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‘Anniversaries’ Quotes

Parks and Recreation: Anniversaries

614. Anniversaries

Aired February 27, 2014

On their anniversary, Ben plans to surprise Leslie with a series of extravagant presents, but he ends up spending the day with Jerry. Leslie tries to promote a sense of unity between Pawneans and Eagletonians by showcasing a long-married couple from both sides of the border. Meanwhile, April doesn't know how to give Donna negative feedback as her boss.

Quote from Leslie Knope

Ben: You know, Andy and Tom were right when they said the DeMarcos don't matter. Their generation's the past. The way to make this merger take hold is to focus on the future.
Leslie Knope: Of course. The children. The children are our future. Whitney Houston knew it, and so do you, and so do I.

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Quote from Ben

Jerry: Thank you so much for letting me help plan your anniversary. It is so wonderful to be part of such a special day.
Ben: Okay, remember, under no circumstances can Leslie know about what's going on. She has to make that face, do you understand?
Jerry: No, I don't fully, but my lips are sealed.
[aside to camera:]
Ben: I asked for Larry's help because he has the most successful marriage of anyone I know, to a gorgeous woman. Which, honestly, is still a mystery to me. Like, was it a hypnosis accident or something, where they put Gayle under and made her fall in love with Larry and never said the magic word to snap her out of it? Like, if I say "nutmeg," will she wake up and start screaming?

Quote from Donna

Donna: Just give me the IP address of the dude that gave me that cracked-out Yelp review.
Ragiv: Okay, here we go. The IP address says it came from someone inside city hall.
Donna: In this building? Oh, hell, no.
April: Well, who cares, really? It's just some dumb internet person. Ignore it.
Donna: Ignore it? I'm about to come down on this dude like Thor's hammer Mjolnir. I'm about to go Mjolnir on his ass!

Quote from Ron Swanson

Ron Swanson: Speaking of bad reviews...
[aside to camera:]
Ron Swanson: Computers are mostly pointless, but that Yelp thing gave me a great idea on how to criticize people and places. [writing on typewriter] I am composing strongly-worded letters about things I disapprove of, and I am using the internet to get addresses where I can send them. So far I've written to a vegetable farm, several European ambassadors, a manufacturer of male cologne, and a nonfat frozen yogurt bar. "Dear frozen yogurt, you are the celery of desserts. Be ice cream or be nothing. Zero stars."

Quote from Tom

Leslie Knope: Okay, you two, head on up there. We are gonna recreate your wedding photo from 50 years ago.
Mr. DeMarco: Okay, let's relive that day. Only this time could we shave her moustache? [chuckles]
Leslie Knope: Oh, boy. I don't know. I'm kind of worried about putting these two on live TV. They're sort of grumpy.
Tom: Why are we wasting our time with these old people anyway? They're like the old version of iTunes. We're like the new version of iTunes, baby. We're gonna be here forever. Oh, my God. I'm gonna die someday.

Quote from Tom

Tom: Don't be upset, Leslie. No one listens to the radio. I wasn't even listening. I was listening to podcasts. Podcasts are great. Radio is boring.

Quote from Ben

Ben: Stop where you are and take off your clothes. It's couples massage. Ugh. Where's Leslie?
Jerry: Oh, well, she seemed kind of stressed out. And then she yelled at me, and she said she was too busy to come. And since you had said do not tell her the secret under any circumstances...
Ben: Aw, man. Well, that's a danger of doing things a day early, I guess. Should I text her and try again?
Jerry: Why don't you just go ahead and get your massage, and then hopefully we can get her in for the next thing.
Ben: Okay. I have been kind of tense lately. Just thinking about the new Star Wars sequel. I'm afraid they're gonna rely too heavily on CGI. And I'm carrying it all in my shoulders.

Quote from Andy

Andy: Hey, Leslie, who cares? They're old people. They eat, they sleep, they complain, and they watch Family Feud. Oh, my God, I wanna be an old person.

Quote from Ron Swanson

Ron Swanson: Can I help you?
Terk: Yeah, I own Lettuce Eat, the vegan restaurant on Lowell Drive, and I wanted to know why you nailed this letter to my door.
[aside to camera:]
Ron Swanson: "Veganism is the sad result of a morally corrupt mind. Reconsider your life."
[back:]
Ron Swanson: Because I believe it. Good day.
Terk: Carnivores. You're all the same.

Quote from Ron Swanson

April: How did that guy know where to find you?
Ron Swanson: I assume he saw my name and address at the bottom of the letter I nailed to his door.
April: You signed your real name?
Ron Swanson: Of course I did. What's gonna happen? A vegan is gonna physically attack me? [chuckles] They're basically made of glass. But more importantly, if you believe in something, you sign your name to it. Which is why the makers of carbonated water will soon know exactly where to find me.

Quote from Leslie Knope

Leslie Knope: [aside to camera] It's been a couple of months since Pawnee and Eagleton officially merged. Things are going... okay. There's still a little animosity between the two towns. I haven't seen Pawneeans this mad since Frankie's discontinued their pizza-stuffed-crust pizza. It was a pizza whose crust was stuffed with little pizzas. And the crust of those little pizzas was made of chocolate.

Quote from Leslie Knope

Leslie Knope: "Leslie Knope and Ben Wyatt were married one year ago this week at the Pawnee city hall. The bride wore a gown made by her friend Ann Perkins. And the groom wore a butt so perfect it could make an angel hang itself."
Ben: You wrote this, didn't you?
Leslie Knope: I did. They cut it way down.
Ben: Thank God.

Quote from Leslie Knope

Ben: Okay, so, the big day is tomorrow. So let's go over this again. What are the anniversary rules?
Leslie Knope: At least 100 kisses. Dinner at 7:00. And no gifts.
Ben: That's right, no gifts.
Leslie Knope: No gifts. No gifts.
[aside to camera:]
Leslie Knope: Oh, I'm getting him a gift. I always say that I'm not gonna get him a gift. And Ben always believes me. And then, bam, I surprise him with the best gift of all time. He makes the cutest, dopiest face when he's surprised. It's like... Wha-a-a-at?

Quote from Ben

Ben: [aside to camera] I'm not gonna make my stupid surprise face this year because this time I got her the most amazing gift ever. And she'll never see it coming because I'm giving it to her today, one day early. So she's gonna make the face this year. She will make that stupid face!

Quote from Ron Swanson

April: What kind of pet are you interested in adopting? We have dogs, cats, rabbits. Um, I work here, so, legally, you can adopt me.
Ron Swanson: The girls want an actual dog. And they want it to look like this.
April: Interesting. So, like a banana made of spiders?
Ron Swanson: I've said it before and I'll say it again, children are terrible artists. [to camera] And artists are crooks.

Quote from April

April: Is this land mine still functional?
Ron Swanson: Partially. Why?
April: Because I want to blow up Donna's desk so I can teach her a lesson about what happens when you skip work.
Ron Swanson: I'm not sure that's how you should go about this.
April: I'm kind of her boss, now, but I still feel weird disciplining her. What do I do?
Ron Swanson: Look her in the eyes and tell her exactly what you need from her. Be mature, direct, and firm.
[cut to:]
Donna: What? Some fool just slammed me on Yelp.
[aside to camera:]
April: I took Ron's advice. I very maturely and straightforwardly left anonymous comments about Donna online.

Quote from Leslie Knope

Mrs. DeMarco: Can I help you?
Leslie Knope: Hello, Mrs. DeMarco, I am Leslie Knope, and we saw your announcement in the newspaper and we would love to treat you and your husband to a very special day.
Mr. DeMarco: All right. How much money did we win?
Leslie Knope: Oh, no, you didn't win any money, you won something better than money. A golden anniversary celebration.
Mrs. DeMarco: So no money.
Leslie Knope: No, and I'm now just realizing how misleading this giant check it.
Tom: Told you.
Leslie Knope: Yes, you did, Tom. Thank you. Now is not the time. We... [Mrs. DeMarco starts to close the door] Hey! Hey! We'll give you some money. Okay? Here, here's some money. Everybody give 'em money.
Andy: I got football cards, and a travel mouthwash.
Leslie Knope: Wow! That's great! Let's get started!

Quote from Ben

Jerry: Oh, I cannot wait for Leslie to see this surprise.
Ben: I am so prepared. I watched Enchanted three times to get all the details right. And then another two times, because that movie is amazing.
Jerry: Oh, it really is.

Quote from Ron Swanson

Ron Swanson: How much postage does it take to send a letter to Canada?
April: Who's it going to?
Ron Swanson: Canada. It says, "Dear Canada, [bleep] you."

Quote from April

April: Donna, Kyle did not write those things, okay? I did.
Donna: [gasps] I know.
April: You do?
Donna: I checked what else that user had written. It was a review of a funeral home that said "Great first date spot." I dragged Kyle in here to see if you would come clean.
April: Well, you overestimated how much I care what happens to Kyle. Or anyone, really. But... I'm sorry that I didn't just talk to you.
Donna: And I'm sorry I bailed on work. And I'm sorry I toyed with you instead of coming at you straight. From now on, we say what we feel. Cool?
April: Cool. Your lipstick looks weird.
Donna: You're gonna want to shut your mouth right now.
April: Good talk.

Quote from Ben

Ben: Oh, I can't believe I actually defeated Leslie Knope at a gift exchange. Yes!
Leslie Knope: Uh, yeah. About that. Happy anniversary.
Ben: [gasps] It's the Iron Throne. Ohh! It's the Iron Throne.
Leslie Knope: Yes, it is. I had a guy at the model store make a replica. He's a bigger Game of Thrones fan than you are. Okay, I know I'm making that dumb surprise face, but I can't help it. This is the greatest gift I've ever received, Leslie. When you play the game of thrones, you win or you die. Yes. No. Yes. No! Come here. Come hither, peasant. Come here. Who are you?
Leslie Knope: Our starship is in trouble.
Ben: Okay, Leslie, listen. If you're not... if you don't know what you're talking about...


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