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‘Hunting Trip’ Quotes

Parks and Recreation: Hunting Trip

210. Hunting Trip

Aired November 19, 2009

Trying to prove she is one of the guys, Leslie and her colleagues join Ron on his annual hunting trip with Jerry and Mark. Meanwhile, April is stuck on the phone back at the office.

Quote from Donna

[A woman's frantic scream is heard]
Ann: Is that Donna? Donna? Okay, easy. Donna? Don't worry. Are you okay? What? Is it your heart? Are you having trouble breathing?
Donna: [screaming] It's my car. Someone shot my car!

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Quote from Jerry

Jerry: [aside to camera] This is such a great day. See, at my house, I got a wife and three beautiful daughters. But this trip, it is the one time of year I get to pee standing up.

Quote from Tom

Tom: It could have been someone else that shot Ron. Someone not in our group.
Jerry: You think someone is hunting us?
Tom: Man is the most dangerous game.
Donna: To The Predator.
Tom: I did smell something out there. And it wasn't human.
Leslie Knope: That was pine trees.
Donna: The Predator can see heat.
Tom: We should cover ourselves in mud. It could still be out there.

Quote from Tom

Donna: Did you hear that?
Mark: Actually, I did hear something.
Jerry: Okay. There's someone out there.
Tom: I'm gonna get my gun.
Jerry: Okay, Tom. Scare him off and shoot over his head!
Tom: What's that gonna do? I'm gonna shoot under its head!

Quote from Donna

Ranger: Listen, I heard about the accident. And I need to know who is responsible.
Jerry: I don't know. That's the problem.
Mark: Ron and I saw Jerry...
Leslie Knope: I am. I shot Ron Swanson.
Donna: You shot my Mercedes?
Leslie Knope: What? No! No!
[Donna tackles Leslie to the ground]

Quote from Leslie Knope

Ranger: So what happened? Did you forget to check the entire field? I find a lot of women have problems with tunnel vision.
Leslie Knope: No. I'm an excellent hunter.
Ranger: How did you end up shooting a guy in the head then?
Leslie Knope: Fair enough. I was walking in the woods and then I tripped and my gun went off.
Ranger: Ah, so you forgot to put the safety on.
Leslie Knope: No, I always have the safety on. I'm... While I was tripping, I saw a quail and I shot at it.
Ranger: In mid-trip?
Leslie Knope: No, that's... Okay, fine. I got that tunnel vision that girls get. And that's what happened. End of story.
Ranger: I think you're hysterical because of all the excitement, obviously. So, I'm just not following your story. All right?
Leslie Knope: I let my emotions get the best of me. I just... I would... I cared too much, I guess. I was thinking with my lady parts. I was walking and I felt something icky. I thought there was gonna be chocolate. I don't even remember. I'm wearing a new bra and it closes in the front, so it popped open and it threw me off. All I wanna do is have babies! Are you single? I'm just, like, going through a thing right now. I guess when my life is incomplete I wanna shoot someone. This would not happen if I had a penis. What? Bitches be crazy. I'm good at tolerating pain. I'm bad at math. And I'm stupid.

Quote from April

April: You know, if I gave you a hickey, it would totally make Ann jealous.
Andy: I don't know, I think that would... That's pretty gross. Seems kind of weird.
April: What's weird about one friend sucking on another friend's neck?
Andy: When you put it that way, it doesn't sound that weird at all.
April: Yeah, it's not. I gave my gay boyfriend's boyfriend a hickey and it totally made my gay boyfriend jealous.

Quote from Ron Swanson

Ron Swanson: You know, Leslie, the Super Bowl is in a couple of months. I usually watch it with my brothers. Maybe you could come by at halftime and shoot me in the head.
Leslie Knope: Ron, I'm really sorry that I ruined your weekend.
Ron Swanson: Perhaps next time I'm enjoying some alone time in the men's restroom, you could invite yourself into my stall and shoot me in the head.
Leslie Knope: Look, if there's anything I can do to make it up to you...
Ron Swanson: Sure. How about you shoot me in the head? Oh, wait, you already did that.

Quote from Leslie Knope

Ron Swanson: Just a reminder. Tomorrow's a half-day. Jerry, Mark and I have to conduct the annual trail survey at Slippery Elm Park.
Jerry: Ron, I had the trail survey hats made to commemorate the trip.
Ron Swanson: Nice, Jerry. Oh, and if you have any questions about the details, feel free to shoot me an email.
[aside to camera:]
Leslie Knope: Ugh, the only trails he's gonna be surveying are trails of lies and deception. Ron has a special deal with the park rangers. Every November, they let him use their cabin so he can go on a secret hunting trip with all the guys in the office.
Tom: Not all the guys. He's never taken me.
Leslie Knope: Fine, all the men.

Quote from Ron Swanson

Ron Swanson: All right. Look, It's not just a hunting trip. It's a tradition.
Leslie Knope: I am really good at hunting and I'm even better at being one of the guys.
Ron Swanson: Well, it's a work event, so... legally I can't stop you from coming.
Leslie Knope: Yes! This is gonna be so fun! I'll bring S'mores.
[aside to camera:]
Ron Swanson: And just like that the one tiny aspect of government I enjoyed was clubbed to death before my eyes.

Quote from Leslie Knope

Jerry: Holy cow. Ron, it is good to be back.
Mark: Sneak attack! [pulls down Jerry's pants]
Jerry: Damn it!
Mark: I am the Pants King! Bow to me.
Jerry: Bow. I bow!
Mark: I am the Pants...
Leslie Knope: I am the Pants Queen. [pulls down Tom's pants]
Tom: What the hell?
Leslie Knope: Bow to the Pants Queen.
[aside to camera:]
Leslie Knope: When you're out with the boys, you gotta be ready for a good pantsing. That's why I have suspenders that connect my bra to my jeans.

Quote from Tom

Leslie Knope: Let me get some of that.
Ron Swanson: You sure?
Leslie Knope: Yeah.
Ron Swanson: I would not have pegged you as a user of mouth tobacco.
Leslie Knope: I'm full of surprises, Ron.
Tom: Oh, man. My stomach's a little upset. I feel a little queasy.
Mark: Yeah, that might be the chew. You could spit it out.
Tom: I swallowed it. You're supposed to swallow it, right?
Mark: No.
Tom: [sighs] All right. [goes outside]
Ron Swanson: Poor little buddy.
Leslie Knope: Why they call it chew and not swallow. Am I right, Ron?
Ron Swanson: Yes, you are right.
[Tom retches outside]

Quote from Leslie Knope

Leslie Knope: [aside to camera] I think this is gonna be a really good bonding sesh for me and Ron. Guys love it when you can show them you're better than they are at something they love.

Quote from Leslie Knope

Leslie Knope: You're surprised that my breasts didn't throw my aim off?
Ron Swanson: Leslie, please. I don't care that you're a girl. I just don't like change. I like going to the same place with the same people, telling the same stories and seeing who can bag the most turkeys.
Leslie Knope: Well, it seems like you like to go hunting with the same people 'cause you know you can beat them. A hundred bucks says I bag more birds than you.
Ron Swanson: You're on. Let's split up. I do it better alone.
Leslie Knope: Yeah, you do! See? Just one of the guys.

Quote from Donna

Tom: Your favorite kind of cake can't be birthday cake. That's like saying your favorite kind of cereal is breakfast cereal.
Donna: Mmm, I love breakfast cereal.

Quote from Ron Swanson

Leslie Knope: Ron, I got your hat! Ron, I have your hat!-
Ann: Are you in a lot of pain?
Ron Swanson: I was shot in the head with a shotgun.
Ann: Ron, it's actually not that serious. I just need you to stay calm, okay?
Ron Swanson: Yeah, I'm just gonna stay angry. I find that relaxes me.

Quote from Ron Swanson

Ron Swanson: When I look at my palm, I see a lady's mouth French kissing a dog. Is that normal?
Leslie Knope: Is that normal?
Ann: Well, the pain medication I gave you is pretty strong. Donna uses it for menstrual cramps. How many did you take?
Ron Swanson: Seven. Eight. But I washed them down with plenty of fluids.
Ann: No, Ron, you cannot drink Scotch with this. You're gonna need to purge, right now! Okay?
Ron Swanson: No!
Ann: Oh, yeah. Yes, yes, yes.
Ron Swanson: No, I'm not wasting 20-year Scotch.

Quote from Tom

Leslie Knope: Well, good news is Ron is resting comfortably.
Tom: Is he okay? Is he gonna live?
Leslie Knope: I think so. Although I am hoping that he has some memory loss.
Tom: On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how pissed is he?

Quote from Leslie Knope

Leslie Knope: Well, he's very curious about who shot him. So, if you did it, just say, "I did it." Come on, person who shot Ron. Look, I think it's a little weird that nobody wants to admit that they shot Ron in the head.
Tom: Maybe Ron shot himself.
Leslie Knope: Hmm, he has seemed really depressed lately.
Mark: He was shot in the back of the head.
Leslie Knope: You're right. He loves the back of his head. He would never shoot himself there.

Quote from April

[hold music continues]
April: That man wasn't my brother. He was my husband.
Andy: [spit takes] How was that? That wasn't good?
April: Yeah, you can do better.
Andy: All right. Give me another one.
April: Okay. I'm pregnant with Josh Groban's baby.
Andy: [spit takes]
April: That was good.

Quote from Ron Swanson

Ron Swanson: Maybe the next time I'm at the doctor's office getting my prostate examined, you could come by and shoot me in the head!
Tom: Excuse me, everyone. Ron, I have something to say.
Ron Swanson: Hang on a minute, Tom, I'm not done berating Leslie.
Tom: It wasn't Leslie's fault. She was covering for me because I didn't have a hunting license. I was the one who shot you.
Ron Swanson: You didn't get a license? What kind of moron doesn't get a license? That's reckless endangerment, my son. That's a $25,000 fine, minimum, and probably jail time.
Tom: But she covered for me, and I'm in the clear.
Ron Swanson: Yeah. That's right. She kept her mouth shut and now you're in the clear.
Leslie Knope: Well, Ron, you know, I couldn't let...
Ron Swanson: I know. You did good. You're a real stand-up guy. I'm sorry I lost my temper before. It was 'cause I was shot in the head by a moron.


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