April: [aside to camera] This is Stacy Knoblauch's house. I went to high school with her, and she was super mean to me, and now I know that she dyes her hair. I knew that wench wasn't naturally blonde. Oh, my God! She has to use prescription-strength deodorant. This is the best day of my life.

Paula Horke: Government was a real boys' club back in the '70s. They smoked their cigars, they snapped my bra, wore mirrors on their shoes to look up my skirt.
Leslie Knope: Well, I am happy to report that it is now a pervert-free people's club.
Ann: Well, except for Councilman Dexhart, who's a self-described pervert.
Donna: Yeah, and didn't Milton try to kiss you?
Leslie Knope: Well, yeah, things aren't perfect.

Dewey: Bakery called this in. Needs to go on that truck right there.
Leslie Knope: Ah, easy, breezy, beautiful. That's the Covergirl slogan. I didn't mean to say that.

Shauna Malwae-Tweep: I'm gonna have to start writing this up soon. Kinda sucks. I thought maybe we'd be done in time to grab a drink.
Chris: Oh!
Shauna Malwae-Tweep: Have you been to Bistro d'Amour? It's really romantic. Yeah, it was just gonna be you and me, my sister, a few people from work, and my ex-boyfriend.
Chris: [laughs] That's really confusing. I have a request. Could you please make sure that my involvement in this stays off the record? I wouldn't want anyone thinking that you're biased because we're something.
Shauna Malwae-Tweep: You don't have to worry about that. I'm gonna include a disclaimer describing the nature of our relationship.
[aside to camera:]
Chris: I guess I'll have to wait for tomorrow's paper to find out our status. Why did I have to fall for somebody from the old media?

Both: Moustache! Dumb-dumb! Moustache! Dumb-dumb!
Ron Swanson: Hello.
Ann: I just came to drop off some of the employee- What is happening?
[aside to camera:]
Ron Swanson: The girls are on break, and their sitter had to go out of town for the day, so I'm watching them while Diane works. I borrowed some markers from Leslie and some stickers from Leslie and a Lite-Brite which I got from Andy.

Paula Horke: Well it's a pleasure to be here, ladies. I didn't think anybody really cared about my time on the city council.
Leslie Knope: Oh, we do. I mean, you are such an inspiration. Still going strong at 82. [Paula blows her nose]
April: How old is that handkerchief?
Paula Horke: Well, it's not a handkerchief. It's a receipt.
Ann: [groans]
[aside to camera:]
Leslie Knope: Paula Horke was Pawnee's first female city councilor 40 years ago, and she was a huge inspiration to me. Women have come a long way in Pawnee, but we still have quite a ways to go. I mean, technically, I'm not allowed to reserve this conference room without my husband or father's signature.

Paula Horke: All the other councilmen used to keep a calendar of my menstrual cycle.
Leslie Knope: Are you kidding me? That is horrible. They don't do that to me. Do they do that to me?
Paula Horke: I once tried to start a commission to try to get more jobs for women in city government, and they dismissed me, saying that it was because it was just my time of the month. Admittedly, they were right. Because of the calendar.
Leslie Knope: Manpigs. All of them. You know what, I'm gonna get that commission going, because this inequality has gone on long enough.

Chris: The lack of women in this government is criminal. I'm gonna ask each department to send two people to a meeting today.
Leslie Knope: Yeah!
Chris: And! And- And I can ask Shauna Malwae-Tweep to write an article about it for the Pawnee Journal. She's my special friend.
Leslie Knope: That's what you're calling her now.
Chris: I don't know what to call her. I don't entirely understand the behavior of young people. Recently, we engaged in something called a "group hang." It was like a date, but there were seven other people there. It was very confusing. I'm not really sure what our label is. Labels can be bad, but they can also be good. "Warning: Toxic bleach" is a good label. Shauna Malwae-Tweep has amazing dimples.
Leslie Knope: So the commission?
Chris: Yes, right, the commission. I'm gonna get that going right now.

Tom: Listen, I need you two to teach me everything you know about basketball.
[aside to camera:]
Tom: Rent-A-Swag is doing really well. I'm on track to turn a profit in my third month. One problem: All the kids that shop in the store are basketball crazy. It's all they talk about. I need to be able to schmooze them, and I can't keep referring to basketball players as "Khloe Kardashian's husband and his friends."
[back:]
Tom: You're just the men to help me out. One jock, one geek who loves stats. I'll give you a few minutes to cancel the rest of your plans for the day.
Andy: No need. My only plan was to buy Skittles.

Councilman Milton: I believe one problem with hiring women is that they're frail and breakable.
Leslie Knope: Is it possible you're thinking about light bulbs? Or your hip?
April: Mm. If I were 300 years older, Councilman.