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‘Summer Catalog’ Quotes

Parks and Recreation: Summer Catalog

220. Summer Catalog

Aired March 25, 2010

Leslie gathers Ron and three former Parks Directors together for a picnic lunch as she prepares to write a welcome letter for the Parks Department's summer catalog. Meanwhile, Tom enlists Mark and Ann to shoot a cover photo.

Quote from Tom

Tom: What are we trying to do with this catalog? We're trying to sell Pawnee on our summer classes. How do we do that? With one perfect, captivating image. April. Modern life. Where are we running? Sometimes what we want is not always where we are. Next slide. Are we alone? Is the real winter inside our hearts? We're all struggling for definition in a world that resists our inquiries.
Leslie Knope: Okay, this isn't gonna work for a number of reasons. One, this is a summer catalog. Two, that was complete gibberish. And three, that child looks like it's abandoned, so basically, boo.

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Quote from Leslie Knope

Leslie Knope: [aside to camera] Okay, I'll tell you. We're putting together the Parks Department summer catalog, and the big surprise is I am going to reunite all the living, former Parks Directors at a picnic, record the whole thing, and then write about it in the welcome letter. It's the biggest catalog of the year. Think of the September issue of Vogue, but it's more important to Pawnee. Mainly because we don't get Vogue here.

Quote from Tom

Tom: [aside to camera] This catalog is basically like an ad for the parks department, and I love ads. I love magazine ads for flavored vodkas, billboards for designer jeans. I TiVo through shows to get to the ads. I love ads.

Quote from Tom

Tom: I think we got the boring, cliched shot that Leslie wanted.
Mark: That's it? We're done?
Tom: Not even close. Now the real art begins.
[aside to camera:]
Tom: Step one, nail this photo shoot with an amazing, iconic image. Step two, book some outside gigs. Step three, have sex with a model. Step four, step in front of the camera, become a model.

Quote from Leslie Knope

Leslie Knope: Oh, why would anybody ever eat anything besides breakfast food?
Ron Swanson: People are idiots, Leslie.

Quote from Tom

Ron Swanson: Good morning.
Tom: Whoo! Swiss family Ron-binson- that hat is dope.
Ron Swanson: Thanks, Tom.
Tom: You mind if I rock that Bad Larry on my dome? Wear it, on my head? Try it on the ladies?
Ron Swanson: Be my guest.
[montage:]
Tom: Hi. I'm Tom. I have a raccoon on my head.
Tom: Uh... Excuse me, my friend over here was digging through your trash, and I think we may have a lot in common. I'm Tom. Would you like to see a movie sometime?
Tom: Are you a raccoon? Because you've been running around my hat all da- Head all day.

Quote from Donna

Tom: Girl, you're more precious than precious.
Donna: Uh-uh.
Tom: Nice hat. Want to bone? That's you talking to me.
Donna: No. How about... "Yes, I am a hunter, and it's you season"?
Tom: Whoa! That's great. I got to get back out there.

Quote from Tom

[montage:]
Tom: You know what they say-- Animal on the head, Manimal in the bed.
Tom: Damn, girl, your hotness killed my raccoon.
Tom: I have a raccoon hat. I'm an interesting person. Hello.

Quote from Ron Swanson

Leslie Knope: Hey, Ron, I have a surprise for you. Meet me at Harvey James park at 11:30.
Ron Swanson: Why?
Leslie Knope: It's a surprise.
Ron Swanson: What's the surprise?
Leslie Knope: If I told you, it would ruin the surprise.
Ron Swanson: What's the surprise it would ruin?
Leslie Knope: I cannot tell you that.
Ron Swanson: Leslie, my first wife, Tammy, tried throwing me a surprise birthday party. When I saw my friends hiding through the window, I drove to a gas station, called the cops, and told them people had broken into my home. Not big on surprises.

Quote from Tom

Leslie Knope: I'm gonna move this yearning ad to the centerfold.
Tom: Centerfold? Always the best part. Am I right, Justin? Damn. You broke up six weeks ago.

Quote from April

Leslie Knope: Guys, I don't know if I made it clear, but I don't want any sex offenders in our parks catalog.
Jerry: Okay, I will Photoshop his face.
April: Can you Photoshop your life with better decisions, Jerry?

Quote from Tom

Tom: Next slide. Oh, God. Weird. How did that...? Um, that's a personal photo. That's-- Shouldn't be-- It must've... You know, I got to say, I think that could actually work as our cover photo. I'm cool with it if you guys are. It's a high-res photo.
Leslie Knope: I don't know if I have time for this, guys, so let's just pick a good photo, okay?
Tom: What do you want, Leslie? A picture of parents pushing a kid on a swing?
Leslie Knope: Yeah, exactly. Get me that.
Leslie Knope: Okay, I got to go.
Tom: What is he thinking?
April: "Why is my cup so tiny?"

Quote from Leslie Knope

Leslie Knope: [aside to camera] I love parks. I don't know if that's something I've communicated before. So having a picnic with all the former, living parks department directors... Guess who just checked something off her bucket list.

Quote from Ron Swanson

Leslie Knope: Look, what was going on back there? Why all the sniping?
Ron Swanson: I'm not exactly sure. The only one I know is Michael, and we're not exactly best friends. I'm hungry.
Leslie Knope: Okay, well, don't be such a baby. I cooked you some bacon for a trail snack.
Ron Swanson: I ate it already.
Leslie Knope: What?
Ron Swanson: I could smell it in your purse before I even parked my car. And now it's gone, and I hate everything.

Quote from Leslie Knope

Leslie Knope: Okay, Clarence, um, why don't you describe the first summer Pawnee catalog?
Clarence Carrington: Oh, I remember. That first year, we offered four classes. I actually taught homemaking. Women were not allowed to teach back then.
Leslie Knope: Really? I thought there were female teachers way before then.
Clarence Carrington: Not my department.
Leslie Knope: Well, times have changed. I'm-- I'm deputy director now, but I'm hoping someday to be the first female director of the department.
Clarence Carrington: Oh, I don't think that's a good idea. Women, uh, need a lot of blood to- to flow through to- to their baby centerss, which leaves less to the brain, you see.
Leslie Knope: Yep. Mm-hmm. Sure.
Clarence Carrington: I'd stay away from leadership roles, uh, for your own safety. [pats Leslie's head]

Quote from Andy

Andy: Hey, maybe I should write a song about a picnic.
April: Ooh, where'd you come up with that idea?
Andy: The picnic we're having. I already have the perfect title. "Life is a Picnic."
April: That's good. How about "Life is a Picnic...With You"?
Andy: Whoa. Then it could be about a girl... Or Peyton Manning.

Quote from Tom

Tom: Mark, that's great. Bobby, great. Ann, you look miserable! Terrible, terrible! Come on, Ann, what are we doing? Maxim or Good Housekeeping?
Ann: I'm not sure which one is the insult.
[aside to camera:]
Tom: Hey, if there's anyone out there that's doing a photo shoot about the dangers of eating undercooked chicken, I can give you Ann's phone number.

Quote from Ron Swanson

Leslie Knope: I was hoping that maybe you could talk to me a little bit about how the department has changed since you ran it.
Michael Tansley: Well, I think you've done a wonderful job maintaining the parks.
Leslie Knope: Thank you, Michael. I appreciate that. Did you enjoy your turn at the helm?
Michael Tansley: Oh, in a way. Um, pencil-pushing wasn't really my thing, but I did love the parks themselves. That was the best part of the job.
Leslie Knope: Oh, isn't it? I totally agree. Well, thank goodness for you. [laughs]
Ron Swanson: Yes, thank goodness for Michael. Are you still on parole, by the way?
Leslie Knope: Oh, ha ha, very funny, Ron.
Michael Tansley: Y-y-yes, Ron, I am.
Leslie Knope: What?
Ron Swanson: He smoked pot in the office and in all the parks constantly.
Michael Tansley: In fairness to me, it was a different time. It was the early '90s, but also it's ridiculous that marijuana is illegal. Thomas Jefferson grew hemp. Alcohol is legal, but pot isn't? [scoffs] That makes sense to you, Ron?
Ron Swanson: I'm sorry. I can't hear hippies.

Quote from Ron Swanson

Clarence Carrington: Anybody got any water?
David Moser: [mockingly] "Oh, I want water. I'm so old. I need to drink water. "
Michael Tansley: Oh, stop it. Stop taunting him.
Clarence Carrington: I don't need your help, jailbird.
Ron Swanson: If there's any unclaimed meat or cheese, I would like to claim it.
Michael Tansley: Yeah, like you claimed my job?
Ron Swanson: Yes, exactly like that, In that I wanted it, and then I took it.

Quote from April

Leslie Knope: Do you have that picture that Andy took? Maybe I'll run it without any text.
April: Yeah. I tried to Photoshop it to make it look like they were happy. It was really hard. Their mouths are just so old.
Leslie Knope: God, look at these horrible men. You know, I don't even know if I want them in my catalog.
April: Would you like... these men in your catalog?
Leslie Knope: Oh, my god, April. That's disgusting.
April: What? Look how generous they're being with each other.

Quote from Leslie Knope

Leslie Knope: [groans] Ron. That sucked today. I'm sorry. There's no other way to say it.
Ron Swanson: They're a bunch of career bureaucrats. What did you think they were gonna say to you?
Leslie Knope: "Leslie, you are the next link in a wonderful chain that stretches back to when our town was founded. and we believe in you, and we support you, and we'll be following your career. You are the chosen one." Or something.
Ron Swanson: Well, okay, so that was the problem.

Quote from Ron Swanson

Leslie Knope: No, you know what the worst part is, is I want to be Parks Director, but every single person who was Parks Director hated their job and hated everyone they worked with. [sighs] Are we gonna hate each other someday?
Ron Swanson: I don't think so.
Leslie Knope: Huh.
Ron Swanson: I think we're gonna be fine.
Leslie Knope: Anyway, the point's moot, because you're Park Director now, and you're not going anywhere, and I'm not making you go anywhere. I'm not gonna stab you in the back or anything, so... Maybe I should go somewhere. Maybe I should move to Eagleton. Oh, god, the thought of that.
Ron Swanson: Leslie, you don't have to move to Eagleton. When I become city manager, my job is yours.
[aside to camera:]
Ron Swanson: Of course, my first act as city manager will be to propose eliminating the Parks Department, although I expect a spirited debate with Leslie.

Quote from Leslie Knope

Leslie Knope: [aside to camera] Who knows what the future holds for me? Maybe I'll leapfrog Ron's job and become city manager. Of course, my first act as city manager would be to double the size of the parks department, although I do expect a fight from Ron. But I'll win.

Quote from Leslie Knope

Leslie Knope: [aside to camera] "My fellow Pawneeans, yes, it's here. The Parks Department's Summer Catalog has arrived. And for the first time in 20 years, tennis is back. Peruse this wondrous book at your leisure and take advantage of everything this great town has to offer. Time is fleeting, my fellow Pawneeans. Make the most of it while you can. I recently had the honor of spending an afternoon with every living, former parks director, and they taught me a valuable lesson. There's nothing more important than friendship."
Ron Swanson: It's a little flowery.
Leslie Knope: Shut up.


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