Leslie Knope: If you look inside your bags, you will find a few things. A bouquet of hand-crocheted flower pens... A mosaic portrait of each of you made from the crushed bottles of your favorite diet soda, and a personalized 5,000-word essay of why you are all so awesome.
[aside to camera:]
Leslie Knope: What's Galentine's Day? Oh, it's only the best day of the year. Every February 13th, my lady friends and I leave our husbands and our boyfriends at home and we just come and kick it breakfast style. Ladies celebrating ladies. It's like Lilith Fair minus the angst, plus frittatas.

Leslie Knope: [aside to camera] How often do you get to reunite soul mates? What if I told you that you could reunite Romeo and Juliet? Or Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston? Oh, Jen. I really want you to be happy. Stay away from John Mayer.

Derek: [as an old man] Come here, sonny. Let me tell you about the Civil War.
Ben: Grandpa, leave me alone. You smell like death.
April: I'm gonna get some punch. [to an old couple] Excuse me. You guys are really adorable. It's really nice.

Ron Swanson: Everything okay, Knope?
Leslie Knope: My boyfriend is a lawyer, and he's smart and interesting, and there's a lot of things about him I like. But he acted like a real jerk today. I don't know. There's something about the way he treats people or something.
Ron Swanson: He's a tourist. He vacations in people's lives, takes pictures, puts them in his scrapbook, and moves on. All he's interested in are stories.
Leslie Knope: Huh.
Ron Swanson: Basically, Leslie, he's selfish. And you're not. And that's why you don't like him.
Woman #1: I told you so. It's Duke Silver.
Woman #2: Duke, can I have your autograph? I love your music.
Ron Swanson: You're mistaken, ladies. Move along.

Leslie Knope: So to conclude our Galentine's Day breakfast, it is time for the greatest story ever told.
Ann: What's the story?
Leslie Knope: It's the most romantic story ever. It makes The Notebook look like Saw V. Go, Mom, go.
Marlene Knope: It was 1968. I was 18 and our family went on a vacation to Bermuda. And on the first day, I went for a swim in the ocean. And I got caught in a very strong current. [Leslie gasps]
Ann: You've heard this story before, right?
Leslie Knope: Yes, but the drama.
Marlene Knope: The next thing I felt were two very powerful arms whisking me to safety. And he looked down at me and he said, "Are you okay?" And I looked up at him and I said, "I am now."
[later:]
Leslie Knope: So they sneak out to meet each other and walk on the beach. And two weeks later, he asked her to marry him and move to Illinois. But her parents thought she was too young, so she said no. And then they lost touch, and a few years later she met my dad.

Justin: Well, at least let me try and find him. Imagine how much better that story would be if we actually reunited them.
Tom: I think Justin's right. You should let him do this.
Leslie Knope: Okay. Do it. But if you find him and he's weird, like a ventriloquist, or a puppeteer, or anyone who pretends toys are people, then abort the mission.

Mark: You, you're the best girlfriend ever.
Ann: Aw!
Mark: Happy Valentine's Day. I knew, eventually, somehow, being in a relationship with you would totally pay off.
[aside to camera:]
Ann: I bought him some actual towels. He was using a bathrobe. And I bought him some other things that humans usually use, like shampoo.

Leslie Knope: It isn't just a job, gang, we're gonna learn a lot from these seniors. Some of them have been married for half a century. And no offense, but everybody here is terrible at love. Divorced, dating a gay guy, divorced twice, jury's still out on you two. And Jerry, who knows.
Jerry: I've been happily married for 28 years. You've met my wife, Gayle, many times.
Leslie Knope: Whatever.

Leslie Knope: Finally, Ann and Mark are our special volunteers, and they will be available whenever needed. I didn't volunteer. Yeah, too bad. You got drafted. [Bostonian accent] Ask not what your old people could do for you, ask what you could do for your old people.
Tom: Terminator.
Leslie Knope: What? No, JFK. [as Arnold Schwarzenegger] This meeting has been terminated. That is the Terminator.
Tom: Nice.

Leslie Knope: Ron, I need a half a day off for a secret mission of love.
Ron Swanson: You're asking my permission to take a nooner?
Leslie Knope: Sure. Well, I don't know. Maybe. Justin and I need to go on a romantically-inspired road trip.
Ron Swanson: So it is a nooner?
Leslie Knope: Well, we're planning to leave around noon, so I'm not quite sure...
Justin: That's... No, Leslie, that is not a nooner. I tracked down this old flame of Leslie's mom. We're gonna go pick him up. We're gonna reunite them on Valentine's Day. Is that a great story or what?
Ron Swanson: Yeah, great story indeed. Enjoy your half day off.
Leslie Knope: Thank you.
Justin: Pick you up tomorrow around noon.
Leslie Knope: For our nooner. Which is a cute word.
Ron Swanson: Explain it to her later.
Leslie Knope: Explain what?