Ron Swanson: I'd like to object again to being brought here against my will.
Ann: Okay, I'm just gonna double-check your form here. Ron! You redacted all the information.
Ron Swanson: I answered some of them.
Ann: For "date of birth," you wrote "springtime."
Ron Swanson: Which is true.

Ann: Hey, you look better. I guess actual medicine can be effective. Who'da thunk?
Ron Swanson: Please leave me alone.
Ann: Not until we go over your test results and your blood work. Your blood pressure looks fine. I'm not sure how this is possible, but your cholesterol is 120, which is the lowest I've ever seen.
Ron Swanson: What's "cholesterol"?
Ann: And the only problem I see is that your potassium's low, so just eat a banana once in awhile.
Ron Swanson: No, thank you. I live the way I live, I eat the things I eat, and I'll die the way I'll die.
Ann: That's oddly beautiful... but also stupid. You're not alone in the world anymore, Ron. You're dating a woman who has two kids, so every three days, think about Ivy and Zoe and Diane, and eat a damn banana.

Ron Swanson: Before you begin, a few ground rules. I need you to explain everything you do before you do it, so I can determine whether I will allow you-- [Dr. Harris puts a tongue depressor in Ron's mouth] Oh! Ugh! Balsa wood? You could at least use mahogany.

Ann: Ron, you've been sweating in here all day. Are you drinking any fluids?
Ron Swanson: Yes, plenty.
Ann: No, you need to drink water.
Ron Swanson: Usually, I take it neat, but I will make an exception in the name of health. [adds ice cube to scotch]
[aside to camera:]
Ron Swanson: Last night, I watched a movie with Diane and the girls in which an orange fish is separated from his father. The children were sniffling, which I believed to be due to the sad nature of the film. I was wrong.

Ann: How many drinks of alcohol do you consume a week?
Ron Swanson: One.
Ann: That's it, one drink?
Ron Swanson: One shelf.
Ann: Do you exercise?
Ron Swanson: Yes. Lovemaking and woodworking.
Ann: Do you have any history of mental illness in your family?
Ron Swanson: I have an uncle who does yoga.
Ann: Allergies?
Ron Swanson: Cowardice and weak-willed men. And hazelnuts.
Ann: Sexual history.
Ron Swanson: Epic and private.
Ann: Okay. I'm gonna go get your doctor. He's a rude, brash jerk. You'll love him.

Ann: You need to take off those layers, rehydrate, and go to the doctor.
Ron Swanson: Thank you for your concern, I will be fine. Please turn the thermostat up to 90 and leave me alone.
Ann: Ron, this isn't safe.
Ron Swanson: I am a grown man. I have had a cold before, I need no help, so if you don't mind- [falls down]
Ann: That seems about right.

Dennis Feinstein: Snooze. You guys ever been fox hunting? I have my own foxes flown in from Russia. We drug them pretty heavily so they can't get very far. In fact, mostly, they just flop around on the ground. Makes it easier to just walk up and "pow!" [laughs] Stupid foxes. It's deeply erotic.
Tom: That sounds amazing.
Dennis Feinstein: We should go hunting sometime.
Tom: I'd love to. I could bust out my Ralph Lauren Fall 2010 collection. Copped it in 2012. Clearance rack!
Dennis Feinstein: Wear whatever you want, as long as it's not too bright or reflective. You know, I want you blending in to the surroundings. How fast can you run?
[aside to camera:]
Tom: I think that guy wants to hunt me.

Leslie Knope: Don't panic. Maybe she can pull this off.
April: I guess my first move as director would be to fill your office, house, and car with snakes, and then train a crow to fly up your butt.
Leslie Knope: Okay! Let's take a brief recess.

Leslie Knope: Well, that was a truly depressing slate of candidates.
Chris: I think you've got several options. They're all terrible, but you have them.

Dr. Harris: There's something occluding your ear.
Ron Swanson: It's sawdust. Just blow.