Ben: You know, Andy and Tom were right when they said the DeMarcos don't matter. Their generation's the past. The way to make this merger take hold is to focus on the future.
Leslie Knope: Of course. The children. The children are our future. Whitney Houston knew it, and so do you, and so do I.

Ron Swanson: Speaking of bad reviews...
[aside to camera:]
Ron Swanson: Computers are mostly pointless, but that Yelp thing gave me a great idea on how to criticize people and places. [writing on typewriter] I am composing strongly-worded letters about things I disapprove of, and I am using the internet to get addresses where I can send them. So far I've written to a vegetable farm, several European ambassadors, a manufacturer of male cologne, and a nonfat frozen yogurt bar. "Dear frozen yogurt, you are the celery of desserts. Be ice cream or be nothing. Zero stars."

Jerry: Thank you so much for letting me help plan your anniversary. It is so wonderful to be part of such a special day.
Ben: Okay, remember, under no circumstances can Leslie know about what's going on. She has to make that face, do you understand?
Jerry: No, I don't fully, but my lips are sealed.
[aside to camera:]
Ben: I asked for Larry's help because he has the most successful marriage of anyone I know, to a gorgeous woman. Which, honestly, is still a mystery to me. Like, was it a hypnosis accident or something, where they put Gayle under and made her fall in love with Larry and never said the magic word to snap her out of it? Like, if I say "nutmeg," will she wake up and start screaming?

Donna: Just give me the IP address of the dude that gave me that cracked-out Yelp review.
Ragiv: Okay, here we go. The IP address says it came from someone inside city hall.
Donna: In this building? Oh, hell, no.
April: Well, who cares, really? It's just some dumb internet person. Ignore it.
Donna: Ignore it? I'm about to come down on this dude like Thor's hammer Mjolnir. I'm about to go Mjolnir on his ass!

Leslie Knope: Okay, you two, head on up there. We are gonna recreate your wedding photo from 50 years ago.
Mr. DeMarco: Okay, let's relive that day. Only this time could we shave her moustache? [chuckles]
Leslie Knope: Oh, boy. I don't know. I'm kind of worried about putting these two on live TV. They're sort of grumpy.
Tom: Why are we wasting our time with these old people anyway? They're like the old version of iTunes. We're like the new version of iTunes, baby. We're gonna be here forever. Oh, my God. I'm gonna die someday.

Ron Swanson: Can I help you?
Terk: Yeah, I own Lettuce Eat, the vegan restaurant on Lowell Drive, and I wanted to know why you nailed this letter to my door.
[aside to camera:]
Ron Swanson: "Veganism is the sad result of a morally corrupt mind. Reconsider your life."
[back:]
Ron Swanson: Because I believe it. Good day.
Terk: Carnivores. You're all the same.

April: How did that guy know where to find you?
Ron Swanson: I assume he saw my name and address at the bottom of the letter I nailed to his door.
April: You signed your real name?
Ron Swanson: Of course I did. What's gonna happen? A vegan is gonna physically attack me? [chuckles] They're basically made of glass. But more importantly, if you believe in something, you sign your name to it. Which is why the makers of carbonated water will soon know exactly where to find me.

Tom: Don't be upset, Leslie. No one listens to the radio. I wasn't even listening. I was listening to podcasts. Podcasts are great. Radio is boring.

Ben: Stop where you are and take off your clothes. It's couples massage. Ugh. Where's Leslie?
Jerry: Oh, well, she seemed kind of stressed out. And then she yelled at me, and she said she was too busy to come. And since you had said do not tell her the secret under any circumstances...
Ben: Aw, man. Well, that's a danger of doing things a day early, I guess. Should I text her and try again?
Jerry: Why don't you just go ahead and get your massage, and then hopefully we can get her in for the next thing.
Ben: Okay. I have been kind of tense lately. Just thinking about the new Star Wars sequel. I'm afraid they're gonna rely too heavily on CGI. And I'm carrying it all in my shoulders.

Andy: Hey, Leslie, who cares? They're old people. They eat, they sleep, they complain, and they watch Family Feud. Oh, my God, I wanna be an old person.