Ron Swanson: [aside to camera] Recently, I made a chair. When I was finished, I thought it was a good chair. I submitted it to the Indiana Fine Woodworking Association, who felt it merited consideration for an award. [chuckles] It's been a real whirlwind.

Ron Swanson: Where's Diane? I need her.
Leslie Knope: She left.
Ron Swanson: Of course. Tammy ruins everything.
Leslie Knope: No, she left because of me. She's threatened by our relationship.
Ron Swanson: [laughs] That's ridiculous. I don't think of you romantically. You're pro-government, you never stop talking, and you have blonde hair. You're my worst nightmare.

Ann: This is a lovely party thrown by a lovely man and his lovely family. There's no place for meanies.
April: Aw, forget it, I'm coming in. Ow! Get off me.
Ann: Wait. [laughs] You're so weak, really? [April groans] I mean, I'm barely even doing anything. Are you iron-deficient? Let me look at your palm.
April: Ow. It's because of your man strength, Man Perkins.

Leslie Knope: Merry Congratu-Christmas!
Ron Swanson: What?
Leslie Knope: Half "Merry Christmas," half "Congratulations," because I just received some news.You, Ron Swanson, have been nominated for an award from the Indiana Fine Woodworking Association.
Ron Swanson: How did you hear about that?
Leslie Knope: I've had a "Ron Swanson" Google alert for seven years and it finally paid off.

Leslie Knope: Tammy, what are you doing here?
Tammy Two: Oh, I just have a little something I need to get drilled.
Leslie Knope: Can I speak with you for a moment? Everything's fine, we're just gonna chat. Shouldn't you be at the library, forcing people to borrow books?
Tammy Two: Leslie, you and I both know that the library closes at 3:00 p.m.
Leslie Knope: Of course it does.
Tammy Two: Besides, I like to keep tabs on Ron.
Leslie Knope: So you can ruin his life?
Tammy Two: So I can have fun with him, and sometimes ruining his life can be a part of that, sure.

Donna: How about the new sushi place in Eagleton?
Andy: I'm allergic to sushi. Every time I eat more than 80 sushis, I barf.

Ben: Wow. The Gergiches really go all out. This is incredible.
Chris: Mmm! This is literally the best non-fat eggnog I've ever had.
Ben: Remain calm, but I think you just drank some of the regular, full-fat eggnog. Chris, one cup won't kill you.
Chris: No, but it will add exactly 440 calories. But you know what? I'm fine. You only live once. Mmm! I don't know if you know this, but things with fat in them taste way better than things with no fat.
Ben: Yeah, Chris, everybody knows that.

Tom: Let us in, Ann. It's cold outside, and I can't wear mittens 'cause they're unflattering to my hands.

Ann: Sorry, guys. This is your penance. You can come in if you do something nice for Jerry.
Donna: Hey, I already did something nice for Jerry. I drove here to take him to Jerry Dinner.
Ann: Oh, Donna. You can come in.
Donna: Okay.
Andy: What? What about us?
April: What? Donna!
Donna: Merry critches, bitches!

Ron Swanson: I have to confess, I'm very honored by this nomination.
Leslie Knope: Right?
Ron Swanson: This might be the first time I've ever wanted to attend an event.
Leslie Knope: Oh, my God, I love events! I can't wait to go tonight.
Ron Swanson: Why are you going?
Leslie Knope: As your self-appointed emotional guardian, it is my duty to love and support you. Plus, you know, this is a big deal. You shouldn't be there alone.
Ron Swanson: That's correct. I'm bringing Diane. Things are going very well with us.
Leslie Knope: Even better. I am very excited to meet Diane.
Ron Swanson: You're not taking "no" for an answer, are you?
Leslie Knope: Oh, I forgot to sing you my merry Congratu-Christmas carol. [sings] Jingle bells, jingle yay, jingle good for you
Ron Swanson: Get out.
Leslie Knope: Yup.