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‘How a Bill Becomes a Law’ Quotes

Parks and Recreation: How a Bill Becomes a Law

503. How a Bill Becomes a Law

Aired October 4, 2012

Leslie is introduced to the world of political horse trading when she champions a bill which would keep the local pool open for longer. Chris launches a 311 phone service for residents to get help from the town council. Ron and Andy make a house call when a resident complains about a pot hole. Meanwhile, Ben and April set off on a road trip to Pawnee.

Quote from Leslie Knope

Leslie Knope: Hey, there you are. I miss you.
Ben: [on video chat] I miss you, too. Where are you?
Leslie Knope: I'm in my new city council office.
Ben: No way.
Leslie Knope: I know, do you like it?
Ben: I love it.
Leslie Knope: I love it, too. Check this out. Here is my wall of inspirational women.
Ben: Ah. Is that a picture of you?
Leslie Knope: Yes. I am big enough to admit that I am often inspired by myself. Here are my clocks. Pawnee and Washington D.C.
Ben: Same time zone.

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Quote from Ron Swanson

Ron Swanson: [answers phone] 311. Well, Diane, for potholes, you want to speak with Public Works. I understand you've tried them four times. Government is inefficient and should be dissolved. Please hold while I transfer you.

Quote from Leslie Knope

Leslie Knope: Councilman, I'd like to talk to you about the Fun In The Sun bill, and I don't mean to rush you, but the vote is in an hour.
Councilman Milton: When I'm done eating, we'll talk. I've eaten the same lunch for 58 years. Caesar salad, extra dressing, extra croutons, and extra anchovies.
Leslie Knope: Mmm.
[aside to camera:]
Leslie Knope: Councilman Milton was first elected as a city councilor in 1948, as a member of the Dixiecrat Party. Their platform? "De-integrate Baseball."

Quote from Tom

Councilman Milton: The secret is in the dressing. Try it. It's an aphrodisiac. You too, my strange, foreign friend.
Tom: No, thank you.
Leslie Knope: Tom, eat some.
Tom: I'm not eating racist salad.
Leslie Knope: The more we eat, the faster we talk.
Tom: Mmm.
Tom: You can really taste the ignorance.
Councilman Milton: It's pronounced "anchovies."

Quote from April

Ben: Good lord, it is hot.
April: [as Southern belle] Yes, mercy me. Living in this town's like living in the devil's butt crack.

Quote from Councilman Jamm

Leslie Knope: Oh, this is the coolest part ever. I have my own private bathroom.
Councilman Jamm: Occupied!
Leslie Knope: Oh my God.
Ben: [on video chat] Ugh.
Leslie Knope: Councilman Jamm. What are you doing in my bathroom?
Councilman Jamm: I don't known if i would call it your bathroom.
Leslie Knope: Its only door is in my office.
Councilman Jamm: I think it is crazy that the most junior city councilor gets a private bathroom just because she is a girl.
Leslie Knope: Excuse me?
Councilman Jamm: Let's solve this. Tell you what I'm going to do. I'm going to drop my liquids in here, take my solids down the hall. Deal?
Leslie Knope: No. No deal.
Councilman Jamm: Fine. Your loss.
Leslie Knope: How?

Quote from Donna

Chris: Fun fact about me. I recently began intensive psychotherapy. I may have mentioned that to you already.
Ron Swanson: Several times.
Chris: Well, like my therapist says, "You can't share too much or too often."
Jerry: You know, Gayle and I, we saw a couples therapist for a little while.
Chris: That's too much, Jerry.
Donna: For real. Keep us out your bedroom.

Quote from Chris

Chris: It used to be, when I was down, I called my mother. When I lacked self-confidence, I called my running coach. And now, no matter what emotion I'm feeling, I call one number: my therapist. I want to do the same thing for the city.
Andy: A psychotherapist for the city.
Chris: No, Andy. No. A 311 line. Citizens will call 311 for whatever problem they have. Uncollected garbage, broken streetlight, and we will direct them to the proper department.
Andy: Chris, great idea.
Chris: Thank you, Andy. I agree. I love this idea. And I love me for thinking of it. My therapist said that I need to be more vocal about appreciating myself. Thank you, Chris. You're welcome, Chris. I sound insane. I'm going to go talk to my therapist.

Quote from Joan Callamezzo

Joan Callamezzo: Welcome to Pawnee Today. I am first-rate newswoman Joan Callamezzo. Pawnee's City Council approval rate is at a dismal 3%. That's an all-time low. Yuck. Leslie, the city council has done very little over the past few years, and what they have accomplished, in my opinion, has been embarrassing. And that is a fact.
Leslie Knope: No, that's your opinion. That's the definition of an opinion.
Joan Callamezzo: Well, that's your opinion.
Leslie Knope: The city council has some political gridlock and some partisan bickering, but we're actually about to pass a bill - my bill - the Leslie Knope Fun In The Sun Act, which will extend public pool hours citywide.
Joan Callamezzo: [sarcastic laugh] Can you say, "big whoop"?

Quote from Leslie Knope

Leslie Knope: Okay, Pawnee Porpoises youth swim team, I have a question for you. What is your greatest accomplishment?
Tina: We came in fourth in the County swim meet last year.
Leslie Knope: Wrong, your greatest accomplishment is happening in two hours when this bill becomes law. [applause]
Tom: Yay.
Leslie Knope: I just want you to be very proud of yourselves, because this bill is going to start a long romance between the city and its government. Porpoise call! [imitating porpoise noise]
Tina: What are you doing?
Leslie Knope: I'm doing a porpoise call, which we used to do when I was part of your group, but it seems like you don't do it any more and that's fine. I'm not weird. Okay, everybody leave. I'll see you at the city council meeting.

Quote from April

April: Hey, are you busy? And writing Star Trek fan fiction does not count.
Ben: Ha ha ha.I... finished it last week. What's going on?
April: Um, I miss Andy. And you probably miss your lover, Chris.
Ben: Leslie.
April: I had an idea. It's Friday. Pawnee's only a ten-hour drive. Road trip?
Ben: Oh, I don't know, I was going to try to get a jump on some work this weekend.
April: Dude, 30 years from now, when you're on your deathbed, what are you going to remember? Organizing files or taking a spontaneous road trip to surprise Leslie?

Quote from Ben

Ben: [aside to camera] Oh, I'm excited to bond a little with April. She's like the little sister I never had. Because the little sister I do have is normal and not terrifying.
April: [mouths words to camera]

Quote from Ron Swanson

Ron Swanson: [answers phone] 311, how can I-- Oh, hello again, Diane. Nobody answered? Okay, you know what? Someone will be there shortly. [hangs up] Andrew, get your lunch, some water, and a 40-pound bag of asphalt.
Andy: Okay, boss. What are we doing?
Ron Swanson: We're fixing a pothole.

Quote from Donna

Jerry: Pawnee 311. How can I help-- Oh, no. No, this is not 911. No, no. This is 311. Donna, they switched my phone with 911. What do I do?
Donna: I don't know. Try to help. Now hush. It is heating up in this piece.
Jerry: Oh, that sounds awful.

Quote from April

Ben: Almost out of gas. I'll wait till we're on the highway. Now, the GPS says we should take 495 to 270, but check out this cool alternate route I fou--
April: Oh, my God, that is so interesting to me because I'm a map salesman.

Quote from Councilman Jamm

Councilman Jamm: Oh, yeah, yeah. Beautiful, Tom. Beautiful. Dynamite gums.
Tom: Aw, thanks.
Councilman Jamm: Tom, do you want to know why I moved to Pawnee?
Tom: Sure.
Councilman Jamm: It's because the two leading industries here are corn syrup and rubber nipples. It is a dentistry jackpot. It's genius, right?
Tom: Well, D.D.S. doesn't stand for "dumb, dumb, stupid."
Councilman Jamm: [laughs] I like that. I'm going to steal it. That's mine now.

Quote from Leslie Knope

Leslie Knope: I have wanted this perm since middle school. I could not be more excited about this. Are you excited, Autumn?
Autumn: Yeah, definitely.
Leslie Knope: Do you ever give a perm to someone and ever regret it?
Autumn: Uh...
[aside to camera:]
Leslie Knope: Ann has told me repeatedly not to get a perm. But Ann's not here. So when the Ann's away, the mice get perms.

Quote from Leslie Knope

Mason: Wait... So this means the bill isn't going to pass?
Tina: My parents said that you guys can't get anything done.
Leslie Knope: Now, wait, okay, hold on. This isn't over by a long shot.
Mason: But it's three to two against us.
Leslie Knope: Yeah, I know how to do math, Mason. Okay, don't be an alarmist. It's very important that we stay positive. Our positive attitude is our greatest asset. Tom, a word, please.
Tom: Mm-hmm.
[later:]
Leslie Knope: The bill is dead, the Porpoises are doomed, and democracy is over. Oh, my God. I can't believe I decided to get a perm. Ann should have never let me do this.

Quote from Andy

Andy: Hi, I'm Andy. I really like your dress.
Zoe Lewis: I'm a princess.
Ivy Lewis: I'm a mermaid.
Ron Swanson: I'm the director of Parks and Recreation. I'm here to fix that hole.
Zoe Lewis: This is our kingdom. You have to ask permission.
Ron Swanson: Excuse me?
Andy: Your highnesses, we do humbly request thine permission to befix doth holes yonder.
Ivy Lewis: Only if you can tag us.
Andy: Come here. [girls scream]
Ron Swanson: [to camera] Your tax dollars at work.

Quote from Ben

April: Soundtrack to Pulp Fiction, soundtrack to Singles, soundtrack to Grosse Pointe Blank. Why do you have so many soundtracks?
Ben: Oh, well, uh, I kind of look at it like it's your favorite directors making a mix tape just for you.
April: Eww.

Quote from Ron Swanson

Diane Lewis: Hi. Diane Lewis. I own this pothole.
Ron Swanson: Ron Swanson. I'm here to fix it.
Andy: Oh, seaweed choke! Ugh! [children laughing]
Ron Swanson: That large boy is my colleague. We work at the Parks Department.
Diane Lewis: Oh, you're not even from the Public Works Department?
Ron Swanson: Look, it appeared that no one from the proper channels was gonna fix this, so I decided to do it myself.
Diane Lewis: Do you know what you're doing?
Ron Swanson: [chuckles] Yes, ma'am. Yes, I do.

Quote from Ben

Ben: "Data had never felt this way before. Of course, Data had never felt anything before. But Captain Picard couldn't help but note the smile that crept over his mechanical but lifelike face."
April: I'm gonna murder you.
Ben: I understand. Just one second. "As they walked down the hall into the bridge--"

Quote from Ron Swanson

Diane Lewis: Lemonade?
Ron Swanson: Please and thank you.
Diane Lewis: Hey, I'm sorry if I was curt earlier. I'm a single mom, and sometimes things get chaotic around here. When you showed up from the Parks Department--
Ron Swanson: No need to apologize. I understand completely. This is delicious.
Diane Lewis: Well, I got it from Food and Stuff, so--
Ron Swanson: That's where I got these gloves.
Diane Lewis: Right? So, how exactly are you gonna fix this hole? Just for my own edification.
Ron Swanson: Uh, I dug the loose gravel out of the hole. Now I'm using a jackhammer to remove the larger pieces, then I'll spray down the hole to settle the dust and fill it with cold patch asphalt.
Diane Lewis: Well, thank you. Now I can fix the next one myself.

Quote from Leslie Knope

Tom: Just give him what he wants. Take the easy way out. I always do. It's so easy.
Leslie Knope: I do not negotiate with dentists.
Leslie Knope: I'm trying to tell everybody that the government is great, and I think it stinks. I hate it. I hate the government.
Tom: You don't mean that.
Leslie Knope: You're right, I don't. I take it back. Why did I say that, Tom? God, you know me so well.

Quote from Ron Swanson

Donna: [on the phone] Then Ana asks Grey to punish her.
Jerry: Donna, please, can you keep it down? Or at least research how to deliver a baby that's coming out face up.
Ron Swanson: Lay the mother on her side and try to move the baby in a corkscrew fashion.

Quote from Ron Swanson

Ron Swanson: If you're here to complain about the pothole, I guarantee I did it correctly.
Diane Lewis: Actually, I'm here to ask you out for dinner.
Ron Swanson: Really?
Diane Lewis: Well, I hope you're not the kind of man who needs to ask the lady out. I'm a middle school vice-principal. I don't screw around. Does that freak you out?
Ron Swanson: No, on the contrary.
Diane Lewis: So, dinner?
Ron Swanson: Please and thank you.
Diane Lewis: Well, it'll be casual. No need to wear makeup.
[aside to camera:]
Ron Swanson: I begrudgingly admit that the 311 program is a moderate success. I'm still not sure why the citizen decided to come speak with me in person, but I'm just happy to see a government program finally work.

Quote from Leslie Knope

Leslie Knope: [aside to camera] Recently, the Captain of the Pawnee Porpoises swim team asked me if we could keep the public pools open longer so they could log more practice time, and I said, "Absolutely." Because not only am I a city councilor. I'm a city councilor with porpoise. [laughs]

Quote from Tom

Tom: [aside to camera] Councilman Jamm and I have gotten pretty tight. And I'm hoping to parlay this into a membership at the Pawnee Smokehouse, Pawnee's most exclusive cigar club. Overstuffed leather chairs, top-shelf brandies. And that stale tobacco stench that says, "Welcome to the top."


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