Tom: [sings] I'm tryin' to find the words to describe this girl Without bein' disrespectful
[aside to camera:]
Tom: Getting the book into Joan's book club will really help Leslie. But it'll also help my company, Entertainment 7Twenty. At the risk of bragging, one of the things I'm best at is riding coattails. Behind every successful man, is me, smiling and taking partial credit.

Tom: You gotta help me, man.
Ben: Why? Seems to be going the usual amount of gross.
Tom: No, this is way different. She's not married anymore. She had, like, five bottles of alcohol, she's callin' me "caramel." You've gotta throw some cold water on this situation. Start talkin' about nerd stuff.
Ben: You know, nerd culture is mainstream now. So when you use the word "nerd" derogatorily, means you're the one that's out of the zeitgeist.

[aside to camera:]
Ann: Well, I've made a little progress. I'm up to four seconds with April.
[back:]
Ann: Hey, April. I was looking to get some new music, and I was wondering if you could recommend anything.
April: The Internet.
[later:]
Ann: I really like your haircut. W-w-where'd you get it?
April: Prison.
[later:]
Ann: How's your sister doin'?
April: She has the shingles.
[later:]
Ann: Who's your favorite character on Sex and the City?
April: Alf.

Leslie Knope: Tom, I have Pawnee Today in an hour. Was my book selected for Joan's cook club?
Ben: Joan Callamezzo has a book club?
[aside to camera:]
Leslie Knope: Joan Callamezzo started a book club four years ago. And now she is the literary tastemaker in the town. The Time Traveler's Optometrist, by Pawnee's own Penelope Foster. A heartwarming story about a caveman eye doctor who travels to present-day Cincinnati and can see everything but love. Unreadable. Then Joan slaps her sticker on it, best seller, four years in a row.

Leslie Knope: [aside to camera] Look, I'm not crazy. I know Pawnee isn't Paris, or London, or Chicago. But it's a great place to live. And work. And serving the goofballs in this town is an honor and a privilege. And, yes, every town claims its diner's waffles are the best in the world, but somewhere, in some town, there really are the best waffles in the world. So delicious, and rich, and golden brown that anyone who tasted them would decide never to leave that town. Somewhere, those waffles exist. Why can't it be here? Joan put us in her book club. Although I could do without this. ["Gotcha" stamp on the back of the book]

Leslie Knope: Okay, Ben, Tom, you stay here, stay on Joan. Get that sticker. Chris, Andy, we're gonna stay on schedule, and we're gonna do some damage control.
Andy: All right. Everybody move! Move, move, move! This entire event is under federal jurisdiction.
[aside to camera:]
Andy: Unless he's in trouble, there's only one man for the job. Burt Macklin, FBI. You thought I was dead? [chuckles] So did the president's enemies.

Ann: Morning. Is Leslie here? Aw, man. I am so tired. I took a half-shift at the hospital last night. And I had this really weird patient.
April: Weird how?
Ann: I probably shouldn't talk about it. It's one of the grossest things I've ever seen.
Ron Swanson: Talk.
Ann: Well, this guy came in. He got his hand stuck in a Pringles can, and he tried to cut himself out.
April: Was there a lot of blood?
Ron Swanson: What kind of blade did he use?
Ann: Uh, three-and-a-half-inch? Serrated? Buckets of blood. He passed out over his arm, and slumped onto the floor.
April: Did the bone show?
Ron Swanson: Very good question, April. Answer her.
Ann: Yeah. The bone showed.
[aside to camera:]
Ann: Everyone in the universe loves a gross medical story. Boom! I win!

Leslie Knope: Oh, my God. I wonder who else was born in Eagleton. Voldemort, probably.

Joan Callamezzo: After the break: Where was Leslie Knope actually born?
Leslie Knope: Pawnee!
Joan Callamezzo: We will pull out the world map and speculate wildly.
Dancers: [sing] Joan gotcha
Leslie Knope: Oh, God. Not the gotcha dancers.
Dancers: Betcha thought you'd Get away witcha Butcha got caught, didn't ya? Joan gotcha

Chris: Leslie, I loved your book. I read it cover to cover.
Leslie Knope: Wow. I just gave it to you an hour ago.
Chris: I'm a speed reader. I can read over 3,000 words a minute with total comprehension. One time, I read all of Siddhartha at a traffic stop.