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‘New Slogan’ Quotes

Parks and Recreation: New Slogan

616. New Slogan

Aired March 13, 2014

Leslie finds it hard not to micromanage a poll to find a new slogan for Pawnee. Meanwhile, Andy uncovers Ron's musical secret, and Donna shows Tom around locations for his restaurant.

Quote from Leslie Knope

Leslie Knope: [aside to camera] Grant Larsen has offered me a chance to oversee a branch office of the national park service. This is like the parks equivalent of Bruce Springsteen pulling Courtney Cox onstage. I mean, one minute you're just a regular girl in the crowd, and the next minute you're dancing 10 feet away from freakin' Max Weinberg!

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Quote from Andy

Ron Swanson: You really shouldn't have dug that out of the dumpster.
Andy: I had to. Also I had a banana on the way over here. Sorry. I get why you don't want any more to know about Duke Silver, and you don't have to worry. You secret is safe with me. To even it out, I'm gonna tell you all of my secrets.
Ron Swanson: Oh, no, that's not necessary.
Andy: I once forgot to brush my teeth for five weeks. I didn't actually sell my last car. I just forgot where I parked it. I don't know who Al Gore is, and at this point I'm too afraid to ask. When they say 2% milk, I don't know what the other 98% is. When I was a baby, my head was so big scientists did experiments on me. I once threw beer at a swan, and then it attacked my niece Rebecca.

Quote from Tom

Tom: Regal Meagle. My favorite realtor. You got some hot properties to show me?
Donna: You know it.
Tom: Remember my list of must-haves: Open kitchen, fireplace, exposed brick, and you know I wouldn't kick a skylight out of bed.
[aside to camera:]
Tom: I'm opening Pawnee's first authentic Sinatra style Italian restaurant, "Tom's Bistro." I'm kind of like a skinny, handsome, Indian Mario Batali, who doesn't know how to cook.

Quote from Ron Swanson

Andy: Dude, what are you doing? That looks like a perfectly good saxophone case. Wait a minute. What's inside that case?
Ron Swanson: I am ending my secret musical career. I have to kill Duke Silver.
Andy: No, come on, man. You're really good. You can't quit.
Ron Swanson: Sorry, Andrew. I would rather never play again than have everyone know my secret. Good-bye, Duke Silver. May you rest... in jazz.

Quote from Leslie Knope

Leslie Knope: [aside to camera] Now that Eagleton and Pawnee have merged, it is time to pick a new town slogan. And a slogan can make a big difference with tourism and a town's identity. There is New York, the city that never sleeps. And then there is Glenwater, Florida, home of America's most violent Walmart parking lot.

Quote from Donna

Donna: So this was one of Eagleton's top sushi restaurants. But you can't out-run the whale meat police forever.

Quote from Ron Swanson

Andy: Gosh, this place is packed. You folks must really like this guy.
Toni: Honey, he is sex on a stick.
Emcee: Ladies and gentlemen, put your jazzy hands together for my man, Mr. Duke Silver! [cheer and applause]
Ron Swanson: A smooth and silky evening to you all. On nights like this, when the cold winds blow, and the air is awash in the swirling eddies of our dreams, come with me and find safe haven... in a warm bathtub full of my jazz.

Quote from Ben

Ben: Okay, I don't want to over-hype this, but presenting... Dun-da-da-dah! .. the new city of Pawnee website! Totally revamped!
Leslie Knope: You can pay parking tickets, you can apply for a business license and the best part is we're going to put up an online poll so people can pick the new town slogan!
Andy: Hey, look a panda!
Ben: Yeah, that's just some mascot thing that the designer put up on the front page. But more importantly, you can now apply for a utility tax refund... online!
Donna: Wait, the panda's name is Peebo.
April: Peebo.
Jerry: Look, you can even play ping-pong.
Tom: What?
April: I want to play!
Andy: No, me first! Me first! That's it. I'm calling it.
Leslie Knope: Guys, Ben worked really hard on this, okay? Let's look at the online polls. It's gonna be a cool way to choose our new town's slogan. [gasps] The panda holds a paddle with his tail. I want to play!
Ron Swanson: Congratulations, Ben. This is truly a fine panda game you made. Well done.
April: What else does he do?
Ben: I think if you click on the bamboo, it puts on a top hat.
All: What?
Andy: I love you, Ben!

Quote from Andy

Andy: Well, I've been driving all over Indiana looking for bands to play the unity concert. I got nothing to show for, except for four car accidents. All these strangers' insurance information. Ooh, I get it, you have car insurance. Why don't you brag about it?

Quote from Leslie Knope

Leslie Knope: Oh, Mr. Larsen. Thank you so much for meeting me here.
Grant Larsen: Happy to. I was in the area. The chance for me to return your binder full of questions about the job. I think I answered all of them.
Leslie Knope: Thank you. I cannot wait to check this out. Now, the reason why I asked you to meet me here--
Grant Larsen: More questions about the job.
Leslie Knope: Oh, yeah. [pulls out even bigger binder] Martha? I'm gonna need two hours worth of waffles.

Quote from Leslie Knope

Leslie Knope: Okay, my fortieth and eighteenth from last question is about the Heartland Exotic Plant Management Project. Now, were would I be actually doing the physical planting? Because it is always been a dream of mine to plant spotted jewelweed along the red river bank in Arkansas, but I'm sure you hear that a lot.
Grant Larsen: Well, you wouldn't actually be planting things. I mean, you're overseeing 200 people. The everyday minutia you would delegate to staff. Leslie, your job is more creative, big picture stuff. No more boring people working for you.
Leslie Knope: Good! I hate paperwork. I hardly ever do it in my bed on a Saturday night while listening to old Spice Girls CDs.

Quote from April

Tom: Before we go, I got you guys a little something for helping me out.
Donna: Oh! Love it!
April: A Larry voodoo doll? Tom, that's so sweet. Thanks.
Jerry: [hits head] Ow! Oh, my gosh!
April: I didn't even do anything. The voodoo doll is reading my thoughts.

Quote from Tom

Tom: This is great. I love it! Look at it, I can picture it now. That's where the politicians will sit, this is where the connected guys will bring their goomahs. This place is perfect.

Quote from Leslie Knope

Leslie Knope: This press junket is a brilliant idea, isn't it? Mr. Strange Cameraman Who I Never Met.
Ben: Leslie, I told you, I'm not gonna participate in your weird Julia Roberts, cameraman husband fantasy.
Leslie Knope: Quiet, cameraman, Perd's here.

Quote from Perd Hapley

Perd Hapley: Leslie, your poll is designed to choose a new slogan. And a slogan is a series of words that have a meaning.
Leslie Knope: [laughs] So true, Perd. All of the choices for the town slogan are wonderful, but if I had to choose my favorite it would probably be "Storied past, bright future."
Perd Hapley: Well, the story of my interest level is: It's medium.

Quote from Joan Callamezzo

Leslie Knope: Joan, this poll is a chance to give our newly-merged city a new identity. To really rebrand this town.
Joan Callamezzo: Yes, great question. I have been thinking of rebranding myself. What do you think about Juan Callamezzo?
Leslie Knope: Isn't "Juan" a man's name?
Joan Callamezzo: No, it means "flower."
Leslie Knope: I think it means "John."

Quote from Ron Swanson

Ron Swanson: Can I help you?
Andy: Maybe. I was out at the jazz club last night scouting bands for the unity concert. And I saw something very interesting.
Ron Swanson: [closes door with remote] I am Duke Silver.
Andy: You have a twin brother.
Both: What?
Ron Swanson: I have a twin brother.
Andy: You are Duke Silver?
Ron Swanson: Yes, I am Duke Silver. [Andy laughs] The only other people who know are Tom and April. So, please, keep it to yourself.
Andy: Are you kidding me? You are really good! You are, like, the saxophone player for the California-raisins-good. No joke. You know what? I'm booking you... for the unity concert.
Ron Swanson: Absolutely not. My musical career is private. If my secret got out, this office would be waist-deep in women's undergarments.
Andy: No, I'm in charge of booking the bands for the concert, and I say, you're in. You're gonna play right after Bobby Knight Ranger. It's a night ranger cover band where they only wear read sweaters. It's gonna be epic!

Quote from Tom

Donna: This is the last listing I have that isn't an active crime scene.
Tom: Hey, man, what happened? I thought Jurassic Fork was super popular.
Tim Jemmersting: We stretched ourselves too thin by expanding to a second location.
April: You opened another dinosaur-themed restaurant?
Tim Jemmersting: No, another Steven Spielberg-themed restaurant. The German place downtown, Schindler's Lunch.
Tom: I think you may have misunderstood what people liked about Jurassic Fork. I actually think the space is pretty cool. Obviously, we'd had to move this T-Rex, but--
Tim Jemmersting: No can do. That's a load-bearing T-Rex.

Quote from Leslie Knope

Ben: Well, I.T. is fixing the website, but it will be down for about three days.
Leslie Knope: Well, no worries, I will handle all of the overflow work personally. Parking tickets, code violations... send them all to me.
Ben: What's going on?
Leslie Knope: [sighs] I don't know. I spoke to grant about the national parks job, and he mentioned that's mostly big picture planning and delegating, and not very much nitty-gritty, hands-on stuff that I love to do. I would miss that, very much. I mean, have I really pulled my last bloated raccoon carcass from a public fountain?

Quote from Tom

April: Are you okay?
Tom: Yeah. I just got excited about the restaurant but I should probably call my investor and tell him we have a problem.
April: Well, I got you something to cheer you up. Watch cologne.
Tom: Cologne for watches. Thanks. Things used to make me so happy. But I've grown a lot in the last year. Now I just want one big thing, my own restaurant, named after me, that makes me so much money I can buy anything I want. I should go.

Quote from Leslie Knope

Erica: This slogan is gonna go on every sign in town. I think it should be something real that we can all be proud of. I've lived in Pawnee my whole life and it could be a strange place, but overall it's a warm, and wonderful town. My idea for a slogan is, "When you're here, then you're home."
Jerry: Well, that's lovely.
Erica: I actually had it printed up so we can see what it would look like.
Leslie Knope: Oh, you-- Hm--there's--that's--that's spelled wrong. That should be "then", t-h-e-n.
Ben: Stay strong. Let them work it out. And trust Larry.
Leslie Knope: Trust Larry? Are you listening to yourself?
Brenda: I like that slogan a lot. But you made a little mistake there.
Ben: You see?
Leslie Knope: Back off.
Brenda: "You're" is spelled wrong. It should be "y-o-u-r."
Jerry: Oops, I didn't catch it. Thank you.
Leslie Knope: No, no, no, she made it possessive. She's getting further away.

Quote from Tom

Tom: Man, the places that came on the market today are way nicer than the listings we saw yesterday.
April: I know, crazy, right? Real estate.
Donna: This property is under your budget, and it's got everything on this wish list you gave me. Except the two helipads.
Tom: Does it have one helipad?

Quote from Leslie Knope

Councilman Howser: And special thanks to Leslie Knope for once again bringing about positive change to this town. Pawnee, I present to you, your new slogan. [soft applause]
Ben: You fixed the mistakes.
Leslie Knope: I held it together for the entire meeting. Let me have this one. I'm done micromanaging. I promise.
Ben: Then I'm sure you are okay with the fact that they installed the sign the wrong way and it's welcoming you to Pawnee as you're leaving.
Leslie Knope: What? No! Oh, son of a--


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