Hilary: I can't stand this. Everyone has a date except me.
Will: What's the problem, Hil? I mean, come on. You're pretty, you're fun, you're intelli- Vision.
Hilary: Well, that's exactly the problem. I'm a celebrity and men are intimidated by me. I'm a beautiful woman trapped in an even more beautiful woman's body.

Will: Hey, hey, hey. Come on, man, let me have it. What's the problem?
Philip: Will, do you know what I'd do if I even thought for one second that you were anywhere near my problem?
Will: No, what?
Philip: I'd build a fence to keep you away. One with barbed wire and maybe a sniper up on the roof to pick you off just in case you got over the fence. And given the slightest chance that he'd miss, there'd be two rottweilers guarding my problem.
Will: You don't want my help, do you? I'll go.

Hilary: Any big plans tonight, Carlton?
Carlton: I have a date.
Hilary: With whom?
Carlton: Same lady I see every Saturday night. Dr. Quinn, Medicine Woman.

Vivian: I was thinking about going to Soul Train by myself. Would you be my dance partner?
Will: Ooh. Uh, Aunt Viv, you know, I'd love to take you. You know, but this is Soul Train. I got to get my mack on, you know. Which is kind of difficult to do when you go there with somebody old. Oh, I mean... I mean... I mean... I mean that's kid talk, Aunt Viv. You know how kids talk. You know, bad means good. And stupid means great. And old means beautiful. You are so old. You are the oldest person I ever seen.
Vivian: We leave at 8.
Will: I will be ready.

[on tape:]
Don Cornelius: Welcome back. Now we're gonna play the Soul Train Scramble game. Let's meet today's couple. You are?
Vivian: Vivian Smith, Scorpio.
Philip: Oh, Philip Banks. Solid.
Don Cornelius: All right, you know the rules. If you can unscramble our mystery artist you win a lifetime supply of Afro Sheen. Okay? Ready? Go. [funk music plays]
[Philip writes out "Vivian, I love you and I always will. Marry me"]
Don Cornelius: I'm sorry, Phil, but that's wrong. The answer is James Brown.
Philip: No, my man, it's not wrong. See, foxy mama ever since I met you, I knew that the deal we had was righteous. And I know out of all the cats out there, I'm not the downest. It's just that... I want our gigs to groove together forever. Do you dig it?
Vivian: You're my main man.
Don Cornelius: Now, that's true love. Let's send them on their way with Marvin and Tammi and "You're All I Need."

Will: So, Uncle Phil, you proposed on Soul Train, huh? Where you all get married at, The Flip Wilson Show?
Ashley: I think it's so romantic.
Vivian: Soul Train's having a 25-year reunion and we've been named as one of the 10 most memorable couples.
Philip: Well, isn't that great?
Vivian: The whole family's invited.
Will: All right. Hey, let me tell y'all when I was growing up in Philly, Soul Train was the bomb. Hey, I still got my miniature Don Cornelius with the lifelike voice. [in deep voice] "You can bet your last money it's gonna be a stone gas, honey. And until next time, love, peace and..."
Vivian: Soul! [laughs]
Carlton: You played with a doll?
Will: Ain't- Ain't no doll, man, it's an action figure. Afro pick sold separately.

Don Cornelius: And let's reach all the way back to a personal favorite. Here's Marvin and Tammi's "You're All I Need."
Philip: You know, Vivian? From the night I first met you, I knew that the deal we had was righteous. Now, I may not be the downest cat out here. I just want our lives to groove together forever.
Vivian: You are still my main man.
Philip: You know, sweetheart, when we first danced together on Soul Train we had our whole lives to look forward to. I don't know, I guess it's a lot easier to look ahead than it is to look back. But as long as I'm with you, there is only now.

Vivian: Philip. Look, honey, it still fits.
Philip: Yes, but can you breathe?
Vivian: It may have shrunk a little.
Philip: Sweetheart, I think the suit's the same size.
Vivian: I said it must have shrunk a little.

Vivian: What is this?
Will: Uncle Phil was feeling a little gun-shy about his grooves. I got Lamont to come over, give him some dance lessons.
Lamont: That's right, Philly Gilly. Now, lesson number two is shake your groove thing.
Geoffrey: If that's a groove, the Grand Canyon's a ditch.

Hilary: Geoffrey. If you weren't my butler and had a decent job would you ask me out or would you be too intimidated? Geoffrey.
Geoffrey: Sorry, I got caught up in the fantasy.
Hilary: About me?
Geoffrey: No, about that decent job. Tell me, do I have a desk?