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‘Indianapolis’ Quotes

Parks and Recreation: Indianapolis

306. Indianapolis

Aired February 24, 2011

As Leslie and Ron take a trip to Indianapolis for an award presentation, Leslie checks in with Chris to see whether he's cheating on Ann. A reluctant Ben finally socializes with his colleagues when he joins Tom at the Snakehole Lounge. Meanwhile, Andy feels bad that he doesn't have more money to spend on April.

Quote from Leslie Knope

Leslie Knope: Well, luckily, I'm heading up there. I'll invite him out to dinner and I'll poke around a little bit.
Ann: Okay.
Leslie Knope: I mean, he's not gonna be able to keep anything from me. In high school, they used to call me Angela Lansbury. But that was because of my haircut.

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Quote from Ron Swanson

Ron Swanson: This isn't a steak. Why would you call it that on your menu?
Waiter: I don't know what to tell you, man.
Ron Swanson: Just give me all the bacon and eggs you have. Wait, wait. I worry what you just heard was, "Give me a lot of bacon and eggs." What I said was, "Give me all the bacon and eggs you have." Do you understand?

Quote from Ron Swanson

Ron Swanson: [aside to camera] I couldn't care less about the commendation. But Indianapolis is home to Charles Mulligan's Steakhouse, the best damn steakhouse in the damn state. I have taken a picture of every steak I've ever eaten there. June 2004. Porterhouse, medium rare, Béarnaise sauce. January 2000. They call this one "The Enforcer." February '96. The steak, rib eye. The whiskey, Lagavulin 16. The lady next to me, a bitch. Specifically, my ex-wife, Tammy. Okay, this is the first time I ever went there. Oh, look at me. I'm just a kid.

Quote from Ben

Ben: [aside to camera] You know, they always ask me to go out with them. They're just being polite. I move around a lot, so the friends I make in these cities, they're like Facebook friends, you know? "Hey, Doug from Bloomington is thinking about buying a shirt." Come on, Doug, who cares?

Quote from Leslie Knope

Leslie Knope: One time, when I was in high school, a guy's mom called me and broke up with me for him. There was another time where I was on a date and I tripped and broke my kneecap. And then the guy said he wasn't "feeling it," so he left and I waited for an ambulance. One time I was dating this guy for a while, and then he got down on one knee and he begged me to never call him again. One guy broke up with me while we were in the shower together. Skywriting isn't always positive. Another time, a guy invited me to a beautiful picnic with wine and flowers, and then, when I tried to sit down, he said, "Don't eat anything. Rebecca's coming." And then he broke up with me. [both laugh]
Ann: Who was Rebecca?
Leslie Knope: Yeah. Exactly.

Quote from Ron Swanson

Ron Swanson: Oh, my God. They just forgot to unlock the door, that's all.
Leslie Knope: Ron, it looks like they're closed for some kind of health code violation. [Ron tries to kick the door down] Ron, stop it! Ron?
[aside to camera:]
Ron Swanson: They just boarded her up like she was some common warehouse. I should have been here.
[back:]
Ron Swanson: What happened to the steaks that were in there when they closed? Do you think they got eaten?

Quote from April

April: [wearing waitress apron] Hey, six beers for table 12.
Waitress: Do you work here?
April: Yeah. My dad owns this place. I'm Janet. Janet Snakehole.

Quote from Ron Swanson

Leslie Knope: What's wrong with you, grouchy pants?
Ron Swanson: I've been fasting all day to save room for Mulligan's.
Leslie Knope: Fasting's not healthy for you, Ron.
Ron Swanson: Leslie, you need to understand, we are heading for the most special place on earth. When I'm done eating a Mulligan's meal, for weeks afterwards, there are flecks of meat in my mustache, and I refuse to clean it because, every now and then, a piece of meat will fall into my mouth.

Quote from Leslie Knope

Leslie Knope: Now, after we are given the certificate, who do you think should speak first? I think it should be me and then you. But, if you want, it could be you and then me. Or it could go me, you, me. What do you think?
Ron Swanson: How about just you?
Leslie Knope: Thank you, Ron. Yes.
[aside to camera:]
Leslie Knope: Tomorrow, the Parks and Rec Department is receiving a commendation at the Indiana Statehouse for bringing the Harvest Festival back. And although it's purely ceremonial, it's a huge deal for me to go to the Statehouse.

Quote from Andy

Andy: So my band's working on a new album.
April: Oh, yeah? What's it called?
Andy: April Ludgate is the Best Ever, Volume One.
April: Shut up.
Andy: So, what do you wanna do tonight? We could watch TV at Burly's house or we could watch TV at your house. Or, I mean, we could watch TV at Best Buy.

Quote from Andy

Andy: [aside to camera] I kind of forgot that you need money when you have a girlfriend. I wanna treat April like a queen, and queens deserve flowers and massages, chocolate, booze, diamonds, rubies, emeralds, them treasure chests full of scarves, different kinds of lubes that warm up when you rub 'em on stuff. I'm gonna give her all that stuff. And more.

Quote from Leslie Knope

Ann: Leslie, I think Chris is cheating on me.
Leslie Knope: What? That lying bastard! Wait. How do you know?
Ann: I don't have any actual proof.
Leslie Knope: Then I'm sure he's not cheating on you. And if he is, he's a monster. And if he's not, you guys are great together. But if he is, I will kill him.

Quote from Leslie Knope

Leslie Knope: If you would be willing to just take a brief pit stop, we could see Indiana's second-largest rocking chair.
Ron Swanson: No.
Leslie Knope: Then maybe we should take a quick two-hour sojourn to Dame Gervin's Misshapen Celebrity Castle. It's where Madame Tussaud sends all of its failed wax figures, and if you can figure out who it is, you get to take it home.
Ron Swanson: No.

Quote from Chris

Leslie Knope: Wow! Look at your foyer. It's like a spa in here.
Chris: Exactly. The entranceway to your house sends a message to the world about who you are. And the front door provides energy flow and opportunity. You cannot limit that.

Quote from Ron Swanson

Leslie Knope: Ron doesn't even have a front door. He won't even tell me his address. Ask him where he lives.
Chris: Where do you live?
Ron Swanson: Why?

Quote from April

April: Is everything okay?
Andy: It kind of sucks that I'm super broke and I wanna buy you stuff and it's embarrassing that I can't, but...
April: I'm broke too, and I don't want anything. I just wanna hang out with you. Plus, I can get free drinks any time I want.
Andy: How?
April: Uh, I'm a girl in a sleazy club.

Quote from April

April: [turns to man next to her] Hey.
Kevin: Hey.
April: I hate drinking alone.
Kevin: Can I get you a drink?
April: Sure. Triple whiskey.
Kevin: What's your name?
April: Oprah.
Kevin: I'm Kevin.
April: Cool. I kind of wanna drink alone.
Kevin: But...
April: I said I wanna drink alone. Thanks. Bye. [to Andy] Here. You take this one. I will get myself a martini from that idiot.

Quote from Leslie Knope

Leslie Knope: So, Chris, do you have any sisters?
Chris: No, I don't, Leslie. Do you have sisters?
Leslie Knope: Maybe. So how's your mom? Is she visiting?
Chris: No, she's home up in Wisconsin. Is your mom visiting?
Leslie Knope: Any aunts?
Chris: Nope. You have aunts?
Leslie Knope: Girl cousins? A youthful grandmother, perhaps?
Chris: Nope.
Ron Swanson: [to Leslie] Did you forget how to have a conversation?

Quote from Ben

Tom: Watch the master work it. I'm the Yoda of networking.
Ben: Well, Yoda wouldn't actually need networking. I mean, his powers were more spiritual.
Tom: Shut up, you nerd!
Ben: I get it. Okay.

Quote from Ron Swanson

Ron Swanson: [screams]
Leslie Knope: Ron?
Ron Swanson: What in the devil's name is this?
Chris: Portobello mushrooms.
Ron Swanson: Where's the steak?
Chris: Oh, there's no steak. That's a healthier option. It's organically grown.
Ron Swanson: Lord.
Leslie Knope: Ron, are you okay? [Ron stumbles] Whoa, whoa, whoa, okay. Could you get us a cold compress or something?

Quote from Leslie Knope

Leslie Knope: Look, we'll find a 24-hour diner. Or we can get one of those cows that we saw on the way up here and we'll bring it back and we'll make steaks out of that.

Quote from Chris

Chris: Ann Perkins, what are you doing here?
Leslie Knope: Whose pink razor's in your shower?
Chris: Excuse me?
Ann: Leslie found a pink razor and a pink swimming cap in your shower. Whose is it?
Chris: I guess you're talking about my razor. I shave my legs for swimming, and women's razors work better. For whatever reason, men's razor technology hasn't figured out how to properly contour the shinbone.
Ann: And the swimming cap?
Chris: Indiana Breast Cancer Awareness Triathlon, 2009. Came in fourth.
Leslie Knope: Well, I found concealer in your medicine cabinet. What's that about?
Chris: I'm a human being. Sometimes I get blemishes. I'm not perfect.

Quote from Andy

April: Did you keep the toilet paper?
Andy: Yes. I feel bad, but I need it.
April: Ew.

Quote from Ben

Ben: Hey, hey, that's gotta be Feinstein's car. Give me... Give me the Tommy Fresh.
Tom: Why?
Ben: Give me Tommy Fresh.
[Ben takes the perfume bottle and sprays it through the open window in the car]
Ben: He's gonna smell your dreams now. [high fives; retches]
Leslie Knope: Are you okay? Is it that bad?
Ben: Oh, my God. It's unbelievable.


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