Hilary: Lady Penelope. Wow, it must be great being a Lady. I mean, spending all your time shopping, going to lunch with your friends and just sitting around being waited on hand and foot. I wonder what that would be like.
Geoffrey: [pouring Hilary's tea] One can only imagine.

Geoffrey: Milord, I'm afraid I have some bad news. My cousin Roddy has just been suddenly struck with malaria. I must go to quarantine immediately.

Will: G, we better keep looking.
Geoffrey: Nonsense. The man's a liar. Tell us what you've done with Lady Penelope or I shall be forced to thrash you.
Will: Don't press him, G. You saw what he did to Tokyo.
Geoffrey: Don't worry, Master William. In my youth, I was quite a Greco-Roman wrestler.

Vivian: How was your flight?
Lord Fowler: Oh, it was a bit choppy and quite long. And of course, the food was horrid and, you know, the movie was a dreadful bore. I wouldn't want to make that journey too often.
Philip: [British accent] Oh, I should think not.
Geoffrey: Won't you come in?
Vivian: Philip, why are you talking like that?
Philip: [normal accent] Like what?
Vivian: That ridiculous British accent. Whenever you're around an English person, you slip right into it. The first three months Geoffrey was here, I could barely understand you.
Philip: I have no idea what you're talking about.
Geoffrey: [o.s.] Sir, madam, care to join us for tea?
Philip: [British accent] Right-o.

Lady Penelope: Mr. and Mrs. Banks, I hope I'm not being terribly rude but I was counting on seeing the opera tonight.
Lord Fowler: But, my dear, I don't want you going out alone in a strange city. You'll need an escort.
Will: An escort. You mean a responsible escort. A young man who could take Lady Penelope out tonight and return her home safe and sound. The same type of young man who could be trusted to drive to a Ziggy Marley concert in Nevada.
Philip: I suppose so.
Lady Penelope: Would you really take me, Will?
Will: Absolutely. If it's all right with Uncle Phil.
Philip: Okay, Will. You may take Lady Penelope to the opera.
Will: Opera? I thought she said "Oprah."

Will: Spider-Man comics. Watchman. Goobers, Raisinets.
Geoffrey: What are you doing?
Will: Packing.
Geoffrey: Where do you think you're going?
Will: To the opera. Did you see what I did with my spitball straw?

Geoffrey: Now, you just listen to me, you irresponsible vagabond. I want you on your best behavior tonight. No.
Let me revise that. I want you on a normal person's best behavior.
Will: Ooh, Mr. Belvesneer. Please, the whole point of tonight is to prove that I'm responsible. I mean, how hard can it be? I'll take her to the opera, cop a few "Z's", bring her back home. This weekend I'm with Ziggy.
Geoffrey: Master William, I just hope you recognize the seriousness of the task at hand.
Will: Why are you tripping? She's just a girl.
Geoffrey: Just a girl? Master William, if 895 members of the royal family instantly died, she would be the next queen of England.
Will: Now, where does that put me?

Will: That's the guy that Lady P. was dancing with.
Geoffrey: But where's Lady Penelope?
Will: He could be hiding her in his fist.
Geoffrey: I shall have to have a word with him.
Will: Careful, G.
Geoffrey: Not to worry. I know how to handle his sort. [to the man] What have you done with Lady Penelope, you knuckle-dragging swine?

Lord Fowler: So then Churchill said to the king: "You're ugly." To which the king replied: "And you, sir, are fat." Or was it the other way round? Anyhow, they went on like that for hours. Are you sure there isn't any more sherry? Anyway, this dispute took place at the height of the Flounder Rebellion.
Ashley: [enters] Mommy.
Vivian: Oh, God bless you, sweetheart. What's the matter, baby?
Ashley: I can't sleep.
Philip: Just sit around here for a little while.
Vivian: I'll take you up, baby.
Philip: You're not going anywhere, woman.
Ashley: Sorry, Mommy. I tried.
Vivian: Try again in 10 minutes.

Geoffrey: Lord Fowler gave me my first job as a full-fledged butler. And he's one of the most important men in Britain.
Ashley: Well, I wouldn't want to embarrass you. British people have really good manners.
Carlton: Ashley, I used to be intimidated by the British. I thought they were superior in taste, style, and breeding. Then I saw Benny Hill.
Geoffrey: Master Carlton. First of all, I like Benny Hill. Secondly, while Lord Fowler is here I must ask you to keep wisecracks like that to yourself. During his stay, I want all of you children to maintain an air of quiet dignity.