Ron Swanson: [answers phone] 311. Well, Diane, for potholes, you want to speak with Public Works. I understand you've tried them four times. Government is inefficient and should be dissolved. Please hold while I transfer you.

Leslie Knope: Hey, there you are. I miss you.
Ben: [on video chat] I miss you, too. Where are you?
Leslie Knope: I'm in my new city council office.
Ben: No way.
Leslie Knope: I know, do you like it?
Ben: I love it.
Leslie Knope: I love it, too. Check this out. Here is my wall of inspirational women.
Ben: Ah. Is that a picture of you?
Leslie Knope: Yes. I am big enough to admit that I am often inspired by myself. Here are my clocks. Pawnee and Washington D.C.
Ben: Same time zone.

Leslie Knope: Councilman, I'd like to talk to you about the Fun In The Sun bill, and I don't mean to rush you, but the vote is in an hour.
Councilman Milton: When I'm done eating, we'll talk. I've eaten the same lunch for 58 years. Caesar salad, extra dressing, extra croutons, and extra anchovies.
Leslie Knope: Mmm.
[aside to camera:]
Leslie Knope: Councilman Milton was first elected as a city councilor in 1948, as a member of the Dixiecrat Party. Their platform? "De-integrate Baseball."

Councilman Milton: The secret is in the dressing. Try it. It's an aphrodisiac. You too, my strange, foreign friend.
Tom: No, thank you.
Leslie Knope: Tom, eat some.
Tom: I'm not eating racist salad.
Leslie Knope: The more we eat, the faster we talk.
Tom: Mmm.
Tom: You can really taste the ignorance.
Councilman Milton: It's pronounced "anchovies."

Ben: Good lord, it is hot.
April: [as Southern belle] Yes, mercy me. Living in this town's like living in the devil's butt crack.

Joan Callamezzo: Welcome to Pawnee Today. I am first-rate newswoman Joan Callamezzo. Pawnee's City Council approval rate is at a dismal 3%. That's an all-time low. Yuck. Leslie, the city council has done very little over the past few years, and what they have accomplished, in my opinion, has been embarrassing. And that is a fact.
Leslie Knope: No, that's your opinion. That's the definition of an opinion.
Joan Callamezzo: Well, that's your opinion.
Leslie Knope: The city council has some political gridlock and some partisan bickering, but we're actually about to pass a bill - my bill - the Leslie Knope Fun In The Sun Act, which will extend public pool hours citywide.
Joan Callamezzo: [sarcastic laugh] Can you say, "big whoop"?

Ron Swanson: [answers phone] 311, how can I-- Oh, hello again, Diane. Nobody answered? Okay, you know what? Someone will be there shortly. [hangs up] Andrew, get your lunch, some water, and a 40-pound bag of asphalt.
Andy: Okay, boss. What are we doing?
Ron Swanson: We're fixing a pothole.

Diane Lewis: Hi. Diane Lewis. I own this pothole.
Ron Swanson: Ron Swanson. I'm here to fix it.
Andy: Oh, seaweed choke! Ugh! [children laughing]
Ron Swanson: That large boy is my colleague. We work at the Parks Department.
Diane Lewis: Oh, you're not even from the Public Works Department?
Ron Swanson: Look, it appeared that no one from the proper channels was gonna fix this, so I decided to do it myself.
Diane Lewis: Do you know what you're doing?
Ron Swanson: [chuckles] Yes, ma'am. Yes, I do.

Donna: [on the phone] Then Ana asks Grey to punish her.
Jerry: Donna, please, can you keep it down? Or at least research how to deliver a baby that's coming out face up.
Ron Swanson: Lay the mother on her side and try to move the baby in a corkscrew fashion.

Ron Swanson: If you're here to complain about the pothole, I guarantee I did it correctly.
Diane Lewis: Actually, I'm here to ask you out for dinner.
Ron Swanson: Really?
Diane Lewis: Well, I hope you're not the kind of man who needs to ask the lady out. I'm a middle school vice-principal. I don't screw around. Does that freak you out?
Ron Swanson: No, on the contrary.
Diane Lewis: So, dinner?
Ron Swanson: Please and thank you.
Diane Lewis: Well, it'll be casual. No need to wear makeup.
[aside to camera:]
Ron Swanson: I begrudgingly admit that the 311 program is a moderate success. I'm still not sure why the citizen decided to come speak with me in person, but I'm just happy to see a government program finally work.