Perd Hapley: Now, Leslie, I understand that what you've brought to the show isn't a box of objects, but rather a symbolic box of allegations.
Leslie Knope: Well, Perd--
Perd Hapley: It's Judge Perd.
Leslie Knope: Okay. Uh, I think there are certain questions about certain aspects of certain parts of this situation that require an evaluation about whether or not this is or is not a valid argument.
Perd Hapley: Extremely well-put.

Perd Hapley: Welcome to "Ya' Heard? With Perd". I'm Perd Hapley, the Perd I mentioned a second ago when I was telling you the name of my show. Now, here today are two people who are also my guests. Leslie Knope from the Department of the Interior and Congressman Ben Wyatt.
Leslie Knope: Hi, Perd.
Ben: Hey, Perd. How are you?
Perd Hapley: I guess my first question is more of a query. What did you want to talk about?

Announcer: This is The Perdples Court, a legal debate show about issues facing residents of Southern Indiana. With your host, Judge Perd Hapley.
Perd Hapley: Tonight, on The Perdples Court, we will have the guests that have been booked for tonight's show. The plaintiff, Leslie Knope, who has some big allegations against Gryzzl. The defendant, Gryzzl Vice President Roscoe Santangelo. Who will win? I don't know yet. Which is what makes this a court show.

Perd Hapley: To be honest, Judge Perd is stumped by this case. I've also misplaced my judge hammer. I cannot render a verdict here. Therefore, I must declare a mistrial, which is a term I've heard people use in the movies. Tap, tap, tap. Case ended.

Perd Hapley: You heard it here first, ladies and gentlemen. And the "it" that you heard was the things that these people just said. Now, a word from our sponsors.

Leslie Knope: We know that you were already approached by Sweetums and you said "No," but is there any way you would reconsider?
Perd Hapley: I'm sorry, Miss Knope. There is such a thing as journalistic integrity, and it is something that I have as a journalist with integrity.
Ann: It's really important, Perd. Please? Come on. For old time's sake.
Perd Hapley: Well, the story of that appeal is it was heartfelt. And in response to that appeal, I respond: Okay.

Perd Hapley: "Now listen to some words from our sponsors," are the words I'm saying right now.

Marcia Langman: Perd, we strongly believe in teaching and practicing abstinence.
Marshall Langman: [camp voice] We all have some crazy urges from time to time, but you just can't act on them. You have to bury them way down deep inside. You have to say, "Get out of here, you crazy urges! You are not welcome in this brain of mine!"
Perd Hapley: There are some statistics that I'd like to share with you now, and they are numbers. Some 85% of Pawnee residents support abstinence-only education.
Marshall Langman: And the other 15% are perverts. J.K., you guys. [laughs]
Perd Hapley: And 100% of Pawneeans are "Perd-verts." That's the name I call fans of this show based on the fact that my name is Perd. We'll see you after the break, Perd-verts.

Kathryn Pinewood: [online video] Apparently, she can't be bothered to stay here in Pawnee, not when there's Europe to gallivant around in.
Perd Hapley: Well, we conducted a Perd poll and asked this question: 48% said she should not be in Europe, 17% say it's okay, and 35% said they were confused by the way the question was posed.

[on TV broadcast:]
Announcer: This is "The Final Word with Perd." With your host, Perderick L. Hapley.
Perd Hapley: Issue number one is the first issue we're going to talk about. Is Bobby Newport's campaign for city council in trouble? When I say your names, I want you to respond. Dylan.
Dylan: Well, Newport's poll numbers have been plummeting. They just fired his campaign manager, and where's Bobby? He's on vacation in Spain.
Lisa: He's not on vacation, he's in hiding. Every time the guy speaks, he puts his foot in his mouth.
Perd Hapley: [laughs] That's a hilarious image. A foot in a mouth.
Lisa: It's a common expression.