Jazz: Here you are, my brother, I brought you a card.
Will: Hey, thanks, Jazz. "Heard you had a stroke"?
Jazz: It was the closest we could find. You know, for some reason, Hallmark has overlooked this occasion.

Will: Uncle Phil, I got my Mom something she gonna love. She always wanted to get my baby shoes bronzed, but she never got around to it. So I hooked her up.
Ashley: Those are your baby shoes?
Will: Well, yeah. I had big feet. You know what they say about a guy with big feet.
Ashley: No, what?
Will: They- They be saying, "Damn, you got some big feet."

Will: Come on, having a baby is a big responsibility.
Jazz: We're ready for it. Why, I even started saving for little Junior's college fund. [shakes pants pocket]
Will: Listen, I don't think I can do this.
Jazz: Sure you can. Will. Remember that time we went to go play ball and your shoelace broke and I gave you mine? Same thing.
Will: Jazz, man. Don't you have some relatives or something? Why me?
Jazz: I mean, you got a good heart. And you got a lot of smarts and you're tall, and you got good teeth.
Jewel: Of course, we'll be praying he gets my ears.

Jazz: Well, the little darling's fast asleep.
Will: Are you sure you didn't kill her?
Jazz: I realize what a inconvenience we've been. But since you ain't getting us no wedding present, this is the least you could do.
Will: What are you talking about, man? I gave you a wedding.
Jazz: [scoffs] Take that to the bank. Look, Will, making a baby is a truly blessed event.
Will: I think you mean "having a baby," Jazz.
Jazz: Trust me on this.

Jewel: What do you say? Can I have your baby? I'd really appreciate it.
Will: Ah. Jewel, come on. You are my best friend's wife. As much as that excites me, I think I better pass.
Jewel: I don't want your body, Will. I want your little soldiers.
Will: Do I look like the U.N.?

Dana: That's okay, Will, I think I better go.
Will: But, wait, wait. Hey, hey, hey, baby. Come on, you ain't got to do that.
Dana: Oh, yes, I do. I'm really hungry.
Will: Hey, baby, baby, I can have some Rotiserie Gold here in six minutes.

Will: [to Jazz] Well, you've done it again, haven't you?
Jewel: Done what, Jazzy?
Jazz: Munchkin, perhaps our visit is a little ill-timed. Don't worry, me and Jewel could sleep out on a park bench.
Jewel: I hear rain is nature's moisturizer.

Carlton: Thanks for hanging up, Will. I got thrown out of the restaurant and got a ticket for driving without a license. What are they doing here?
Will: Jazz's apartment is getting repainted.
Carlton: Oh, like I care. I'm going to my room, putting on my jammies and calling it a D-A-Y.
Jewel: Either his head's getting smaller or his butt's getting bigger.

Philip: So have you kids shopped for Mother's Day?
Geoffrey: Oh, I'm afraid I haven't had a chance to buy their gifts. I'll get to the mall after lunch.
Philip: Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Geoffrey is picking out your presents?
Carlton: Of course not, big guy. We told him exactly what to get.
Geoffrey: Oh, yes. Down to the very last detail, sir. Let's see, there's "Some kind of perfume or something," from Miss Hilary. "A book might be neat," from Miss Ashley. And, "Here's 20 bucks and I expect some change back," from Master Carlton.
Philip: I can't believe you kids. How do you think your mother is going to feel when she finds out you didn't do your own shopping?
Hilary: Oh, I have no problem with my own shopping.

Will: Whoa. Hey, I'm surprised y'all can walk.
Jazz: Your levity is inappropriate.
Jewel: We've been at the free clinic all morning to find out why my oven is as yet bunless.
Will: Come on, y'all haven't been baking long. Hey, and I'm sure, if you stick with that recipe... you'll get the ingredients mixed up...
Jazz: How can you think about food at a time like this? I mean, we ain't never gonna have a baby because... my little soldiers ain't marching.
Will: Bummer. Jazz, didn't I tell you to not be wearing them bikini drawers?
Jazz: You told me not to wear them in the streets. You ain't tell me not to wear them.
Will: You know what? It's probably just stress. Yeah. I'm sure that's what it is, man. I mean, y'all just got married, and you're always running from the law. And you know what? Why don't you go to another free clinic, get a second opinion.
Jazz: We can't afford another free clinic.
Will: Jazz, look. I'm really sorry for you, man. I mean, hey, at least y'all tried. Never heard two people try harder.
Jazz: Don't try to comfort me, Will. I'm uncomfortable.