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‘Animal Control’ Quotes

Parks and Recreation: Animal Control

518. Animal Control

Aired April 11, 2013

After Chris fires the incompetent Animal Control department, Leslie wants the council to do a thorough search for replacements. Meanwhile, Ann cares for a sick Ron who resists seeking help, and Ben, Tom and Andy try to raise money for the charity.

Quote from Ron Swanson

Ron Swanson: I'd like to object again to being brought here against my will.
Ann: Okay, I'm just gonna double-check your form here. Ron! You redacted all the information.
Ron Swanson: I answered some of them.
Ann: For "date of birth," you wrote "springtime."
Ron Swanson: Which is true.

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Quote from Ron Swanson

Ron Swanson: Before you begin, a few ground rules. I need you to explain everything you do before you do it, so I can determine whether I will allow you-- [Dr. Harris puts a tongue depressor in Ron's mouth] Oh! Ugh! Balsa wood? You could at least use mahogany.

Quote from Ron Swanson

Ann: Hey, you look better. I guess actual medicine can be effective. Who'da thunk?
Ron Swanson: Please leave me alone.
Ann: Not until we go over your test results and your blood work. Your blood pressure looks fine. I'm not sure how this is possible, but your cholesterol is 120, which is the lowest I've ever seen.
Ron Swanson: What's "cholesterol"?
Ann: And the only problem I see is that your potassium's low, so just eat a banana once in awhile.
Ron Swanson: No, thank you. I live the way I live, I eat the things I eat, and I'll die the way I'll die.
Ann: That's oddly beautiful... but also stupid. You're not alone in the world anymore, Ron. You're dating a woman who has two kids, so every three days, think about Ivy and Zoe and Diane, and eat a damn banana.

Quote from Ron Swanson

Ann: Ron, you've been sweating in here all day. Are you drinking any fluids?
Ron Swanson: Yes, plenty.
Ann: No, you need to drink water.
Ron Swanson: Usually, I take it neat, but I will make an exception in the name of health. [adds ice cube to scotch]
[aside to camera:]
Ron Swanson: Last night, I watched a movie with Diane and the girls in which an orange fish is separated from his father. The children were sniffling, which I believed to be due to the sad nature of the film. I was wrong.

Quote from Ron Swanson

Ann: You need to take off those layers, rehydrate, and go to the doctor.
Ron Swanson: Thank you for your concern, I will be fine. Please turn the thermostat up to 90 and leave me alone.
Ann: Ron, this isn't safe.
Ron Swanson: I am a grown man. I have had a cold before, I need no help, so if you don't mind- [falls down]
Ann: That seems about right.

Quote from Ron Swanson

Ann: How many drinks of alcohol do you consume a week?
Ron Swanson: One.
Ann: That's it, one drink?
Ron Swanson: One shelf.
Ann: Do you exercise?
Ron Swanson: Yes. Lovemaking and woodworking.
Ann: Do you have any history of mental illness in your family?
Ron Swanson: I have an uncle who does yoga.
Ann: Allergies?
Ron Swanson: Cowardice and weak-willed men. And hazelnuts.
Ann: Sexual history.
Ron Swanson: Epic and private.
Ann: Okay. I'm gonna go get your doctor. He's a rude, brash jerk. You'll love him.

Quote from Tom

Dennis Feinstein: Snooze. You guys ever been fox hunting? I have my own foxes flown in from Russia. We drug them pretty heavily so they can't get very far. In fact, mostly, they just flop around on the ground. Makes it easier to just walk up and "pow!" [laughs] Stupid foxes. It's deeply erotic.
Tom: That sounds amazing.
Dennis Feinstein: We should go hunting sometime.
Tom: I'd love to. I could bust out my Ralph Lauren Fall 2010 collection. Copped it in 2012. Clearance rack!
Dennis Feinstein: Wear whatever you want, as long as it's not too bright or reflective. You know, I want you blending in to the surroundings. How fast can you run?
[aside to camera:]
Tom: I think that guy wants to hunt me.

Quote from April

Leslie Knope: Don't panic. Maybe she can pull this off.
April: I guess my first move as director would be to fill your office, house, and car with snakes, and then train a crow to fly up your butt.
Leslie Knope: Okay! Let's take a brief recess.

Quote from Chris

Leslie Knope: Well, that was a truly depressing slate of candidates.
Chris: I think you've got several options. They're all terrible, but you have them.

Quote from Leslie Knope

Harris: Welcome to Animal Control. Let me show you around. Those are some chairs. That's a cat or opossum. Oh, this is a napkin where I wrote down a cool name for a dog. "Bark Obama." [laughs] Right?
Leslie Knope: Is that-- What's happening here?
Brett: Oh. Yo. Yeah. We found this bird outside. We tried to turn it into a work whistle, like in the beginning of The Flintstones. Tougher than it looked, though.
[aside to camera:]
Leslie Knope: We have a massive pest problem in this town, and it's because the Animal Control Department has been disaster... at catching animals. They're great at ingesting and selling marijuana.

Quote from Ben

Tom: Okay, pop quiz. Name the scent.
Ben: Uh, "Spasm." No, "Butter Face"!
Tom: Very good!
Ben: Yes!
[aside to camera:]
Ben: I'm trying to get more big companies to donate to the Sweetums Foundation, and Tom got us a meeting with Dennis Feinstein, Pawnee's premiere manufacturer of perfumes and cologne. [sprays cologne] Oh! Or possibly, insecticide. Whew!

Quote from Ben

Dennis Feinstein: I'm gonna cut right to the chase. I don't like charity. I don't get it. Feels to me like I'm giving money away, and getting nothing in return.
Ben: Well, that's not true. You can really help your personal brand if you show that you're a mogul that gives as much as he gets.
Dennis Feinstein: If I give as much as I get, I'm giving $20 million. Ay yi yi. [laughs] That's how much I'm worth, 20...million...dollars. [laughs]
Ben: Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. [laughs]
[aside to camera:]
Ben: Ah, he's disgusting, but I want to take his money and give it to needy people, so I'm just gonna keep on smiling. Yay! [forced laugh]

Quote from Leslie Knope

Leslie Knope: Hello, Orin. Thank you so much for applying, now leave.
April: Hey, give him a chance. What makes you qualified for animal control?
Orin: I studied zoology in college, and I can control animals with my mind.
Leslie Knope: Get out.
Orin: I made you say that.
Chris: I liked him.

Quote from Ron Swanson

Dr. Harris: There's something occluding your ear.
Ron Swanson: It's sawdust. Just blow.

Quote from Ron Swanson

Dr. Harris: You've got strep throat. I'm writing you a prescription for penicillin.
Ann: We'll have the rest of your test results in about 20 minutes. Cholesterol--
Ron Swanson: Not interested. Good day.
Dr. Harris: Wish all patients were like that. It's really annoying when they ask questions.

Quote from Ben

Dennis Feinstein: You know, they claim that smoking is bad for you, but is there any medical evidence to back that up?
Tom: Great point.
Ben: So the Sweetums Foundation has really accomplished a lot recently. Our health care outreach program has reduced pink eye in the rural community by 30%... to 70%.

Quote from April

Leslie Knope: April, I got a present for you.
April: I don't like lotion. I like my hands to be cracked and calloused like a railway worker.
Leslie Knope: I know. I filled the bottles with fake blood, vinegar, and mud.
April: Really? Thanks.

Quote from April

Leslie Knope: April, I have a gift for you. Ta da.
Chris: At Leslie's suggestion, I have made you deputy director of Animal Control within the Parks Department. You'll be amazing at it, and the best part, there is no confirmation hearing.
April: How did you make this plaque so quickly?
Leslie Knope: I had it made your first week here. I knew you'd be going places, so I wanted to be prepared.
April: Can I hire an intern?
Leslie Knope: Not yet.
April: Can I hire a Mexican elf?
Leslie Knope: No.
April: Can I buy a child bride?
Leslie Knope: No.
April: Then how is this even a promotion?


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