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‘Correspondents' Lunch’ Quotes

Parks and Recreation: Correspondents' Lunch

515. Correspondents' Lunch

Aired February 21, 2013

Leslie is excited to roast local journalists at the Pawnee Correspondents' Lunch. Meanwhile, Ben starts his job at the Sweetums Foundation, and Ann hopes to ask Chris to be her sperm donor.

Quote from April

Ben: Andy, are you okay?
Andy: Oh, I'm fine. It's just that life is pointless and nothing matters and I'm always tired. Also, I can't sleep, I'm overeating, none of my old hobbies interest me.
[aside to camera:]
April: Ever since Andy failed the police academy exam, his self-esteem has hit rock bottom. He's always sad and sweaty. He's usually happy and sweaty.

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Quote from Ron Swanson

Leslie Knope: I have a press conference about the Pawnee Commons in two hours. So I need to go through every email that I've ever sent, ever. I need to know what they might use against me.
Ron Swanson: You can't hack into a typewriter. That's all I have to say.
Leslie Knope: Can it, Unabomber. This is an emergency.

Quote from Leslie Knope

Leslie Knope: Thank you so much. It's great to be here at the Pawnee Correspondents' Lunch. There's so many wonderful, talented journalists here. Also here are some reporters from the Pawnee Sun. [laughs] Oh, hey, hey. I love the Pawnee Sun. Some people say that it's a useless tabloid. But I don't think it's useless. I think it's great for housebreaking puppies. [all laughing]
[aside to camera:]
Leslie Knope: I am prepping for the Pawnee Correspondents' Lunch. It's an annual affair where the media and the government roast each other. My number one target: the Pawnee Sun. 364 days a year, they rake me over the coals. Today, I take those burning coals, I shove them back down their throats, and I watch their melting flesh drip off their worthless faces! It's all in good fun.

Quote from Ron Swanson

Leslie Knope: Okay, I need more jokes, people. Ben is having his first day at work, so he cannot help me. So I need you guys to pick up the slack.
Ron Swanson: I have a joke for you.
Leslie Knope: Okay.
Ron Swanson: The government in this town is excellent and uses your tax dollars efficiently. [laughs goofily]
Leslie Knope: That's not really a joke, Ron.
Ron Swanson: I disagree. I find it hilarious.

Quote from Ron Swanson

Ann: Sorry, the door was open.
Ron Swanson: I wish this office had only walls.

Quote from Tom

Ben: I have to pick our first charity by tomorrow, and there's a million applications. Can you guys help me sort 'em out?
April: You know what? This sounds like fun. Babe, come on. Let's help him. It'll be fun.
Tom: Well, it sounds like you guys got it covered. I'm gonna head out. Actually have my own charity to attend to. Tommy's Tummy Foundation.
Ben: Well, they bring me fancy lunches here. If you stay, you can have some.
Tom: What? Crab, caviar? On behalf of Tommy's Tummy Foundation, I'm happy to accept this generous donation.

Quote from Ann

Ann: Actually, Ron, I-I could use your advice on how to be blunt and honest. I want my friend to do something for me, and I don't know how to ask him.
Ron Swanson: What do you want him to do?
Ann: Plant ficuses. In my front yard.
[aside to camera:]
Ann: Grossest metaphor ever.
[back:]
Ron Swanson: I've seen your house. You'd have more success if he planted ficuses in your backyard.
Ann: No, I don't think so.
Ann: Anyway, what if he thinks I'm asking too much of him, and I ask him to plant the ficuses, and he doesn't want to, and he gets weird about it, and it ruins our friendship?
Ron Swanson: Then plant the damn ficuses yourself.
Ann: [guffaws] I wish that were possible.

Quote from Ann

Ann: [aside to camera] Chris broke up with his girlfriend a week ago, and I have decided to ask him to be the father of my baby. Except I cannot work up the nerve to do it. Turns out they don't make greeting cards for asking your ex-boyfriend if he will artificially inseminate you.

Quote from Leslie Knope

Leslie Knope: Okay, nothing too bad so far.
Donna: There's a "Top Ten Ben's butt 2012 slide show." You emailed it to Ben and Ann... And The Huffington Post?
Leslie Knope: Yeah, I'm not embarrassed by that.

Quote from Leslie Knope

Leslie Knope: Well, the honeymoon was amazing. We saw the bus stop where a young Barack Obama used to sit and wait for the bus. Theoretically.
Ben: It's possible.
Leslie Knope: Then we went and visited Honolulu City Hall.
April: [mock gasps] Shut up.
Leslie Knope: You know.
April: Oh, my God, what was it like?
Leslie Knope: It was amazing. Well, it looked amazing, but it was closed.
April: Oh, my God, bummer.

Quote from Leslie Knope

Leslie Knope: Okay, I have presents! Um... Chris, we got you an Acai tree because the Acai berry is a superfood.
Chris: And a super gift.
Leslie Knope: Donna, we got you some coffee, because you said, and I quote, "I like my coffee like I like my men. Dark, rich, and full-bodied."
Donna: Yes, indeed.
Leslie Knope: Ann, we got you some very rare Hawaiian fertility tea, guaranteed to help you have a baby.
Ann: That's so nice. Where'd you find that?
Leslie Knope: Well, the busboy at our restaurant told us about a guy who we met in a parking lot, and then he had a backpack full of this stuff, and I'm just realizing now that it's not tea. And I'm gonna throw it away.

Quote from Ben

Ben: Ron, this is the Hawaiian god of anger. It reminded us of you when you're at work.
Ron Swanson: A handsome gentleman.
Leslie Knope: We did not forget Jerry.
Ben: Right, right.
Leslie Knope: We got Jerry some earbuds, and a bag of peanuts, and the Skymall catalog.
Jerry: Same thing you got me from your trip to Washington!
Ben: Tom, we got you an autographed portrait of your personal hero.
Tom: [gasps] No way! Scott Caan from Hawaii Five-0!
Ben: April, as requested, we threw that box you gave us into that volcano.
April: Thank you.
Ben: Andy, as you requested, got you a three-pack of white T-shirts from Target.
Andy: Thank you. All mine are dirty. Thank you, Hawaii.

Quote from Ben

Jessica Wicks: We are so excited to have you working with us here at the all-new Sweetums Foundation. This is your office.
Ben: This is incredible. And look at that art.
Jessica Wicks: Ah, yes. My late husband. He was so decrepit. [laughs]
[aside to camera:]
Ben: I really like helping people. Running the new Sweetums Foundation charity allows me to do that and work in an office with more mahogany wood than currently remains in the Amazon rain forest. So, win-win. Except for the rain forest.

Quote from Leslie Knope

Martin Housely: Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the Pawnee Correspondents' Lunch, where politicians and the media make fun of each other. But, if you ask me, we should be making fun of the food. [as Nixon] "I am not the cook." [laughter]
Leslie Knope: Oh, well, well, well. If it isn't Kim Terlando from the Pawnee Sun. Do you happen to have a can opener? 'Cause I'm about to open this on you.
Kim Terlando: Did you make that can of "whoop ass" for this exact moment?
Leslie Knope: Yeah, I came prepared.
Kim Terlando: I'd expect nothing less. Good luck with your speech.
Leslie Knope: Uh, my speech doesn't need your luck. It needs a Surgeon General's warning because it's so harmful to your health. Oh, look, it has one. [scoffs] That's how ready I am.

Quote from April

Tom: Whoa! Check out the new digs. This place is insane.
Ben: Thanks for coming, guys. I'm super swamped, and I need your help.
April: Pass.
Ben: You came down here to pass on helping me?
April: Yeah, I wanted to see what your face looked like when I said no. It was totally worth it.

Quote from Leslie Knope

Kim Terlando: It's nice to be here among all of these excellent journalists. And also the people that work with me over at the Pawnee Sun. [laughter]
Leslie Knope: Damn it. That was my opener. Now I love working at the Sun, okay? And I know you all think it's just a useless tabloid, but it's not. It is great. For housebreaking puppies. [laughter, ohs]
Leslie Knope: Oh, my God. Those are my jokes. She's stealing my jokes.
Kim Terlando: Some people say that the Sun has a problem with the truth. There's no problem, we just ignore it.
Jerry: [laughs]
Leslie Knope: Jerry, stop laughing. Those are stolen jokes! Totally dead. What am I gonna do? [can top pops] Oh! I just opened up a can of "whoop ass" on myself!

Quote from Leslie Knope

Councilman Milton: I remember the very first Correspondents' Lunch. I rode here in a horse and buggy. [laughter] No, no, no, that wasn't a joke. I actually did. [laughter continues] That also was not a joke.
Leslie Knope: Ron, Kim told all my jokes, all of them. She must have gotten a copy of my speech. Did anybody lose their copy?
Jerry: Oh, jeez.
Leslie Knope: Go stand in the corner and think about what you've done. And no dessert!

Quote from Ann

Leslie Knope: I need new material, and it needs to be great, and it needs to knock people on their butts, and it needs to transcend the genre of roast comedy. Perkins, go.
Ann: Oh, wow. Um, okay, so Councilman Milton is old, right? And he's wearing a green tie. So, like, maybe there's something there, where, like, he went to school with his high-school buddies that were dinosaurs. And his tie is green. They're green. [chuckles]
Leslie Knope: Oh, Ann, you're too beautiful to be funny. It's not your fault. You've never had to compensate for anything. The rest of you ugly nerds need to give me some jokes stat.

Quote from Perd Hapley

Joan Callamezzo: Perd Hapley is here today. Or, as Perd would say, "My name is Perd Hapley, and the person I see here today... is me." [laughter]
Perd Hapley: Everyone seems to be laughing now.

Quote from Leslie Knope

Leslie Knope: Maybe I should just do impressions. "I'm-a Borat." There's one. But I need to do someone that no one has heard before. Like, I don't know, Neve Campbell? What does Neve Campbell sound like?
Donna: [mumbling] I don't know.
Leslie Knope: Someone, [bleep] tell me what Neve Campbell sounds like.

Quote from April

Ben: Okay. Think I have our winner. It's called Rural Ambu-care. They want to buy an ambulance for people who live far away from the hospital.
April: Ambulances are dumb. When has an ambulance ever helped anyone?

Quote from Perd Hapley

Ann: Christopher. "Chris-toe-fur." It's like you have furry toes.
Chris: [guffaws] Hilarious.
Ann: I have a question... for you. It's something very important. Which is... What is your... Spirit animal?
Chris: Jaguar. Why do you ask?
Ann: Doin' a survey. Well, survey completed. So take 'er easy.
Perd Hapley: Uh, you didn't ask me. But if you had, the answer I would have given is... Doggie.

Quote from Perd Hapley

Ron Swanson: Chris, Ann wants to ask you something right now. Go, Ann.
Ann: In front of Perd?
Ron Swanson: Yes. No more delays. Go.
Ann: I want to have a baby. Will you be the sperm donor?
Perd Hapley: The story of this situation is it's extremely personal.
Ann: Think it over. Bye.

Quote from Chris

Leslie Knope: Well, the police said they're gonna launch an investigation to see whether or not I was hacked. But it's very complicated, and it could take up to a month.
Chris: There is nothing more disgusting than an invasion of privacy. And I should know. I've had many women steal my undershirts.

Quote from Leslie Knope

Ron Swanson: Who is Todo Toadfoot? You wrote him an email about riding your dragons to Pelennor Fields and signed it "Dimple Broadbelt of Buckland."
Leslie Knope: Yes, that's Ben and my fantasy Lord Of The Rings pen pal letters. I am a little embarrassed by that.

Quote from Donna

Leslie Knope: First, I'd like you all to check under your chairs. I think you might be surprised and excited by what you find.
Shauna Malwae-Tweep: Is it chocolate?
Leslie Knope: Even better. It's dirt. The EPA has recently reviewed our soil samples, and they determined that we achieved, and I quote, "Minimal acceptable standards." So... not too shabby.
Kim Terlando: Uh, Councilwoman Knope, you've claimed construction will take 18 months, but a source tells me it will be much longer.
Leslie Knope: I would-- I would deny that report.
Kim Terlando: I've also learned that the EPA found midi-chlorians in the soil. How serious is that, exactly?
Leslie Knope: It's very serious, Kim. It's almost as serious as email hacking, which is what you have been doing to me for weeks. [gasps; silence] I really thought you guys would gasp there.
Kim Terlando: That is a baseless accusation.
Leslie Knope: Midi-chlorians are a fictional substance found in the blood of Jedi knights from the movie Star Wars Episode 1: The Phantom Menace. Which, side-note, was a terrible movie. It almost destroyed the franchise, according to my husband. But that is neither here nor there.
Donna: The point is I sent Councilwoman Knope the fake email about the EPA finding midi-chlorians, an hour ago... As a trap. Into which you have fallen.
Kim Terlando: Well... I have never seen Star Wars, because I was too busy hooking up with guys. Unlike you losers.
Donna: [guffaws] Uh, you wanna compare numbers, Terlando? Get to steppin'.


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