TV Quotes

Ann: Describe your ideal man.
Leslie Knope: He's dark and mysterious, and he can sing, and he plays the organ.
Ann: I think you just described the Phantom of the Opera.
Leslie Knope: Mm.

Leslie Knope: Do you want to go to lunch?
Tom: Uh, no, I don't really feel like going to JJ's.
Leslie Knope: We can go anywhere. Your choice. I'm buying.
Tom: Can I get apps and 'serts?
[aside to camera:]
Tom: 'Serts are what I call desserts. Tray-trays are entrees. I call sandwiches Sammies, Sandoozles, or Adam Sandlers. Air conditioners are cool blasterz, with a "z." I don't know where that came from. I call cakes big old cookies. I call noodles long-ass rice. Fried chicken is fry-fry chicky-chick. Chicken parm is chicky-chicky parm-parm. Chicken cacciatore-- Chicky catch. I call eggs pre-birds or future birds. Root beer is super water. Tortillas are bean blankies. And I call forks... Food rakes.
[back:]
Leslie Knope: Yeah, you can get as many 'serts as you want.
Tom: Well, let's get in my go-go mobile.
[aside to camera:]
Tom: Car.

Leslie Knope: Yellow-haired female likes waffles and news.
Ann: Sexy, well-read blonde loves the sweeter things in life.
Leslie Knope: Much better.
Ann: Hobbies?
Leslie Knope: Organizing my agenda. Wait, that doesn't sound fun. Um, jamming on my planner.
Ann: Favorite place?
Leslie Knope: Upstairs there's this mural of wildflowers, and I like to sit on a bench in front of it.
Ann: Really? It could be anywhere in the world. Paris, Hawaii, the Grand Canyon.
Leslie Knope: No, just the bench in front of the mural.
Ann: What about, like, an actual meadow where wildflowers are?
Leslie Knope: Ew, Ann. I'm scared of bees. Mural.

Ann: Okay, what do you think of dogs?
Leslie Knope: Love.
Ann: Cats.
Leslie Knope: Love.
Ann: Fish.
Leslie Knope: Love.
Ann: Turtles.
Leslie Knope: No opinion. They're condescending.

Ron Swanson: [aside to camera] I love Food and Stuff. It's where I buy all of my food... And most of my stuff.

Ron Swanson: Christopher, got a second?
Chris: Oh, hey, Ron.
Ron Swanson: Listen, I've eaten a commissary hamburger for lunch every day for 12 years. I just wanted to make sure this pointless health crusade won't affect the only part of my job that I like.
Chris: Oh, no, those hamburgers are gone. Red meat can cause sluggishness, heart disease, even impotence.
Ron Swanson: Has the opposite effect on me.

Leslie Knope: Let's say you rub a bottle and a genie comes out and gives you three wishes. What would those wishes be?
Tom: Come on, Leslie.
Leslie Knope: This'll be a fun game. Three wishes. Go.
Tom: Okay, first wish, I have a huge house with a ton of balconies.
Leslie Knope: Yeah, okay.
Tom: And I would just stand out there observing my empire, like a drug dealer in a Michael Bay movie. And I'll just spend my time out there reading my iPad and drinking espressos in a terrycloth robe.
Leslie Knope: Wish number two.
Tom: Okay, I'm the CEO of the Spike TV Network. And my best friend / personal assistant is Oscar winner Jamie Foxx. And we create a raunchy animated series based on our friendship called Tommy and the Foxx.
Leslie Knope: Okay, we don't have to do this anymore.
Tom: No, no, I'm into it now. Wish number three. They remake Point Break. I play both roles. Keanu and Swayze.

Ron Swanson: What are you doing, Andy?
Andy: I'm getting healthier snacks for the shoeshine stand. Chris is a food genius. Did you know that the food you eat becomes energy? Yeah. [punches air] Boom! That's spaghetti. [continues] Nachos. [jumps] That's a cookie.
April: That's my husband.

Chris: Ah, Nirvana. Hey, guys.
All: Hey, Chris.
Chris: Amber, Annie, Bill, Johnny.
[aside to camera:]
Ron Swanson: No, I don't plan to buy anything here. I buy my burger ingredients at Food and Stuff, a discount-food outlet equidistant from my home and my work. I came here for the same reason people go to the zoo. [a hippie looks in in a bin] Shh. Look at that thing. Nature is amazing.

Chris: You ever tried a turkey burger?
Ron Swanson: Is that a fried turkey leg inside a grilled hamburger? If so, yes. Delicious.
Chris: A turkey burger. You take lean ground turkey meat, and you make that into a burger, instead of red meat.
Ron Swanson: Why would anyone do that to themselves?
Chris: What if I told you that I could make a turkey burger that tastes better than any other burger you've ever had?
Ron Swanson: Challenge accepted. Cook-off later today in the courtyard. If I win, hamburgers remain in the commissary.
Chris: What do I get if I win?
Ron Swanson: The rarest jewel of all. Victory over me, Ron Swanson.