Tom: What are we trying to do with this catalog? We're trying to sell Pawnee on our summer classes. How do we do that? With one perfect, captivating image. April. Modern life. Where are we running? Sometimes what we want is not always where we are. Next slide. Are we alone? Is the real winter inside our hearts? We're all struggling for definition in a world that resists our inquiries.
Leslie Knope: Okay, this isn't gonna work for a number of reasons. One, this is a summer catalog. Two, that was complete gibberish. And three, that child looks like it's abandoned, so basically, boo.

Leslie Knope: [aside to camera] Okay, I'll tell you. We're putting together the Parks Department summer catalog, and the big surprise is I am going to reunite all the living, former Parks Directors at a picnic, record the whole thing, and then write about it in the welcome letter. It's the biggest catalog of the year. Think of the September issue of Vogue, but it's more important to Pawnee. Mainly because we don't get Vogue here.

Tom: [aside to camera] This catalog is basically like an ad for the parks department, and I love ads. I love magazine ads for flavored vodkas, billboards for designer jeans. I TiVo through shows to get to the ads. I love ads.

Tom: I think we got the boring, cliched shot that Leslie wanted.
Mark: That's it? We're done?
Tom: Not even close. Now the real art begins.
[aside to camera:]
Tom: Step one, nail this photo shoot with an amazing, iconic image. Step two, book some outside gigs. Step three, have sex with a model. Step four, step in front of the camera, become a model.

Leslie Knope: Oh, why would anybody ever eat anything besides breakfast food?
Ron Swanson: People are idiots, Leslie.

Leslie Knope: Hey, Ron, I have a surprise for you. Meet me at Harvey James park at 11:30.
Ron Swanson: Why?
Leslie Knope: It's a surprise.
Ron Swanson: What's the surprise?
Leslie Knope: If I told you, it would ruin the surprise.
Ron Swanson: What's the surprise it would ruin?
Leslie Knope: I cannot tell you that.
Ron Swanson: Leslie, my first wife, Tammy, tried throwing me a surprise birthday party. When I saw my friends hiding through the window, I drove to a gas station, called the cops, and told them people had broken into my home. Not big on surprises.

Leslie Knope: Guys, I don't know if I made it clear, but I don't want any sex offenders in our parks catalog.
Jerry: Okay, I will Photoshop his face.
April: Can you Photoshop your life with better decisions, Jerry?

Leslie Knope: Look, what was going on back there? Why all the sniping?
Ron Swanson: I'm not exactly sure. The only one I know is Michael, and we're not exactly best friends. I'm hungry.
Leslie Knope: Okay, well, don't be such a baby. I cooked you some bacon for a trail snack.
Ron Swanson: I ate it already.
Leslie Knope: What?
Ron Swanson: I could smell it in your purse before I even parked my car. And now it's gone, and I hate everything.

Leslie Knope: I was hoping that maybe you could talk to me a little bit about how the department has changed since you ran it.
Michael Tansley: Well, I think you've done a wonderful job maintaining the parks.
Leslie Knope: Thank you, Michael. I appreciate that. Did you enjoy your turn at the helm?
Michael Tansley: Oh, in a way. Um, pencil-pushing wasn't really my thing, but I did love the parks themselves. That was the best part of the job.
Leslie Knope: Oh, isn't it? I totally agree. Well, thank goodness for you. [laughs]
Ron Swanson: Yes, thank goodness for Michael. Are you still on parole, by the way?
Leslie Knope: Oh, ha ha, very funny, Ron.
Michael Tansley: Y-y-yes, Ron, I am.
Leslie Knope: What?
Ron Swanson: He smoked pot in the office and in all the parks constantly.
Michael Tansley: In fairness to me, it was a different time. It was the early '90s, but also it's ridiculous that marijuana is illegal. Thomas Jefferson grew hemp. Alcohol is legal, but pot isn't? [scoffs] That makes sense to you, Ron?
Ron Swanson: I'm sorry. I can't hear hippies.

Clarence Carrington: Anybody got any water?
David Moser: [mockingly] "Oh, I want water. I'm so old. I need to drink water. "
Michael Tansley: Oh, stop it. Stop taunting him.
Clarence Carrington: I don't need your help, jailbird.
Ron Swanson: If there's any unclaimed meat or cheese, I would like to claim it.
Michael Tansley: Yeah, like you claimed my job?
Ron Swanson: Yes, exactly like that, In that I wanted it, and then I took it.