all done.
Joe Biden: Well, you're very nice.
Leslie Knope: Okay. Thank you.
Joe Biden: Thank-- thank you very much.
Leslie Knope: Thank you very much. We'll see you tomorrow.
Joe Biden: Well-- Oh, well, you will?
Ben: Thank you, Mr. Vice President.
Joe Biden: Y-you're welcome.
Leslie Knope: [to the Secret Service agent] You don't let anything happen to him, you understand me? He is precious cargo.

Tom: This is actually a crazy coincidence. I have a new company and could use your help on the math side of things.
Ben: Oh, what's the new company?
Tom: We specialize in making stacks on stacks on stacks on stacks.
Ben: Right. Pass.
Tom: I'm kidding. It's a real idea. So get this. Kids are always growing out of their clothes, so their parents don't want to buy 'em nice things. I'm gonna rent my upscale clothing to middle school kids, because I discovered I'm roughly the same size as the average Pawnee 12-year-old.

Tom: Hey, man. Get any more job offers since I last saw you?
Ben: Yeah, but it was just a management position at Urban Outfitters. I turned it down.
Tom: I don't know, man. Maybe I can't hack this. Maybe I should take a cue from you and stick with my boring day job.
Ben: Well, my accounting job isn't boring.
Tom: If it was remotely interesting, there would be a show on A&E about it. They have a show about storage unit auctions.
Ben: Fair point.

Andy: Hey, Captain. Status update: My new suspect: the dude who runs Carpet Emporium. The way I figure it is, criminals love to wrap things up in rugs. Plus, he yelled at me when I tried to unroll 'em all, so...

Leslie Knope: One tiny critique. If you do want to be taken seriously, you might want to think a little bit about how you present yourself.
April: No, this is publicity for Orin's new performance art show. He's an animal living on a human farm. And you can go and feed him from your own hand.
Leslie Knope: Ugh, that's horrifying, and so is Orin. You should not be friends with him.

Leslie Knope: You know, I think any of the four previous locations would work, but there's something about this place. It just has a really good energy here, you know? Lots of natural light.
April: It's tiny and awful and loud. And it's zone 14B, industrial waste clean-up site. We should technically be wearing Hazmat suits right now.

Leslie Knope: 2020
Ben: Uh... that's a stretch.
Leslie Knope: Fine. 2024. I win, we move in there. I'll take the West Wing. You take the East Wing. You can be the First Gentleman.
Ben: Actually, that sounds kind of great. Thanks for coming with me to get my stuff.
Leslie Knope: How could I pass up an opportunity to look at our future house?

Ben: Oh, just remembered. I kind of got you an engagement present.
Leslie Knope: Is it a waffle tower?
Ben: I mean, it's a little better than that.
[cut to:]
Joe Biden: Claudia Welders.
Leslie Knope: Uh, that-- how did-- How did you do this?
Ben: Called in a few favors.
Joe Biden: Excuse me.
Ben: A few hundred favors.