Previous Episode Next Episode 

‘Leslie and Ron’ Quotes

Parks and Recreation: Leslie and Ron

704. Leslie and Ron

Aired January 20, 2015

After Ben and the gang lock Leslie and Ron in the office overnight, they are forced to talk through what went on between them.

Quote from Leslie Knope

Leslie Knope: Aha! Jackpot. You know what this is, Ron? This is a mix I made for the summer Parks barbecue, 2007. I asked everyone in the Parks Department to choose one song. You chose Buddy by Willie Nelson, a fact I remember because my mind is a steel trap of friendship nuggets. But I am not going to play your choice. I'm gonna play Jerry's choice.
[Billy Joel's "We Didn't Start the Fire" plays]
Leslie Knope: Ooh, that's right. And I'm gonna sing along. And I'm gonna maintain eye contact the whole time. And guess what. I don't know the words. [sings] Harry Truman was a guy America, Red China All the countries, other people Everyone is fun Joe Mantegna, Ian McKellen I have to buy a new toaster This is awesome, you're so stupid Jumping up and down. [talks] Whoo! Oh, I got it on repeat. Come on, Ron. Do you want to hear it again, or do you want to talk? No? Okay, next verse. [sings] Freddy Krueger bought some pants Oprah has a turtle farm Peter Piper pee-pee poopy Daddy ate a squirrel
Ron Swanson: Stop this!

Rate

Quote from Ron Swanson

Ron Swanson: Is that nuclear waste?
Leslie Knope: No, this is my job application from when you hired me.
Ron Swanson: How did you get that?
Leslie Knope: Freedom of Information Act request. But here's the thing. I've never read it. This application contains your very first impressions of me. It's the Rosetta Stone, Ron. The beginning of the whole shebang. This is all you wrote? Three lousy lines?
Ron Swanson: Why would anyone need more than three lines? I'm describing a person, not something complicated like a wooden sailing ship or proper dovetail technique. I forgot what I wrote. Can I hear it?
Leslie Knope: Why don't you read it yourself?
Ron Swanson: "Leslie Knope is an absurd idealist whose political leanings are slightly to the left of Leon Trotsky." So far, so accurate. "If we were to work together, she would undoubtedly drive me insane, and it is possible that we would murder each other."
Leslie Knope: You forgot the last sentence.
Ron Swanson: No, I didn't. I remember that part. It says, "Hire her."

Quote from Ron Swanson

Leslie Knope: Why did you give me the job? And that's what I don't get. We should've never worked together. Why did you hire me?
Ron Swanson: Because of your interview.
Leslie Knope: Okay, that doesn't make any sense. I mean, I remember that interview. You were wearing that exact outfit. And you said to me, "Ms. Knope, I have one question for you. What do you believe the role of government is in America?"
Ron Swanson: You blathered on for ten minutes about social safety nets and honest governance and improving lives. Basic nonsense.
Leslie Knope: Then you said, "Everything that just came out of your mouth is basic nonsense. Good day." And that was it.
Ron Swanson: No, that was not it. After I said you were full of it, you got very angry and scrunched up your face and said, "Excuse me, sir, but I disagree." [chuckles] Did you let me have it. That was one of your top ten tirades, I'd say. You were pounding your fist and shaking. You called me a heartless thug.
Leslie Knope: I most certainly did not.
Ron Swanson: You were tough and honest, and you stood up for what you believed in, even though it might've killed your chance to get the job. I would rather work with a person like that than with a milquetoast yes-man.

Quote from Ron Swanson

Ron Swanson: Honestly, Leslie, it's fine. It was a punctuation mark on a sentence that had already been written. My time in government work was over. Sure, I loved shutting things down and bleeding the rotting beast from the inside.
Leslie Knope: Your metaphors are so beautiful.
Ron Swanson: But it was time for me to leave, and I didn't feel like explaining why to you or anyone. Everything that happened after - the fight we had, not giving you a heads-up when my company took on the Morningstar development and bulldozed the nurse's old house - I do regret that. I had a good run here. But after you and Tom and Donna and April and Terry left, when I looked around this office, nothing was the same.

Quote from Ron Swanson

Leslie Knope: Is it that I sent you a birthday card through the US mail, so the post office knew your address?
Ron Swanson: [o.s.] No. Go away.
Leslie Knope: Ooh, is it because I had Food and Stuff temporarily shut down due to a health code violation?
Ron Swanson: That was you?
Leslie Knope: They had fresh produce out right next to the roach spray.
Ron Swanson: The name of the store is "Food and Stuff." They sell food, and they sell stuff. If you don't like it, go to that new place, Complete Food.
Leslie Knope: It's called Whole Foods.

Quote from Leslie Knope

Leslie Knope: I love it. But I feel bad. I don't have anything for you. I-- For the first time in my life, I am present-less.
Ron Swanson: How 'bout you buy me a meal? You hungry?
Leslie Knope: I'm starving. April, Ron and I are going to JJ's to eat too much breakfast food.
Ron Swanson: Why does anybody in the world ever eat anything but breakfast food?
Leslie Knope: People are idiots, Ron.

Quote from April

Ben: Sorry, Ron, doors are locked. We've taken your key cards and your phones, and the automatic timer won't go off until tomorrow at 8:00 a.m. You're trapped in there.
Tom: We told security not to disturb you under any circumstances. And the phones and internet? Oh, they've been disconnected.
April: And I left a rusty hacksaw on the table, so the first person who hacks their face off gets release.
Andy: [laughs] That's not- What? Is that true?

Quote from Leslie Knope

Leslie Knope: Guys, this is insane, okay? Let us out. Oh, my God, babe. Game of Thrones is on tonight. It's the series finale. Khaleesi is marrying Jack Sparrow. Oh, God, that show has really gone off the rails.
Ben: It makes sense if you've read the books.

Quote from Ron Swanson

Ben: Look, our baby monitor is on the table. If you guys can talk this out and settle your differences like grown-ups, turn it on, and I will come to get you from my office. Otherwise, we will see you at 8:00 a.m. tomorrow morning.
Ron Swanson: I am going to break out of here, then I am going to snap you in half.
Donna: Hey. This is not his fault, Swanson. Be a man, and get your house in order. You too, Knope.

Quote from Ron Swanson

Ron Swanson: Okay, think. There must be a way out of here.
Leslie Knope: I don't think there is. They installed these magnetic locks two years ago. There's no way around them.
Ron Swanson: Yes, there is. I'll simply punch my fist through a window.
Leslie Knope: Ron, there's security wire in there. You'll slice your arm open.
Ron Swanson: I would rather bleed out than sit here and talk about my feelings for ten hours.

Quote from Leslie Knope

Leslie Knope: There is another way. We'll just wait a few minutes, turn on this monitor, and then we'll tell Ben that we talked it out and made up. I'll just tell them that I apologized for... whatever, heroically caring too much, and you admitted that you're a stubborn butthead, and everything's fine now.
Ron Swanson: Why do I have to be stubborn? Why can't the problem have been that I was reasonable and you were at fault?
Leslie Knope: Because we want them to believe us and not laugh really hard at a ridiculous science fiction scenario.

Quote from Leslie Knope

Ron Swanson: We are not saying I was the problem. If we're gonna lie to them, I will not let you lie to them.
Leslie Knope: Fine! I'll tell them that for the past three years, you've been a perfect gentleman and scholar, and I am an insane weirdo who, despite being the only reason we even had a friendship to begin with, decided to ruin it out of the blue for no good reason.
Ron Swanson: That sounds good. Let's go with that.
Ron Swanson: What are you doing?
Leslie Knope: I destroyed the monitor!
Ron Swanson: What if we have an emergency and have to get out of here?
Leslie Knope: I did not consider that possibility!

Quote from Ron Swanson

Leslie Knope: Everything's different. I mean, the furniture, the pictures. Craig changed everything.
Ron Swanson: Did he? I tried not to notice anything when I worked here. Or talk to anyone. Or learn anyone's name. You, of all people, should know that, Lauren.

Quote from Ron Swanson

Leslie Knope: Look, we are gonna be here for ten hours. We could either talk about our issues and work through our problems, or we can just sit here doing nothing.
Ron Swanson: I choose "sit here."
Leslie Knope: Come on, Ron, why don't we just--
Ron Swanson: Sit here.
Leslie Knope: Ron.
Ron Swanson: Sit here.
Leslie Knope: I bet I can make you talk.
Ron Swanson: I'll take that bet at any odds, for any amount of money, over any length of time stretching from now into infinity.

Quote from Leslie Knope

Ron Swanson: So... what would you like to talk about?
Leslie Knope: Oh, come on, Ron. We were friends for ten years.
Ron Swanson: We were work proximity associates.
Leslie Knope: We were friends. And now we're not. And once again, it is up to me to save our friendship, and I will do so using the most powerful tool known to man: a well-organized chart. Three years ago, I accept a job at National Parks. You and I see each other less, admittedly, due to my busy schedule and your utter lack of interest in maintaining adult friendships.
Ron Swanson: Work proximity associate-ships.
Leslie Knope: Three months later, April comes to work for me. We throw her a party. At her request, the party's theme is "Zombie Teenage Biker Gang Pizza Jamboree."
Ron Swanson: I remember. You made me wear a leather jacket.
Leslie Knope: That is the last time you and I see each other for more than five minutes. Three months later, you come and visit me at my office on the third floor for the very first time. One week later, I return from a trip, and I find out you have quit the Parks Department and you have started your own building company without even bothering to tell me. "Oh, well," I think to myself. "You know, it was only a matter of time." And then, two months after that, Morningstar, the final twist of the knife.
Ron Swanson: Oh, for God's sake.

Quote from Leslie Knope

Leslie Knope: I hear about Morningstar, and I calmly saunter down to your office and attempt to have a rational discussion with you about it.
[flashback:]
Leslie Knope: What the hell, Ron? You're building your stupid building on the block next to Pawnee Commons? The park that I built from scratch out of a pit? This building is gonna ruin the views, you jerk. And you're gonna tear all the houses down?
Ron Swanson: Yes.
Leslie Knope: Ann lived there, Ron. That's Ann's old house. That's my best friend's old house. That was the house where I put on my wedding dress the night I got married. That is the house where April and Andy met for the first time. That is the house where Ann gave me my first ever smoky eye look.
Ron Swanson: She hasn't lived there for five years.
Leslie Knope: That's not the point. This building is a monstrosity. And what's it called? Morningstar? [British accent] "Oh, dear. We live at the Morningstar. That's so posh and hibbley-fibbley-gibbley."
Ron Swanson: The world needs apartment buildings. The park you built is nice, and people want to live next to it.
Leslie Knope: That's not the point. You knew that I would be furious, and you didn't have the guts to tell me yourself. Enjoy your new job, Judas.

Quote from Ron Swanson

Ron Swanson: How many more questions are you going to ask me?
Leslie Knope: As many as I need to to solve this mystery and get us engaged in a deep and stimulating conversation about our friendship. Ron, what are you doing?
Ron Swanson: I know I saw it. Aha! Detonator. The partially defused claymore mine you gave me ten years ago. I'm gonna use it to blow a hole in this damn door so I can get out of here.
Leslie Knope: Ron, just wait a second.
Ron Swanson: No. I'm being held as a prisoner against my will, and I have the right, as a citizen of the United States, to blow a hole in that [bleep] door and walk out as a free man. It's in the Constitution.
Leslie Knope: There's no cursing in the Constitution.

Quote from Leslie Knope

Leslie Knope: Look, before you do that--
Ron Swanson: Too late. Here we go. Fire in the hole!
[For He's a Jolly Good Fellow plays]
Leslie Knope: Whoo! I gave you that as a gift on your fifth anniversary as Parks director.
Ron Swanson: You told me this was a genuine partially defused claymore mine.
Leslie Knope: Well, it was. I bought the empty shell off of eBay, and then I filled it with, you know, balloons and confetti and such.
Ron Swanson: You mean to tell me I have had a toy on my desk for ten years?
Leslie Knope: You mean to tell me you've thought you've thought you had an actual land mine on your desk?
Leslie Knope: [on recording] Congratulations, Ron. You've been doing an explosive job!
Leslie Knope: [laughs] Come on, Ron. It's funny stuff.

Quote from Ron Swanson

Ron Swanson: Please, Mr. Janitor. If you just look over here for two seconds, I'll do anything.
Leslie Knope: Hey!
Ron Swanson: I'll watch a foreign film. I'll talk to a man with a ponytail.
Leslie Knope: Oh, he's gone, Ron. He's gone.

Quote from Ron Swanson

Ron Swanson: Should be one more thing in that file.
Leslie Knope: Aw, it's the thank-you note I wrote to you after the interview. You kept it. "Dear Mr. Swanson, I'm sorry for raising my voice in the interview, and I'm sorry I called you a heartless thug." Oh, well, okay. There you go. "If it matters, I promise I would never raise my voice at you if we worked together."
Ron Swanson: Liar.
Leslie Knope: Yeah, I was being really optimistic. "Please enjoy these homemade brownies as a gesture of goodwill. Leslie Knope."
Ron Swanson: That was the real reason I hired you. Those brownies were damn good.

Quote from Leslie Knope

Leslie Knope: Ron, look how far we've come. We're doing so great. Let's just bring it home, okay? Let's just talk about our issues.
Ron Swanson: Leslie, don't push it.
Leslie Knope: Okay, fine. If I guess and guess right, you have to tell me. Ready? [snaps] Two years ago, you found out you were 1/4 French, and you had a nervous breakdown.
Ron Swanson: Okay, playtime is over. I'm getting out of here once and for all.
Leslie Knope: No, Ron! God, no! [Ron pulls the fire alarm] That alarm is just for sprinklers. April kept pulling it, so the fire department disconnected it.
Ron Swanson: I see.

Quote from Leslie Knope

Leslie Knope: Ron? I found some towels. You okay? [laughs] Wow.
Ron Swanson: Apparently, Craig is studying yoga. These are the only dry clothes I could find.
Leslie Knope: Well, you look great.
Ron Swanson: I feel extremely angry.
Leslie Knope: Oh, come on. Stop whining, you big baby. I've seen you with your eyebrows blown off. I've seen you without a mustache. I've seen it all. There's nowhere to run, Ron. You have tried every possible means of escape. There's nothing to do but talk.

Quote from Ron Swanson

Ron Swanson: Then a month later, you took Terry with you.
Leslie Knope: Yeah, well, we needed a mindless factotum, and he's the best there is.
Ron Swanson: Amen. Then you took April. I didn't want her to go, as she had become one of my closest workplace acquaintances. But your offer was too good to pass up, so I didn't try to stop her. Then Tom left to run his business. Donna left to run hers. One day, I looked up. Just didn't recognize anyone. So I made a decision. An unthinkable decision.

Quote from Ron Swanson

Leslie Knope: Oh. Oh, no. Ron, I stood you up for lunch.
Ron Swanson: You did, yes. I waited for a while, but it was pretty easy to figure out what had happened. Your life seemed pretty hectic.
Leslie Knope: Is that the rest of the story? That I stood you up? You were going to ask me something. That's why you wanted to have lunch. Ron, you were going--
Ron Swanson: I was gonna ask you for a job. In the federal government. Just saying it out loud feels dirty.
Leslie Knope: You missed your friends, and you wanted to come up to the third floor and work with us again. [sighs] I can't even imagine how hard that must have been for you. God, why didn't I see that? Ron, I am so sorry. I should've been a better friend to you.

Quote from Leslie Knope

Leslie Knope: [sings] It's got a new queen Everybody really mean We didn't start the fire
Ron Swanson: [plays saxophone]
Leslie Knope: It was always burning since the world's been turning
Ben: Well, this is different from what I expected to find.

Quote from Ron Swanson

Ron Swanson: Hello.
Leslie Knope: Ron! Ron, Ron, Ron, Ron, Ron.
Ron Swanson: We just spent 12 hours together, woman.
Leslie Knope: Mm, don't care. I have three years' worth of hugs to force upon you against your will.
Ron Swanson: I have a small object for you. Call it an official peace offering, I suppose.
Leslie Knope: Wow. This is very sweet. But you do realize I gave you this picture six hours ago.
Ron Swanson: The frame is the gift. When my company took on the Morningstar development, and I realized it meant bulldozing Ann's old house, I salvaged her front door. Then I stripped off all the terrible paint and lacquer - people really don't know how to finish wood properly - and I made it into this frame for you in the event that you and I ever...
Leslie Knope: Ron. You big, fat, giant sap.
Ron Swanson: That seems unnecessary.


 Episode 703 Episode 705 
  Select another episode