Philip: Well, Jazz, I'm going to go into the kitchen for a snack. When I come back, I want you gone.
Jazz: Guess I got plenty of time then.

Geoffrey: I must say Mr. Jazz's sister is quite a charmer.
Philip: Yes, she is. Makes me question the whole theory of genetics.

Janet: Gia? I'd like the swordfish and a salad. No dressing.
Gia: And what about you, Will?
Will: I'll have the- [Janet elbows Will as he looks up at Gia] I'll have the steak. Rare.
Janet: Steak is really unhealthy.
Gia: Do you need another minute?
Janet: No, no, no. He'll have the same thing I'm having. Plus a baked potato. No butter, no sour cream. Thank you.
Gia: Got it.
Will: [stammers] I like sour cream.
Janet: You used to. From now on, you need to watch that cholesterol. I'm not having my husband dying of a heart attack at 40 and leaving me to raise six kids by myself.
Will: Six kids?
Janet: That's right, baby. Three girls, three boys. And don't even think about naming one of them William.

Janet: I need more ice.
Carlton: You need more ice, what?
Janet: I need more ice in my warm soda.
Carlton: You need more ice, please.
Janet: What did you say to me?
Gia: He said, "You need more ice, please."
Jazz: Heads up.
Carlton: Will, I'm sorry. I've got to say something. Janet, your behavior this evening has been completely unacceptable.
Will: Carlton.
Carlton: Where I come from, manners count for a lot. I'm sorry I've got to say this but I simply can't sit back and allow this rudeness to continue. You owe every one of us an apology, especially that poor waitress. And if you refuse, we're taking you home and continuing the evening without you. Do I make myself clear?
Will: [to Jazz] You know, I'm going to miss him.
Carlton: Do I make myself clear?
Janet: [instrumental music plays] Yes, Carlton.

Hilary: Okay. I did my budget just like you told me.
Vivian: Good for you. Let me see.
Hilary: Alright, this is the amount I made last week and these were my expenses. As you can see, I spent five times more than I made. This budget thing is pretty easy.

Will: Yo, G! Chill, man! Whatever you do, don't open that door.
Vivian: Please, Lord, tell me it isn't the police.
Will: No. It's my boy, Jazz.
Philip: Much worse.
Will: Hey, G. $10 says I ain't home.
Geoffrey: It doesn't quite say it loudly enough. Do I hear $15.
Will: G, you gonna do a brother like that? Man, it's my life's at stake.
Geoffrey: I took that into consideration.

Vivian: Oh, what's the matter, baby? You like Janet more than she likes you?
Will: I don't think so.
Philip: Well, I sure liked her.
Will: Yeah, I hope so, since we'll probably be living here with our six kids.
Vivian: Kids?
Will: Yeah, she told me last night we're having six.
Vivian: Not anytime soon, I hope.
Will: Oh no, she doesn't want to start a family until we've finished graduate school worked at least five years and have complete dental benefits.
Vivian: That sounds very sensible.
Will: Aunt Viv, this is all before we had salads.
Philip: Well, why don't you tell her you're not interested?
Will: I tried, man. She just won't listen. It's like Fatal Attraction. I'm telling you, if we had a bunny, dude would be on the stove right now.

Will: Aunt Viv, I'm telling you, this babe is tripping. She's already telling me what to do, what to eat, where to look.
Philip: Well, women get like that.
Vivian: Get like what?
Philip: You know.
Vivian: No, Philip, I do not. Women get like what?
Will: Like that.
Vivian: You say something, William?
Geoffrey: Master William, Mr. Jazz is here to see you.
Will: Thank you, G.
Vivian: What do women get like? I am waiting. Hello!

Will: Hey, I'm telling you, Carlton was a little bit of that. Uncle Phil, I didn't know he had it in him. He just stood right up to Janet and said: "Baby, that's about all that lip I'm going to have."
Philip: Boys, you've got a lot to learn about women. Carlton has obviously been watching me in action. Now, Will... [Vivian walks up behind Phil] Your Aunt Vivian can be quite bossy at times. But when she starts bossing me around, I don't let it bother me. I just say no in a strong, masculine voice. And when I say no, she jumps.
Vivian: Excuse me. What did you say?
Philip: I don't know. How long have you been there?
Vivian: I came in on, "Your Aunt Vivian can be quite bossy sometimes."
Philip: So you didn't hear the part where I said: "Boys, the rest of this statement is completely untrue."
Vivian: Philip, you better sleep with one eye open. [exits]
Philip: I got her just where I want her.

Will: Why the hell didn't that work?
Jazz: You got the theory right. You just ain't got the technique. Take notes. Hilary!
Hilary: What?
Jazz: Hilary, your behavior at the club last night was completely unacceptable. Now, where I come from, manners count for a lot. Now, I'm sorry to have to say this, but I simply can't sit here and allow this rudeness to continue. Do I make myself clear?
Hilary: Jazz, come here.
[After Jazz follows Hilary out of the living room, she throws Jazz out of the house]