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‘Ms. Ludgate-Dwyer Goes to Washington’ Quotes

Parks and Recreation: Ms. Ludgate-Dwyer Goes to Washington

708. Ms. Ludgate-Dwyer Goes to Washington

Aired February 10, 2015

As April joins Leslie in Washington, D.C. to push for more national parks funding, Ben, Andy and Ron try to find April a new job.

Quote from Andy

Ben: I think that job's perfect for April. We just have to convince Barney to give her a shot. I mean, first problem, she's not as qualified as the other applicants.
Andy: Simple solution. I break into her college and I change her degree to accounting. Easy. On my way out, look up at the blackboard, what is that? Impossible math equation? I solve it. X equals Y, obviously. Professor comes up to me and says, "I've been working on that for 50 years. Why don't you accept this math trophy?" By the time he turns around, I'm gone.

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Quote from Andy

Andy: Well don't fret, cookie. We've made progress, haven't we? We got a whole list of all the things you need out of a new job. Apple juice, barbecue sauce, Count Chocula-- Wait. Oh, sorry, that's the list of cool new nicknames I want people to call me.

Quote from Ron Swanson

Ron Swanson: Come on, let me show you around. This is a door. These, of course, are walls. What else? What else? Ah! Meet our Vice President, Don Swanson. Don, this is Andrew and Benjamin.
Don Swanson: Pleasure to meet you.
Ben: Is this your brother? You have a brother.
Ron Swanson: No. Fine. Yes. I suppose the cat's out of the bag. I have a brother. One brother.
Ben: All those years together at the Parks Department and you never told us you had a brother.
Don Swanson: You worked at the Parks Department?
Ron Swanson: Tour's over!

Quote from Leslie Knope

John McCain: Yeah, well, I can't do that right now. [sees Leslie] Oh, boy. I'll call you back.
Leslie Knope: Hello, Senator. Do you have a minute to chat?
John McCain: Oh, I can't right now. I've got a meeting.
Leslie Knope: Well, actually, I checked with your staff and they said that you have a free half hour.
John McCain: Did anyone ever tell you that your tenacity can be intimidating?
Leslie Knope: Yes. Every month of my life since fourth grade. Now, let's talk about national parks.

Quote from Leslie Knope

Leslie Knope: You know, it's just so frustrating. I mean, I love her, but, you know, you spend so much time and effort on someone's life and she's just gonna quit on me? It's like, what's the point, you know?
Madeleine Albright: Wow, Leslie. I haven't seen you this upset since you almost forgot Ann's half-birthday.
Leslie Knope: Yeah.
Madeleine Albright: Tell me. How many times have we had lunch?
Leslie Knope: Five. Well, eight, if you count all those times I showed up unannounced at your office with mini-muffins.
Madeleine Albright: And why have we had lunch so many times?
Leslie Knope: Well, because, when I knew I would be coming to Washington to work, I wore you down until you agreed to become my friend.
Madeleine Albright: I'm so glad that you did. And you are wonderful friend, but, sometimes you're so focused and driven that you forget about people's feelings.
Leslie Knope: Ah, pfft! Name one time I've done that.
Madeleine Albright: Well, you were so wrapped up in your story that you actually ate my waffle. Sometimes, all you can do is give people a little bit of advice and a push, but you have to realize April has to be able to make up her own mind.
Leslie Knope: Ah, you're right... once again, Madeleine Albright.
Madeleine Albright: Can I have my pin back now?
Leslie Knope: Oh! Oh, yeah, sorry. Thank you for letting me wear it. Just makes me feel very powerful.
Madeleine Albright: Me too.

Quote from April

Andy: So, long story short, we might have found you the perfect job but also I might have blown it. Ben and Ron are there now to try to fix it. And if they don't, I feel like it's kind of on them.
April: Everyone is being so nice to me lately. It's weird. I feel like I need to take a shower in pig's blood to wash all the niceness off me.

Quote from Ben

Ben: Well, I never thought I'd say this, but I think I know what's going on in your head.
April: Oh, well then, welcome to the terror dome.
Ben: Okay, you need to tell Leslie that you want to leave your job.
April: No. She freaks out when anything changes. One time Andy told her that I was getting rid of my bangs and she called 911.
Ben: Okay, well, I can't keep your secret much longer. Anytime your name comes up, I panic and change the subject to the Twin Peaks reboot 'til she gets bored.
April: So you talk for one second?

Quote from Andy

April: How can I tell her I'm leaving when I don't even know what job I want? Babe, I wish you were coming with me.
[aside to camera:]
Andy: I just decided what I am going to do while April is out of town. I'm going to round up the team and find her a new job. [on the phone] Yeah, Ben Wyatt please? Tell him it's Count Chocula. Uh, no it's Andrew Dwyer. I'm sorry.

Quote from Andy

Andy: Well, both me and Ben are trying to help April find a new job, and we thought maybe she could work for you. I feel like it would be a perfect fit. Although, I don't know exactly what you guys do here. I'm guessing... it's a business? Assassins? Hit men? Doctors. You guys are doctors.
Ron Swanson: We build things.

Quote from Ron Swanson

Andy: Would she have an opportunity to practice any creative problem solving?
Ron Swanson: Creativity is for people with glasses who like to lie. Although, I suppose she could use creative ways to organize and stack the vinyl sheeting. No, that's insane. We use the Towsend method. It's tried and true.
Ben: I think this might be a dead end.
Ron Swanson: I think you might be right. But getting a good person out of government is a worthwhile endeavor. I will help, but first I'm gonna need some grub.

Quote from Andy

Andy: Ooh, yeah! Let's grab some lunch and some ice cream! Then maybe some after ice cream tacos? We'll just brainstorm and maybe grab some snacks.

Quote from Leslie Knope

April: And we hope you agree that this is the best plan to preserve national parks' funding into the next decade.
Barbara Boxer: Well, so Leslie, what do you think? Is--is this the right move?
Leslie Knope: Well, I think it's the only move, Senator Boxer. I don't think this chance is gonna come around again.
Barbara Boxer: Well, you know, if it's good with Leslie, it's good with me.
Leslie Knope: Well, I have another great idea. How about you and me, April, Randy, historical lamp posts of D.C.? Walking tour starts in 15 minutes.
Barbara Boxer: Sounds great, but, uh, I do have an appointment with the President.
Leslie Knope: Can we come?

Quote from Leslie Knope

Randy: So we think we can keep costs down and still meet deadlines.
Kirsten Gillibrand: You know, I have to say I'm really impressed with what you guys are doing over at Interior.
Leslie Knope: Thank you, Senator Gillibrand, we really appreciate your support. Would you mind signing a copy of your book?
Kirsten Gillibrand: Oh, of course, of course.
Leslie Knope: I took the liberty of writing the inscription. All you have to do is sign.
Kirsten Gillibrand: "To Leslie, my inspiration, my muse, my partner in crime. I owe it all to you."
Leslie Knope: And there's room for a P.S. if you feel there's more you left out.
Kirsten Gillibrand: Well, I think I've said all I wanna say right here.
Leslie Knope: Okay.
Kirsten Gillibrand: Okay.

Quote from Leslie Knope

Leslie Knope: Well, I just have to say I'm very surprised that the two of you are seeing eye to eye on this one.
Orrin Hatch: Well, Senator Booker and I are both concerned about our nation's resources. And that absolutely includes our national parks.
Cory Booker: But that's not all we have in common. In fact, our real passion is...
Both: Polynesian folk music.
Leslie Knope: W- What?
Orrin Hatch: Polynesian folk music. Our band is playing in Georgetown tonight if you'd like to come. We're called "Across the Isle."
Cory Booker: Did you get that? Aisle? Isle? Like an island and then across the aisle, the political aisle. It's like a pun. It's a play on words.
Leslie Knope: I do get it.
Cory Booker: Are you sure?
April: We are definitely coming to this.
Orrin Hatch: It's $8.00 if you buy your tickets now. It's $10.00 at the door.
Cory Booker: Fiscal conservative. Love this guy. Love this guy.
Orrin Hatch: Yeah.

Quote from Andy

Ron Swanson: April Ludgate Dwyer. She worked on the Gryzzl deal that you guys did the finances for.
Ben: Now, I know that you're opening up a consulting wing, and we just think that April would be a great hire.
Andy: Yeah, and here's the thing, Barney. We're obviously very familiar with what consulting is but why don't you go ahead and tell my friends here, because I don't think that they know.
Barney: Well, it's really about finding creative solutions to difficult problems. Now, a lot of times there's firings, so... consultants aren't exactly well liked.
Andy: Holy crap. This is the job for her, I can feel it. She'll take it! Now let's talk perks. Does she get the summers off? Is it like school?
Ron Swanson: Son.
Barney: Well, what did she major in? Economics? Accounting?
Andy: She designed her own major. "Halloween Studies."

Quote from Leslie Knope

Randy: So, anyway, the good news for you is we'd like to promote you to Deputy Director of Operations and Interior.
Leslie Knope: Wow.
Randy: You'd have to move to D.C. and you have to complete the Senior Executive Service Candidate Development program.
Leslie Knope: I have to enroll in S.E.S.C.D.P.? 44 weeks of intensive courses and note taking? Um, it's a dream come true.
Randy: And I have to warn you, there'll be a confirmation hearing.
Leslie Knope: A confirmation hearing? A freaking confirmation hearing? Excuse me a second. [using her drink as a microphone] What's that? Mm-hmm, mm-hmm. Um, to the best of my recollection, yes, I accept the job.

Quote from Ron Swanson

Ron Swanson: We need to highlight April's strengths. I thought we could update her resume. This is the one she applied to Parks with. It's just a signed photograph of a puppet named Alf.

Quote from Ben

Ben: Okay, so, we make her an actual resume then put on a big presentation. Show Barney that she's more than qualified. Gonna need all hands on deck. That's Craig, Donna, and most importantly--
Ron Swanson: Please no.
Andy: Come on, don't do it.
Ben: Oh, you wanna photocopy? You guys want to do all the mindless work? Yeah, I didn't think so. [over intercom] Get me Garry Gergich.

Quote from Jerry

Jerry: Okay, copies are made. Um, everything has been collated and stapled. And all the research has been double-checked. [laughs] I went through quite a few staples.

Quote from Craig

Craig: I added a personal testimony vouching for April's brilliance. And this guy better appreciate it because I do not compare people to Mary J. Blige lightly.
Donna: Uh, no one should. [fist bump]
Craig: Do you want to go to dinner tonight?
Donna: I do not.
Craig: Respect.
Jerry: I'm free.
Craig: I have plans.

Quote from April

Leslie Knope: Thank you for coming.
April: Yeah, well, I had to miss the memorable rain gutters of Washington walking tour, so, this better be good.
Leslie Knope: I'm sorry I blew up at you yesterday. I really want all of my friends to be happy together, but, more importantly, I just want them to be happy. If you feel like you need to move on, I totally get it.
April: [long exhale] Okay. Turn around.
Leslie Knope: What? Why?
April: Because I'm about to say something serious and I can't do it if I have to look you in the eye. Please.
Leslie Knope: Okay.
April: Now take your shoes off and wear them like mittens.
Leslie Knope: April.
April: Okay, sorry. When I started working for you, I was aimless and just thought everything was stupid and lame, and you turned me into someone with goals and ambition, which is really the only reason why I'm even thinking about what I really want. I just... wanna say thank you. And I love you very much. Which is why I have decided not to turn you into a sea urchin, which I could do, because I am an actual witch with powers and I'm evil I know... and I hate everything.
Leslie Knope: I know you do. I know. Thank you, April.

Quote from Ben

Ron Swanson: Please don't hold anything Andy did against April. She is an exceptional human being, who married a well-meaning goofball.
Ben: And I think that presentation we put together says it all.
Ron Swanson: All we're asking is that you meet with her and seriously consider her for the job.
Ben: And if she disappoints you, you can hold me... accountable. [Barney laughs] Right?
Barney: You know what? If her friends are trying this hard, there must be something amazing about her. Tell her I'll meet with her tomorrow--
Ben: Uh, hold on. [answers phone] April? Hey, we were just talking about you. We got some good news. Oh, boy. Okay. [hangs up] She doesn't want the job.
Barney: I see.
Ron Swanson: Well, this is uncomfortable.


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