Ron Swanson: That's your will? You need that many pages to say, "Give my stuff to my wife"?
Ben: It's a complicated legal document.
Ron Swanson: It doesn't have to be. I've had the same will since I was eight years old.
Ben: "Upon my death, all of my belongings shall transfer to the man or animal who has killed me." What are these weird symbols?
Ron Swanson: The man who kills me will know.

Ranger Patrick: Hey, Ron. You're not going to slaughter that pig here, are you?
Ron Swanson: Not to worry. I have a permit.
Ranger Patrick: This just says, "I can do what I want."
Ron Swanson: I am the director of the Parks Department, and this is a park.
Ranger Patrick: It's not a Parks thing. It's against, like, three laws and a dozen health codes.
Ron Swanson: Fine. Barbecue is postponed until I can go pick up some meat from the Food 'n' Stuff. Let's go, Tom. No, pig Tom. [Donna laughs]

Ron Swanson: [aside to camera] Tom and April were excellent witnesses in my defense. Unfortunately, every single word out of their mouths was a lie. There's only one thing I hate more than lying. Skim milk. Which is water that's lying about being milk.

Tom: Ginuwine? The Ginuwine is your cousin? How do I not know this?
Ann: Who's Ginuwine?
Tom: Ginuwine? Ginuwine is Ginuwine. He's Ginuwine.
Ann: Saying his name over and over again is not going to help me.
Tom: He's an R&B singer. Pony, Differences. Do you really not know who Ginuwine is?
Ann: I know that he's Donna's cousin.
[aside to camera:]
Tom: When I'm dating someone, I have a list called my "oh-no-nos." A woman commits an "oh-no-no," it can end the relationship. Not loving '90s R&B music is number three on the "oh-no-nos" list. Girl doesn't even know who Ginuwine is.

Ben: Play an action card, build a bell tower inside your citadel.
Mike: My shaman casts a toyber spell on your prosperity tile. Looks like someone's out of resource gems. [laughter] Uh-oh.
Ben: [long silence, laughs]
Mike: What's so funny?
Ben: Oh, no, no, no, you're a smart guy, clearly picked up some flashy tricks, but you made one crucial mistake. You forgot about the essence of the game. It's about the Cones. [dice rattling] Move my abbot to the ocean hex, which moves my Brinksman to the Devil's Lair, and pushes my farmer... yes, my humble farmer... directly into the central cone.
Andy: Woo-hoo! Yeah, babe, we did it. This whole company is ours.
Ben: Oh, no, it's not.
Andy: That's mine, it's all mine.
Ben: Andy... for the record, I did invent this game. But it doesn't even matter, because I won and I get another chance to prove that there's something truly special about Pawnee.
Mike: Yes, there is. It's the home of the architect. Let's talk.

Ron Swanson: You wouldn't have been able to stop it, you know.
Leslie Knope: I could've yelled something or tackled someone.
Ron Swanson: But you didn't, because deep down, you knew it wouldn't have mattered. Those kids are gonna do what they want to do.
Leslie Knope: They may have just ruined their lives on an impulse decision.
Ron Swanson: Leslie, I got married twice. Both times, I was a lot older than those two. And both marriages ended in divorce... And a burning effigy. Who's to say what works? You find somebody you like, and you roll the dice. That's all anybody can do.
Leslie Knope: Wait. Weren't you married three times?
Ron Swanson: Oh, my God, you're right. [chuckles] I get to burn another effigy.
[aside to camera:]
Ron Swanson: The key to burning an ex-wife effigy is to dip it in paraffin wax and then toss the flaming bottle of isopropyl alcohol... From a safe distance. Do not stand too close when you light an ex-wife effigy.