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‘Ron and Diane’ Quotes

Parks and Recreation: Ron and Diane

509. Ron and Diane

Aired December 6, 2012

When Ron is nominated for a woodworking award, Leslie and Diane join him at the ceremony. Meanwhile, Tom, Donna, April and Andy go out for their annual "Jerry Dinner", unaware that Jerry and his wife (guest star Christie Brinkley) are hosting a Christmas party at his house.

Quote from Ron Swanson

Ron Swanson: [aside to camera] Recently, I made a chair. When I was finished, I thought it was a good chair. I submitted it to the Indiana Fine Woodworking Association, who felt it merited consideration for an award. [chuckles] It's been a real whirlwind.

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Quote from Ron Swanson

Ron Swanson: Where's Diane? I need her.
Leslie Knope: She left.
Ron Swanson: Of course. Tammy ruins everything.
Leslie Knope: No, she left because of me. She's threatened by our relationship.
Ron Swanson: [laughs] That's ridiculous. I don't think of you romantically. You're pro-government, you never stop talking, and you have blonde hair. You're my worst nightmare.

Quote from Leslie Knope

Leslie Knope: Merry Congratu-Christmas!
Ron Swanson: What?
Leslie Knope: Half "Merry Christmas," half "Congratulations," because I just received some news.You, Ron Swanson, have been nominated for an award from the Indiana Fine Woodworking Association.
Ron Swanson: How did you hear about that?
Leslie Knope: I've had a "Ron Swanson" Google alert for seven years and it finally paid off.

Quote from April

Ann: This is a lovely party thrown by a lovely man and his lovely family. There's no place for meanies.
April: Aw, forget it, I'm coming in. Ow! Get off me.
Ann: Wait. [laughs] You're so weak, really? [April groans] I mean, I'm barely even doing anything. Are you iron-deficient? Let me look at your palm.
April: Ow. It's because of your man strength, Man Perkins.

Quote from Andy

Donna: How about the new sushi place in Eagleton?
Andy: I'm allergic to sushi. Every time I eat more than 80 sushis, I barf.

Quote from Chris

Ben: Wow. The Gergiches really go all out. This is incredible.
Chris: Mmm! This is literally the best non-fat eggnog I've ever had.
Ben: Remain calm, but I think you just drank some of the regular, full-fat eggnog. Chris, one cup won't kill you.
Chris: No, but it will add exactly 440 calories. But you know what? I'm fine. You only live once. Mmm! I don't know if you know this, but things with fat in them taste way better than things with no fat.
Ben: Yeah, Chris, everybody knows that.

Quote from Tom

Tom: Let us in, Ann. It's cold outside, and I can't wear mittens 'cause they're unflattering to my hands.

Quote from Donna

Ann: Sorry, guys. This is your penance. You can come in if you do something nice for Jerry.
Donna: Hey, I already did something nice for Jerry. I drove here to take him to Jerry Dinner.
Ann: Oh, Donna. You can come in.
Donna: Okay.
Andy: What? What about us?
April: What? Donna!
Donna: Merry critches, bitches!

Quote from Leslie Knope

Leslie Knope: [to Diane] So tell me everything about yourself: Your kids, your hobbies. What are your five biggest hopes, dreams, fears, and regrets?

Quote from Leslie Knope

Ron Swanson: I have to confess, I'm very honored by this nomination.
Leslie Knope: Right?
Ron Swanson: This might be the first time I've ever wanted to attend an event.
Leslie Knope: Oh, my God, I love events! I can't wait to go tonight.
Ron Swanson: Why are you going?
Leslie Knope: As your self-appointed emotional guardian, it is my duty to love and support you. Plus, you know, this is a big deal. You shouldn't be there alone.
Ron Swanson: That's correct. I'm bringing Diane. Things are going very well with us.
Leslie Knope: Even better. I am very excited to meet Diane.
Ron Swanson: You're not taking "no" for an answer, are you?
Leslie Knope: Oh, I forgot to sing you my merry Congratu-Christmas carol. [sings] Jingle bells, jingle yay, jingle good for you
Ron Swanson: Get out.
Leslie Knope: Yup.

Quote from Tom

Tom: Hey, Ann, you been to any swanky restaurants lately?
Ann: What's the occasion?
Tom: It's December. It's the time we celebrate our most sacred and special event... ♪ Jerry Dinner ♪
Donna: ♪ Jerry Dinner ♪
April: ♪ Jerry Dinner ♪
Andy: ♪ Jerry Dinner ♪
Ann: What the hell is Jerry Dinner?
[aside to camera:]
Tom: Every time we laugh at something stupid Jerry does, we put a dollar in this box. At the end of the year, we take all the cash and treat ourselves to a fancy dinner. This year, we have... $516. [cup spilling] Aw, jeez! And that's 517. [Jerry gasps] 518.

Quote from Leslie Knope

Ron Swanson: Welcome to the Indiana Fine Woodworking Awards, or as I like to call it, heaven.
Leslie Knope: Ron.
Ron Swanson: Ah! Leslie, may I present Diane Lewis? Diane, this is Leslie Knope.
Leslie Knope: Diane, wow. Ron has told me so much about you, in that he has told me your name is Diane, and you exist.
Diane Lewis: [laughs] Oh, yeah. He's not a big sharer. I don't even know what his middle name is.
Leslie Knope: Oh, it's Ulysses.
Diane Lewis: I can see why he didn't tell me that. [laughs]

Quote from Ron Swanson

Ron Swanson: Mary, mother of God. [giggles] That's Christian Becksvoort! He's the modern master of the Shaker style. I never dreamed that I would see him in the flesh. [laughs]
Diane Lewis: Go over and say hello.
Ron Swanson: No, I'm sure he gets swamped with attention all the time. Ooh, if you ladies will excuse me, there is a jack plane that needs my attention.
Diane Lewis: Go on then.

Quote from Andy

Andy: Hey, if we're going that way, can we stop at our place real quick? 'Cause I forgot to put on deodorant. And a jacket and one of my socks. Plus, I gotta poop, but I could stop anywhere for that.

Quote from Leslie Knope

Ron Swanson: Diane, that's my chair, right there.
Diane Lewis: It's beautiful, Ron. Yours is the winner.
Ron Swanson: I'm not sure I stand a chance.
Diane Lewis: Hey, you most certainly do. They'd be crazy not to vote for you.
Leslie Knope: Which one is Ron's?
Diane Lewis: I don't know. [laughs]
[aside to camera:]
Leslie Knope: Smart, funny, independent, and sexy? Diane Lewis? More like Diane Sawyer.

Quote from Leslie Knope

Leslie Knope: Ron, guess why my thumbs are up.
Ron Swanson: No.
Leslie Knope: Because I'm giving you my 100% approval about Diane. She is perfect for you. She gets you. She is at the bar right now ordering a Lagavulin, neat for you. I mean, she's even putting up with all this stupid, boring woodworking stuff. I'm sorry, but, you know, it's not the Super Bowl, guys. Let's take it down a notch. Anyway, you have my approval.
Ron Swanson: I don't need your approval.
Leslie Knope: But you have it.
Ron Swanson: Don't need it.
Leslie Knope: But you got it.

Quote from Tammy Two

Leslie Knope: [aside to camera] This could end up being the best night in Ron Swanson's life. I am so, so happy for him--
Tammy Two: Hello, you gorgeous craftsmen. Wow, look at this room. So much wood, ready to be worked.
Leslie Knope: [bleep] me!

Quote from Tammy Two

Leslie Knope: [humming] Alert... alert, alert, alert.
Ron Swanson: She's here, isn't she?
Tammy Two: Oh, hey, Ron. What a coincidence. Gosh, I never dreamed you'd be here.
Ron Swanson: Tammy, this is Diane. Diane, this is a piece of human garbage named Tammy, who is also my ex-wife.
Tammy Two: Twice ex-wife. We were married twice.
Leslie Knope: And divorced twice. Everything is done. They are totally done.

Quote from Tammy Two

Leslie Knope: Tammy, what are you doing here?
Tammy Two: Oh, I just have a little something I need to get drilled.
Leslie Knope: Can I speak with you for a moment? Everything's fine, we're just gonna chat. Shouldn't you be at the library, forcing people to borrow books?
Tammy Two: Leslie, you and I both know that the library closes at 3:00 p.m.
Leslie Knope: Of course it does.
Tammy Two: Besides, I like to keep tabs on Ron.
Leslie Knope: So you can ruin his life?
Tammy Two: So I can have fun with him, and sometimes ruining his life can be a part of that, sure.

Quote from Leslie Knope

Leslie Knope: [aside to camera] This may be the hardest challenge yet for Leslie Knope, emotional guardian. I need to protect a sweet couple from a sex-crazed demon librarian who makes me question my stance on using the "B" word. I don't know, maybe just this once. No, Leslie, fight it. Fight it.

Quote from Donna

April: It looks warm in there! Warm and happy.
Donna: Mm, look at that gingerbread man.
Tom: What? I don't see any gingerbread cookies.
Donna: I'm talking about that jacked-up, light-skinned dude. Look like Blake Griffin.

Quote from April

Andy: You guys! There's a buffet in the house! I didn't even know you could do that!
Tom: We need to crash this party. [knocking at window] Ann, let us in. Let's go.
Ann: Well, well, well. You want to come into Jerry's party? And why is that?
April: I need a place to deliver this baby, Ann. It's coming out of me right now. I'm pregnant. [breathes rhythmically]

Quote from Andy

Andy: Oh, well, whatever. It's Jerry's party. How cool could it be? [gasps] Santa! They have a Santa!

Quote from Tom

Tom: Why does everyone act like Jerry's the victim here? He's the one that didn't invite us to his Christmas party. [gasps] Jerry Filter!
April: Jerry Filter!
Andy: Who's Jerry Filter?
[aside to camera:]
Tom: Unsurprisingly, Jerry sends a lot of annoying emails. So a while ago, I put a filter on all our accounts. Everything from Jerry goes directly to spam. A-a-and... Here's our invitation.
April: There's three years of nice messages on here. "Congratulations on your wedding. I'm rooting for you kids. Jerry."
Tom: "Hope you have the best birthday, Tom."
Andy: I just tied my high score in Snake.

Quote from Ron Swanson

Ron Swanson: This award is the only one I'd ever give a damn about. I made my first chair when I was five, but the quality of the wood was wanting, so when I turned nine, I used my factory wages to purchase some beautiful local walnut. [Tammy Two does a Basic Instinct] Uh, thank you... for this... Uh, this all good-- night good. Uh... There it is. [hesitant applause]

Quote from Ron Swanson

Leslie Knope: Excuse me, one man's "worst nightmare" is every other man's "total package." But the point is, I don't think it's about dating. I kind of see where Diane is coming from. We are close friends, and I'm very involved in your life.
Ron Swanson: I wouldn't say we're close.
Leslie Knope: By Swanson standards, we're close. I know when your birthday is.
Ron Swanson: So does Baskin-Robbins.
Leslie Knope: I know that you secretly love artichokes and plums.
Ron Swanson: Keep your voice down, woman!

Quote from Ron Swanson

Diane Lewis: She just knows you so well, and I was starting to wonder if I was ever gonna get to that point. I'm worried that maybe there isn't room in your life for another woman.
Ron Swanson: At this very moment, Leslie is throwing herself in front of a freight train named Tammy for me and you. Leslie is a wonderful, loyal friend, who is very important in my life, but I would sooner visit Europe than have something romantic happen between us. Although, if you'd like to visit Europe, I like you so much, I'd be willing to risk it.
Diane Lewis: But not France, right?
Ron Swanson: God, no. See? You know me pretty well already, but you're about to get to know me even better. I brought you here because I want to show you something that almost no one knows about. Certainly not Tammy, and not even Leslie Knope.
Emcee: Ladies and gentleman, and especially the ladies, put your hands together for the one, the only, my man, Mr. Duke Silver. [cheers and applause]
Ron Swanson: A mighty fine holiday evening to you all. It might be cold outside, but it's about to get warm all up in my jazz. I, of course, am Duke Silver, and I would like to dedicate this first song... to my duchess. [Jazzy version of "Hark! The Herald Angels Sing" plays]
Woman #1: You're so lucky.
Woman #2: I'm going to kill you.


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