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‘Live Ammo’ Quotes

Parks and Recreation: Live Ammo

419. Live Ammo

Aired April 19, 2012

After Leslie pleads with a politician, Councilman Pillner (guest star Bradley Whitford), not to cut the Parks budget, the knock-on effects lead to bad publicity for her campaign. Meanwhile, Chris takes Ron to a yoga class, and April tries to rehouse pets from a shuttered animal shelter.

Quote from Ron Swanson

Ron Swanson: [aside to camera] All told, we were in there about six hours. And no, I was not meditating. I just stood there, quietly breathing. There were no thoughts in my head whatsoever. My mind was blank. I don't know what the hell these other crackpots are doing.

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Quote from Donna

Donna: [aside to camera] Each animal has a photo, special talents, and a personal history... That I made up. A lot of these dogs have rescued people from burning buildings. This one helped Ray Charles around.
Andy: What? This cat was in Boogie Nights?

Quote from Ann

Ann: I... love you so much. Look at all these blankets. One on the ottoman, one on the chair, one on the couch... here, feel.
Leslie Knope: Holy hell, that's soft. Oh, my God, is that...
Ann: Yep! A whole shelf of coconut water.
Leslie Knope: I think I'm gonna cry. This is like girl heaven. Did he do all this just for you?
Ann: No! He just lives like this. He's deeply in debt, but you know what? Who cares! 'Cause check it out. Cheese plate and Adriatic figs. Leslie, this is always here. I don't know when he has time to make it. Boutique eye cream, unisex cologne, lip exfoliator, chocolate-covered almonds, and a Sudoku book... just amenities everywhere!
Leslie Knope: I love amenities.
Ann: I know!
Ann: Check this out. It's the best part. 80 degrees. Night and day.

Quote from Ron Swanson

Chris: Ron Swanson, it is my pleasure to inform you that you are a finalist for the job of Assistant City Manager.
Ron Swanson: Chris, I feel I should remind you that I do not believe that the position or the entire government should exist. That said, you'd be a fool not to pick me.
[aside to camera:]
Ron Swanson: I will walk deeper into the belly of the beast if it means I'm able to further limit reckless government spending. I mean, I have so many ideas. Some are simple like "Take down traffic lights" and "Eliminate the Post Office." The bigger ones will be tougher, like "Bring all of this crumbling to the ground."

Quote from April

April: I hate doing Leslie's job. I'm filling in for a person who smiles 90% of the time. Tom, can you please help me? Please? Or just do it?
Tom: Come on, 'lil Sparkle. Don't give up. What does Leslie always say?
April: I don't know, weird stuff about waffles.

Quote from Tom

Tom: She says, "you get out of a job what you put into it." You just need to find a project you're passionate about. For instance, I was incredible at naming drinks at the Snakehole Lounge because I care a great deal about signature beverages. The Beer-yonce Knowles. It's just a regular beer, but we put it in a sexy-ass mug. Pairs nicely with the Jay-zima. We bought a bunch of zima when the factory shut down.

Quote from Ron Swanson

Chris: Well, I should get back to my office. As long as I have one.
Ron Swanson: Chris, I'm not one for positive thinking or visualization or meditation or really anything in the world that you believe in. But you might consider the upside of losing your job.
Chris: For example?
Ron Swanson: You would no longer be a government parasite, sucking the lifeblood from honest, hardworking people. Instead, you'd contribute to society like a man. That's just one way it might be good. I'm sure there are others.

Quote from Ann

Leslie Knope: Is the coast clear?
Ann: What are you wearing?
Leslie Knope: My sneak-around clothes. Is he gone?
Ann: Yeah, he's gone. Come in. You gotta see this.
[aside to camera:]
Ann: Tom and I have been seeing each other for a few weeks, and... I think I'm ready to say, "I love you"... To his apartment.

Quote from Leslie Knope

Leslie Knope: Councilman Pillner, could I have a moment?
Councilman Pillner: Make it quick.
Leslie Knope: In his seminal 2009 documentary, filmmaker Ken Burns describes the national park system as a America's best idea.
Councilman Pillner: Way quicker.
Leslie Knope: Okay. Well, but you should watch that documentary. And I've heard that you're planning on reducing the parks funding by 8%. Councilman Pillner, that cannot happen.
[aside to camera:]
Leslie Knope: I've gotten to know the city councilmen pretty well because of my campaign. If you hear any of them talking about that "blonde pain in the ass," that's a-me.

Quote from Leslie Knope

Councilman Pillner: Leslie, that budget is all but finalized. I love building ships in bottles. When the ship is done, I put a cork in it, put it on the shelf, and I move on.
Leslie Knope: Hold that cork, sir... 'Cause I'm about to put an adorable face on your proposed cuts. Meet Melody Sternway. She's enrolled in five of our parks programs. Our department is the only thing between her and a life of tube tops and tribal tattoos and barfing in hot tubs. Please.
Councilman Pillner: Okay, you got me. I'll find the cuts somewhere else.

Quote from April

April: Good morning, everyone! I'm April Ludgate and I will be filling in for Leslie while she runs for office. So the new emergency protocol for the Parks department can be found in your binders.
Scott: What exactly is the chain of command vis-a-vis on-site response?
April: You know what, why don't we just say that whoever gets to the emergency first will be in charge?
Zelda: Okay, so if there's an explosion, say, in Ramset Park and someone from Sewage gets there first, they'd be in charge?
[aside to camera:]
April: I had no idea how terrible Leslie's job is. She referred to this meeting as a nonstop thrill ride.

Quote from April

April: I'm not quite sure, but Tom can answer that if... What are you doing?
Tom: Just bouncing some business ideas off Russell Simmons on Twitter. Why?
Scott: All due respect, miss Ludgate, do you even know what you're doing here?
April: All due respect, Mr. Hamster Penis, but no, I don't.
Scott: My last name is Guiles.
April: Are you sure? Because you look like a hamster penis.
Tom: What about a cologne that can kill spiders?

Quote from Perd Hapley

Jennifer Barkley: Apparently, Leslie Knope wielded her insider influence and got Councilman Pillner to save her precious department, even though it meant closing the shelter. Now I am not saying that Leslie Knope is a dog murderer, per se, I just think that her actions raise some questions. Like, for example, is she a dog murderer?
Perd Hapley: Well, I don't know the answer to that, Jennifer, but your tone makes me think... Yes.
Jennifer Barkley: Say your good-byes, Pebble... 'Cause "Weswie" Knope gonna kill you.
Ben: Uh, she got the perfect puppy for that shot. She is good.

Quote from Chris

Chris: This is the best meditation center in the area.
Ron Swanson: It doesn't look like much.
Chris: Actually, this strip mall has surprisingly decent chi. Although, the smells from the Greek restaurant next door are not ideal. But through this door lies a deep, serene quietude.
Man: [yelling in Greek] Excuse me, ladies. On your right.

Quote from April

April: Hey, what if I threw together a pet adoption in one of our parks... would that be cool?
Leslie Knope: April, that would be the coolest thing since 'N Sync, Aerosmith, and Nelly performed together at the Super Bowl halftime show.
April: Ew.
[aside to camera:]
April: I think I may have found a project I'd actually enjoy doing... helping these cats and dogs. They should be rewarded for not being people. I hate people.

Quote from Andy

April: Hi. You like this little guy?
Girl: He's so cute.
April: I know. All the animal are up-to-date on their shots. And I think he likes you.
Andy: He's pretty awesome. Did you know his great-grandfather was Spuds Mackenzie?

Quote from Leslie Knope

Ben: Realistically, I'm guessing we dropped three to five points in the polls. This late in the game, it's killer. And that's a dog biscuit.
Leslie Knope: Andy put them on the table 'cause he wanted to try to have the dogs play poker.

Quote from Ron Swanson

Chris: Ron, you've radiated mindfulness. What were you thinking about?
Ron Swanson: I wasn't thinking at all.
Chris: Incredible. It takes a ton of work for me to get to that kind of a clear head space, no matter how hard I try.
Ron Swanson: Don't try so hard.
Chris: Don't try... so hard. Ron, I'm going to try your "not trying" method right here, right now.
Ron Swanson: Chris, wait. I know this crap is important to you, so I should come clean. I got nothing out of that experience at all. So if you're looking for someone who enjoys meditation...
Chris: Oh, I didn't expect you to enjoy it. My one reservation about you as a co-worker was that you seem inflexible. And merely by agreeing to an activity you're not interested in, you showed flexibility. Ron, you've got the job. You wanna head back?
Ron Swanson: I do. But first, there's a hot, spinning cone of meat in that Greek restaurant next door. I don't know what it is, but I'd like to eat the whole thing.

Quote from April

Andy: We ended up with more animals than we started with.
April: This is what happens when you try. All of these animals are gonna die. God! I hope you're happy, stupid people in this stupid town! Hey! Hey, you! Get back here and get your [bleep] cats out of there!

Quote from Ron Swanson

Ron Swanson: Chris! Great news! I found a way to reduce government spending by 85%. Here's a hint... no more departments.
Chris: Ha, that crazy and impractical plan may have to wait. Turns out that Bobby Newport, if he beats Leslie, is going to appoint his own city manager. So I may have offered you a job that I have no authority to offer. I'm so so sorry.
Ron Swanson: Well, that is disappointing. But don't worry about me. I'll be fine.
Chris: Oh, I know. I mean, in the grand scheme of things, who cares? We're all just molecules, floating around in random patterns... Devoid of meaning. Well, I'll see you when I see you. I'm a rolling stone. Peace.
Ron Swanson: Stop. Have a seat. We did things your way, now we're gonna do it my way. [gets a bottle of Scotch and two glasses] Prepare to experience true freedom and bliss.

Quote from April

Tom: [knocking] Hey, it's me. Tommy! [knocking] Hi!
April: I'm not here.
Tom: April.
April: Swear on my great-great-grandmother's grave I'm not here.

Quote from Leslie Knope

Jennifer Barkley: Uh-oh. You look serious. What's on the agenda?
Leslie Knope: Just one item, Jennifer. You're going to announce that Bobby Newport will use his personal fortune to save the animal shelter.
Jennifer Barkley: No. No, that's... that's, um... that is a great idea. In fact, I don't know why I hadn't thought of it already. Damn it. Damn it! [bangs table] I swear the air in this town is killing my brain cells.
Leslie Knope: Actually, the water's not good for you either. You shouldn't drink the tap water. Has anyone told you that yet?

Quote from Ron Swanson

Chris: How's my best buddy? Just bought this. Cranium. It's a board game. Have you heard of it? It is literally the most fun I have ever had. What do you say, after work, you, me, whiskey, wheatgrass, Cranium? Ron?
April: Chris? Sorry, he's meditating. He asked me to tell anyone who comes in that he wishes to remain undisturbed so as to better clarify his head space.
Chris: Oh, God, Ron. I am so sorry. I'll let you get at it.
[After Chris leaves, Ron winks at April]


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