Ben: I think that job's perfect for April. We just have to convince Barney to give her a shot. I mean, first problem, she's not as qualified as the other applicants.
Andy: Simple solution. I break into her college and I change her degree to accounting. Easy. On my way out, look up at the blackboard, what is that? Impossible math equation? I solve it. X equals Y, obviously. Professor comes up to me and says, "I've been working on that for 50 years. Why don't you accept this math trophy?" By the time he turns around, I'm gone.

Ron Swanson: Come on, let me show you around. This is a door. These, of course, are walls. What else? What else? Ah! Meet our Vice President, Don Swanson. Don, this is Andrew and Benjamin.
Don Swanson: Pleasure to meet you.
Ben: Is this your brother? You have a brother.
Ron Swanson: No. Fine. Yes. I suppose the cat's out of the bag. I have a brother. One brother.
Ben: All those years together at the Parks Department and you never told us you had a brother.
Don Swanson: You worked at the Parks Department?
Ron Swanson: Tour's over!

Andy: Well don't fret, cookie. We've made progress, haven't we? We got a whole list of all the things you need out of a new job. Apple juice, barbecue sauce, Count Chocula-- Wait. Oh, sorry, that's the list of cool new nicknames I want people to call me.

John McCain: Yeah, well, I can't do that right now. [sees Leslie] Oh, boy. I'll call you back.
Leslie Knope: Hello, Senator. Do you have a minute to chat?
John McCain: Oh, I can't right now. I've got a meeting.
Leslie Knope: Well, actually, I checked with your staff and they said that you have a free half hour.
John McCain: Did anyone ever tell you that your tenacity can be intimidating?
Leslie Knope: Yes. Every month of my life since fourth grade. Now, let's talk about national parks.

Leslie Knope: You know, it's just so frustrating. I mean, I love her, but, you know, you spend so much time and effort on someone's life and she's just gonna quit on me? It's like, what's the point, you know?
Madeleine Albright: Wow, Leslie. I haven't seen you this upset since you almost forgot Ann's half-birthday.
Leslie Knope: Yeah.
Madeleine Albright: Tell me. How many times have we had lunch?
Leslie Knope: Five. Well, eight, if you count all those times I showed up unannounced at your office with mini-muffins.
Madeleine Albright: And why have we had lunch so many times?
Leslie Knope: Well, because, when I knew I would be coming to Washington to work, I wore you down until you agreed to become my friend.
Madeleine Albright: I'm so glad that you did. And you are wonderful friend, but, sometimes you're so focused and driven that you forget about people's feelings.
Leslie Knope: Ah, pfft! Name one time I've done that.
Madeleine Albright: Well, you were so wrapped up in your story that you actually ate my waffle. Sometimes, all you can do is give people a little bit of advice and a push, but you have to realize April has to be able to make up her own mind.
Leslie Knope: Ah, you're right... once again, Madeleine Albright.
Madeleine Albright: Can I have my pin back now?
Leslie Knope: Oh! Oh, yeah, sorry. Thank you for letting me wear it. Just makes me feel very powerful.
Madeleine Albright: Me too.

Andy: So, long story short, we might have found you the perfect job but also I might have blown it. Ben and Ron are there now to try to fix it. And if they don't, I feel like it's kind of on them.
April: Everyone is being so nice to me lately. It's weird. I feel like I need to take a shower in pig's blood to wash all the niceness off me.

Andy: Would she have an opportunity to practice any creative problem solving?
Ron Swanson: Creativity is for people with glasses who like to lie. Although, I suppose she could use creative ways to organize and stack the vinyl sheeting. No, that's insane. We use the Towsend method. It's tried and true.
Ben: I think this might be a dead end.
Ron Swanson: I think you might be right. But getting a good person out of government is a worthwhile endeavor. I will help, but first I'm gonna need some grub.

Ben: Okay, so, we make her an actual resume then put on a big presentation. Show Barney that she's more than qualified. Gonna need all hands on deck. That's Craig, Donna, and most importantly--
Ron Swanson: Please no.
Andy: Come on, don't do it.
Ben: Oh, you wanna photocopy? You guys want to do all the mindless work? Yeah, I didn't think so. [over intercom] Get me Garry Gergich.

Leslie Knope: Thank you for coming.
April: Yeah, well, I had to miss the memorable rain gutters of Washington walking tour, so, this better be good.
Leslie Knope: I'm sorry I blew up at you yesterday. I really want all of my friends to be happy together, but, more importantly, I just want them to be happy. If you feel like you need to move on, I totally get it.
April: [long exhale] Okay. Turn around.
Leslie Knope: What? Why?
April: Because I'm about to say something serious and I can't do it if I have to look you in the eye. Please.
Leslie Knope: Okay.
April: Now take your shoes off and wear them like mittens.
Leslie Knope: April.
April: Okay, sorry. When I started working for you, I was aimless and just thought everything was stupid and lame, and you turned me into someone with goals and ambition, which is really the only reason why I'm even thinking about what I really want. I just... wanna say thank you. And I love you very much. Which is why I have decided not to turn you into a sea urchin, which I could do, because I am an actual witch with powers and I'm evil I know... and I hate everything.
Leslie Knope: I know you do. I know. Thank you, April.

Ben: Well, I never thought I'd say this, but I think I know what's going on in your head.
April: Oh, well then, welcome to the terror dome.
Ben: Okay, you need to tell Leslie that you want to leave your job.
April: No. She freaks out when anything changes. One time Andy told her that I was getting rid of my bangs and she called 911.
Ben: Okay, well, I can't keep your secret much longer. Anytime your name comes up, I panic and change the subject to the Twin Peaks reboot 'til she gets bored.
April: So you talk for one second?