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‘Sweet Sixteen’ Quotes

Parks and Recreation: Sweet Sixteen

416. Sweet Sixteen

Aired February 23, 2012

Ron wants Leslie to take a sabbatical away from work, but she insists she can manage her job, her campaign and planning Jerry's surprise party. Meanwhile, Tom is shocked to learn Ann doesn't share his taste in music, and Chris bonds with Andy's dog, Champion.

Quote from Donna

Leslie Knope: Donna, can we use your lake house?
Donna: How did you know about that?
[aside to camera:]
Donna: My family has a lake house up in the foothills, but we keep it quiet. We're not big on hospitality. The Meagles are a cold people.
[back:]
Leslie Knope: Can we use your house?
Donna: I suppose. Bring your own towels.

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Quote from Donna

Ann: Wow, Donna. This place is beautiful.
Donna: Yes, it is, and it will stay that way. These are the house rules. No dirty shoes in the house. Upstairs is Meagle space only. And if you listen closely, that is the bubbling of the hot tub. You do not have access to it. If you follow these rules, we won't have a problem.

Quote from Leslie Knope

Leslie Knope: So as you can imagine, we would never have ordered a sign with all this complicated nonsense because, you know, we're not insane.
Walter: See right here on the order form? It says, "http://www.knope2012"-
Leslie Knope: I can read the sign. It does.
Walter: ".com/imagescmyk/"-
Leslie Knope: Well, but this isn't what-
Walter: "page/campaign/123"
Leslie Knope: You don't need to read the whole thing.
Walter: "9u/09230023"-
Leslie Knope: Mm-hmm.
Walter: "/poster/"-
Leslie Knope: It does say that.
Walter: ".jpeg."
Leslie Knope: Jpeg. Yes, Walter, it does say that. You're right, but using basic logic and human intelligence, one can surmise that this is a link to an image. This isn't what we wanted printed on the signs.
Walter: Whatever's on the order form I print. In this case, it was a long string of letters and numbers.
Leslie Knope: Can I just show you something here? There you go.
Walter: That's highly against protocol.
Leslie Knope: Well, here, look.
Walter: That's a good sign. You should've used that.

Quote from Jerry

Leslie Knope: Jerry, I wanted to say I'm sorry that I screwed up your birthday party.
Jerry: Oh, that's okay.
Leslie Knope: But we all pitched in. And we are sending you and Gayle to a B&B in your favorite place in the world.
Jerry: Muncie?
Leslie Knope: Amazingly, yes. Muncie, Indiana.
Jerry: [sighs] Thank you, guys. It was really expensive.

Quote from Jerry

Jerry: Morning, Leslie.
Tom: [laughs] Jerry, take that shirt off. You look ridiculous.
Jerry: Gayle gave me this shirt yesterday as a birthday present.
Leslie Knope: Oh, my God, Jerry. I can't believe I forgot your birthday.
Jerry: Leslie, it is okay. I mean, let's face it, it's a tough one to remember.
[aside to camera:]
Jerry: My birthday is February 29th, so I only get one real birthday, you know, once every four years. But it's great because my wife Gayle makes such a big deal out of it. We go, we split a huge piece of cotton candy cheesecake from Cakey J's Cheesecake Facility. And then, well, we hold hands for a while. We listen to some Anita Baker. She meets up with some friends, and I turn in early.

Quote from April

April: [aside to camera] I was getting kind of sick of listening to Tom and Ann talk about their relationship, but then I remembered that alcohol existed. Thank you, alcohol.

Quote from Chris

Andy: Champion! Hey, bud. I missed you. Thank you so much. I hope he wasn't a handful.
Chris: Not in the slightest. As the Germans would say, "er ist ein wunder hund." He is a wonder dog.
Andy: Oh. The dog training course I took was conducted entirely in German, and so now I'm fluent in German... words relating to dogs.
[aside to camera:]
Chris: April and Andy went away for the night, and I looked after Champion here. He's a mutt. Half amazing, half terrific. [Boston accent] Ich bin ein three-legged dog.

Quote from Tom

Tom: Ginuwine? The Ginuwine is your cousin? How do I not know this?
Ann: Who's Ginuwine?
Tom: Ginuwine? Ginuwine is Ginuwine. He's Ginuwine.
Ann: Saying his name over and over again is not going to help me.
Tom: He's an R&B singer. Pony, Differences. Do you really not know who Ginuwine is?
Ann: I know that he's Donna's cousin.
[aside to camera:]
Tom: When I'm dating someone, I have a list called my "oh-no-nos." A woman commits an "oh-no-no," it can end the relationship. Not loving '90s R&B music is number three on the "oh-no-nos" list. Girl doesn't even know who Ginuwine is.

Quote from Leslie Knope

Ron Swanson: It's time, Leslie. You have to take a leave of absence from the department.
Leslie Knope: Ron, that is ridiculous.
Ron Swanson: We've talked about this.
Leslie Knope: No, you've talked about it, and I've ignored it, because it is ridiculous. Need I remind you that even if I win the election, I will still work at the Parks department. City council is a part-time job.
Ron Swanson: But campaigning is a full-time job. Right now you're working 50 hours a week here and 50 hours a week on the campaign.
Leslie Knope: Well, I have time to spare. I'm also volunteering at "Wheels For Meals On Wheels." We repair vans for "Meals On Wheels."

Quote from Leslie Knope

Ann: Hey, can you approve this new design for the campaign poster?
Leslie Knope: Oh, Ann, you beautiful, rule-breaking moth. You know we can't talk about my campaign in here.
Ann: Seriously? It's a "yes" or "no" question.
[aside to camera:]
Leslie Knope: When you're running for office, there are, like, a million rules of what you can and cannot do. And because I work for the government, I am not allowed to do anything campaign-related inside a government building. It's kind of a pain in the ass. But it's great exercise... But it's a pain in the ass.

Quote from Tom

Tom: Hey. Here's a fun game. Let's talk minimum acceptable thread count for sheets.
Ann: Ooh, that does sound fun.
Tom: Stop me when I hit it.
Ann: 1,000... 800... 700... 600?
Tom: Ann, I'm at 600. Are you really not stopping me?
Ann: I have those cotton t-shirt sheets.
Tom: Huh?
[aside to camera:]
Tom: It's always the most beautiful ladies who hurt you the worst.

Quote from Donna

Tom: Oh, my God. Is that Ginuwine?
Donna: Mm-hmm.
Tom: Why do you have Ginuwine's platinum record on your wall? Why do you have a photo of you with Ginuwine at some place?
Donna: Oh, have I never talked about this before? Ginuwine's my cousin.

Quote from Tom

Ann: You told April you were breaking up with me?
Tom: Ann, we consistently disagree on "who wore it best." You still use an iPad one. You read books all the time.
Ann: Okay, how about my "oh-no-nos" for you? You make me see terrible movies, and then you talk through them. You put 20-inch rims on your Volkswagen golf, and you insist on being introduced as "the brown Gosling."
Tom: Everything you just said makes me like me more.

Quote from Leslie Knope

Ben: So Perd Hapley wants to do Thursday now.
Leslie Knope: Fine.
April: Did you finish the maintenance report?
Leslie Knope: [steps inside] I did not finish it, but I will finish it. [steps outside] So wait, what was your question again?
Ben: The slogan?
April: Okay, can I just come out there, so we can talk about everything?
Leslie Knope: No, April, I need to keep my work separate, okay? Just think of it like a fun game. Parks is inside. Campaign is outside. Parks is inside. Campaign's outside.
April: Ooh, you know what would make it more fun? What? Oh, my God, this. [closes door]

Quote from April

Tom: These Kangol hats are exactly like the one Samuel L. Jackson wore to the Latin Grammys. How could she not like them?
April: I don't know.
Tom: It's like somehow everything I do with her is wrong.
April: Dude, seriously, leave me out of this.
[aside to camera:]
April: I kind of set up Tom and Ann, and now they won't stop asking me for advice, which is a really bad move on their part, because I really don't care what happens to them... Or anyone.

Quote from April

Leslie Knope: So we're gonna throw him a Sweet 16 surprise party. It's gonna be very special.
April: The usual, cake and pop?
Leslie Knope: No, April, the unusual.
April: Fish and pop.
Leslie Knope: No.
April: Cake and fish.
Leslie Knope: No, no fish.

Quote from Tom

Leslie Knope: Jerry only gets a real birthday every four years. And four years from now, who knows? He might be retired... Or dead.
Tom: Let's start a pool. Who wants retied? Who wants dead?
April: Dead.
Leslie Knope: No.
Tom: I got one dead.
Leslie Knope: No.

Quote from Andy

Chris: See, it's pretty cool, huh? Would you like me to teach you?
Andy: Uh, whatever. I mean, anybody can do that. [speaks gibberish] Toxic. Merkel. Merkel. What is "Merkel"?
Chris: She's the Chancellor of Germany.

Quote from Chris

Chris: Champion, come here, boy. I have an organic, gluten-free soy bone for you.

Quote from Tom

Tom: Jerry, today is your birthday, but it's about much more than that. It's also about Ann and I getting back together and being the hottest couple in Pawnee. I'd also like to announce our official relationship mash-up name. It's "Tan." To Tan.
Ann: I would like to announce that the name Tan is officially over. To the end of Tan.
Tom: Haverkins it is.

Quote from Donna

Leslie Knope: Okay, Donna?
Donna: I would like to address the fact that rule number seven says "no pets" and yet there is a three-legged animal in my living room.

Quote from Ron Swanson

Ron Swanson: I now officially insist that you take a sabbatical.
Leslie Knope: No, no.
Ron Swanson: Let me finish. I used to work in a sheet metal factory, but then a job came along at the tannery. The hours were better, and I would get paid. Also I'd have the chance to work with leather both before and after it was on the cow, which had always been a dream of mine. I didn't want to give up my sheet metal job, so I tried to do both jobs and finish middle school.
Leslie Knope: How old were you?
Ron Swanson: 11. The point is, I was so tired, I tried to puncture an eight-gauge aluminum foil with a leather awl. [laughs]
Leslie Knope: Wow.
Ron Swanson: I learned a lesson. Never half-ass two things. Whole-ass one thing. So if you want to win that seat--
Leslie Knope: Which I do.
Ron Swanson: Then commit yourself 100%. Take a sabbatical.


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