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‘Born & Raised’ Quotes

Parks and Recreation: Born & Raised

403. Born & Raised

Aired October 6, 2011

After Leslie writes a book about Pawnee, Joan Callamezzo claims there's a factual inaccuracy in the book. As everyone fact checks the book, Ann tries to bond with Ron and April.

Quote from Tom

Tom: [sings] I'm tryin' to find the words to describe this girl Without bein' disrespectful
[aside to camera:]
Tom: Getting the book into Joan's book club will really help Leslie. But it'll also help my company, Entertainment 7Twenty. At the risk of bragging, one of the things I'm best at is riding coattails. Behind every successful man, is me, smiling and taking partial credit.

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Quote from Ben

Tom: You gotta help me, man.
Ben: Why? Seems to be going the usual amount of gross.
Tom: No, this is way different. She's not married anymore. She had, like, five bottles of alcohol, she's callin' me "caramel." You've gotta throw some cold water on this situation. Start talkin' about nerd stuff.
Ben: You know, nerd culture is mainstream now. So when you use the word "nerd" derogatorily, means you're the one that's out of the zeitgeist.

Quote from April

[aside to camera:]
Ann: Well, I've made a little progress. I'm up to four seconds with April.
[back:]
Ann: Hey, April. I was looking to get some new music, and I was wondering if you could recommend anything.
April: The Internet.
[later:]
Ann: I really like your haircut. W-w-where'd you get it?
April: Prison.
[later:]
Ann: How's your sister doin'?
April: She has the shingles.
[later:]
Ann: Who's your favorite character on Sex and the City?
April: Alf.

Quote from Leslie Knope

Leslie Knope: Tom, I have Pawnee Today in an hour. Was my book selected for Joan's cook club?
Ben: Joan Callamezzo has a book club?
[aside to camera:]
Leslie Knope: Joan Callamezzo started a book club four years ago. And now she is the literary tastemaker in the town. The Time Traveler's Optometrist, by Pawnee's own Penelope Foster. A heartwarming story about a caveman eye doctor who travels to present-day Cincinnati and can see everything but love. Unreadable. Then Joan slaps her sticker on it, best seller, four years in a row.

Quote from Leslie Knope

Leslie Knope: [aside to camera] Look, I'm not crazy. I know Pawnee isn't Paris, or London, or Chicago. But it's a great place to live. And work. And serving the goofballs in this town is an honor and a privilege. And, yes, every town claims its diner's waffles are the best in the world, but somewhere, in some town, there really are the best waffles in the world. So delicious, and rich, and golden brown that anyone who tasted them would decide never to leave that town. Somewhere, those waffles exist. Why can't it be here? Joan put us in her book club. Although I could do without this. ["Gotcha" stamp on the back of the book]

Quote from Andy

Leslie Knope: Okay, Ben, Tom, you stay here, stay on Joan. Get that sticker. Chris, Andy, we're gonna stay on schedule, and we're gonna do some damage control.
Andy: All right. Everybody move! Move, move, move! This entire event is under federal jurisdiction.
[aside to camera:]
Andy: Unless he's in trouble, there's only one man for the job. Burt Macklin, FBI. You thought I was dead? [chuckles] So did the president's enemies.

Quote from Ann

Ann: Morning. Is Leslie here? Aw, man. I am so tired. I took a half-shift at the hospital last night. And I had this really weird patient.
April: Weird how?
Ann: I probably shouldn't talk about it. It's one of the grossest things I've ever seen.
Ron Swanson: Talk.
Ann: Well, this guy came in. He got his hand stuck in a Pringles can, and he tried to cut himself out.
April: Was there a lot of blood?
Ron Swanson: What kind of blade did he use?
Ann: Uh, three-and-a-half-inch? Serrated? Buckets of blood. He passed out over his arm, and slumped onto the floor.
April: Did the bone show?
Ron Swanson: Very good question, April. Answer her.
Ann: Yeah. The bone showed.
[aside to camera:]
Ann: Everyone in the universe loves a gross medical story. Boom! I win!

Quote from Leslie Knope

Leslie Knope: Oh, my God. I wonder who else was born in Eagleton. Voldemort, probably.

Quote from Chris

Chris: Leslie, I loved your book. I read it cover to cover.
Leslie Knope: Wow. I just gave it to you an hour ago.
Chris: I'm a speed reader. I can read over 3,000 words a minute with total comprehension. One time, I read all of Siddhartha at a traffic stop.

Quote from Leslie Knope

Leslie Knope: Whatever, I can end this now. Here's my birth certificate.
William Barnes: Mm-hmm. Well, this just says "Wamapoke County."
Leslie Knope: Yeah. That's the county Pawnee is in.
William Barnes: Well, no. This won't do it. See, you staked your reputation on this. So you need to go down to the county records office in Eagleton and get the original, long-form certificate.
Leslie Knope: Oh, God. Don't make me go to Eagleton.
[aside to camera:]
Leslie Knope: Eagleton is the land of rich, snobby jerks. There's a whole chapter about it in my book. I could write a second book about Eagleton and how stupid it is. And I'd call Eagleton: The land of Rich, Snobby Jerks.

Quote from Leslie Knope

Man: Support for Pawnee Community Radio comes from the Wendell G. and Muriel Fathwright Korbleman Foundation, and Sweetums Cares, a nonprofit group that puts umbrella hats on homeless people when it rains.
Derry Murbles: Welcome to Thoughts for your thoughts. I'm Derry Murbles filling in for David Parker, who took off for eight months to study the migration patterns of our nation's squirrels. We have not seen him since. My guest today is author Leslie Knope. The book, Pawnee: The greatest town in America.
[aside to camera:]
Leslie Knope: I wrote a book. The first historical guide to Pawnee. I wrote it as a reference for myself, but then, my campaign advisor said we should make it a big, wide release. So we had people contribute, we added pictures, and we removed a lot of my poems and emotional ramblings and pictures of unicorns, and here it is!
Derry Murbles: Leslie, could one say that a book is nothing more than a painting of words, which are the notes on the tapestry of the greatest film ever sculpted?
Leslie Knope: One could say that. But should one?
Derry Murbles: Join us next week when David Bianculli will be filling in for Richard Chang-Jefferson, who will be filling in for me. Leslie, would you like to take us out?
Leslie Knope: Okay. "Please enjoy a song from the lesbian Afro-Norwegian Funk duo, Nefertiti's Fjord."
[eccentric pop music plays]
Leslie Knope: Oh, wow. They are terrible.
Derry Murbles: Oh, yes. Th-they're quite awful. But they are lesbians, so...

Quote from Leslie Knope

Ron Swanson: Usually, I only read nautical novels and my own personal manifestos, but I'm proud to make this exception.
Leslie Knope: Thank you, Ron. I expect all of you to buy additional copies. But I wanted the first one that you owned to be delivered and signed by me.
April: God, this goes on for, like, seven pages!
Leslie Knope: I started thinking about you as a woman, and as a person, and I got carried away.
Jerry: Okay, mine just says, "Get well soon."
Leslie Knope: Aren't you sick?
Jerry: No.
Leslie Knope: Something's off.

Quote from Ann

Ron Swanson: Anyone find any mistakes?
April: Yeah, actually. In here, it says that Pawnee is great. But in reality, it's terrible.
Ron Swanson: Let Tom know we haven't found anything.
Ann: Hey, I'm thinking about getting a new phone. Do you guys like your phones?
April: [on her phone] I've never used a phone in my life.
Ann: What about you, Ron? Do you like your phone? [Ron is silent]
[aside to camera:]
Ann: Here's my goal. I'm gonna get these two people that I've known for a long time to talk to me for five minutes. Who am I kidding? One minute. One minute would be amazing.

Quote from Ann

Ann: All right, so we don't have to fact-check anymore. But Leslie wants us to be on ready-alert one just in case something comes up.
Ron Swanson: Now I can get some real work done. [whittles]
Ann: You know, I think I'm just gonna hang out here with you guys, if that's cool.
April: It's not.
Ann: Great.
[aside to camera:]
Ann: I could leave. I could. But I'm not going to. I will get my one minute of small talk, damn it. And it will be casual, and it will be amicable!

Quote from Leslie Knope

Leslie Knope: No matter what you heard, ma'am, the truth is, I was born here.
Woman: If you were so born here, then where's your birth certificate?
Leslie Knope: Well, I don't carry my birth certificate around with me--
Man: Why? Because you're hiding something? You should go back where you came from.
Leslie Knope: I am back from where I came from!
Man: That sentence was confusing! You might as well be from China! Tell us!
Leslie Knope: That's ridiculous!
Man: Is it?
Leslie Knope: I'm from here!

Quote from Ron Swanson

[aside to camera:]
Ann: And... Nine seconds with Ron.
[back:]
Ann: You're stranded on a desert island. What is the one thing that you bring with you?
Ron Swanson: Silence. [flute sounds]

Quote from Leslie Knope

Leslie Knope: Is it true mom? Was I born in Eagleton?
Marlene Knope: Yes, it's true.
Leslie Knope: No!
Marlene Knope: Pawnee hospital was overrun with raccoons at the time. So we had to go to the next closest hospital.
Leslie Knope: [groans]
Marlene Knope: I'm sorry. Did you expect me to give birth to you in an infested, disease-filled room?
Leslie Knope: Mom, why didn't you tell me?
Marlene Knope: You try telling that little girl she's not from Pawnee. I certainly couldn't. So you were technically born in Eagleton. Who cares?
Leslie Knope: I care. The people of Pawnee care. I wrote on the cover of my book that I was born in Pawnee. I went on Pawnee today, and I called Joan a liar! I'm the liar. I'm worse than a liar. I'm an... [choking] Eagletonian.

Quote from Ron Swanson

Ann: And so when I finally cleaned up the vomit, I found the toe.
April: I forgot about the toe!
Ann: So did we! Crazy, right?
April: [chuckles] That story's awesome!
Ron Swanson: Indeed. Thank you for sharing, Jenny.
[aside to camera:]
Ron Swanson: Ann was getting a little chummy. When people get too chummy with me, I like to call them by the wrong name to let them know I don't really care about them.
April: That's a genius move.
Ron Swanson: Thank you.
April: You're welcome, Lester.

Quote from Leslie Knope

Leslie Knope: I'd like to apologize to those that I've misled. I thought I was telling the truth, but, sadly, I was born in Eagleton.
Joan Callamezzo: Wha--? [laughs] Well, that is worse than I ever could have hoped for.
Leslie Knope: I learned something, Joan. It's not where you're born. It's where you're from. When I was nine years old, I broke my arm, sledding on that giant hill behind Kernston's rubber nipple factory. You know, "Nipple Hill".
Joan Callamezzo: Of course.
Leslie Knope: It gets very slippery there.
Joan Callamezzo: I know that.
Leslie Knope: Especially when it's wet.
Joan Callamezzo: Yes.
Leslie Knope: And, Jim. Jim Kabernick. I know Jim. Jim and I have gone to school together since we were, like, three years old.
Jim: Yes, that's true.
Leslie Knope: Do you remember when you peed your pants in second grade?
Jim: Why--why did you bring that up? I said yes.
Leslie Knope: You stuck your underwear in your drawer, and you got really embarrassed, and then the teacher came over and pulled them out. And everybody called you "The Gerbil" because you always smelled like soiled wood chips?
Jim: Leslie, for God's sake, we're on TV.
Leslie Knope: The point is you can't choose where you were born. But you can choose where you live. I love this town. I always have. I always will. And that's why I wrote a book about it. And that's why I'm running for City Council. [applause]

Quote from Joan Callamezzo

Joan Callamezzo: After the break: Where was Leslie Knope actually born?
Leslie Knope: Pawnee!
Joan Callamezzo: We will pull out the world map and speculate wildly.
Dancers: [sing] Joan gotcha
Leslie Knope: Oh, God. Not the gotcha dancers.
Dancers: Betcha thought you'd Get away witcha Butcha got caught, didn't ya? Joan gotcha


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