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‘Ron and Tammys’ Quotes

Parks and Recreation: Ron and Tammys

402. Ron and Tammys

Aired September 29, 2011

Leslie is drawn into Ron's personal life when Tammy One (guest star Patricia Clarkson) asserts control over him. Ben helps Tom with his financially-mismanaged company.

Quote from Ron Swanson

Ron Swanson: So we need to find proof of every tax deduction I've taken in the last five years.
Leslie Knope: Ron, most of these aren't even receipts. This one says, "I bought supplies. 2007".
Ron Swanson: You won't find any bank statements either. I've heavily invested in gold which I've buried in several different locations around Pawnee. Or have I?

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Quote from Chris

Ann: I would like to shoot a new PSA and I think it'd be good to get someone who's healthy and telegenic, and I thought that you would be perfect.
Chris: Ann Perkins. I am flattered. And I will do it. Is there a script yet?
Ann: Uh, no, because you just approved the idea, like, three seconds ago.
Chris: I would like you to write me a script and get it to me in an hour. And we should start thinking about wardrobe. Casual? Formal? Semi-formal? Sporty? Scary? Posh? Baby? Those are the Spice Girls. I just got caught up in my own thoughts. I'm very excited about this. In terms of shirts, I can wear white...

Quote from Ron Swanson

Leslie Knope: Hey, who's ready to get- What are you doing?
Ron Swanson: Tammy One showed up. I'm being audited by the IRS.
Leslie Knope: No! Your worst nightmare.
Ron Swanson: You know what? Screw this. First of all, income tax is illegal. Second, Tammy is a psychological mastermind. This is just another way for her to put her hand up my keister and control me like a puppet. I'd rather be locked up.

Quote from Ron Swanson

April: What's this? Some kind of lame drug deal?
Ron Swanson: That is a gentleman's agreement. I made that man a dining room table in exchange for 60 feet of copper pipe and a half pig.
Leslie Knope: Well, looks like we have some actual receipts here. Same amount, every month. 140 bucks. What's this?
Ron Swanson: Every 30 days, I buy shotgun shells and cigarettes and send them home to my mom.
Andy: [laughs] That's so sweet. Your mom sounds kick-ass.
[aside to camera:]
Ron Swanson: My first ex-wife's name is Tammy. My second ex-wife's name is Tammy. My mom's name is Tamara. She goes by Tammy.

Quote from Ron Swanson

Leslie Knope: Hello. I don't believe we've met. I am Leslie Knope, deputy-
Tammy One: I don't think it will be necessary for you to speak again while I'm here.
[aside to camera:]
Ron Swanson: Why do I only date brunettes? You know, sometimes you eat chicken and you get food poisoning and then, even the sight of chicken makes you sick? Tammy One is my blonde chicken.

Quote from Ben

Ben: Hey, thanks for texting me to hang out. I've really felt like we've developed a cool friendship, and-- anyway, it was just nice to have that validated.
Tom: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Look, we got some documents over at Entertainment 7Twenty that seem really complicated. And I thought, maybe you could take a look at them because nerd stuff probably really excites you, because you're a nerd.
Ben: No, of course. Yeah, no, I just- Put on my Star Wars pajamas and sit in my mom's basement and pore over some spreadsheets. Sounds great. Yeah. W-w-what'd you got?
Tom: Something called "Break Even Analysis Tables."
Ben: Oh, break evens? Those are really fun. Yeah, sure. I'll take a look.

Quote from Tom

Ben: Look, you guys can swagger around all you want, but businesses need revenue, okay? Unless you start working on an actual plan, you're dead in a month. That's a fact.
Tom: Ben, thanks for your time. But with all due respect, as far as business decisions go, I think we know what we're doing. Don't forget to grab a free iPad on your way out. [Ben walks away] He didn't even have one.

Quote from Leslie Knope

Leslie Knope: Okay guys, a Battle Royale is coming up. Every department in one room arguing for more money. Budgetary Thunder Dome. So, um, make a list of why other departments suck and I gonna get the secret weapon.
[aside to camera:]
Leslie Knope: Our secret weapon in this budgetary battle, Ron. Every time another department asks for more money, he just stares them down until they back off and/or wet themselves.

Quote from Chris

Walt Morphling: [on tape] You can prevent adult-onset diabetes by getting an annual check-up, exercising, praying...
Ann: Okay. [clears throat]
Chris: Who is that guy?
Ann: That is Walt Morphling. He was the director of public health, but he had to retire at 46 because he had diabetes.
Chris: That is sad, but also, in this town, understandable.

Quote from Tom

Tom: Welcome to paradise, my man. You can chill over there by the bar. We also got basketball at any time you want. There's Roy Hibbert and Detlef Schrempf.
Ben: Oh, my God. That's an actual NBA player. He plays for the Pacers.
Tom: NBA's on strike, so we got him for only, like, 75% of his original NBA salary. What up, Roy?
Roy Hibbert: Is this all you want me to do? Play one on one with Detlef?
Tom: Yes. And keep your mouth shut.

Quote from Ben

Ben: Um, hi. Are you the receptionist?
Tessa: I guess. I don't really know.
Tom: If you don't mind me asking, how much are they paying you?
Tessa: $100,000 a year. With full medical.
[aside to camera:]
Ben: I mean, I would guess they'll be bankrupt by the end of... This sentence. [to a waiter with champagne] No, thank you.

Quote from Ron Swanson

April: Is this true? You only spent $40 on clothes in the past 5 years?
Ron Swanson: It sounds about right.
April: How did you meet Tammy One?
Ron Swanson: Technically, I've known her since I was born. She was a Candy Striper at the hospital. She helped deliver me.
All: Oh, my God.
Ron Swanson: I grew up in a very small town. 600 people. Everybody knew everybody else. We first took up together when I was 15.
Andy: Awesome.
Ron Swanson: It was a little scandalous, but everyone feared her, so they kept their mouths shut.
April: I don't even know her, but she's my hero.
Ron Swanson: No, she's no hero, April. She's a hellacious nightmare. She did, however, teach me everything I know. Sunday school, sex. She was my math teacher in middle school and my babysitter, and she taught driver's ed.

Quote from April

April: [aside to camera] She's the cold, distant mother I never had. I love her.

Quote from Ron Swanson

Ron Swanson: [whistling] Good morning, everyone.
Leslie Knope: Good morning, sir. How can I help you? Ron? Your moustache fell off.
Ron Swanson: [laughs] Leslie, you goofball. [laughs] Tammy pointed out that my face looked better without any hair on it. And it did collect a lot of food crumbs, which is very unsanitary. Hey, Jer. Hump day, am I right, buddy? [snaps fingers]
Jerry: What?
Leslie Knope: What is going on? Where's Tammy One?
Ron Swanson: She moved in with me. She's really helping me out. Yesterday, she converted my bank account into a joint bank account with her.
Leslie Knope: Oh. That's great. And how is that gonna help?
Ron Swanson: Not sure. When she explains it, it makes total sense. It is so nice having her around. Here's something neat. Tammy's got me taking baby aspirin to lower my risk of heart disease. Science is a miracle. Any-who, back to the old grindstone. These emails aren't gonna send themselves. [laughs]

Quote from Leslie Knope

Leslie Knope: [aside to camera] When Ron falls for Tammy Two, he turns into a demonic sex maniac. But this? Neutered wimp? This is worse. Operation "Golden Dove" is in trouble.

Quote from Tammy Two

Leslie Knope: Basically, we're being attacked by Godzilla. And to beat Godzilla, we need Mothra. No offense.
Tammy Two: None taken. I'm very flattered. Who's this? Who's this tall drink of water?
Andy: Andy.
Tammy Two: Hey, Andy. How's it hanging?
Leslie Knope: Listen, we need you to break Ron from her spell. Can't you just move your butt around, or wear a dress made out of meat?
Tammy Two: Well I could do all those things and have, but that bitch is crazy. When Ron left her and we got together, she threw acid on my foot.
April: Eww!
Andy: Could we take a peek at it?
Tammy Two: Listen, Tammy One was my Sunday school teacher, too. She can pinpoint your weaknesses, and then destroy you with just one word. And a jar of acid.
Leslie Knope: Oh, my God.

Quote from Leslie Knope

Tammy Zero: You were right to come get me. My son Ronnie always had a weakness for those ladies.
Leslie Knope: Oh, wow. Is this Ron?
Tammy Zero: Yup. At the age of five. He's standing next to the first chair he ever built.
Andy: Oh, my God! There's a room full of just guns.
Leslie Knope: Why do you have so many guns?
Tammy Zero: This is America, isn't it?
Leslie Knope: Yes.
Tammy Zero: Then I don't have to answer stupid questions while standing on my own property. Let's go. [whistles]
April: Okay. Well, it's definitely Ron's mom.

Quote from Ron Swanson

Ron Swanson: Mom, you're going back to the farm. And you, you're going back to hell.
Tammy One: Fine. I got what I came for anyway. I found your underground safe. I stole half your gold.
Ron Swanson: That's decoy gold. You think I'd leave my gold in a locked safe buried underground, where anyone could find it? You don't know me at all.
Tammy One: Yes, I do. I knew you the minute you were born. And I intend to be there the minute you die.
Leslie Knope: Ron, your family's weird.

Quote from Ben

Ben: Literally, there's a-- Someone reading a magazine, and someone applying nail polish. What's that- What is she doing? She's just playing with an iPad. Tom told me that chair was $27,000. That chair that has a roof. The- There's someone over there in a deep sleep. She's probably being paid upwards of $100,000 a year. There's this video of a boat. Look at that thing. What is that? What are you supposed to do with that thing?


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