Previous Episode Next Episode 

‘Eagleton’ Quotes

Parks and Recreation: Eagleton

312. Eagleton

Aired May 5, 2011

Leslie is outraged when the neighboring town of Eagleton, run by Leslie's former best friend Lindsay Carlisle Shay (guest star Parker Posey), erects a fence on the border with Pawnee. Meanwhile, Ron is fearful of what Leslie has in store when she finds out it's almost his birthday.

Quote from Donna

Tom: They put up a fence.
Leslie Knope: Who? [gasps] No!
Andy: What's that?
Leslie Knope: There's a small park on the line between Pawnee and Eagleton, and...
Tom: Last night Eagleton put up a fence around their side to keep us disgusting Pawnee hobos off their precious land. There's even a security guard. You got to show Eagleton I.D. to get in.
Donna: Eagleton is a bunch of rich snobs. And that's coming from someone who has a Mercedes with a Harman Kardon Logic 7 surround-sound system.

Rate

Quote from Tom

Tom: [aside to camera] People in Eagleton are straight up mean to us. I would never set foot over there. But it's the only place that I can get my bumble and bumble hair care products, so I'm there every eight days.

Quote from Leslie Knope

[aside to camera:]
Leslie Knope: Ron refuses to tell anyone when his birthday is. He's even had it redacted on all government documents. Three years of investigations, phone calls, Freedom of Information Act requests, and still, I had nothing... Until a well-placed bribe to a gentleman at Baskin-Robbins revealed... Ron's birthday is on Friday.
[back:]
Ron Swanson: Damn it. I was so careful.
Leslie Knope: Well, you blew it. All for a free scoop of rum raisin. Was it worth it, Ron? Was it?

Quote from Ron Swanson

Ron Swanson: I command you to do nothing.
Leslie Knope: I'm not gonna do nothing. I'm gonna do something. And it's gonna be really big. I have a lot of years to make up for.
[aside to camera:]
Ron Swanson: I don't like loud noises and people making a fuss, and I especially don't like people celebrating because they know a piece of private information about me. Plus, the whole thing is a scam. Birthdays were invented by Hallmark to sell cards.

Quote from Leslie Knope

Leslie Knope: [aside to camera] Factoid alert... Eagleton was founded by former Pawneeans. Pawnee was established in May of 1817. And by July, finding the smell unpleasant and the soil untenable, all the wealthy people evacuated to Eagleton.

Quote from Leslie Knope

Leslie Knope: Happy Birthday, Ron.
Ron Swanson: Ann said you had a big party... sombreros, karaoke.
Leslie Knope: Yeah, I did that for Ann. Why would I throw Ron Swanson an Ann Perkins party?
Ron Swanson: What about the giant list of things April was doing?
Leslie Knope: That was just a list of ways to mess with you. She do 'em all?
Ron Swanson: She did indeed.
Leslie Knope: So I have rented Bridge on the River Kwai and The Dirty Dozen. [cork pops] Artie from security is outside the door, so no one will bother you. And a cab will be here whenever you're ready to take you home.
Ron Swanson: Thank you.

Quote from Leslie Knope

Leslie Knope: Good morning, Ron.
Ron Swanson: Good morning. I know how much you enjoy paperwork, but don't hover.
Leslie Knope: Nice bench. Is that new?
Ron Swanson: No, that's been there since the '90s.
Leslie Knope: What are you doing for your birthday on Friday?
Ron Swanson: Nothing. I never d...
Leslie Knope: Aha!
Ron Swanson: Oh, God.
Leslie Knope: [sings] Birthday, birthday, birthday It's your birthday It's your birthday, and I know when it is.

Quote from Leslie Knope

Leslie Knope: [aside to camera] Lindsay Carlisle Shay and I used to be best friends. We worked together at the Pawnee Parks Department. Then she went to work in Eagleton and "fixed her deviated septum" and lost 35 pounds and lost something else. What was it again? Oh, yeah. Her soul.

Quote from Leslie Knope

Ben: Is the Eagleton side really that much better than the Pawnee side?
Leslie Knope: To be fair, yeah. Our side is this scrappy piece of land where kids go to smash fluorescent light tubes. But it has a lot of heart.
April: That's what people always say when something sucks.
Leslie Knope: We should stand up for our town, okay? Pawneeans are just as good as Eagletonians, although on average, we are several inches shorter and 80 pounds heavier.

Quote from Ron Swanson

Ron Swanson: [aside to camera] Leslie has a lot of qualities I find horrifying. But the worst one by far is how thoughtful she can be.

Quote from Leslie Knope

Bill: It's the only park in our neighborhood. I mean, where are my kids supposed to play... the rock quarry? There's rocks in there.
Gary: Why don't we just set fire to the fence? You know, set it ablaze.
Leslie Knope: That's arson.
Gary: Well, let's leave that up to the lawyers. The point is, it would work.
Pearl: Why don't we build a fence around their fence?
Leslie Knope: Why?
Pearl: It would give us... Two fences, so if they needed to get to their fence for maintenance and whatnot, their pants might get caught.
Florence: My son Joey tried to scale that fence to play on the Eagleton side, and he fell and hurt his arm. You need to get those people to tear that fence down.
Leslie Knope: This woman's right. I promise you, citizens of Pawnee and sweet, brave Joey, I will tear down that fence. [applause]
Gary: Okay, I-I'm just gonna suggest one more time that we burn it down.
Leslie Knope: Yeah. Great.

Quote from April

April: [on the phone] Yes, hi. I have a question about your inflatable saxophones. Do those come in different sizes? I'm gonna need about 40 dozen of those. Also, what about your neon gangster fedora hats? [Ron hangs up the phone] Um... That was rude.
Ron Swanson: Whatever's going on here, stop it immediately.
April: I was just talking on the phone.
Ron Swanson: To whom?
April: It was personal. I would never make a work-related call. You know that.

Quote from Leslie Knope

Ben: Wow! This is where they have their Public Forums?
Leslie Knope: Yeah, it's not that great.
Tom: They had a valet.
Leslie Knope: Yes, Eagleton is nicer than Pawnee. And, yes, because of their cupcake factory, the air always smells like vanilla.
Ben: [inhales deeply] Oh, yeah. Wow.
Leslie Knope: But... Their people are not inherently better than our people. The only thing they beat us in is life expectancy, beauty pageants, and average income. Who cares?

Quote from Tom

Tom: Decisions, decisions. Uh, I think I'm gonna go with the porcini mushrooms and boursin, s'il vous plait.

Quote from Ann

Ron Swanson: Just tell me what Leslie is planning.
Ann: Honestly, I-I don't know. I haven't heard anything.
Ron Swanson: Why don't you tell me what she did for your last birthday?
Ann: Oh, well, that was intense. She totally surprised me. She kidnapped me from work, and then she took me to that place, Senor Vega's, you know, where the mariachi band comes out. They put a big sombrero on you, and then everybody sings Happy Birthday?
Ron Swanson: Damn it.
Ann: And then we went back to my house, and she invited basically everyone I knew, and she had this great guy doing face painting, and I had my face painted like a fairy tiger. [Ron groans] Also, she did it, like, a week before my birthday, which is genius, 'cause I had no idea it was coming. And then there was a bouncy castle. Did you know they made those for adults?

Quote from Leslie Knope

Leslie Knope: I want her arrested for attempted murder.
Chief Trumple: For God's sake, Knope. Get a grip.
Lindsay Carlisle Shay: [sirens wailing] Thank God you're here! I want her arrested! She attacked me, and then she hurled my Kate Spade headband somewhere.
Chief Trumple: I think my Eagleton colleagues would agree that we don't want to make a federal case out of this, so I suggest you both apologize to each other, and we pretend this never happened.
Leslie Knope: I will never apologize to her.
Lindsay Carlisle Shay: Nor I her.
Leslie Knope: [mockingly] "Nor I her." I doth proclaim to be a stupid fartface.
Lindsay Carlisle Shay: Nice retort. Did G.B. Shaw write that for you?
Leslie Knope: Did G.B. Shaw write your stupid fartface?

Quote from Ann

Ann: Well, first of all, this color looks amazing on you.
Leslie Knope: Thank you.
Ann: Second of all, the whole fence thing... she's obviously trying to get a rise out of you. Third of all, she knows she only got the job because you turned it down, which must drive her nuts. But most importantly, you say the word, and I will beat her senseless with a baseball bat.
Leslie Knope: [softly] Thank you.

Quote from Leslie Knope

Leslie Knope: Do you remember what you said to me five years ago when Eagleton offered me that job, and I asked you for your advice?
Ron Swanson: Uh, "Do whatever the hell you want. What do I care?"
Leslie Knope: Right, but then, after, when I pressed you, what did you say?
Ron Swanson: I believe I said that I thought we worked well together and that I might disagree with your philosophy, but I respected you. And I said that you'll get a lot of job offers in your life, but you only have one hometown.
Leslie Knope: Yes. That's how I remember it. This, by the way, is a one-time-only situation. Next year, your birthday party is gonna be a rager.


 Episode 311 Episode 313 
  Select another episode