TV Quotes

Will: Hey, you know what, you ain't got to do nothing, Uncle Phil. You know, it ain't like I'm still 5 years old, you know. It ain't like I'm going to be sitting up every night asking my mom: "When's Daddy coming home?" You know, who needs him? He wasn't there to teach me how to shoot my first basket, but I learned, didn't I? And I got pretty good at it too, didn't I, Uncle Phil?
Philip: Yeah, you did.
Will: Got through my first date without him, right? I learned how to drive. I learned how to shave. I learned how to fight without him. I had 14 great birthdays without him. He never even sent me a damn card. To hell with him! I didn't need him then and I don't need him now.
Philip: Will-
Will: No, you know what, Uncle Phil? I'm gonna get through college without him. I'm gonna get a great job without him. I'm going to marry me a beautiful honey, and I'm gonna have me a whole bunch of kids and I'm gonna be a better father than he ever was. And I sure as hell don't need him for that, because there ain't a damn thing he could ever teach me about how to love my kids. How come he don't want me, man?

Vivian: Look, there he goes.
Trevor: [on TV] Hilary Banks...
Hilary: Yes, Trevor?
Trevor: [on TV] Will you marry me? [thud]
[As the TV picture turns to static, the family are stunned into silence]
Will: I ain't no bungee expert or nothing... But I don't think he's supposed to be slamming into the ground like that.
[A title card appears on the TV]
Hilary: "Please stand by"? Great. The president's about to interrupt my marriage proposal.

Carlton: Where am I? Last thing I remember, I was doing the running man to I Will Always Love You.
Will: Carlton, you're at a hospital.
Carlton: Wow, I feel terrible. I never thought losing my virginity would be this painful.
Will: Carlton, I got some bad news.
Carlton: Oh, God, I malfunctioned.
Will: No. See, you never made it past the dance floor. Those pills that you took weren't vitamins.
Carlton: What were they?
Will: Look, you gotta promise you're not gonna overreact.
Carlton: What could be worse than finding out I'm still a virgin?
Will: It was speed.
Carlton: Oh, my God. I'm a drug addict and a virgin!

Vivian: What is this?
Will: Uncle Phil was feeling a little gun-shy about his grooves. I got Lamont to come over, give him some dance lessons.
Lamont: That's right, Philly Gilly. Now, lesson number two is shake your groove thing.
Geoffrey: If that's a groove, the Grand Canyon's a ditch.

Kellogg: Could you teach us one of the songs, Professor?
Vivian: Well, here's one called Wade in the Water. Now this song told runaway slaves that the best escape route was along the river. Now, late at night, these songs could be heard coming from slave cabins along the route, guiding the runaways to freedom. [sings] Wade in the water Wade in the water children Wade in the water God's gonna trouble the water [talks] Everybody, join in now.
All: [sing] Wade in the water
Vivian: Come on, now.
All: [sing] Wade in the water children Wade in the water God's gonna trouble the water
Will: [sings] Er-er-er er-er I said wade I didn't say swim I didn't say backstroke I said wade in the water

Geoffrey: Allow me, sir.
Philip: Certainly, Geoffrey, if you think you can do any better.
Geoffrey: Mademoiselle. [kneels down] My life was but a mere whisper until you entered into it. Whether it was chance or blind fate or kismet, if you will, that brought us together, I would be remiss to let this moment pass without telling you how deeply you have affected the very core of my being.
Will: Ooh, baby!