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‘Beauty Pageant’ Quotes

Parks and Recreation: Beauty Pageant

203. Beauty Pageant

Aired October 1, 2009

Leslie and Tom judge a local beauty pageant, which April enters in the hopes of winning money. Meanwhile, Ann learns that Andy is living in the pit as she invites Mark for dinner.

Quote from April

Host: Okay, folks, just a couple more contestants, and then the judges will decide our next Miss Pawnee, a winner of $600 in gift certificates to Big Archie's Sporting Goods and Emerson Fencing Company.
April: What? We don't get cash? This is for a fence?
Host: Well, it won't cover a whole fence. But it will defray the cost considerably!
April: Oh, my God. I quit. I quit. [walks off stage]
Host: Okay, I guess she really is quitting.
[aside to camera:]
April: No, I didn't win. But at least I didn't make any new friendships.

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Quote from April

April: [excited] Hey!
Leslie Knope: [confused] Hey!
April: So, I was just at The Grind and I thought you might want an iced mocha with extra, extra whipped cream.
Leslie Knope: Oh, my. Thank you so much, April. Wow!
April: You're welcome. Oh, by the way, completely unrelated, I just signed up for the Miss Pawnee Beauty Pageant.
Leslie Knope: That's wonderful. You know, that is why I decided to become a judge. So that awesome girls like you, who are not, you know, classically hot, can be rewarded for their intelligence and savvy.
[aside to camera:]
April: Beauty pageants are idiotic. But I found that the winner of the Miss Pawnee pageant gets $600. I can be idiotic for $600.

Quote from Leslie Knope

Leslie Knope: Good morning, everyone. A couple of announcements. As we all know, Ron is recovering from his hernia surgery. So I got him flowers from all of us. So everybody needs to pitch in, like, $90.
April: $90?
Leslie Knope: Yes, because I ordered a beautiful bouquet of daffodils, from a website, after a few glasses of wine. So, Tom, I think you might be getting some daffodils, too. Donna, you're definitely getting some. Jerry? I don't know. I'm not sure. Time will tell.

Quote from Tom

April: I can't believe you like beauty pageants.
Leslie Knope: April, whoever Miss Pawnee is, is gonna be the representative of womanhood in our town. And as a judge, let me assure you that this year's Miss Pawnee will be chosen for her talent and poise.
Tom: Whoa. The girls from Talent and Poise are gonna be there?
Leslie Knope: What?
Tom: Talent and Poise. It's the strip club by the VA hospital. I have some meetings there.
Leslie Knope: That's disgusting.
Tom: No. What's disgusting is the Glitter Factory. Do not go to the Glitter Factory.

Quote from Tom

Tom: [on the phone] Just bump that clown. Tell them they already have another Asian judge. Awesome. Thank you so much, I owe you. All right. Peace. [hangs up] Guess who's also gonna be a judge in the beauty pageant?
Leslie Knope: What? How?
Tom: I know a guy.
[aside to camera:]
Tom: I had to call in a few favors. But if you don't call in favors to look at women in bikinis and assign them numerical grades, what the hell do you call in favors for?

Quote from Leslie Knope

Leslie Knope: What you doing in these parts?
Dave Sanderson: Oh, I just came by to see the murals. This one's pretty amazing.
Leslie Knope: Yeah, this one's a beauty. You know, in the 1880s, there were a few years that were pretty rough and tumble in Pawnee. This depicts kind of a famous fight between Reverend Bradley and Anna Beth Stevenson, a widowed mother of seven. The original title of this was "A Lively Fisting." But you know, they had to change it for obvious reasons.
Dave Sanderson: She's got him by the hair pretty good there.

Quote from Leslie Knope

Dave Sanderson: Is that your grandma?
Leslie Knope: [laughs] Yeah. That's Madeleine Albright.
Dave Sanderson: That's her name? 'Cause I usually just call mine "Nana."
Leslie Knope: No, that's Madeleine Albright. The first female Secretary of State.
Dave Sanderson: Okay, so, not... That's not your grandma, then.

Quote from Leslie Knope

Leslie Knope: You want to hear something awful? He didn't even know who Madeleine Albright was.
Ann: Who?
Leslie Knope: Not you, too. Madeleine Albright, the first female Secretary of State.
Ann: No, no, no. Who didn't know?
Leslie Knope: Oh, Dave. That cop that I met. I don't know. I just don't know if I can date someone who doesn't share my interests. I mean, could you date someone who doesn't love giving vaccinations?
Ann: I've never dated anyone who loves giving vaccinations.

Quote from Tom

Tom: [aside to camera] Here we have Leslie's custom scorecard, with categories such as, presentation, intelligence, knowledge of "herstory", fruitful gestures, je ne sais quoi, and something called "The Naomi Wolf Factor."

Quote from April

April: I'm going to do impressions.
Host: Oh, celebrity impressions. That's wild. Wild stuff.
April: Yeah. This is an impression of my sister. [normal voice] Hi, I'm Natalie. I love Ritalin and have low self-esteem. [Charles laughs wildly] Hmm. Thank you. This is an impression of my boss, Leslie Knope. Women should do everything. Check out my four-color pen. Hey, everybody. Listen up while I talk about some really important stuff. Parks, parks, parks, parks, parks, parks, Michelle Obama, parks. Gay penguins, parks, sugar, parks. [Tom laughs]
Leslie Knope: She got me. She got me good. She got...

Quote from Leslie Knope

Leslie Knope: [aside to camera] No, Susan isn't a perfect 10. But in my mind, Susan is the perfect Miss Pawnee. Her values are strong, her commitment to her job is very admirable, she has a real sense of... [the camera pans over to Trish, who is bending over to pick something up] Hey, hey! Over here.

Quote from Leslie Knope

Tom: So, how long do we have to pretend to deliberate until we go back out there? [laughter]
Leslie Knope: What do you mean?
Tom: We're all in agreement. The hot one, by a landslide.
Leslie Knope: Well, her name is Trish. And I don't think we should rush this, you know?
Jessica Wicks: What is there to talk about? I mean, I thought Trish was just adorable.
Leslie Knope: Well, take Susan, for example. I think...
Tom: Susan Boring Stories? No. It's Trish. Let's go back out there.
Leslie Knope: Okay, hold on, everyone. Hold on. Everyone, wait, wait, wait. Look, whoever we choose is going to represent the ideal woman for a year. She'll be someone that little girls in South Central Indiana look up to. Now, nobody leaves this room until we discuss all of it. Okay? Consider yourselves sequestered.
[aside to camera:]
Leslie Knope: I'm a judge, so I don't want to sound partial. But Trish will win this pageant over my dead body.

Quote from Tom

Tom: If you guys like grilling, you want to come over and use my grill... Look, let me do you a favor. Take a key. Just come by, grill up whatever you want.
[aside to camera:]
Tom: This is one of my favorite pick-up strategies. I'm constantly giving one of my keys.
[back:]
Trish: This is your house key?
Tom: Yeah. I just happened to have a spare. Just come by, go for a dip, whenever you want.
[aside to camera:]
Tom: So far, none of them have shown up.
[flashback:]
Ann: That's a very appealing offer, thank you.
[aside to camera:]
Tom: Matter of time.
[flashback:]
Tom: Hey, Craig.
Craig: Hey, Tommy.
Tom: Fifty more copies, please.
Craig: You got it.
Tom: I have been robbed twice.


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