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‘Fancy Party’ Quotes

Parks and Recreation: Fancy Party

309. Fancy Party

Aired April 14, 2011

Andy and April invite their colleagues to a fancy dinner party. Meanwhile, Ann gets back on the dating scene.

Quote from Donna

Donna: Excuse us. That was the worst thing I've ever seen in my life. Did you grow up in the woods? Are you Nell from the movie Nell?
Ann: I told you I'm rusty.
Donna: All right, come with me.

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Quote from Ron Swanson

Leslie Knope: You okay, Ron?
Ron Swanson: Just a little tooth pain. I'm fine. Continue.
Ben: Okay, each department will be getting blue bins...
Ron Swanson: [groans in pain]
Ben: Do you need to go to the dentist, Ron?
Ron Swanson: I don't like dentists. Just a second. [Ron pulls out a pair of pliers]
All: [shouting]
Ben: Oh!
Donna: What the [bleep]?
Jerry: Oh, my God!
Ron Swanson: I'm sorry, everybody. What were we talking about... Recycling?
[aside to camera:]
Ron Swanson: Dentist pulled the tooth out yesterday. But it's always a good idea to demonstrate to your co-workers that you are capable of withstanding a tremendous amount of pain. Plus, it's always fun to see Tom faint.

Quote from Leslie Knope

Leslie Knope: [aside to camera] I love Andy and April as a couple. I want them to stay together forever. But relationships need planning. You just can't jump into something without thinking. It took me four years to find the right hairdresser, and we still fight all the time!

Quote from Leslie Knope

Leslie Knope: [aside to camera] One time, I fell madly in love with a Civil War reenactor that I had only known for six hours. And then I found out he wore those clothes all the time. And he was married. But the clothes thing really bothered me.

Quote from Leslie Knope

Leslie Knope: [aside to camera] Relationships are like scuba diving. If you come up too fast, you get the bends. And the reason why I know this is because I was dating a guy once, and we were scuba diving, and I told him that I loved him underwater, and he shot up really fast, and he got the bends.

Quote from Ron Swanson

Ron Swanson: You wouldn't have been able to stop it, you know.
Leslie Knope: I could've yelled something or tackled someone.
Ron Swanson: But you didn't, because deep down, you knew it wouldn't have mattered. Those kids are gonna do what they want to do.
Leslie Knope: They may have just ruined their lives on an impulse decision.
Ron Swanson: Leslie, I got married twice. Both times, I was a lot older than those two. And both marriages ended in divorce... And a burning effigy. Who's to say what works? You find somebody you like, and you roll the dice. That's all anybody can do.
Leslie Knope: Wait. Weren't you married three times?
Ron Swanson: Oh, my God, you're right. [chuckles] I get to burn another effigy.
[aside to camera:]
Ron Swanson: The key to burning an ex-wife effigy is to dip it in paraffin wax and then toss the flaming bottle of isopropyl alcohol... From a safe distance. Do not stand too close when you light an ex-wife effigy.

Quote from April

Andy: Remember how I told you there was going to be a surprise later? Well, the surprise is you're not actually at a dinner party. You're at our wedding. [applause] All right. Uh, let's do this.
[Simon & Garfunkel's "April Come She Will" plays]
Justice of the Peace: Ladies and gentlemen, we are gathered here today to marry Andrew Maxwell Dwyer and April Roberta Ludgate.
April: I guess I kind of hate most things. But I never really seem to hate you. So I want to spend the rest of my life with you. Is that cool?
Andy: Yes.

Quote from Donna

Ben: So, while they repaint the lines in the parking lot, we're asking everyone to do street parking.
Donna: I'm not street parking my Mercedes.
Ben: Well, everyone is. I'm doing it.
Donna: 'Cause nobody wants to steal a Saturn.

Quote from Andy

[aside to camera:]
April: We've been dating for almost a month, so we just decided that we wanted to do something special.
Andy: And dinner parties do combine two of our favorite things... dinner and parties.
April: Parties.
Andy: Yeah. It's like if you could have a Xbox pancake.

Quote from Tom

Andy: Your invitations include requests for each of you to bring stuff, 'cause we don't have a whole lot. Don't be late.
April: Watch out. [both exit]
Tom: "Dearest Tom, please bring silverware."
Donna: "Please bring cooked steak."
Ron Swanson: This is ridiculous.
Leslie Knope: They're young. They're in love. They're ready to show it to the world. It's very sweet. And we're all going.
Tom: What? There's a boy's sale at Dillard's today.

Quote from Ann

Ann: So how does this work?
Juliet: All right, you just fill out your name tag, and you're all set.
Ann: Okay. But I-I mean, do I just go up and talk to anyone, or do I wait for them to talk to me, or...?
Juliet: Are you asking me how to flirt with men?
Ann: Okay. All right.
[aside to camera:]
Ann: It's a whole new Ann Perkins. I'm putting myself out there, meeting some new people, having some casual fun, and it is... awkward.

Quote from Leslie Knope

Leslie Knope: Hey, guys. Okay, everybody listen up. April's friend Orin is here. He's very intense and very weird. So if you end up talking to him, just make sure you don't reveal anything personal about yourself.

Quote from Chris

Chris: Hey, gang.
Leslie Knope: Hey. What'd you bring?
Chris: I was in charge of the cake. To be fair, it's not a cake so much as it is a vegetable loaf. You got your mushrooms, your alfalfa sprouts, your spinach, and I had it sweetened with fruit reduction.
Ron Swanson: But did they ask you to bring a vegetable loaf or a cake?
Chris: No, a cake, but this is so much healthier.
Ron Swanson: So not only does this thing exist, but now you have deprived everyone of cake.
Leslie Knope: Take a walk, Ron.
Ron Swanson: Yep.

Quote from Donna

Ann: Donna. Oh, my God. I am so excited to see you here. These things are horrible when you're by yourself. [Donna is silent] What?
Donna: Do you know where you are right now? We're in the jungle. There are no friends here. It's every woman for herself.
Ann: You're joking, right?
Donna: Do I look like I'm joking? Dating is a zero-sum game. If you get a man, I don't get that man.
Ann: I'm here because of advice that you gave me to be more adventurous in my life.
Donna: Here's some more advice... Beat it.

Quote from Leslie Knope

Leslie Knope: Is April pregnant? Are you pregnant?
April: Yes.
Andy: Yes?
April: No.
Leslie Knope: Are you sick? Are you terminal? Is it like that movie A Walk to Remember?
April: Yes.
Andy: What?
April: No. God.

Quote from Ron Swanson

Leslie Knope: Andy and April are gonna surprise people with a secret ceremony.
Tom: Whoa. Secret wedding. Julia Roberts pulled the same move.
Ron Swanson: Is that that toothy girl from Mystic Pizza?

Quote from Andy

Andy: [aside to camera] One of my life goals is to be a best man. It's a baller position. You get drunk. You make speeches. And you make love to the prettiest bridesmaid, usually standing from behind.

Quote from Donna

Donna: You always want to scribble the name. Make them read. Draw them in. Make them work for it.
Ann: Right.
Donna: Two shots of Jameson. Don't make too much eye contact. You want to seem available, but not too available.
Ann: Oh, thanks. I think I'm good for now. I'm not gonna...
[Donna pounds the two shots]
Donna: Yeah. All right... Let's do this.

Quote from Leslie Knope

Ann: [answers phone] Hello?
Leslie Knope: Hi, Ann, it's Leslie... Leslie Knope from the Parks Department.
Ann: Yeah, I know. Where are you?
Leslie Knope: April and Andy are getting married tonight.
Ann: What?
Leslie Knope: Yeah, I know. I need you to get down here, Ann. I need you to kiss him again or kiss her or kiss somebody. I don't know, Ann! Help me, please!

Quote from Ben

Ben: No, Orin, I don't know how I'm going to die. Wait. Are you asking me or telling me?

Quote from Ben

Leslie Knope: Hey, can I talk to you for a second?
Ben: Yes, please.
Leslie Knope: April and Andy are about to get married.
Ben: Wow. My Brita filter is older than their relationship. Wait a second. Should I change my Brita filter?
Leslie Knope: I don't know. It depends on how frequently you use it.
Ben: It's true.

Quote from Andy

Andy: Attention, everybody. Madames and... Mis...Wahs. If you would do me the obligation of having your honor heretofore in the room doth right over there, uh, hence.
Ben: What?
Andy: Big event in that room, 15 minutes.

Quote from Leslie Knope

Leslie Knope: Oh, my God. This is really happening.
[aside to camera:]
Leslie Knope: I love April and Andy. I want them to stay together. And that is why I have to stop their wedding.

Quote from Andy

Andy: Is it my turn?
April: Yes.
Andy: "April, you're the most awesome person I have ever known in my entire life. I vow to protect you from danger. And I don't care if I have to fight an ultimate fighter or a bear or him, your mom... I would take them down."
April: Andy.
Andy: I'm getting mad right now even thinking about it. I'm telling you.
April: It's okay.
Andy: I want to spend the rest of my life... every minute... with you. And I'm the luckiest man in the galaxy.


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