Ron Swanson: [aside to camera] All told, we were in there about six hours. And no, I was not meditating. I just stood there, quietly breathing. There were no thoughts in my head whatsoever. My mind was blank. I don't know what the hell these other crackpots are doing.

Donna: [aside to camera] Each animal has a photo, special talents, and a personal history... That I made up. A lot of these dogs have rescued people from burning buildings. This one helped Ray Charles around.
Andy: What? This cat was in Boogie Nights?

Chris: Ron Swanson, it is my pleasure to inform you that you are a finalist for the job of Assistant City Manager.
Ron Swanson: Chris, I feel I should remind you that I do not believe that the position or the entire government should exist. That said, you'd be a fool not to pick me.
[aside to camera:]
Ron Swanson: I will walk deeper into the belly of the beast if it means I'm able to further limit reckless government spending. I mean, I have so many ideas. Some are simple like "Take down traffic lights" and "Eliminate the Post Office." The bigger ones will be tougher, like "Bring all of this crumbling to the ground."

Ann: I... love you so much. Look at all these blankets. One on the ottoman, one on the chair, one on the couch... here, feel.
Leslie Knope: Holy hell, that's soft. Oh, my God, is that...
Ann: Yep! A whole shelf of coconut water.
Leslie Knope: I think I'm gonna cry. This is like girl heaven. Did he do all this just for you?
Ann: No! He just lives like this. He's deeply in debt, but you know what? Who cares! 'Cause check it out. Cheese plate and Adriatic figs. Leslie, this is always here. I don't know when he has time to make it. Boutique eye cream, unisex cologne, lip exfoliator, chocolate-covered almonds, and a Sudoku book... just amenities everywhere!
Leslie Knope: I love amenities.
Ann: I know!
Ann: Check this out. It's the best part. 80 degrees. Night and day.

Chris: Well, I should get back to my office. As long as I have one.
Ron Swanson: Chris, I'm not one for positive thinking or visualization or meditation or really anything in the world that you believe in. But you might consider the upside of losing your job.
Chris: For example?
Ron Swanson: You would no longer be a government parasite, sucking the lifeblood from honest, hardworking people. Instead, you'd contribute to society like a man. That's just one way it might be good. I'm sure there are others.

April: I hate doing Leslie's job. I'm filling in for a person who smiles 90% of the time. Tom, can you please help me? Please? Or just do it?
Tom: Come on, 'lil Sparkle. Don't give up. What does Leslie always say?
April: I don't know, weird stuff about waffles.

Tom: She says, "you get out of a job what you put into it." You just need to find a project you're passionate about. For instance, I was incredible at naming drinks at the Snakehole Lounge because I care a great deal about signature beverages. The Beer-yonce Knowles. It's just a regular beer, but we put it in a sexy-ass mug. Pairs nicely with the Jay-zima. We bought a bunch of zima when the factory shut down.

Chris: Ron, you've radiated mindfulness. What were you thinking about?
Ron Swanson: I wasn't thinking at all.
Chris: Incredible. It takes a ton of work for me to get to that kind of a clear head space, no matter how hard I try.
Ron Swanson: Don't try so hard.
Chris: Don't try... so hard. Ron, I'm going to try your "not trying" method right here, right now.
Ron Swanson: Chris, wait. I know this crap is important to you, so I should come clean. I got nothing out of that experience at all. So if you're looking for someone who enjoys meditation...
Chris: Oh, I didn't expect you to enjoy it. My one reservation about you as a co-worker was that you seem inflexible. And merely by agreeing to an activity you're not interested in, you showed flexibility. Ron, you've got the job. You wanna head back?
Ron Swanson: I do. But first, there's a hot, spinning cone of meat in that Greek restaurant next door. I don't know what it is, but I'd like to eat the whole thing.

Ron Swanson: Chris! Great news! I found a way to reduce government spending by 85%. Here's a hint... no more departments.
Chris: Ha, that crazy and impractical plan may have to wait. Turns out that Bobby Newport, if he beats Leslie, is going to appoint his own city manager. So I may have offered you a job that I have no authority to offer. I'm so so sorry.
Ron Swanson: Well, that is disappointing. But don't worry about me. I'll be fine.
Chris: Oh, I know. I mean, in the grand scheme of things, who cares? We're all just molecules, floating around in random patterns... Devoid of meaning. Well, I'll see you when I see you. I'm a rolling stone. Peace.
Ron Swanson: Stop. Have a seat. We did things your way, now we're gonna do it my way. [gets a bottle of Scotch and two glasses] Prepare to experience true freedom and bliss.

Chris: How's my best buddy? Just bought this. Cranium. It's a board game. Have you heard of it? It is literally the most fun I have ever had. What do you say, after work, you, me, whiskey, wheatgrass, Cranium? Ron?
April: Chris? Sorry, he's meditating. He asked me to tell anyone who comes in that he wishes to remain undisturbed so as to better clarify his head space.
Chris: Oh, God, Ron. I am so sorry. I'll let you get at it.
[After Chris leaves, Ron winks at April]