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‘Sweetums’ Quotes

Parks and Recreation: Sweetums

215. Sweetums

Aired February 4, 2010

When the Parks Department makes a deal with a local confectionery company to sell energy bars, Leslie and Ann try to veto the deal on health grounds. Meanwhile, Tom gets his colleagues to help him move out of Wendy's house.

Quote from Ron Swanson

Ron Swanson: [aside to camera] I could not be happier about this. I think the entire government should be privatized. Chuck E. Cheese could run the parks. Everything operated by tokens. Drop in a token, go on the swing set. Drop in another token, take a walk. Drop in a token, look at a duck.

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Quote from Ann

Ann: [aside to camera] Generally, I like to stay out of other people's business. But Pawnee is the fourth most obese city in America. The kids here are beefy. They're just husky, big-boned, plus-sized chunk monsters. I call 'em like I see them.

Quote from Ron Swanson

Ron Swanson: Leslie! Even though I didn't invite you, you came here anyway. I respect that, because you made a choice as a free American.
Ann: What are you eating?
Ron Swanson: I call this "turf and turf." It's a 16-ounce T-bone and a 24-ounce porterhouse. Also, whiskey and a cigar. I'm gonna consume all of this at the same time because I am a free American.
Waiter: No cigars inside, sir.
Ron Swanson: Fine. I will smoke the entire thing outside. Even though it is bad for me, I am going to do it.
Ann: Why is he being such an ass?
Leslie Knope: It's a long story.
Ron Swanson: It's freezing outside, so I will not be smoking this cigar. But rest assured, I could if I wanted to, because this...
Leslie Knope: This is America, right? Is it?

Quote from Ron Swanson

Ann: NutriYums energy bars are just absolutely loaded with high-fructose corn syrup and fatty oils. And any way you slice it, they're just extremely unhealthy for you.
[aside to camera:]
Ron Swanson: Leslie needs to butt out. The whole point of this country is, if you want to eat garbage, balloon up to 600 pounds and die of a heart attack at 43, you can. You are free to do so. To me, that's beautiful.

Quote from Ron Swanson

Ron Swanson: Okay. Time to vote. All those who would like the bloated corpse of the government to keep running the snack bars at taxpayer expense, raise your hands. [Leslie and Ann raise their hands]
Leslie Knope: That seems like an unfair phrasing. And all those in favor of letting this heartless corporation, Sweetums, stuff your children with sugary crap, raise your hand. [Ron and everyone else raise their hands]
Ron Swanson: Thank you, everybody.

Quote from Leslie Knope

Leslie Knope: Look, I don't know if you're being a jerk on purpose just to prove you have the right to be a jerk, but either way, you're being a jerk. So, here. Take the booze chart.
Ron Swanson: Are you kidding me?
Leslie Knope: No. If you're gonna drink, you should use it, okay? I'm gonna head out. By the way, maybe it's none of my business, but if you eat three pounds of steak every day, you're gonna die. And although I've already written your eulogy, and it's incredibly touching, I would prefer not to give it for a while. The first line, by the way? "O Captain! My Captain! Ron Swanson, a swan song." Yeah, and it gets better from there.

Quote from Ann

Ann: Any questions?
Man #1: If sugar is so bad, how come Jesus made it taste so good?
Ann: Uh... [to another person] Yes?
Woman: But isn't all food bad for you? I've been eating lasagna and muffins every day of my life for 40 years and I feel terrible.
Ann: Right.
Man #2: What's so bad about corn syrup? It's natural. Corn's a fruit. Syrup comes from a bush.
Ann: Oh, boy.

Quote from Tom

Tom: Hi, I'm Tom Haverford. I work at the Parks Department.
Justin: It's a little douchie.
Tom: Good call, J.
[aside to camera:]
Tom: I'm getting divorced, so I'm trying to up my game. Who am I supposed to ask for fashion advice? Jerry? He wears the same soup-stained khakis every day. Justin's my savior. He's like an issue of GQ that's come to life.

Quote from Tom

Tom: Tommy Timberlake.
Leslie Knope: You look like Encyclopedia Brown.
[cut:]
Tom: Sequins!
Justin: Try it without the gloves.
[cut:]
Tom: Sequins, minus the gloves.
[cut:]
Tom: Hey, what's up? I'm Tom. Is my shirt lighting up? 'Cause I didn't even notice.
[cut:]
Tom: All right, guys. Let's talk accessories. Be honest. Which cane do you like better? Dragon? Serpent? Dragon? Serpent?
[cut:]
Tom: Belt buckle, says, "What's cracking?" I can have it say whatever I want. It can say, "What's cracking? I'm Tom. "What's cracking, girl? What's cracking, boo?"
[cut:]
Tom: Eagle medallion! [caws]
Leslie Knope: Well, as far as white, leather suits go...
Justin: It's horrible.
Donna: I like it.

Quote from Leslie Knope

Randall: Sweetums has been Pawnee's leading sweet-treat manufacturer for over 80 years. And we are so excited about our new partnership with the Parks Department.
[aside to camera:]
Leslie Knope: [sucking lollipop] Starting next month, Sweetums is gonna take over the concession stands in our parks. I mean, I don't love the idea of corporate sponsorship, but Sweetums is an institution. When you think of Pawnee, you think of Sweetums.

Quote from Mark

Tom: Brendanawicz! Quick question, do you personally know Xzibit? Because I was checking out that pickup truck of yours, and that ride is pimped!
Mark: It's really nice of you to compliment my pickup truck with no ulterior motives.
Tom: Yeah, so, listen, I need to move some stuff this weekend into my new bachelor pad, since my divorce is finally going down. Just some odds and ends. You can bring up the Mark-mobile, help me move, right?
Mark: I'm totally blanking on a valid excuse right now, so, yes. I'll help you.
Tom: My boy!
[aside to camera:]
Mark: I [bleep] hate having a pickup truck.

Quote from Leslie Knope

Ron Swanson: Ready to go?
Leslie Knope: Yes. Your keys, please.
Ron Swanson: You gotta be kidding me. I'm fine.
Leslie Knope: Well, we'll let the chart be the judge of that. What are you, 5'11", 210 pounds, three whiskeys? Looks like you are just over the line into impaired.
Ron Swanson: You carry that with you all the time?
Leslie Knope: It comes in handy. And on the back, it teaches you how to play blackjack.

Quote from Leslie Knope

Ron Swanson: Swansons have a preternaturally high tolerance for alcohol. My old man used to put Wild Turkey on his Corn Flakes.
Leslie Knope: I'm not gonna argue with you, Ron. We're just gonna sit and wait until, you know, you're safe to drive, which would be in about one hour.
[cut to Ron in the driver's seat of his car as Leslie sits on the hood:]
Leslie Knope: "Insurance is a side bet when you wager half of your original bet because you believe the dealer has a 10 in the hole."
Ron Swanson: [horn honks] Get off my car, woman!
Leslie Knope: Twenty minutes. The dealer really has an advantage. That's what I get the most from this.

Quote from Ron Swanson

Leslie Knope: Hey, Ron.
Ron Swanson: Morning, Leslie. Did you have a good night?
Leslie Knope: I did. I watched a really good doc... What is that?
Ron Swanson: This is what I did last night. After I got home, I drank six more glasses of whiskey and then I finished crafting this small harp, using a band saw, a spoke shave and an oscillating spindle sander. [harp strings ring harmoniously]
Leslie Knope: Beautiful.
Ron Swanson: But wait, there's more. Here are some photographs of me drinking the whiskey. You'll notice I'm holding up yesterday's newspaper, so you can tell that I'm not lying. [harp strings ring harmoniously]
Leslie Knope: Mmm. I feel like I'm in a spa.

Quote from Leslie Knope

Leslie Knope: Hey, Marci.
Marci: Leslie. Are they finally teaching you Parks people how to read? Oh, I guess not. It's a movie.
Leslie Knope: You're pretty cocky for someone whose job is obsolete because of the Internet. [laughs]

Quote from Leslie Knope

Marci: Hmm. You seem to have a $40 late fee on a book called [loudly] Mysteries of the Female Orgasm.
Leslie Knope: No, I don't.
Marci: Yeah, you do.
Leslie Knope: Ann, grab the movie! Go, go, go, go! Punk-ass book jockeys!

Quote from Ron Swanson

Leslie Knope: Sidebar, Ron. I did some research, and NutriYums are terrible for you.
Ron Swanson: I don't care. We're doing it.
Leslie Knope: That's a... We're in a sidebar. Do you not care about your city's health?
Ron Swanson: I care about the people's right to consume whatever they want.

Quote from Tom

Andy: Dude, Deep Blue Sea. Greatest movie ever made.
Tom: That's the Canadian version, 22 extra minutes, and there's a bonus audio track where LL Cool J raps all his dialog.

Quote from Tom

Tom: So, this is a really big room I need packed up, guys.
Mark: This is your bedroom?
Tom: No, it's a spare room I converted into a walk-in closet lhome fitness center.
Mark: What is that?
Tom: Oh. I strapped an MP3 player to one of those floor cleaning robots. I call him "DJ Roomba." Little guy cruises around and plays music. What's hot, DJ Roomba? [music plays] DJ Roomba, tearing it up!
Andy: He likes me.

Quote from Ann

Man #3: How do we know you're really a nurse?
Ann: I am, I promise. I work at Saint Joe's.
Man #3: Well, the point is, my friend thinks you're cute. Give me your number so he can have it.
Ann: Yeah, that's not gonna happen.
Man #3: Can I have your e-mail address?
Ann: Oh, my God.
Man #3: I just got on AOL.
Ann: No!
Man #2: I think we ought to throw those bars out and eat ham-and-mayonnaise sandwiches.
Ann: That's not a good idea.
Man #2: Ham and mayonnaise!
Ann: That's not... No.
All: [chanting] Ham and mayonnaise!

Quote from Donna

Mark: Okay, Donna. Where do you want this?
Donna: Uh-uh. That's it. My baby has a delicate suspension.
Mark: Are you kidding me?
Donna: No, I'm not. Move.

Quote from Leslie Knope

Nick Newport: [on video] I'm Nick Newport, president of Sweetums, giving you a look inside our corn syrup factory. This is all-new, high-fructose corn syrup, a miracle product that's sweeter than sugar, but cheaper to produce! Cheap, delicious, sugary corn is currently being used by farms to fatten up their cows and pigs. Look how fat those cows are! Fat, happy and docile, the way we like them.
Leslie Knope: So, you still want to claim that corn syrup is healthy?
Randall: Corn syrup is natural, and it's fine in moderation. But don't take my word for it. Ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Nick Newport, Jr! All right! [applause]

Quote from Leslie Knope

Leslie Knope: Wow. Mr. Newport, Jr., thank you so much for coming. But don't you think that every person has a right to know what they're putting in their bodies? Right, everybody?
Man: Is Shoelace here? Where's Shoelace?
Nick Newport, Jr.: Shoelace couldn't make it. But I do agree with this nice lady. That's why I say we should let the people be the judge. Denver?
Denver: Everybody! Check under your seats!
Man: Look, look! I got chocolate!
Leslie Knope: Denver, you little son of a bitch.


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