Ron Swanson: That's your will? You need that many pages to say, "Give my stuff to my wife"?
Ben: It's a complicated legal document.
Ron Swanson: It doesn't have to be. I've had the same will since I was eight years old.
Ben: "Upon my death, all of my belongings shall transfer to the man or animal who has killed me." What are these weird symbols?
Ron Swanson: The man who kills me will know.

Ranger Patrick: Hey, Ron. You're not going to slaughter that pig here, are you?
Ron Swanson: Not to worry. I have a permit.
Ranger Patrick: This just says, "I can do what I want."
Ron Swanson: I am the director of the Parks Department, and this is a park.
Ranger Patrick: It's not a Parks thing. It's against, like, three laws and a dozen health codes.
Ron Swanson: Fine. Barbecue is postponed until I can go pick up some meat from the Food 'n' Stuff. Let's go, Tom. No, pig Tom. [Donna laughs]

Ron Swanson: [aside to camera] Tom and April were excellent witnesses in my defense. Unfortunately, every single word out of their mouths was a lie. There's only one thing I hate more than lying. Skim milk. Which is water that's lying about being milk.

Ron Swanson: Leslie, this is Marcia Langman from the Society For Family Stability Foundation.
Leslie Knope: Oh, hello. I love your top.
Marcia Langman: Oh, thank you so much. I was just hoping you had a moment to discuss the events at the zoo yesterday.
Ron Swanson: Well, I have nothing to do with this, so... [exits]
Leslie Knope: Well, what can I do for you and those fine people at the SFSF?
Marcia Langman: Well, you could resign, if you're up for it.
Leslie Knope: Oh, you're serious?
Marcia Langman: When you performed a marriage for gay penguins, using taxpayer money on government property, you were symbolically taking a stand in favor of the gay marriage agenda.
Leslie Knope: Oh, I'm sorry, but hold on a second there, Marcia. That was not my intention, at all.
Marcia Langman: Well, why else would you marry penguins?
Leslie Knope: Because I firmly believed that it would be cute. And it was.
Marcia Langman: Leslie, are you married?
Leslie Knope: No. Not yet, Marcia. Soon, probably. I have a plan, but, no, not now. Not dating anyone yet. Focusing on my career.
Marcia Langman: I thought so. So you couldn't possibly understand, but when gays marry, it ruins marriage for the rest of us. So, either you annul the wedding, or I'll publicly ask for your resignation. You know what? I'm so terrible with directions. If I'm headed to the parking lot, do I make a left out of here, or do I go right?
Leslie Knope: It's a left, yeah.
Marcia Langman: Thank you.
Leslie Knope: You're welcome.
Marcia Langman: Annul the wedding!

Ron Swanson: Can I help you?
Terk: Yeah, I own Lettuce Eat, the vegan restaurant on Lowell Drive, and I wanted to know why you nailed this letter to my door.
[aside to camera:]
Ron Swanson: "Veganism is the sad result of a morally corrupt mind. Reconsider your life."
[back:]
Ron Swanson: Because I believe it. Good day.
Terk: Carnivores. You're all the same.

Leslie Knope: Ron, we're back.
Ron Swanson: Bully.
[aside to camera:]
Leslie Knope: The bankrupt government of Pawnee has been shut down all summer, so it's been three months of no work, no meetings, no memos, no late nights, nothing. I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy.