Parks and Recreation - Ron Swanson Quote #394
Ron Swanson: [aside to camera] Tom and April were excellent witnesses in my defense. Unfortunately, every single word out of their mouths was a lie. There's only one thing I hate more than lying. Skim milk. Which is water that's lying about being milk.
Quote from Tom
Tom: I don't understand. I was great. I was like Mark Z in The Social "N." My testimony was amazing for your case.
Ron Swanson: But it wasn't the truth. And neither was yours. You even called me a... [whispers] vegetarian. What if that testimony leaks? How will people ever respect me?
April: Ugh, whatever. The truth is stupid. I only tell the truth when it makes me sound like I'm lying.
Tom: Yeah, lying is all I know. It's how I was able to scrape by on the streets of Bombay and make it on the Indian version of Who Wants To Be a Millionaire and get reunited with the love of my life, Latika.
Quote from Ron Swanson
Andy: Ron, hey, let me be your lawyer. I'll object to everything anyone says, trial will go on forever, you don't have to pay. Problem solved.
Ron Swanson: That's a kind offer, Andrew, but I won't be hiring an attorney. I'll represent myself, as I do in all legal matters and livestock auctions.
Quote from Ron Swanson
April: Okay, well, we all told the truth, and Jamm's definitely going to win.
Tom: What do we do now?
Ron Swanson: I intend to do as the court orders. Do you know if one can pay court-ordered settlements in gold? All of my money's in gold. I also have some money in palladium.
Tom: What if it's a huge amount? Are you gonna be okay financially?
Ron Swanson: I think so. I'm actually not sure how much money I have. But I do know how many pounds of money I have.
Quote from Gin It Up!
Ron Swanson: That's your will? You need that many pages to say, "Give my stuff to my wife"?
Ben: It's a complicated legal document.
Ron Swanson: It doesn't have to be. I've had the same will since I was eight years old.
Ben: "Upon my death, all of my belongings shall transfer to the man or animal who has killed me." What are these weird symbols?
Ron Swanson: The man who kills me will know.
Quote from Ms. Knope Goes to Washington
Ranger Patrick: Hey, Ron. You're not going to slaughter that pig here, are you?
Ron Swanson: Not to worry. I have a permit.
Ranger Patrick: This just says, "I can do what I want."
Ron Swanson: I am the director of the Parks Department, and this is a park.
Ranger Patrick: It's not a Parks thing. It's against, like, three laws and a dozen health codes.
Ron Swanson: Fine. Barbecue is postponed until I can go pick up some meat from the Food 'n' Stuff. Let's go, Tom. No, pig Tom. [Donna laughs]
Quote from Go Big or Go Home
Ron Swanson: Under my tutelage, you will grow from boys into men. From men into gladiators. And from gladiators into Swansons. Behold. The Swanson Pyramid of Greatness.
[aside to camera:]
Ron Swanson: I've been developing the Swanson Pyramid of Greatness for years. It's a perfectly calibrated recipe for maximum personal achievement. Categories include:
Ron Swanson: Capitalism, God's way of determining who is smart, and who is poor. Crying, acceptable at funerals and the Grand Canyon. Rage, poise, property rights. Fish, for sport only. Not for meat. Fish meat is practically a vegetable. Haircuts. There are three acceptable haircuts. High and tight, crew cut, buzz cut. Are the scissors broken in your house, son?