Andy: Margaret's pecan squares. They are like crack. I brought you one.
Tom: How are you so happy working here?
Andy: I don't know, man. It's not that bad. A year ago I lived in a pit. Now I got a job, and a kickass wife, and my band is so good, and are you gonna eat that pecan square? When life gives you lemons, make lemonade. I read that once on a can of lemonade, but I like to think that it applies to life.

Chris: [to Jerry] You are an intelligent, charismatic, beautiful superhero. I'm making you head of Public Relations, which means you'll be leading the daily briefing sessions.
Ron Swanson: Excellent idea.
[aside to camera:]
Ron Swanson: This is my favorite part about having a new city manager. They always try to shake things up, and their ideas are terrible, and it brings City Hall to a grinding halt. I just grab a few donuts, sit back, and enjoy the show.

Ron Swanson: I got a second box of donuts, if anybody... What the [bleep] is this?
Chris: This, Mr. Director, is your new desk.
Ron Swanson: Okay...
Chris: This desk is the epitome of the Swedish concept of Jamstalldhet, or "equality." Imagine someone needs your attention. Somebody say my name.
Jerry: Chris.
Chris: Swivel! What is it, Jerry?
Jerry: You told me to say your name.
Chris: And you did a great job, superstar. Someone else say something.
April: You look like a freak.
Chris: Swivel! April, that is not a very good attitude. I will keep my eye on you from my circular desk where I can see everything. Tiny swivel. See how it works?

Chris: Ron Swanson.
Ron Swanson: Chris. You have come up with a plan so spectacularly horrible that it might ruin the entire department.
Chris: Now, wait a minute.
Ron Swanson: No, I mean that as a compliment. So it pains me to say this... My department has to go back to the way it was.
Chris: Give 'em time. They'll adjust.
Ron Swanson: No, they won't. They're miserable. Tom only performs when there's someone to impress, so marooning him on freak island isn't helping anyone. And you made April assistant to everyone? You know who April hates? Everyone. And Jerry can only function if no one's looking. You shine a light on him, and he shrinks up faster than an Eskimo's scrotum.
Chris: Well, that's very perceptive, Ron. And... very graphic. I understand your point, but there's no way that I get just rolled-over on this.
Ron Swanson: [groans] Okay. You won't ever hear me say this again, so savor this moment. I may have a compromise.

Tom: [aside to camera] I don't want lemonade. It's too sweet and it makes my tongue feel gritty. So maybe it's time for a change. Starting now, when life gives me lemons, I'm gonna slice 'em up into wedges and throw 'em into vodka tonics. Which I will then sip in a burlesque nightclub that I own with actor Taye Diggs and two of the Pussycat Dolls.

Gretel: Excuse me. [Ron starts swiveling in his chair] There's a sign at Ramsett Park that says "Do not drink the sprinkler water," so I made sun tea with it, and now I have an infection. Sir? Sir, are... are... are... are you listening to me, sir? Sir, I'm talking to you! Sir! Sir, are you aware that there is waste in your water system?

Chris: Tom, I just wanna say that you are a wonderful employee and a terrific human being.
Tom: Meeting adjourned!
Chris: [laughing] Tom. I enjoy you. You know what else I enjoy? Your entrepreneurial spirit.
Tom: I did recently sell my Chronicles of Riddick DVD on eBay for $10. Used the profits to buy the Blu-Ray.

Chris: What did you wanna talk to me about?
Tom: Look, Chris, I'm very flattered you thought of me for this amazing opportunity, but I don't really know if this gig is in my wheelhouse. I tend to work best with young, attractive people.
Chris: Tom, I have made you a project leader. This is a big deal! You should keep an open mind. Let your brain unlock the door to your heart's future. I made that expression up when I was 14. Still in use today. By me. Gotta jam.

Leslie Knope: Hey, ladies and gentlemen, for the first time ever in her new part-time job in the Public Health Department at City Hall, it's Ann Meredith Perkins! Yay!
Ann: Oh, Leslie, this is so nice!
April: I put a poisonous gas in one of these balloons, so if any of them pops, you may die.
Andy: No, April, we would all die. Gases fill the volume of whatever container they're in. School.
Leslie Knope: We have activities every hour on your first day. 10:00 A.M., Ann's first day waffle explosion. 11:00 A.M., the start-paperwork jamboree. And then 12:00 noon sharp is the inaugural d-Ann-ce party.
Tom: Welcome to City Hall, cupcake!
Ann: How many of you are in here?
Leslie Knope: There are seven. And you have an office mate. His name is Stuart, and he's kind of a grouch.
Ann: I have an office mate?
Stuart: Get these [bleep] balloons out of here.
Ann: Hi. I'm Ann.

Leslie Knope: [aside to camera] The best part of any relationship is the beginning. No problems, no fights. Just white wine, cuddling, and crazy amounts of History Channel documentaries.