Ron Swanson: [aside to camera] I could not be happier about this. I think the entire government should be privatized. Chuck E. Cheese could run the parks. Everything operated by tokens. Drop in a token, go on the swing set. Drop in another token, take a walk. Drop in a token, look at a duck.

Ann: [aside to camera] Generally, I like to stay out of other people's business. But Pawnee is the fourth most obese city in America. The kids here are beefy. They're just husky, big-boned, plus-sized chunk monsters. I call 'em like I see them.

Ron Swanson: Leslie! Even though I didn't invite you, you came here anyway. I respect that, because you made a choice as a free American.
Ann: What are you eating?
Ron Swanson: I call this "turf and turf." It's a 16-ounce T-bone and a 24-ounce porterhouse. Also, whiskey and a cigar. I'm gonna consume all of this at the same time because I am a free American.
Waiter: No cigars inside, sir.
Ron Swanson: Fine. I will smoke the entire thing outside. Even though it is bad for me, I am going to do it.
Ann: Why is he being such an ass?
Leslie Knope: It's a long story.
Ron Swanson: It's freezing outside, so I will not be smoking this cigar. But rest assured, I could if I wanted to, because this...
Leslie Knope: This is America, right? Is it?

Ann: NutriYums energy bars are just absolutely loaded with high-fructose corn syrup and fatty oils. And any way you slice it, they're just extremely unhealthy for you.
[aside to camera:]
Ron Swanson: Leslie needs to butt out. The whole point of this country is, if you want to eat garbage, balloon up to 600 pounds and die of a heart attack at 43, you can. You are free to do so. To me, that's beautiful.

Ron Swanson: Okay. Time to vote. All those who would like the bloated corpse of the government to keep running the snack bars at taxpayer expense, raise your hands. [Leslie and Ann raise their hands]
Leslie Knope: That seems like an unfair phrasing. And all those in favor of letting this heartless corporation, Sweetums, stuff your children with sugary crap, raise your hand. [Ron and everyone else raise their hands]
Ron Swanson: Thank you, everybody.

Leslie Knope: Look, I don't know if you're being a jerk on purpose just to prove you have the right to be a jerk, but either way, you're being a jerk. So, here. Take the booze chart.
Ron Swanson: Are you kidding me?
Leslie Knope: No. If you're gonna drink, you should use it, okay? I'm gonna head out. By the way, maybe it's none of my business, but if you eat three pounds of steak every day, you're gonna die. And although I've already written your eulogy, and it's incredibly touching, I would prefer not to give it for a while. The first line, by the way? "O Captain! My Captain! Ron Swanson, a swan song." Yeah, and it gets better from there.

Ann: Any questions?
Man #1: If sugar is so bad, how come Jesus made it taste so good?
Ann: Uh... [to another person] Yes?
Woman: But isn't all food bad for you? I've been eating lasagna and muffins every day of my life for 40 years and I feel terrible.
Ann: Right.
Man #2: What's so bad about corn syrup? It's natural. Corn's a fruit. Syrup comes from a bush.
Ann: Oh, boy.

Leslie Knope: Hey, Ron.
Ron Swanson: Morning, Leslie. Did you have a good night?
Leslie Knope: I did. I watched a really good doc... What is that?
Ron Swanson: This is what I did last night. After I got home, I drank six more glasses of whiskey and then I finished crafting this small harp, using a band saw, a spoke shave and an oscillating spindle sander. [harp strings ring harmoniously]
Leslie Knope: Beautiful.
Ron Swanson: But wait, there's more. Here are some photographs of me drinking the whiskey. You'll notice I'm holding up yesterday's newspaper, so you can tell that I'm not lying. [harp strings ring harmoniously]
Leslie Knope: Mmm. I feel like I'm in a spa.

Tom: Hi, I'm Tom Haverford. I work at the Parks Department.
Justin: It's a little douchie.
Tom: Good call, J.
[aside to camera:]
Tom: I'm getting divorced, so I'm trying to up my game. Who am I supposed to ask for fashion advice? Jerry? He wears the same soup-stained khakis every day. Justin's my savior. He's like an issue of GQ that's come to life.

Tom: Tommy Timberlake.
Leslie Knope: You look like Encyclopedia Brown.
[cut:]
Tom: Sequins!
Justin: Try it without the gloves.
[cut:]
Tom: Sequins, minus the gloves.
[cut:]
Tom: Hey, what's up? I'm Tom. Is my shirt lighting up? 'Cause I didn't even notice.
[cut:]
Tom: All right, guys. Let's talk accessories. Be honest. Which cane do you like better? Dragon? Serpent? Dragon? Serpent?
[cut:]
Tom: Belt buckle, says, "What's cracking?" I can have it say whatever I want. It can say, "What's cracking? I'm Tom. "What's cracking, girl? What's cracking, boo?"
[cut:]
Tom: Eagle medallion! [caws]
Leslie Knope: Well, as far as white, leather suits go...
Justin: It's horrible.
Donna: I like it.