Leslie Knope: [aside to camera] It's awful what happened to Andy. But sometimes when you make an omelet, you got to break a few eggs. What's the alternative? No omelets at all? Who wants to live in that kind of world? Maybe birds. Then all their babies would live.

Leslie Knope: [aside to camera] Well, we're here in Eagleton. It's two towns over. And we're all volunteering for Kaboom, a service organization that says it builds a playground in a day. I never trust anything that comes that quickly. That's why I don't eat Minute Rice.

Leslie Knope: [aside to camera] How does taking risks make me feel? Amazing. Tingling sensation throughout my whole body. I feel flushed. My muscles are relaxed, yet I feel awake. Just waves of pleasure. I wish there was something physical that could make me feel this way.

Leslie Knope: [aside to camera] Rules, codes, permits, red tape. I never realized how frustrating it is to be in the government. In my next life, I'm going into private industry. Maybe strip mining.

Leslie Knope: Hey. Can I smoke in here?
Ron Swanson: You don't smoke.
Leslie Knope: Just asking if I can.
Ron Swanson: Are you high?
Leslie Knope: I'm high on kaboom. Don't ask for permission, ask for forgiveness.
Ron Swanson: That's right. You never did ask me for permission, did you? Well, I'm sorry to burst your k-bubble, but I just had my ass k-handed to me by the City Manager. And now this entire department is k-screwed.
Leslie Knope: Ron, I'm so, so, so sorry.
Ron Swanson: What the k-[bleep] were you thinking?
[aside to camera]
Ron Swanson: I would prefer that she ask me for my permission so I can say no. I like saying no. It lowers their enthusiasm.

Female Voice: [on phone] We noticed abnormal activity on your credit card, so we just need you to confirm or deny some of the recent charges.
Leslie Knope: Okay. Thank you.
Female Voice: $20 to Netflix?
Leslie Knope: Yeah.
Female Voice: $20 to Blockbuster Online?
Tom: Both?
Leslie Knope: I needed all eleven disks of Gossip Girl at the same time.
Female Voice: $120 in tuition to Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry?
Leslie Knope: They give you a little wand, and a diploma. It's fun.
Tom: What did you major in?
Leslie Knope: Potions. You know, I'm gonna take you off speakerphone. Go ahead.
Female Voice: Jessica Simpson clip-in hair extensions?
Leslie Knope: No. Okay... Um, I wore those once. It was a money-back guarantee, but I forgot to return them.
Female Voice: Man Pillow, the pillow shaped like a man?
Tom: Oh, God.
Female Voice: Also something called "Bucket of Cake."
Leslie Knope: Yeah, you know what? I think someone definitely stole my credit card. So why don't you just cancel it?
Female Voice: Do you wanna hear what else they purchased?
Leslie Knope: Yes. No, you don't have to refund anything. Just cancel the credit card and we'll all go on with our lives. Thank you.
Tom: So, what does a Man Pillow look like?
Leslie Knope: Daniel Craig. It's for my lower back.

Ann: Man, this is tough.
Leslie Knope: Yeah, but just think of all the kids that'll swing on this swing, fat kids, skinny kids, brainiacs, sluts, the gay drama kids, goths, jocks, the alternative crowd.
Ann: Mmm-hmm.

Leslie Knope: Okay, everybody take out their thinking caps and rip them up. Then take out your doing caps, 'cause we're gonna do something today.
Tom: I have a couple of doing caps in my wallet. That's what I call condoms.

Leslie Knope: How do we cut through the red tape and how do we get this pit filled in? Ideas?
Tom: We need to cut through the red tape and get the pit filled in.
Leslie Knope: Yes, Tom. Good.

Mark: So you really wanna get this pit filled in?
Leslie Knope: Yes.
Mark: And you'll do whatever it takes?
Leslie Knope: Mark, I am so sick of moving like a slug. I want to move like a cheetah. Or a slug driving a remote controlled car. Something more plausible than that, but fast.