Ben: Now you said your new landlord didn't give you a chance to counter. Who is it?
JJ: It was a company with a weird-sounding name. Hang on.
Andy: Was it Putin? Voldemort Putin? Of Russia? I'd love to take that bastard down.

Leslie Knope: Ron? What do you say? Dynamic duo get together one more time to try to save JJ's Diner?
Ron Swanson: I can't think of anything more noble to go to war over than bacon and eggs.

Leslie Knope: All right, everybody, listen up. We're here today because JJ's Diner has been a part of Pawnee for 41 years. And this man right here built that diner from the ground up with his own two hands.
JJ: That's not true.
Leslie Knope: It's called constructing a narrative, JJ. You stick to the breakfast. I'll deal with the politics. So, now, let's hear from a man who knows the value of things staying the same. Ron Swanson. [cheering]
Ron Swanson: I do not like rallies. And based on what I see from this vantage point, I do not like most of you. What I do like is breakfast food. JJ's has very good breakfast food, so it should remain open. Please do not approach me on the street after this event and attempt to talk to me. Our similarities begin and end with this single issue.
Leslie Knope: Ron Swanson.

Leslie Knope: It's over. They won. Everything is changing. This town is going to be unrecognizable in ten years. Even JJ's Diner is disappearing.
JJ: What can I get you guys?
Leslie Knope: However many waffles it takes to keep you in business.
[aside to camera:]
Leslie Knope: I'm happy with some of the changes that Pawnee has gone through. I mean, the standard of living is up. We have pressed juice bars and yoga studios and a pet hotel. But I think the town is losing some of its charm. And there's too much kale now. One place asked me if I wanted kale in my milkshake. My milkshake, you guys.

Leslie Knope: The cologne guy? Oh, it figures. That guy is the worst. Okay. We are gonna take him down with an old-fashioned public rally. April, I need you to get the word out, with whatever method of communication young people are using these days.
April: Oh, yeah, tiny rolled-up scrolls delivered by trained foxes. I'm on it.

Martha: Hi, sorry I'm late. We've had this listing for seven years, and no one's ever asked to see it. I thought this was a prank call.
April: This place has everything. Vermin, bullet holes, a hornets nest.

Andy: I've got a meeting as well. See you back at the house.
Ben: Andy has a meeting?
[cut to Dennis Feinstein's TP'd office:]
Dennis Feinstein: Upload it to my GryzzlGlass. Left eye. I'm watching porn with my right eye. Whoa. Who...did...this?
Andy: We did. One way or another, Jonathan Karate always gets his man. And like that, they were gone. [whistles] Go! Wait, where's-- Hey, guys, where's Gavin? Gav-- Wait, stop. There were supposed to be six ninjas. Where's Gavin? Gavin? Who was Gavin's buddy? Caleb? Come on, dude, why do we even have a buddy system? Is he in the bathroom? You need to tell me if Gavin is pooping. [children laugh] No, do not laugh, okay? You're not even Caleb. You're Gavin. You're Caleb. If you're Caleb, where's Hunter? Hunter? Hunter? Okay, who was Hunter's buddy? Hmm? Oh, I was. Oh, crap. Oh, Dennis, what a mess.
Dennis Feinstein: You have 30 seconds to get out of this facility.

Tom: There's actually one more cake you haven't tried yet.
[aside to camera:]
Tom: Donna has chosen me to be the Butler of Honor at her wedding. Now granted, Butler of Honor is a term I made up, but it's not a job I take lightly. That's why I'm about to give her a surprise bigger than when LeBron went back to Miami.
[back:]
Donna: Oh, my God. DJ Bluntz? [boom box plays hip-hop] What is happening right now?
Tom: I think you know what's happening.
Joe: But- But for real, though. What- What's happening?
Tom: Treat yo' self.
Both: [sing] Treat yo' self 2017

Leslie Knope: [aside to camera] Ron and I had a little falling out, but we are back, baby. And just like Joey Fatone and Lance Bass, we are totally in sync. [Ron goes for a handshake, Leslie goes for a high-five, then vice versa] Come on. Okay. Just give me a... [Ron pats Leslie's head] Oh. We're in sync emotionally. Stop patting my head.

Leslie Knope: All I wanted was 25 square miles of land valued at $100 million given to me for free. Is that too much to ask?