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‘Leslie and Ben’ Quotes

Parks and Recreation: Leslie and Ben

514. Leslie and Ben

Aired February 21, 2013

Leslie and Ben decide to get married after the gala, compressing three months of planning into one evening.

Quote from Leslie Knope

Ron Swanson: Well, please, don't worry about me. Just go and get married.
Leslie Knope: No.
Ron Swanson: Leslie.
Leslie Knope: Ron. Listen to me very carefully. I lost my father when I was ten, I don't have any brothers, and Ken Burns never wrote me back. So I am not getting married without you there to walk me down the aisle. End of discussion.

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Quote from Ron Swanson

Leslie Knope: [sighing] I love the first floor of City Hall at night. When all the fluorescents are half-off. Just makes the informational fliers look so beautiful.
Ron Swanson: I've never willingly been here later than 5:04 p.m. Before we go inside, I'd like to say something. You are a wonderful person. [voice breaks] Your friendship means a lot to me. And you look very beautiful.
Leslie Knope: Okay, weirdo. Let's go.
[Ron holds out his arm for Leslie to take]
Leslie Knope: Hoo, boy.

Quote from Ben

Tom: We are gathered here tonight to join Leslie Knope and Benjamin Wyatt in marriage. It's been a long and winding road for these two lovebirds. And they're so impatient to begin their lives together they've moved their wedding date up three months. So I say, let's keep it short and sweet.
April: Yes, just do it already.
Tom: I assume, and hope, you prepared your own vows? Ben, you want to say some stuff about Leslie?
Ben: In my time working for the state government, my job sent me to 46 cities in 11 years. I lived in villages with eight people, rural farming communities, college towns. I was sent to every corner of Indiana. And then I came here. And I realized that, this whole time, I was just wandering around, everywhere, just looking for you.

Quote from Leslie Knope

Tom: Leslie, do you want to say some stuff about Ben now?
Leslie Knope: Okay, well, the first draft of my vows, which I wrote the day after we got engaged, clocked in at around 70 pages. [all murmur] But I don't have them with me today. [all sigh] Although maybe there's a copy of them in my office. [all murmuring]
April: No.
Ben: That's fine, that's fine. I think we can just keep going.
Leslie Knope: Okay. [all sigh] Here's what I'll say, then. The things that you have done for me, to help me, support me, surprise me, to make me happy, go above and beyond what any person deserves. You're all I need. I love you and I like you.
Ben: I love you and I like you.
Jerry: And now, with the power vested in me by the state of Indiana, I now pronounce you husband and wife.

Quote from Ron Swanson

Ron Swanson: [aside to camera] It's not rocket science. I removed the sconce... Fired up my grandfather's torch, heated up the pieces in a cast-iron bucket. Liquefied the metal. Pour it into a mold. Obviously keep it over a low flame to achieve a nice temper. Cooled it in antifreeze. And just forged and shaped the rings. Any moron with a crucible, an acetylene torch, and a cast-iron waffle maker could have done the same. Whole thing only took me about 20 minutes. People who buy things are suckers.

Quote from Tom

Ben: Oh, uh, yikes. We need an officiant.
Tom: I got this. You can become an ordained minister online in, like, five minutes. Do you want more like a Steve Harvey vibe or straight-up Seacrest? Nuh! Never mind. I'll combine 'em, Steve-crest.

Quote from Leslie Knope

Leslie Knope: It's not finished. Why didn't the seamstress finish it? If you're not gonna finish something three months early, then don't accept the job.
Ann: There's got to be something we can do.
Leslie Knope: This wedding is meant to be. We're gonna figure it out. Now how did Cinderella finish her dress so fast? Squirrels and birds. That's not very helpful.

Quote from Andy

Andy: I look around this room. If it weren't for Leslie Knope, none of us would be here. So, Leslie, this song, which is for Li'l Sebastian, is for you.
[Andy plays guitar as Donna sings "5000 Candles in the Wind":]
Donna: Up in horsey heaven, here's the thing You trade your legs for angel's wings And once we've all said good-bye You take a running leap, and you learn to fly
All: Bye-bye, Li'l Sebastian Miss you in the saddest fashion...

Quote from Leslie Knope

Leslie Knope: But we reserved a space for May 16th. And we just ordered 200 white-chocolate top hats.
Ben: We did?
Leslie Knope: You did, actually. It's under your name.
Ben: Leslie, we can get married May 16th, or June 1st, or July 57th. But doesn't it feel right, today?
Leslie Knope: Yeah, it does. Every time you say it, it just feels more right. Oh, my God, we're getting married tonight. This is really great.
Ben: Yeah.
Leslie Knope: You're either in or your out, buddy.
Ben: It was my idea, I'm totally in. [laughs]
Leslie Knope: Wait, no. We can't-- This is our wedding day. This is very bad luck, turn around. We can't look at each other!
Ben: Well, you are aware that we've seen each other several times today.

Quote from Ben

Leslie Knope: We have two hours to do this. I want you to get everyone together, and meet me at Ann's house in ten minutes.
Ben: Okay. Oh, wait, before we get married, there is something we need to discuss. I mean, we've never talked about it, but I really want you to take my last name.
Leslie Knope: Oh! Oh. Okay. Really?
Ben: Yeah, it's just [sighs] really important to me, symbolically, that Leslie Knope disappears and becomes Leslie Wyatt. Or Councilwoman Mrs. Ben Wyatt. That's fine too. It's a deal breaker.
Leslie Knope: Wait, are you messing with me?
Ben: Sorry, I had to give it a shot.

Quote from Ann

Ben: The falcon is entering!
Leslie Knope: The turtledove acknowledges! Hey, where are you?
Ben: I'm-I'm here.
Leslie Knope: Okay, let's go over the duties right now. Ann, you're in charge of the dress and the hair and the makeup. And I was thinking, like, the sensuality of Eleanor Roosevelt combined with the animal magnetism of Lesley Stahl.
Ann: Piece of cake. Oh, we have to get the wedding cake. I'll do that too.
[aside to camera:]
Ann: I'm perfectly calm. I feel like every crazy thing Leslie's ever had me do has been, like a drill, and today is the real thing. I'm ready, because I had the greatest teacher in the world. Leslie. Who is crazy.

Quote from Ron Swanson

Leslie Knope: Ron, I'm gonna need you to walk me down the aisle.
Ron Swanson: It would be an honor, and the first time I won't regret walking down the aisle.

Quote from Tom

Tom: Oh, what the hell!
Jerry: What's wrong?
Tom: "Your Minister Certification will be emailed to you in 24 hours." Uhh! But this is America. I want it now!
Jerry: Sorry, Tom, that's what happens.
Tom: I had all these great bits written for the wedding too. I was gonna beatbox. There's a dance breakdown. I'm talking, like, six guaranteed applause breaks.

Quote from Tom

Jerry: Uh, you know, I am actually ordained. I could do the wedding.
Tom: That's the worst idea I've ever heard.
Jerry: Yeah, you're right, okay.
Tom: Wait! What if you do the ceremony, but you don't have any stupid ideas of your own, and you just say the stuff that I came up with?
Jerry: Anything to help Leslie.
Tom: Perfect. Now shut up and start memorizing. We open with Will Smith's monologue from the modern cinematic classic... Hitch.

Quote from Leslie Knope

Leslie Knope: Did you find the rings?
Ben: No rings, just a tennis bracelet and a necklace that says "Wine Chick."
Leslie Knope: No rings, no license, no dress. This idea felt so right, but maybe it's just too crazy. Maybe it wasn't meant to be.
Ben: Hey, it's snowing.
Leslie Knope: [gasps] It's him.
Ben: What? Who? I can't see.
Leslie Knope: I don't understand, this is impossible.
Ben: Wh-- Whoa. Li'l Sebastian?
Kurt Lerpiss: No, no, sorry. Actually, this is Bucky. He's a, uh, licensed Li'l Sebastian impersonator. We're headed to the gala, so folks can pose for pictures with him. 200 a pop, if you're interested.
Leslie Knope: Quiet, you. This is Li'l Sebastian, and this is a sign. We're gonna do this. We are gonna pull this wedding off.
Kurt Lerpiss: Come on, Bucky.
Leslie Knope: Li'l Sebastian.
Kurt Lerpiss: Yes, ma'am.

Quote from Ann

Leslie Knope: Oh my God, we're running out of time. Ann, please, tell me that you have sewn a new dress from scratch. Or several dresses, 'cause I would love some options.
Ann: I have an idea, and it might be insane, but I've been watching a lot Project Runway recently... In the past eight years.
Leslie Knope: Okay, great, so I trust you, and make it work. No time to do the Tim Gunn voice. Wait, what am I talking about? There's always time. [imitating Tim Gunn] Designers, make it work. [normal voice] Ann, you have less than an hour.

Quote from April

Andy: Miss Beavers, this is official police business. I hope we didn't wake you up.
Ethel Beavers: It's after 10:00. I've been asleep for four hours. What do you want?
April: We need you to sign this. It's a marriage license.
Barry: Ethel? Is it robbers?
Ethel Beavers: No, go back to bed.
Andy: Aww, is that your husband?
Ethel Beavers: I'm not married. I was on a date tonight. It went well, he's sleeping over.
April: Cool.
Andy: It'd really mean a lot if you sign it. It's for Leslie Knope and Ben Wyatt. I think you know them?
Ethel Beavers: They dragged me out in the freezing cold once, so they could tell each other "I love you." It was annoying.
Andy: Oh, thank you so much! You have got an amazing house and a really cool nightgown and seem to be super good at dating.
April: Yeah, so can we adopt you as our grandma?
Ethel Beavers: Fine.
Andy: [laughs] Cool!
Both: We love you, Grandma!

Quote from Chris

Ben: I guess we could go to a pharmacy, but I really don't want to use like a cheap plastic ring.
Chris: I hate to say this, but Ann Perkins has terrible taste in rings. What- What is this? It's a toe ring with a brown gemstone? Is this a ruby that's gone bad?

Quote from Tom

Jerry: "When I heard Ben was getting married, I was like, 'to Leslie or to Game of Thrones'?"
Tom: Ugh, horrible delivery.
Jerry: "You ever heard Leslie talk about Ben's butt? [bland] "I'm all like, 'Damn, girl, you mad sweet on that back meat.'"
Tom: You're murdering my beautiful words! Do you even want to kill at this wedding?
Jerry: I just want Leslie and Ben to have a nice night. I'm sorry. I--
Tom: No, no. It's my fault for believing in you.
Jerry: Well, look, um, to be official, I just have to do the vows and the pronouncement. So why don't you handle the speech, and then I'll just come in at the end?
Tom: Well, I'm not crazy about the part where you do something. But, I do like the idea me doing something. Let's give it a shot.

Quote from Chris

Chris: I promised myself I was not going to cry tonight. And I have already broken that promise five times. But I will not... break it a sixth.
Ben: Go ahead and let it out, buddy. It's okay.
Chris: I have something for you.
Ben: All right.
Chris: It is the letter from the statehouse... Telling us that we have been assigned to Pawnee. Dated May 1st, 2010.
Ben: No way.
Chris: We were supposed to be here eight weeks. I'm so happy that those eight weeks turned into three years, and that you met Leslie, and that we both found a home.
Ben: Damn it, you're transferring your crying thing over to me.
Chris: It's okay, buddy, let it out.

Quote from Ann

Ann: I gathered up all the meaningful bills, pictures, documents, and memos from your career. What do you think? Is it okay?
Leslie Knope: It is the most beautiful object I have ever seen. It is like the Ann Perkins of dresses.
Ann: Yay.
Leslie Knope: It is amazing.

Quote from Andy

Andy: [gasps] Leslie, wow! You look amazing. Oh, my God!
April: What?
Andy: I'm not supposed to see you before the wedding.
April: No, that's the groom.
Andy: I ruined it!
April: Andy, that's the groom.
Andy: Well, I saw him too. I'm just gonna cover my eyes, just to be safe.

Quote from Ron Swanson

Ron Swanson: I'm sorry, Leslie.
Leslie Knope: For what?
Ron Swanson: I've never presented a bride on her wedding day, so I'm not 100% sure of the duties involved, but I don't think you're supposed to punch a man in the mouth during the service.
Leslie Knope: I think that's exactly what you're supposed to do, if that mouth is attached to a drunk jerk-face.

Quote from Ron Swanson

Ron Swanson: Lagavulin all around? Don't bother answering. I am already pouring. You don't have to drink yours.
Ben: Thank you.

Quote from Andy

Andy: Just this once, I thought I nailed something.
April: Well, I'm still proud of you. You worked hard and you got really close.
Andy: Close only counts in horse grenades.
April: What?
Andy: It's a saying. Because if you're playing horseshoes, and then you throw a grenade at a horse, it doesn't have to be that close, and you can still blow the horse's legs off. It's from the movie Seabiscuit.

Quote from Leslie Knope

Leslie Knope: [aside to camera] There were a lot of signs that Ben and I should get married tonight. But, truth be told, we just really wanted to get married. When you're in love, everything seems like a sign. I love my husband. I love my job. And I love my friends. Even though they really can't handle their booze.

Quote from Councilman Jamm

Councilman Jamm: Ow. You broke my tooth.
Leslie Knope: Well, good thing you're an orthodontist.
Councilman Jamm: Yeah, it is a good thing. You see my house? Five bathrooms.


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