Ann: Leslie, relax.
Leslie Knope: Yeah. Okay? I just have a few more questions for you, Ann. What if he shows up with another woman? What if one of my sleeves catches on fire and it spreads rapidly? What if instead of Tic Tacs, I accidentally pop a couple of Ambien and I have to keep punching my leg to stay awake?
Ann: Those are all insane hypotheticals. And I promise you they won't happen.
Leslie Knope: They have happened. All of these have happened to me.
[aside to camera:]
Leslie Knope: No, there's more. One time, I accidentally drank an entire bottle of vinegar. I thought it was terrible wine. Once I went out with a guy who wore 3D glasses the entire evening. Oh, one time I rode in a sidecar on a guy's motorcycle, and the sidecar detached and went down a flight of stairs. Another time, I went to a really boring movie with a guy, and while I was asleep, he tried to pull out one of my teeth. I literally woke up with his hand in my mouth. We went out a couple times after that, but then he got weird.

Ron Swanson: [aside to camera] I've established a scientifically perfect 10-point scale of human beauty. Wendy is a 7.4, which is way too high for Tom, who is a 3.8. Ten is tennis legend Steffi Graf.

Tom: Hey, Donna. Let me ask you something. Do you hate black people?
Donna: Excuse me?
Tom: 'Cause, apparently, in 1988, you donated money to the presidential campaign for David Duke.
April: The KKK guy?
Donna: I got a phone call. They said he would lower taxes.

April: [to camera] Is it weird that my feelings are hurt that no one's found any dirt on me yet? Hello! I drove a riding lawn mower through a Nordstrom! There's video that I took! It's on the Internet. Nothing.

Tom: Hey. This is gonna sound weird. I'm looking for a guy named Duke Silver.
Bartender: Yeah, he goes on in a second.
Emcee: Ladies, ladies, ladies, it's just about that time. It's with the jazziest pleasure that I bring out for you, my man, Mr. Duke Silver!
Ron Swanson: Thank you, Dwayne. As always, it is a thrill to be here, during this witching hour with you lovely ladies. Now, relax, and let the Duke Silver Trio take you on a little journey to yourself. [jazz band plays Foreigner's "I Want To Know What Love Is"]

Ron Swanson: It's been a real gift making sonic love to you tonight. If you want more of the Duke, both my albums are for sale here, Smooth As Silver and Hi Ho, Duke. And look for my new CD next month, The Memories of Now. So, come see me, come talk to me, come love with me, and maybe we can walk through fire together. Thank you. Good night.
Tom: Duke! Huge fan.

Ron Swanson: I will play, too, if only to prove that I can find more dirt on you than you can on me.
April: That's why we're all playing.
Ron Swanson: Your desk is over there.
[aside to camera:]
April: I love games that turn people against each other.

Mark: Hey. Hi there. What are you... What are you doing here?
Ann: Just having lunch with Leslie. What are you up to?
Mark: Oh, I'm looking for scandalous information about my co-workers, for a game that we're playing.
Ann: My taxes pay your salary, right?
Mark: Yeah.
Ann: Cool.

Leslie Knope: Hi, Dave.
Ann: You're late. And I can see your nipples through your dress.
Leslie Knope: What? No. Really?
[aside to camera:]
Ann: In nursing school, we took a psych course on how to treat phobias with a method called "exposure therapy." So, like, if you were afraid of snakes, they would immerse you in a tank of snakes. So, I am going to immerse Leslie in a tank of bad date.

Bill Dexhart: [on TV] And to my wife, I apologize. All I can say is I wasn't just having sex, I was making love to a beautiful woman and her boyfriend, and a third person, whose name I never learned. Furthermore, it was wrong of me to say I was building houses for the underprivileged, when I was actually having four-way sex in a cave in Brazil.
Tom: I bet cave sex is insane.
Leslie Knope: Why?
Tom: Because of the echoes and the humidity.
Donna: Mmm-hmm.