Leslie Knope: I have a press conference about the Pawnee Commons in two hours. So I need to go through every email that I've ever sent, ever. I need to know what they might use against me.
Ron Swanson: You can't hack into a typewriter. That's all I have to say.
Leslie Knope: Can it, Unabomber. This is an emergency.

Ben: Andy, are you okay?
Andy: Oh, I'm fine. It's just that life is pointless and nothing matters and I'm always tired. Also, I can't sleep, I'm overeating, none of my old hobbies interest me.
[aside to camera:]
April: Ever since Andy failed the police academy exam, his self-esteem has hit rock bottom. He's always sad and sweaty. He's usually happy and sweaty.

Leslie Knope: Okay, I need more jokes, people. Ben is having his first day at work, so he cannot help me. So I need you guys to pick up the slack.
Ron Swanson: I have a joke for you.
Leslie Knope: Okay.
Ron Swanson: The government in this town is excellent and uses your tax dollars efficiently. [laughs goofily]
Leslie Knope: That's not really a joke, Ron.
Ron Swanson: I disagree. I find it hilarious.

Leslie Knope: Thank you so much. It's great to be here at the Pawnee Correspondents' Lunch. There's so many wonderful, talented journalists here. Also here are some reporters from the Pawnee Sun. [laughs] Oh, hey, hey. I love the Pawnee Sun. Some people say that it's a useless tabloid. But I don't think it's useless. I think it's great for housebreaking puppies. [all laughing]
[aside to camera:]
Leslie Knope: I am prepping for the Pawnee Correspondents' Lunch. It's an annual affair where the media and the government roast each other. My number one target: the Pawnee Sun. 364 days a year, they rake me over the coals. Today, I take those burning coals, I shove them back down their throats, and I watch their melting flesh drip off their worthless faces! It's all in good fun.

Ann: Sorry, the door was open.
Ron Swanson: I wish this office had only walls.

Ben: I have to pick our first charity by tomorrow, and there's a million applications. Can you guys help me sort 'em out?
April: You know what? This sounds like fun. Babe, come on. Let's help him. It'll be fun.
Tom: Well, it sounds like you guys got it covered. I'm gonna head out. Actually have my own charity to attend to. Tommy's Tummy Foundation.
Ben: Well, they bring me fancy lunches here. If you stay, you can have some.
Tom: What? Crab, caviar? On behalf of Tommy's Tummy Foundation, I'm happy to accept this generous donation.

Ann: Actually, Ron, I-I could use your advice on how to be blunt and honest. I want my friend to do something for me, and I don't know how to ask him.
Ron Swanson: What do you want him to do?
Ann: Plant ficuses. In my front yard.
[aside to camera:]
Ann: Grossest metaphor ever.
[back:]
Ron Swanson: I've seen your house. You'd have more success if he planted ficuses in your backyard.
Ann: No, I don't think so.
Ann: Anyway, what if he thinks I'm asking too much of him, and I ask him to plant the ficuses, and he doesn't want to, and he gets weird about it, and it ruins our friendship?
Ron Swanson: Then plant the damn ficuses yourself.
Ann: [guffaws] I wish that were possible.

Ann: [aside to camera] Chris broke up with his girlfriend a week ago, and I have decided to ask him to be the father of my baby. Except I cannot work up the nerve to do it. Turns out they don't make greeting cards for asking your ex-boyfriend if he will artificially inseminate you.

Ben: Okay. Think I have our winner. It's called Rural Ambu-care. They want to buy an ambulance for people who live far away from the hospital.
April: Ambulances are dumb. When has an ambulance ever helped anyone?

Leslie Knope: Okay, nothing too bad so far.
Donna: There's a "Top Ten Ben's butt 2012 slide show." You emailed it to Ben and Ann... And The Huffington Post?
Leslie Knope: Yeah, I'm not embarrassed by that.