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‘Kiss My Butler’ Quotes Page 1 of 2

The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air: Kiss My Butler

110. Kiss My Butler

Aired November 5, 1990

After Will decides to set Geoffrey up with a date for his birthday, he hears about a British nanny, Helen (Naomi Campbell), who's just moved to America, unaware she's a dashing young woman.

Quote from Hilary

Hilary: Oh, isn't this cute? You two have so much in common. You both speak English.

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Quote from Hilary

Hilary: Well, I'm going to go mingle. The "A" list turned out tonight.
Geoffrey: Really?
Hilary: Look. That's Tom Cruise's pool cleaner. And that's Cher's electrolysist. And that's Heather Locklear.

Quote from Geoffrey

Will: Um, I guess I shouldn't have busted your groove at the club, man. And I guess what I want to say is it's all Jazz's fault, man.
Geoffrey: Sit down, lad. Master William... for you, a birthday is a time to paint the town red but for me, it's a time of reflection. A time to review one's successes and regrets. I must say, one of my regrets has always been the fact that I never had a son. I have so much advice to pass on to the next generation. But no one to tell it to.
Will: Ooh, look at the time. Boy, I'm bushed. [yawns]
Geoffrey: Sit, William. My boy, a man is much more than the job he holds or the clothes he wears. For example, if I were to judge you by your costume I should guess you were some kind of circus performer.
Will: That's pretty cold, G.
Geoffrey: But you made the same assumptions about me. You assumed I was lonely. You assumed I wouldn't know how to comport myself at a nightspot. You assumed I was a poor dancer. I hope the events of tonight have proved to you that I am, as the saying goes... a fairly fly individual.

Quote from Philip

Will: I want to hook Geoffrey up with a woman so he can get busy.
Carlton: I think Geoffrey's busy enough, what with all his chores.
Will: Dude, you don't get it. Look, it's Geoffrey's birthday, and he's just staying up in the Batcave listening to his radio. I mean, straight up, the man's depressed.
Philip: No, he's not depressed. He's British.

Quote from Geoffrey

Will: Yo, G, Helen is going to be here any minute. Baby, hook it up.
Geoffrey: I'm hooking as fast as I can. Don't be such a wanker.
Will: Well, what are you going to wear?
Geoffrey: Voila.
Will: No, no, no, no, no, no, no. I mean, come on, G. Hilary's taking you and Helen to the fliest club in LA. I mean, my buddy Jazz is the DJ there. He said the place is all of that.
Geoffrey: All what?
Will: Look, look, forget it. I don't think you understand, man. You got a kind of a Ben Vereen thing going here, man. Come on, baby. You got to dress a lot funkier than that.
Geoffrey: Funkier? [pulls handkerchief up out of pocket] There. Pure, unadulterated funk.
Will: All right, look, G, forget about looking cool. Let's concentrate on acting cool.
Geoffrey: Don't talk to me about cool. During the '70s, I was briefly employed as Led Zeppelin's road butler.
Will: Look, G., when the music is pumping and it's time to go on the dance floor this is what you do. [dances] Now you give it a try.
Geoffrey: I would be most happy to, but to the best of my knowledge hell has not yet frozen over.

Quote from Hilary

Hilary: Stay smooth. Don't buckle. Ugh!
Vivian: Hilary, what's the problem?
Hilary: I've never wrapped a present before. Geoffrey's always wrapped my presents. Geoffrey!
Vivian: Hilary, you can't ask him to wrap his own present.
Hilary: Oh, I guess that's another one of those unwritten rules.

Quote from Hilary

Hilary: Here's my present, Geoffrey. Happy birthday. I wrapped it myself.
Geoffrey: Thank you, Miss Hilary. This is most generous.
Hilary: I know I boss you around too much. This gift is my way of making up for it.
Philip: You know, Hilary, sweetheart, you could also stop bossing him around.
Hilary: Okay, then I'll keep the sweater.

Quote from Geoffrey

Geoffrey: I'll get the tea. Would you like anything with that?
Philip: Geoffrey, relax. It's your birthday. Now, we're gonna do all of your most hated chores.
Geoffrey: But, sir, I don't hate any of my chores.
Philip: Well, we do.
Ashley: So, Geoffrey, are you going to do anything special for your birthday?
Geoffrey: Oh, most assuredly, Miss Ashley. Tonight, I will be enjoying a BBC broadcast of Gilbert and Sullivan's HMS Pinafore followed by a penetrating interview by David Frost.
Will: Ooh, and they say the man can't party.

Quote from Ashley

Carlton: Well, Geoffrey, before we get you your tea there's something else we'd like to do for you. [plays kazoo]
Will: Carlton, put away that tired old kazoo, please. Get busy for me one time, Skinny A."
Ashley: [raps] Happy birthday, my man G Because you know the most About butlery So don't move an inch, stay where you sit We're going to treat you like The King of Brit
Will: Huh!

Quote from Hilary

Carlton: Did you see that look on Geoffrey's face? He just lit up.
Hilary: I never thought I'd say this, but it feels really good to do something for somebody else for a change.
Ashley: Aren't we supposed to make him some tea?
Hilary: Oh, right. Ashley, honey, how'd you like to go into the kitchen and introduce Mr. Tea Bag and Mr. Teapot to Mr. Boiling Water?
Vivian: Hilary, how'd you like to make the tea before I take away Mr. Allowance?
Hilary: Mother, please. Don't talk down to me.

Quote from Vivian

Vivian: If Geoffrey is interested, I don't see any harm in introducing him to a nice woman.
Philip: Oh, here she goes.
Will: Here what goes?
Philip: Your poor Aunt Vivian seems to think she's a matchmaker.
Carlton: In her mind, she's the Chuck Woolery of Bel-Air.
Vivian: It's not just my opinion, Carlton. When I was in college, I introduced three couples and they all got married.
Philip: And by your fifth reunion, they were all divorced.
Vivian: Look, I just get them to the altar. After that, they're on their own.

Quote from Jazz

Will: Man! Yo, two hours at the mall, and I ain't get no girls.
Hilary: What did you expect? You went to the mall with girl-away there.
Will: For your information, Hilary, Jazz here happens to be the master when it comes to cracking on the girls. Yo, the boy is irresistible.
Hilary: Sure, maybe during a blackout.
Jazz: I'd love to get a hold of you during a blackout.
Hilary: Daddy.
[This time, Jazz knows what to expect so he stands up and walks towards the door as Uncle Phil follows him. Jazz is thrown out out of the house.]

Quote from Will

Will: Could you put a hold on dinner, please? I'm trying to find Geoffrey a girl.
Carlton: The words "mission impossible" come to mind.
Ashley: I know someone.
Will: Really?
Ashley: Uh-huh. You know my friend Samantha?
Will: Um, Ashley, maybe I should explain some of the finer points of the law to you.

Quote from Geoffrey

Geoffrey: You bellowed, Master William?
Will: I've been thinking about it, G. Straight up man, I'm not down with you being lonely on your birthday.
Geoffrey: But I shall be far from lonely, Master William. I shall be spending the evening with the glorious music of Sir William Schwenck Gilbert and Sir Arthur Sullivan, not to mention David Frost.
Will: So far, I count you plus three guys. I just thought you might prefer a woman. I'm not making too big an assumption here, am l?
Geoffrey: As it happens, I like women just fine. But I think it's a bad idea for a butler to intertwine his private life with that of the family. Surely you gleaned that much from watching Mr. BeIvedere.

Quote from Will

Carlton: This is from Ashley and me. Of course, I paid the lion's share.
Ashley: Happy birthday, Geoffrey.
Geoffrey: English Leather. English toffee. An English muffin.
Will: Yo, that sounds like my present, G, but I'll leave the unwrapping to you.
Carlton: Oh, Will, must you be so ribald?
Will: I'm not going to answer that until I have a lawyer and a dictionary present.

Quote from Geoffrey

Hilary: So, Helen, what part of England are you from?
Geoffrey: Allow me, Miss Hilary. You can tell a lot from a person's accent. You're from London, of course.
Helen: Of course.
Geoffrey: I'm guessing West End.
Helen: Why, yes.
Geoffrey: Chilton Road?
Helen: That's right.
Geoffrey: Upstairs above Shrimpton & Son.
Helen: Close. One more block up, next to Bottomleys.
Geoffrey: Well, it has been a while.

Quote from Geoffrey

Geoffrey: And to this day, it remains the largest rhino ever to be taken with a bow and arrow.
Helen: Geoffrey, this is fascinating. It's like going out with James Bond.
Geoffrey: You're not the first to have made that comparison.

Quote from Will

Will: Well, Helen sure thinks so.
Geoffrey: Ah, she's certainly a hot little number. But I'm afraid she and I were mismatched.
Will: Ah, she was a little too young for you, huh?
Geoffrey: Quite the contrary. I am afraid I was a little too intimidating for the poor girl. She's looking for someone a little slower, a little less sophisticated.
Will: I could be slower. I'm sure I could be less sophisticated.
Geoffrey: She sensed that. Here's her phone number. She's expecting your call.
Will: [to camera] It isn't important that I got the date with Helen. The important thing is I learned to appreciate Geoffrey as a human being. And Geoffrey and I have a deeper relationship.
[Will knocks Geoffrey over as he rushes to grab the telephone]

Quote from Hilary

All: Happy birthday, Geoffrey!
Geoffrey: Oh my, I'm so touched. May I get you anything?
Vivian: Geoffrey, don't be silly. You're always worried about pleasing us, but today it's Saturday, we're home and we're waiting on you.
Geoffrey: This is highly irregular.
Hilary: Geoffrey, I don't want to hear it. Today, we're your butlers. Here's breakfast in bed. Is there anything else you would like?
Geoffrey: Um, a spot of tea.
Hilary: Carlton.
Carlton: Will.
Will: Ashley.
Ashley: Hilary.

Quote from Will

Will: Yo, yo, yo, I got it. I know what I'm getting G for his birthday.
Vivian: What?
Will: Here, let me give you a hint. [saunters across the living room]
Philip: Little Richard?
Will: Ooh, shut up. No, no, no.

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