Trending ‘Parks and Recreation’ Quotes

Quote from Andy in Campaign Ad

Dr. Lipp Nerpins: Okay, if you're allergic to any food, we'll know in a few days.
Andy: I think based on the redness I might be allergic to getting stabbed by needles.
[aside to camera:]
Andy: We have already been to, like, five different doctors. I got my ankles microwaved.
April: X-rayed.
Andy: They took my blood away to use for science.
April: Cholesterol tests.
Andy: April had her sinuses removed?
April: Looked at.
Andy: Some guy looked at my wiener, touched it. That was weird.
April: And that guy wasn't even a doctor.
Andy: That... What?

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Quote from Ann in Leslie vs. April

April: Okay, Ann, since you're such a genius, what do we do now?
Ann: Neither of you want Jamm to win, nor do I, because I hate Paunch Burger, but, if there is one in my backyard, I will eat there, like, every night, and that is no good. So I say we stop playing dirty with each other, and we start playing dirty with Jamm.
April: Yes. We'll have triple-sex with him.
Leslie Knope: No. I have an idea. It's very uncool, but it's not illegal, technically, but it is a dick move.
April: I love it.

Quote from Ron Swanson in Media Blitz

Ron Swanson: Do you fish, April?
April: No. Fish are gross.
Ron Swanson: Let me give you a piece of fishing advice.
April: I said I don't...
Ron Swanson: When you have a fish on the line, you don't just drag it behind the boat. You either reel it in, or you cut him loose, especially if he's a nice fish with a big, lovable fish heart.
April: You don't know what you're talking about.
Ron Swanson: Maybe not. Maybe you really do hate Andy. Maybe moving to Indianapolis just to get revenge on him is a really good idea. What do I know?

Quote from Chris in Fancy Party

Chris: Hey, gang.
Leslie Knope: Hey. What'd you bring?
Chris: I was in charge of the cake. To be fair, it's not a cake so much as it is a vegetable loaf. You got your mushrooms, your alfalfa sprouts, your spinach, and I had it sweetened with fruit reduction.
Ron Swanson: But did they ask you to bring a vegetable loaf or a cake?
Chris: No, a cake, but this is so much healthier.
Ron Swanson: So not only does this thing exist, but now you have deprived everyone of cake.
Leslie Knope: Take a walk, Ron.
Ron Swanson: Yep.

Quote from Leslie Knope in Born & Raised

Man: Support for Pawnee Community Radio comes from the Wendell G. and Muriel Fathwright Korbleman Foundation, and Sweetums Cares, a nonprofit group that puts umbrella hats on homeless people when it rains.
Derry Murbles: Welcome to Thoughts for your thoughts. I'm Derry Murbles filling in for David Parker, who took off for eight months to study the migration patterns of our nation's squirrels. We have not seen him since. My guest today is author Leslie Knope. The book, Pawnee: The greatest town in America.
[aside to camera:]
Leslie Knope: I wrote a book. The first historical guide to Pawnee. I wrote it as a reference for myself, but then, my campaign advisor said we should make it a big, wide release. So we had people contribute, we added pictures, and we removed a lot of my poems and emotional ramblings and pictures of unicorns, and here it is!
Derry Murbles: Leslie, could one say that a book is nothing more than a painting of words, which are the notes on the tapestry of the greatest film ever sculpted?
Leslie Knope: One could say that. But should one?
Derry Murbles: Join us next week when David Bianculli will be filling in for Richard Chang-Jefferson, who will be filling in for me. Leslie, would you like to take us out?
Leslie Knope: Okay. "Please enjoy a song from the lesbian Afro-Norwegian Funk duo, Nefertiti's Fjord."
[eccentric pop music plays]
Leslie Knope: Oh, wow. They are terrible.
Derry Murbles: Oh, yes. Th-they're quite awful. But they are lesbians, so...

Quote from Ron Swanson in Tom's Divorce

Leslie Knope: God! It is rough in here. Is it always like this?
Ron Swanson: I wouldn't know. Don't like strip clubs. Smells like a wet mop in here. And I get the feeling that every one of these women is running a low-grade fever.
Leslie Knope: You're one of the good ones, Ron.
Ron Swanson: Wait a minute. Hello, beautiful.
[aside to camera:]
Ron Swanson: Strippers do nothing for me. I like a strong, salt-of-the-earth, self-possessed woman at the top of her field. Your Steffi Grafs, your Sheryl Swoopeses. But I will take a free breakfast buffet any time, any place.

Quote from Andy in Soulmates

Chris: Wow. Fresh lettuce is my all-time favorite food. What's your favorite food?
Andy: Oh, I take skittles, and I put it between two starbursts. You know what I call it?
Chris: Skittle sandwich.
Andy: That's pretty good. No, I call it Andy's mouth surprise. It's nice because the flavor of the Starbursts really bring out a similar flavor in the Skittles.

Quote from Tom in Pawnee Rangers

Tom: Three words for you: Treat. Yo. Self.
Both: [sing] Treat yourself 2011.
[aside to camera:]
Tom: Once a year, Donna and I spend a day treating ourselves. What do we treat ourselves to?
Donna: Clothes.
Tom: Treat yourself.
Donna: Fragrances.
Tom: Treat yourself.
Donna: Massages.
Tom: Treat yourself.
Donna: Mimosas.
Tom: Treat yourself.
Donna: Fine leather goods.
Tom: Treat yourself!
Donna: It's the best day of the year.
Both: [sing] The best day of the year.

Quote from Ann in Farmers Market

Chris: Oh, hey. How was your day?
Ann: [sighs] It was okay. Now my legs really hurt. It's like I have a tension headache, but in my calves. A new surprise every day.
Chris: That sucks.
Ann: I know. And I'm so gassy. There's just been, like, a long, slow fart stream coming out of me since we started talking... this morning.
Chris: That really sucks.
Ann: Yeah. It does. Thanks.
Chris: I'm sorry that I was trying to fix all your problems.
Ann: Oh, God, don't apologize. I'm sorry I was such a freak. You're the nicest, most thoughtful baby daddy a girl could ask for.

Quote from Andy in The Debate

April: I can't get through to the cable company. Can you do something?
Ron Swanson: Like what?
April: Anything. Andy's just acting out scenes from his favorite movies.
Andy: [imitates motorcycle engine] So Swayze runs, boom! Tackles the guy off the motorcycle. Dude's like, "You're dead, bro!" Comes at him. Swayze ducks, scissor kick. Sha! The guy has Swayze's head. And he says, "I used to [bleep] guys like you in prison." By the looks of this guy, this is not consensual sex we're talking about. We see bad guy had a gun the whole time. He's like, "I'ma kill you the old-fashioned way." Swayze's like, "Not this time." That's subtext. He doesn't say that. Bypasses the gun, hooks the arm. Back to the secret move he used before to kill somebody, he feels so bad about it. But this time he has to do it because it's self-defense. K-k-k-kah! Takes the esophagus out of the neck area. You can't eat. You'll starve to death. And that is Road House.

Quote from Craig in Doppelgangers

Donna: [on the phone] I guess we can make a switch to Bermuda grass. It's only 80 cents more per square foot?
Craig: What? Gimme gimme gimme. [takes phone] You want me to put Bermuda grass in a continental climate that's a six on Beaufort scale? In a park with zero drainage? I want Kentucky bluegrass, I want a 10 percent discount, and I want you to apologize to my best friend Donna! [hands phone back]
Donna: Yeah, hi. Is there - and I'm just guessing here - some kind of medication that you maybe need a lot of and have taken none of or maybe too much of today?
Craig: Oh, I have a medical condition all right. It's called caring too much! And it's incurable! Also I have eczema.

Quote from Craig in Farmers Market

Craig: Okay, focus up, you little monsters! Not you, Erica. You're an angel, and we're thrilled you're here. Now, is everyone ready to hear the best music you've ever heard in your miserable little lives?
Kids: No!
Craig: Okay, then, ladies and gentlemen, please welcome... What even do you call yourself?
Andy: Yeah, I--
Craig: Oh, it's too late! Please welcome Johnny Karate and his magical guitar stick!

Quote from Craig in Flu Season 2

Craig: Good evening. May I assist you with a wine tonight?
Tom: Yeah, I'm having fish, so maybe a full-bodied... red?
Craig: You know, sir, you might want to consider something white to go with your fish.
Donna: No. Red. And bring some ice cubes. I like ice cubes in my red wine.
April: I'll have a glass of your most expensive red wine mixed with a glass of your cheapest white wine, served in a dog bowl. Silly straws all around, please.
Craig: I'll be right back with my recommendations.
Tom: Seems to be keeping it together.
Craig: [screams] What kind of monster orders red with fish? I know they're messing with me, and it's just a test, but have some decency. [returns]

Quote from Andy in Farmers Market

Andy: Okay, babe, here's what I did. Tell me if this is appropriate for a kids' song. I changed the lyrics in Sex Hair to... [plays guitar sings] You got sex bears You got 'em from me, kids Sex bears Big ol' sex bears
April: Andy, the word "hair" was not the problem with Sex Hair.
Andy: Oh, it's sex! Oh, crap. Now what the hell am I supposed to sing?

Quote from Leslie Knope in Second Chunce

Leslie Knope: Jen Barkley telling me I had a future was the best present I could have got. Thank you.
Ben: You're welcome. But, I did get you one other present to take your mind off all this.
Leslie Knope: Aww, you are the sweetest man in the world. Where is it?
Ben: Well, it's not here. We have to go get it.
[cut to Leslie and Ben in Paris; aside to camera:]
Leslie Knope: In times of stress or in moments of transition, sometimes it can feel like the whole world is closing in on you. When that happens, you should close your eyes, take a deep breath, listen to the people that love you when they're giving advice, and remember what really matters. And, if you have the ability to go to Paris, by all means, go to Paris!

Quote from Tom in Sweet Sixteen

Tom: Ginuwine? The Ginuwine is your cousin? How do I not know this?
Ann: Who's Ginuwine?
Tom: Ginuwine? Ginuwine is Ginuwine. He's Ginuwine.
Ann: Saying his name over and over again is not going to help me.
Tom: He's an R&B singer. Pony, Differences. Do you really not know who Ginuwine is?
Ann: I know that he's Donna's cousin.
[aside to camera:]
Tom: When I'm dating someone, I have a list called my "oh-no-nos." A woman commits an "oh-no-no," it can end the relationship. Not loving '90s R&B music is number three on the "oh-no-nos" list. Girl doesn't even know who Ginuwine is.

Quote from Ron Swanson in Leslie's House

Ron Swanson: [aside to camera] When it comes to government hearings, the only type of witness I enjoy being is a hostile one. That's why I intend to answer every one of their questions with a question.
[later:]
Phil: Were you aware that all of the entertainment and food was provided by rec center teachers?
Ron Swanson: Would I have stayed if I knew that?
Phil: I don't know, would you have?
Ron Swanson: Would you have?
Phil: No. I wouldn't have. Did you hear Leslie make any promises?
Ron Swanson: What constitutes a promise?
Phil: A quid pro quo.
Ron Swanson: Oh. Do you know Latin?
Phil: Okay. Thank you, Ron.
Ron Swanson: Are we done?

Quote from Donna in Article Two

Donna: What are you bidding on? It better not be Terrence Howard's tank top from Hustle & Flow.
Ann: It is not.
Donna: Good. 'Cause I am bidding on it and I am ready to spend an amount that my accountant calls "dangerous and irresponsible."

Quote from Tom in Greg Pikitis

Tom: What's up, gorgeous!
Ann: Perfect.
Tom: Get your Raggedy ass over here, girl.
Ann: Hey, Tom. Mad Hatter?
Tom: T- Pain, baby! She poppin', she rollin', she rollin' She climbin' that pole and I'm in love with a stripper This is not a stripper. It's my wife, Wendy. You remember her?

Quote from Chris in Ron and Diane

Ben: Wow. The Gergiches really go all out. This is incredible.
Chris: Mmm! This is literally the best non-fat eggnog I've ever had.
Ben: Remain calm, but I think you just drank some of the regular, full-fat eggnog. Chris, one cup won't kill you.
Chris: No, but it will add exactly 440 calories. But you know what? I'm fine. You only live once. Mmm! I don't know if you know this, but things with fat in them taste way better than things with no fat.
Ben: Yeah, Chris, everybody knows that.