Donna: Excuse us. That was the worst thing I've ever seen in my life. Did you grow up in the woods? Are you Nell from the movie Nell?
Ann: I told you I'm rusty.
Donna: All right, come with me.

Leslie Knope: You okay, Ron?
Ron Swanson: Just a little tooth pain. I'm fine. Continue.
Ben: Okay, each department will be getting blue bins...
Ron Swanson: [groans in pain]
Ben: Do you need to go to the dentist, Ron?
Ron Swanson: I don't like dentists. Just a second. [Ron pulls out a pair of pliers]
All: [shouting]
Ben: Oh!
Donna: What the [bleep]?
Jerry: Oh, my God!
Ron Swanson: I'm sorry, everybody. What were we talking about... Recycling?
[aside to camera:]
Ron Swanson: Dentist pulled the tooth out yesterday. But it's always a good idea to demonstrate to your co-workers that you are capable of withstanding a tremendous amount of pain. Plus, it's always fun to see Tom faint.

Leslie Knope: [aside to camera] I love Andy and April as a couple. I want them to stay together forever. But relationships need planning. You just can't jump into something without thinking. It took me four years to find the right hairdresser, and we still fight all the time!

Leslie Knope: [aside to camera] One time, I fell madly in love with a Civil War reenactor that I had only known for six hours. And then I found out he wore those clothes all the time. And he was married. But the clothes thing really bothered me.

Leslie Knope: [aside to camera] Relationships are like scuba diving. If you come up too fast, you get the bends. And the reason why I know this is because I was dating a guy once, and we were scuba diving, and I told him that I loved him underwater, and he shot up really fast, and he got the bends.

Ron Swanson: You wouldn't have been able to stop it, you know.
Leslie Knope: I could've yelled something or tackled someone.
Ron Swanson: But you didn't, because deep down, you knew it wouldn't have mattered. Those kids are gonna do what they want to do.
Leslie Knope: They may have just ruined their lives on an impulse decision.
Ron Swanson: Leslie, I got married twice. Both times, I was a lot older than those two. And both marriages ended in divorce... And a burning effigy. Who's to say what works? You find somebody you like, and you roll the dice. That's all anybody can do.
Leslie Knope: Wait. Weren't you married three times?
Ron Swanson: Oh, my God, you're right. [chuckles] I get to burn another effigy.
[aside to camera:]
Ron Swanson: The key to burning an ex-wife effigy is to dip it in paraffin wax and then toss the flaming bottle of isopropyl alcohol... From a safe distance. Do not stand too close when you light an ex-wife effigy.

Andy: Remember how I told you there was going to be a surprise later? Well, the surprise is you're not actually at a dinner party. You're at our wedding. [applause] All right. Uh, let's do this.
[Simon & Garfunkel's "April Come She Will" plays]
Justice of the Peace: Ladies and gentlemen, we are gathered here today to marry Andrew Maxwell Dwyer and April Roberta Ludgate.
April: I guess I kind of hate most things. But I never really seem to hate you. So I want to spend the rest of my life with you. Is that cool?
Andy: Yes.

Ben: So, while they repaint the lines in the parking lot, we're asking everyone to do street parking.
Donna: I'm not street parking my Mercedes.
Ben: Well, everyone is. I'm doing it.
Donna: 'Cause nobody wants to steal a Saturn.

Leslie Knope: Andy and April are gonna surprise people with a secret ceremony.
Tom: Whoa. Secret wedding. Julia Roberts pulled the same move.
Ron Swanson: Is that that toothy girl from Mystic Pizza?

Andy: Attention, everybody. Madames and... Mis...Wahs. If you would do me the obligation of having your honor heretofore in the room doth right over there, uh, hence.
Ben: What?
Andy: Big event in that room, 15 minutes.