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‘London (Part 1)’ Quotes

Parks and Recreation: London (Part 1)

601. London (Part 1)

Aired September 26, 2013

After Leslie is nominated for an international award recognizing women in politics, she, Ben, April and Andy travel to London. Meanwhile, Tom deals with Rent-a-Swag competitor that opened across the street.

Quote from Ron Swanson

Leslie Knope: Okay, guys, we are going to be sightseeing today. Andy and Ben are gonna go to their meeting, and then we're gonna go back to the hotel for lunch, and I will spend the day getting to know London's history.
Ron Swanson: History began on July 4, 1776. Everything before that was a mistake.

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Quote from Ron Swanson

Ron Swanson: [aside to camera] Diane suggested we "tag along to London" for a honeymoon. I agreed, because my love for her trumps my hatred for Europe. Then she hit a phase of morning sickness that knocked her for a loop and decided to stay home, but she insisted I go and take pictures for her. All of this could have been avoided if we'd followed my plan for a honeymoon: a steak dinner, a glass of Lagavulin whiskey, then vigorous lovemaking for two hours, and we're both asleep by 8:30.

Quote from Ron Swanson

Ron Swanson: "London at night." [laughs] That is very funny.
Shopkeeper: Can I help you, sir?
Ron Swanson: Yes. I will take this.
Shopkeeper: We don't accept American currency, sir.
Ron Swanson: Of course you do. That's the most wonderful piece of paper in the world. Accept it.
Shopkeeper: Very sorry, sir.
Ron Swanson: Fine. Enjoy the fact that your royal overlords are a frail, old woman and a tiny baby.

Quote from Ben

Ben: [aside to camera] Andy and I are meeting with an English charity foundation to expand our after-school music program, and British people love me. There was this British kid in my high school who always called me "Big Ben" and would punch me really hard on the arm, and go, "Bong! Bong! Bo--" Oh, he might have hated me.

Quote from Perd Hapley

Kathryn Pinewood: [online video] Apparently, she can't be bothered to stay here in Pawnee, not when there's Europe to gallivant around in.
Perd Hapley: Well, we conducted a Perd poll and asked this question: 48% said she should not be in Europe, 17% say it's okay, and 35% said they were confused by the way the question was posed.

Quote from Tom

Trevor Nelsson: Ah, Mr. Haverford, back again, I see.
Tom: What the hell, man? This looks exactly like my store!
Trevor Nelsson: I know. My client is a very determined businessman. When he rips someone off, he goes all the way. You see, you are Hydrox, Mr. Haverford. We are Oreo.
Tom: Your mysterious, unnamed client seems like a pretty intense guy. I am impressed by how quickly he was able to move such a large amount of merchandise.
Trevor Nelsson: Mm.
Tom: He must be one heck of a transporter.
Trevor Nelsson: My client is not Jason Statham, if that's what you're thinking.
Tom: Sure. Your sales are gonna start to crank up any minute now.
Trevor Nelsson: I assume that's the name of a movie he's done. It's not Jason Statham.

Quote from Tom

Tom: [aside to camera] Some mysterious big shot investor has opened up a store directly across the street from rent-a-swag to try to put me out of business. I'm not worried, though. I've poured my heart and soul into my store. I'm sure this guy's just looking for a place to store all his NBA championship trophies.
Trevor Nelsson: [o.s.] It's not LeBron James.
Tom: Damn.

Quote from Andy

Andy: I can't believe we're at Hogwarts!
Ben: No, that's Buckingham Palace. Hogwarts is fictional. Do you know that? It's important to me that you know that.

Quote from Leslie Knope

Leslie Knope: The Notting Hill bus tour starts at 2:00, the Love Actually bus tour starts at 2:30, and... Oh, the Bridget Jones bus tour starts at 2:30 also. What do we do? Ron, your pick.

Quote from Ron Swanson

Diane: So I...am pregnant. [chuckles]
Ron Swanson: I see.
Diane: I don't understand how. We were so careful.
Ron Swanson: I warned you about this. Standard birth control methods aren't usually effective against a Swanson.
Diane: I got about a million thoughts running around in my head, but I really just want to know what you're thinking.
Ron Swanson: Okay, here's what I'm thinking. I was gonna wait until our anniversary, take you somewhere romantic, perhaps in a canoe. Most likely in a canoe. I actually built a canoe for that purpose, but given the news, and given my significant feelings for you, now seems as good a time as any.
Diane: Ron Swanson.
Ron Swanson: Diane Lewis... will you marry me?
Diane: Yes. On one condition.
Ron Swanson: Anything, my love. Ask me for anything in the world, and I'll give it to you, except a destination wedding.
Diane: Just the opposite. We've both been married before. I don't want anything big or elaborate. In fact, the smaller the better. I assume you can deal with that.
Ron Swanson: Are you kidding? As far as I'm concerned, we could go up to the fourth floor right now.

Quote from Ron Swanson

Ron Swanson: Hello, Carl. My fiancee and I would like to get married right now, right here.
Carl: Haven't I done a quickie wedding for you before?
Ron Swanson: It's certainly possible, but this one's going to stick.
Ethel Beavers: I need your full names for the license.
Ron Swanson: Ronald Ulysses Swanson.
Diane: Diane Tammy Lewis.
Ron Swanson: Tammy? Your middle name is--
Diane: Just kidding, it's Elizabeth.
Ron Swanson: Let's go, Carl.
Leslie Knope: Hey, hey. Let's pump the brakes, Carl, okay?
Ron Swanson: Belay that order, Carl. Shortest possible ceremony. I'm tired of not being married to this woman.

Quote from Leslie Knope

Leslie Knope: Carl, just one second. I would just like to give a short speech, if I may.
Ron Swanson: You have ten seconds.
Leslie Knope: [sighs] At first glance, it may seem as though Ron Swanson and I have nothing in common, but Webster's dictionary defines "friend--"
Ron Swanson: Time.
Leslie Knope: It's--ugh!
Ron Swanson: Thank you, Leslie. I could tell where you were going with that, and it was gonna be beautiful.

Quote from Ron Swanson

Ron Swanson: Great job, everyone. The reception will be held in each of our individual houses, alone.

Quote from Leslie Knope

Leslie Knope: [aside to camera] The people who want to boot me from office have been viciously attacking me for weeks. Last week, I was an answer in the Pawnee Journal's Crossword Puzzle. The clue: "Who's the worst," but you know what? We're fighting back. I've broken my defense initiative into 40 phases. We are currently in phase 26: "No problem too small." Anyone can come to me any time with any problem, no matter how petty or small, and I will fix it personally, and let me tell you, some of these complaints are pretty damn petty and small.

Quote from Ann

Leslie Knope: I have to come up with some solution for this slug problem.
Chris: Someone has a slug infestation? Boy, oh, boy, we live interesting lives, filled with unexpected challenges. Life is precious, and every day is a miracle. Okay.
Ann: What a freak.
[aside to camera:]
Ann: Things with me and Chris are going really well. We spend every day together, and we're having so much fun. And check this out. Oh, no, there's no ring. We just had manicures together recently. Sorry, that was misleading.

Quote from Tom

Jean-Ralphio: Tommy Pickles! You see there's a better version of your store across the street? And those guys are giving out free pizza with "papperonas."
Tom: I know, man. That's my competition. They're trying to put me out of business, and it's working. Three weeks ago, this place was hopping. My clothes were flying off the rack. I was spreading swag around town like a killer swag virus. Now, look at this place. It's dead!

Quote from Ron Swanson

[to camera, in front of Big Ben:]
Ron Swanson: Look, a clock. We don't have that in America.
[to camera, in front of The Tower of London:]
Ron Swanson: You call that a tower? Try the Sears Tower, friend.

Quote from Tom

Ann: What the hell are you doing?
Tom: What am I doing? What are you doing here?
Ann: Dr. Saperstein is giving me a sonogram, in his doctor's office, for women, because I'm pregnant!
Tom: Oh, my God. You're Jean-Ralphio's dad!
Dr. Saperstein: Mm-hmm.
Tom: You're the one that's trying to put me out of business!
Dr. Saperstein: Well, look at that, Mr. Haverford. You tracked me down. Looks like your detective skills are a lot better than your tween, high-end fashion rental skills.
Tom: Ann, Chris, can we have the room, please?
Chris: No, you certainly cannot.

Quote from Tom

Tom: Dr. Saperstein, why are you doing this? What did I ever do to you?
Dr. Saperstein: You know exactly why I'm doing this. You destroyed my family. First, you screwed my son out of your business, and then you stole my daughter's virginity. [long period of laughter] Wait, you're serious?
Dr. Saperstein: Deadly serious. According to my daughter, you broke her heart. Then you smashed up her BMW. I had to buy her a new one, so she could drive to Divinity School. Let me tell you something, mister. You attack a Saperstein, you face my wrath. Be so sure about this, Tiny Tom, that I will crush you like the bug you are... [heart beating; gasps] And there it is, the heartbeat. Everything sounds perfect.
Ann: Ohh.
Chris: This is the moment we were dreaming of: you and me and our baby. And Tom and his weird feud with our doctor.

Quote from April

Leslie Knope: "So I long for a day when women in government will simply be seen as people in government, but until then, I will work to make Pawnee, my wonderful hometown, as good as it can be." What do you think?
April: I think you should lose the first line and the last line and all of the other lines, and instead, just walk up to the mic and meow really loudly for eight minutes.

Quote from Leslie Knope

Leslie Knope: Okay, this trip is amazing, but I miss Pawnee, you know? I want to know what's happening there. One little news blast wouldn't hurt.
Perd Hapley: [online video] Welcome to The Final Word With Perd. Ms. Pinewood, there is a thing you are doing, and that thing is you are leading a recall vote against Councilwoman Knope, and you say you have new, shocking allegations about her.
Leslie Knope: What? What now?
Kathryn Pinewood: [online video] Perd, I take no pleasure in reporting this, but it must come to light. We are here, trying to make Pawnee better, and where is Leslie Knope? She's gallivanting around Europe like some kind of European.
Leslie Knope: How--how did they get that picture so...
April: Facebook.
Leslie Knope: But I just put--
April: Facebook.


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