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‘Practice Date’ Quotes

Parks and Recreation: Practice Date

204. Practice Date

Aired October 8, 2009

Ahead of Leslie's first date with Dave Sanderson, Ann takes her out on a practice date to refine her dating skills. Meanwhile, following a local sex scandal, the Parks staff try to dig up dirt on each other.

Quote from Leslie Knope

Ann: Leslie, relax.
Leslie Knope: Yeah. Okay? I just have a few more questions for you, Ann. What if he shows up with another woman? What if one of my sleeves catches on fire and it spreads rapidly? What if instead of Tic Tacs, I accidentally pop a couple of Ambien and I have to keep punching my leg to stay awake?
Ann: Those are all insane hypotheticals. And I promise you they won't happen.
Leslie Knope: They have happened. All of these have happened to me.
[aside to camera:]
Leslie Knope: No, there's more. One time, I accidentally drank an entire bottle of vinegar. I thought it was terrible wine. Once I went out with a guy who wore 3D glasses the entire evening. Oh, one time I rode in a sidecar on a guy's motorcycle, and the sidecar detached and went down a flight of stairs. Another time, I went to a really boring movie with a guy, and while I was asleep, he tried to pull out one of my teeth. I literally woke up with his hand in my mouth. We went out a couple times after that, but then he got weird.

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Quote from Ron Swanson

Ron Swanson: [aside to camera] I've established a scientifically perfect 10-point scale of human beauty. Wendy is a 7.4, which is way too high for Tom, who is a 3.8. Ten is tennis legend Steffi Graf.

Quote from Donna

Tom: Hey, Donna. Let me ask you something. Do you hate black people?
Donna: Excuse me?
Tom: 'Cause, apparently, in 1988, you donated money to the presidential campaign for David Duke.
April: The KKK guy?
Donna: I got a phone call. They said he would lower taxes.

Quote from April

April: [to camera] Is it weird that my feelings are hurt that no one's found any dirt on me yet? Hello! I drove a riding lawn mower through a Nordstrom! There's video that I took! It's on the Internet. Nothing.

Quote from Ron Swanson

Tom: Hey. This is gonna sound weird. I'm looking for a guy named Duke Silver.
Bartender: Yeah, he goes on in a second.
Emcee: Ladies, ladies, ladies, it's just about that time. It's with the jazziest pleasure that I bring out for you, my man, Mr. Duke Silver!
Ron Swanson: Thank you, Dwayne. As always, it is a thrill to be here, during this witching hour with you lovely ladies. Now, relax, and let the Duke Silver Trio take you on a little journey to yourself. [jazz band plays Foreigner's "I Want To Know What Love Is"]

Quote from Ron Swanson

Ron Swanson: It's been a real gift making sonic love to you tonight. If you want more of the Duke, both my albums are for sale here, Smooth As Silver and Hi Ho, Duke. And look for my new CD next month, The Memories of Now. So, come see me, come talk to me, come love with me, and maybe we can walk through fire together. Thank you. Good night.
Tom: Duke! Huge fan.

Quote from Tom

Bill Dexhart: [on TV] And to my wife, I apologize. All I can say is I wasn't just having sex, I was making love to a beautiful woman and her boyfriend, and a third person, whose name I never learned. Furthermore, it was wrong of me to say I was building houses for the underprivileged, when I was actually having four-way sex in a cave in Brazil.
Tom: I bet cave sex is insane.
Leslie Knope: Why?
Tom: Because of the echoes and the humidity.
Donna: Mmm-hmm.

Quote from Leslie Knope

Leslie Knope: [aside to camera] I think it's a real shame when people focus on the tawdry details of a scandal. Personally, all I care about is Councilman Dexhart's policies. Not whether he was high on nitrous and cocaine during the cave sex. Which, by the way, I heard he was.

Quote from Tom

Perd Hapley: [on TV] One more shocking revelation in a story that just won't stop unfolding. It turns out Councilman Dexhart may have also had sex with a prostitute in the limousine on the way to and from the press conference where he apologized for having an affair. Perd Hapley, Channel Four Eyewitness News.
Mark: Why does anybody wanna run for public office? You're just asking to have your entire life exposed.
Tom: Well, if you're squeaky clean, like I am, there's no problem.
Mark: Tom, you're married, and you hit on women constantly.
Tom: Yeah, but I've never sealed the deal. Just window-shopping. You can fly to Brazil, just don't enter the cave. Am I right? Up top!

Quote from April

Ron Swanson: I will play, too, if only to prove that I can find more dirt on you than you can on me.
April: That's why we're all playing.
Ron Swanson: Your desk is over there.
[aside to camera:]
April: I love games that turn people against each other.

Quote from Ann

Mark: Hey. Hi there. What are you... What are you doing here?
Ann: Just having lunch with Leslie. What are you up to?
Mark: Oh, I'm looking for scandalous information about my co-workers, for a game that we're playing.
Ann: My taxes pay your salary, right?
Mark: Yeah.
Ann: Cool.

Quote from Leslie Knope

Ann: And he looked up at me, and he said, "Thank you. You saved my life."
Leslie Knope: Yeah. Hey, listen, I'm really nervous about this date tomorrow night. Do you have, like, a first date outfit I can borrow? Like, I don't know, a pair of cargo pants?
Ann: Yeah, I wouldn't go with a cargo pant.
Leslie Knope: What about, like, a sexy hat?
Ann: I don't know what that even is.
Leslie Knope: Helping already.
Ann: Do you wanna just come by after work today?
Leslie Knope: Sure. Yeah. Tonight? Several hours from now?
Ann: Or you could just come over now?
Leslie Knope: I think that would be better. Yeah, that would give us more time. Let's go.

Quote from Leslie Knope

Leslie Knope: Hey, while I have you, can I ask you a question?
Ann: Shoot.
Leslie Knope: What if he asks me if I've been married?
Ann: Have you?
Leslie Knope: No.
Ann: Well, then, say that.
Leslie Knope: But then he'll wonder why I haven't been married. You know what I'm gonna do? I'm gonna say that I was married. The real question is, should I say that I have kids. Guys like girls that have kids, right?
Ann: Whoa!
Leslie Knope: What if I get drunk and I talk about Darfur too much? Or not enough? What if I don't bring up Darfur enough?

Quote from Leslie Knope

Leslie Knope: Hey, Dave, it's me. It's Leslie.
Ann: Hi, Leslie. It's good to see you.
Leslie Knope: Hi! [goes into hug Ann]
Ann: You don't wanna do that quite yet.
Leslie Knope: So, Dave. Let's begin our conversation.
Ann: What's on the note cards?
Leslie Knope: They're possible topics of conversation.
Ann: "Whales, parades, electricity." And the rest are blank.
Leslie Knope: Yeah, well, I couldn't think of anything else.
[aside to camera:]
Ann: Leslie's in worse shape than I thought. [Leslie laughs in the background] Is she practice-laughing?
Leslie Knope: Oh, Dave... you!

Quote from Leslie Knope

Leslie Knope: The Danish call it "op og ned apparat," which literally translated means the "up and down machine."
Ann: Wow, that's a thorough history of the teeter-totter. Now I'm gonna talk about the local flora and fauna found in Pawnee. What's amazing...
Ann: Okay. You know what? Just ask me a question. Just try to get to know me.
Leslie Knope: Okay. I can't think of anything to ask you. I'm sorry. My mind is blank.
Ann: Just ask me the first thing that comes to your head.
Leslie Knope: How big is it? [cringes]
Ann: Really?
Leslie Knope: Oh, my God. [drinks]

Quote from Ann

Leslie Knope: Hi, Dave.
Ann: You're late. And I can see your nipples through your dress.
Leslie Knope: What? No. Really?
[aside to camera:]
Ann: In nursing school, we took a psych course on how to treat phobias with a method called "exposure therapy." So, like, if you were afraid of snakes, they would immerse you in a tank of snakes. So, I am going to immerse Leslie in a tank of bad date.

Quote from Jerry

Jerry: Hey, Mark. A little birdie told me that you have one unpaid parking ticket.
Mark: Well, that's funny, because a little birdie told me that your adoptive mother was arrested for marijuana possession.
Donna: Oh, snap!
Jerry: What?
Mark: You didn't know that, huh?
Jerry: I didn't know I was adopted.
Mark: Oh, no. Oh, Jerry. Oh, Jerry. I'm so sorry.
Jerry: I really didn't wanna play.
Mark: That was not my intention.
Tom: It's not your fault. He totally baited you with that unpaid parking ticket.

Quote from Ron Swanson

Ron Swanson: Tom, could you come into my office? Tom-ato sauce.
Tom: Ron-tonamo Bay.
Ron Swanson: Do be seated. And congratulate me.
Tom: For what?
Ron Swanson: Winning the game. I just found out, through some pretty impressive investigating, that your wedding was a sham. It's a green card marriage.
Tom: That's crazy. I was born in South Carolina. These colors don't run, baby.
Ron Swanson: Yes, but Wendy was born in Ottawa, Canada. Her visa was set to expire the day after you got married at the county courthouse in front of three strangers and no family.
Tom: Okay. We met in college. She wanted to work in the States, she couldn't get a permit...
Ron Swanson: I knew it. I knew you couldn't get a wife as hot as her.
Tom: Seriously, Ron. Games aside, you gotta keep this between us. Don't tell anybody, please.
Ron Swanson: Now, come on. Don't worry. I'm not gonna turn you in. Just admit that when it comes to digging up dirt, I bested you in this game. Say it. Say, "I bested you."
Tom: Fine. You bested me. Is that all?
Ron Swanson: No. I'll have your wife tonight.
Tom: What?
Ron Swanson: I'm just kidding. Get out of here.

Quote from Mark

Ann: Hey. Can I help you at 11:48 p. m?
Mark: Okay, here's the whole thing. Here are all my skeletons. When I was 16, I had sex with a married woman.
Ann: Right.
Mark: When I was in college, I smoked a decent amount of pot.
Ann: Uh-huh.
Mark: Nothing insane. When I tell you what...
Ann: What the hell are you doing?
Mark: What I'm doing is, I'm trying to tell you that I've done some stuff that I'm not very proud of. But I like you. So, I would rather you not find out about this from anyone but me. This was a bad idea.
Ann: No, no. It's fine. I get what this is, and why you did it.
Mark: Is there anything that you would like to share from your past, to sort of balance the scales?
Ann: Yeah. One time this guy rang my doorbell at midnight, to brag about getting laid when he was 16, so I shot him.
Mark: Good night.


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