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‘Soulmates’ Quotes

Parks and Recreation: Soulmates

310. Soulmates

Aired April 21, 2011

After Ann encourages her to sign up to an online dating site, Leslie is surprised when she is matched with Tom. Meanwhile, Chris launches a health drive in Pawnee which puts him at odds with red-meat-loving Ron.

Quote from Leslie Knope

Ann: Describe your ideal man.
Leslie Knope: He's dark and mysterious, and he can sing, and he plays the organ.
Ann: I think you just described the Phantom of the Opera.
Leslie Knope: Mm.

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Quote from Tom

Leslie Knope: Do you want to go to lunch?
Tom: Uh, no, I don't really feel like going to JJ's.
Leslie Knope: We can go anywhere. Your choice. I'm buying.
Tom: Can I get apps and 'serts?
[aside to camera:]
Tom: 'Serts are what I call desserts. Tray-trays are entrees. I call sandwiches Sammies, Sandoozles, or Adam Sandlers. Air conditioners are cool blasterz, with a "z." I don't know where that came from. I call cakes big old cookies. I call noodles long-ass rice. Fried chicken is fry-fry chicky-chick. Chicken parm is chicky-chicky parm-parm. Chicken cacciatore-- Chicky catch. I call eggs pre-birds or future birds. Root beer is super water. Tortillas are bean blankies. And I call forks... Food rakes.
[back:]
Leslie Knope: Yeah, you can get as many 'serts as you want.
Tom: Well, let's get in my go-go mobile.
[aside to camera:]
Tom: Car.

Quote from Leslie Knope

Leslie Knope: Yellow-haired female likes waffles and news.
Ann: Sexy, well-read blonde loves the sweeter things in life.
Leslie Knope: Much better.
Ann: Hobbies?
Leslie Knope: Organizing my agenda. Wait, that doesn't sound fun. Um, jamming on my planner.
Ann: Favorite place?
Leslie Knope: Upstairs there's this mural of wildflowers, and I like to sit on a bench in front of it.
Ann: Really? It could be anywhere in the world. Paris, Hawaii, the Grand Canyon.
Leslie Knope: No, just the bench in front of the mural.
Ann: What about, like, an actual meadow where wildflowers are?
Leslie Knope: Ew, Ann. I'm scared of bees. Mural.

Quote from Leslie Knope

Ann: Okay, what do you think of dogs?
Leslie Knope: Love.
Ann: Cats.
Leslie Knope: Love.
Ann: Fish.
Leslie Knope: Love.
Ann: Turtles.
Leslie Knope: No opinion. They're condescending.

Quote from Ron Swanson

Ron Swanson: [aside to camera] I love Food and Stuff. It's where I buy all of my food... And most of my stuff.

Quote from Ron Swanson

Ron Swanson: Christopher, got a second?
Chris: Oh, hey, Ron.
Ron Swanson: Listen, I've eaten a commissary hamburger for lunch every day for 12 years. I just wanted to make sure this pointless health crusade won't affect the only part of my job that I like.
Chris: Oh, no, those hamburgers are gone. Red meat can cause sluggishness, heart disease, even impotence.
Ron Swanson: Has the opposite effect on me.

Quote from Tom

Leslie Knope: Let's say you rub a bottle and a genie comes out and gives you three wishes. What would those wishes be?
Tom: Come on, Leslie.
Leslie Knope: This'll be a fun game. Three wishes. Go.
Tom: Okay, first wish, I have a huge house with a ton of balconies.
Leslie Knope: Yeah, okay.
Tom: And I would just stand out there observing my empire, like a drug dealer in a Michael Bay movie. And I'll just spend my time out there reading my iPad and drinking espressos in a terrycloth robe.
Leslie Knope: Wish number two.
Tom: Okay, I'm the CEO of the Spike TV Network. And my best friend / personal assistant is Oscar winner Jamie Foxx. And we create a raunchy animated series based on our friendship called Tommy and the Foxx.
Leslie Knope: Okay, we don't have to do this anymore.
Tom: No, no, I'm into it now. Wish number three. They remake Point Break. I play both roles. Keanu and Swayze.

Quote from Andy

Ron Swanson: What are you doing, Andy?
Andy: I'm getting healthier snacks for the shoeshine stand. Chris is a food genius. Did you know that the food you eat becomes energy? Yeah. [punches air] Boom! That's spaghetti. [continues] Nachos. [jumps] That's a cookie.
April: That's my husband.

Quote from Ron Swanson

Chris: Ah, Nirvana. Hey, guys.
All: Hey, Chris.
Chris: Amber, Annie, Bill, Johnny.
[aside to camera:]
Ron Swanson: No, I don't plan to buy anything here. I buy my burger ingredients at Food and Stuff, a discount-food outlet equidistant from my home and my work. I came here for the same reason people go to the zoo. [a hippie looks in in a bin] Shh. Look at that thing. Nature is amazing.

Quote from Chris

Chris: Pawnee is, as you all know, the fourth most obese city in America.
Tom: Soon to be number three. We're coming for you, San Antonio.
Chris: No, we are not. We are slimming down... Starting right here at City Hall. I am implementing a government-wide health initiative.
Leslie Knope: We could have a City Hall dodgeball league. I have first pick, and my pick is Ron.
Chris: Great idea. Keep 'em coming. Now, if anybody would like to join me, I will be running backwards up the big hill behind the Wal-Mart.

Quote from Ron Swanson

Chris: You ever tried a turkey burger?
Ron Swanson: Is that a fried turkey leg inside a grilled hamburger? If so, yes. Delicious.
Chris: A turkey burger. You take lean ground turkey meat, and you make that into a burger, instead of red meat.
Ron Swanson: Why would anyone do that to themselves?
Chris: What if I told you that I could make a turkey burger that tastes better than any other burger you've ever had?
Ron Swanson: Challenge accepted. Cook-off later today in the courtyard. If I win, hamburgers remain in the commissary.
Chris: What do I get if I win?
Ron Swanson: The rarest jewel of all. Victory over me, Ron Swanson.

Quote from Ben

Ben: You know, I can't believe I'm saying this, but I actually checked out that, uh, that snow globe museum that you recommended, and it was pretty awesome, I have to say. I mean, I did get in trouble for shaking one.
Leslie Knope: Yeah, I'm not allowed there anymore.

Quote from Leslie Knope

Ann: Oh. You know what? If he doesn't want to go out with you, he's nuts. You're awesome, and there's a million other guys out there. I have been having so much fun just dating a bunch of people.
Leslie Knope: I know. Who was that guy you were talking to out there and then also kissing? I was... [yelps] Crap on a crayfish. That really stings.
Ann: I haven't pricked you yet.
Leslie Knope: Oh, sorry. I was just picturing it.
Ann: You know what? Maybe you need to cast a wider net. Have you thought about Internet dating?
Leslie Knope: Really? I don't think that's for me. Aah! You're a monster.
Ann: Still haven't done it yet. I'll help you set up a profile. It'll be fun.
Leslie Knope: All right, yeah, let's do it. Okay, good. I'm glad that's over.
Ann: Oh, it's not.
Leslie Knope: [gasps] [bleep] you, Ann!

Quote from April

Ron Swanson: Who the hell is "Forp"?
April: I don't know. I couldn't really hear him. It sounded like his name was Forp.
Ron Swanson: You get his number?
April: No.
Ron Swanson: Good girl.

Quote from Tom

Tom: [on the phone] Yeah, I'm calling to lodge a complaint about the seaweed and almond under-eye cream I purchased from you guys. Oh, my problem is it smells terrible. Yeah, I even mixed it with another under-eye cream, and it still smelled, so I ruined two eye creams. Yes, I will hold. [sings] Forever young I want to be Forever young Do you really want to live Forever?

Quote from Andy

Chris: Wow. Fresh lettuce is my all-time favorite food. What's your favorite food?
Andy: Oh, I take skittles, and I put it between two starbursts. You know what I call it?
Chris: Skittle sandwich.
Andy: That's pretty good. No, I call it Andy's mouth surprise. It's nice because the flavor of the Starbursts really bring out a similar flavor in the Skittles.

Quote from Tom

Leslie Knope: Let's play a different game. I'm gonna say stuff about me, and you say, on a scale from one to ten, how interested in that thing you are. Ready? Okay. I love sunshine and fresh air and early-morning walks.
Tom: One.
Leslie Knope: I have read five biographies of Eleanor Roosevelt.
Tom: One.
Leslie Knope: I work at the Parks and Recreation...
Tom: One.
Leslie Knope: That's what you do.
Tom: One.
Leslie Knope: I once kissed a girl in college...
Tom: Eight.
Leslie Knope: Where I graduated Summa Cum Laude in history.
Tom: One, zero, negative a billion. Don't talk about it anymore, please.

Quote from Chris

Chris: I humbly place before you my East meets West patented Traeger Turkey Burger. An Asian fusion burger made with Willow Farms organic turkey, a toasted tallegio-cheese crisp, papaya chutney, black truffle aioli, and micro-greens on a gluten-free brioche bun. Enjoy.
Kyle: Mmm.
Tom: This tastes as delicious as Beyonce smells... I'm guessing.
Donna: What is this in here, saffron?
Chris: Wow, somebody's got a sharp palate.
Kyle: I love the umami flavor.
Jerry: Stop being so pretentious, Kyle.
Kyle: Sorry.

Quote from Ron Swanson

Ron Swanson: Here's mine. It's a hamburger made out of meat on a bun with nothing. Add ketchup if you want. I couldn't care less.
Chris: Ron, I'm so disappointed. I thought that you and I were gonna have a real challenge.
Tom: Never mind. This is better.
Donna: Way better.
Jerry: Mmm. Yep.
Andy: Kyle?
Kyle: Sorry, Andy. Ron's is better.
Andy: Damn it, Kyle. Oh, my God, it's so much better, it's crazy.
Ron Swanson: Turkey can never beat cow, Chris. Sorry.

Quote from Chris

Chris: I don't understand. I-I-I've tinkered with this recipe for years. Granted, it's been a long time since I've had hamburger. [Ron offers his burger, Chris takes a bite] This is better. The commissary will continue to serve horrifying, artery-clogging hamburgers. [cheers and applause]

Quote from Leslie Knope

Leslie Knope: [aside to camera] I don't know if the online thing is for me. I prefer to meet people in person. It's like door number two on Let's Make a Deal. Do you want the thing that you have, that you know you like but isn't perfect, or do you give it up for what's behind door number two? I think I like what I have. I'm gonna try to make it work with Tom. I'm kidding.

Quote from Tom

Leslie Knope: Okay, be honest, Tom. How did you and I get matched up?
Tom: I made 26 profiles, each designed to attract a different type of girl. Tom A. Haverford, sporty and sexy. Tom B. Haverford, smooth and soulful. Which letter did you get?
Leslie Knope: "N." Tom N. Haverford.
Tom: [laughs] The "N" stands for "Nerd." I never even check that one, 'cause no one ever responds to it.
Leslie Knope: Okay, well, whatever.
Tom: Tom N. Haverford collects globes.
Leslie Knope: Great. That's enough.
Tom: His favorite movie is books.
Leslie Knope: Donna. [Donna kisses Tom] Every time I want you to shut up from now on.


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