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‘Grumpy Young Men’ Quotes Page 1 of 2

The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air: Grumpy Young Men

504. Grumpy Young Men

Aired October 3, 1994

Will begs Carlton to go on a double date with him. Meanwhile, Phil and Hilary try to teach Ashley how to drive.

Quote from Philip

Philip: All right, all right. That's enough. Look, why don't I tell you guys a story?
Will: Now look what you done.
Carlton: I like Dad's stories. And some day, I'm gonna tell my kids these same pointless anecdotes. Go ahead, Dad.
Philip: All right. Well, when I was growing up, my best friend lived in the next apartment. His name was Ralph. And one day, after 18 years of friendship, we had a fight. Well, I went to college and he joined the Navy. Five years ago I went to our high school reunion. I was determined to bury the hatchet. But Ralph didn't show up. I found out that he died the month before. Well, I never had a chance to make peace with him. What's even worse, I can't even remember what we fought about. You kids should think about that.
Will: Hold up a second there, Aesop. What's this apartment stuff? I thought you grew up on a farm.
Philip: Well, in the South, "farm" and "apartment" are interchangeable.
Carlton: Uh Uh, uh, five years ago? Since when do they have reunions for your 22nd year?
Will: Yeah, man. And how all of a sudden...?
Philip: Okay, okay, I made it up. All right? Pfft.


Quote from Hilary

Ashley: Hilary, Nicky's right. Can we just get in the car?
Hilary: I don't think you're ready to get behind the wheel yet. Now, put the car in gear and pull cautiously away from the curb. Ashley.
Ashley: What?
Hilary: You're in neutral. Okay, we're driving down Sunset. Ooh, cute boy, 3 o'clock. Ha, ha. Keep your eyes on the road.
Ashley: Hilary.
Hilary: Now, take a left on Rodeo. Remember to signal. Oh, look, there's Bruce and Demi. Hi. Yuck, what is she wearing?
Ashley: Hilary, this is beyond stupid.
Hilary: Use your imagination. You're doing great. [sighs] We're driving. We're driving. Stop.
Ashley: What?
Hilary: Cartier's having a sale. Pick me up in an hour.

Quote from Carlton

Carlton: Did you put super glue in my hair gel?
Will: [chuckles] Hey, that's what you get for stealing my girl.
Carlton: I didn't have to steal her. She was bored with you so she came to me, a real man.
Will: So, what you saying? I'm not a real man?
Carlton: Yeah, you got it. You should know that all that "yo, yo, hey, baby, bap, bap, bap" stuff is just played out. It worked in high school, but now it's just embarrassing.
Will: So I'm the embarrassment now, huh? Take it easy, stumpy.
Carlton: And you know something else? I'm tired of all those short jokes. I'm average height.
Will: For a woman.
Carlton: I'm large enough for Valerie.
Will: You wants to go there, huh?

Quote from Will

Will: Hey, Carlton, what's up, man? These are the books I need.
Carlton: Will, classes have been in session for five weeks and you're buying books now?
Will: Oh, yeah, I thought I'd get an early start this year. Look, check it out, I need English Lit 101, Sociology 101 and Human Sexuality 420.
Carlton: Four-twenty? That's a graduate course.
Will: Oh, yeah, I did advance placement in high school. You know what I mean?

Quote from Carlton

Valerie: Are you crying?
Carlton: Um... No, I think I've got something in my eye.
Valerie: It's okay, Carlton, this movie always gets to me too. Don't be afraid to show your feelings.
Will: Well, you know, sometimes I be at the crib alone... and I just be crying for nothing.
Karen: What a punk.
Carlton: Is that a cigarette? [Karen blows smoke in his face] That is a cigarette. You know, in case you haven't heard tar and nicotine are damaging to your lungs. It isn't just a rumor, it will give you a tumor. [Karen drops her cigarette in Carlton's drink] Thank you.

Quote from Carlton

Carlton: Can't we just talk about this?
Will: Listen, I don't wanna talk about nothing. I just wanna watch the game and forget it.
Carlton: Fine with me.
Will: Careful with that drumstick, Uncle Phil. Turn your back, Carlton's liable to start eating and say: "Oops. Dad, it just jumped in my mouth."
Carlton: Well, maybe that wouldn't happen if you treated the drumstick like a person instead of a piece of meat.
Will: You know what, Carlton? You ain't nothing but a dog.
Carlton: Oh, yeah? Well, you're an acrimonious, rancorous, virulent coveter.
Will: Oh, yeah? Well, you ain't nothing but a dog.

Quote from Jazz

Jazz: What's so important, you had to page me during a high-speed chase?
Will: Hey, Jazz, I need you to come on a double date with me.
Jazz: Since I married Jewel, I'm a changed man. Unless the double date's with Hilary. Hey, brown sugar.
[helicopter whirring] I gotta go.

Quote from Will

Ashley: Oh, I'm so excited. I just got my permit so I'm gonna go driving with Daddy.
Will: Ashley, stop. U-turn, go back. You're going the wrong way. You're going the wrong way.
Ashley: Come on, Will, he can't be that bad.
Hilary: Ashley, Daddy's fine when he's driving. When he's in the passenger seat, he turns ugly. "You're going fast. You're going slow."
Carlton: "Take a left. Take a right."
Will: "I don't care how pretty she is, you can't drive on the sidewalk." Look, Ashley, get out while you can. Whoop, too late.

Quote from Will

Will: Hey, hey, who's up for a video?
Karen: A video? Hmf. Hey.
Will: No, this is 9 1/2 Weeks.
Valerie: That is a sex movie.
Will: Really? I thought it was a documentary about Vanilla Ice's career.

Quote from Will

Carlton: I think he wants you to leave.
Will: I don't want her to leave. I want you to leave, Carlton.
Valerie: Will, I'm trying to watch the movie. If you're not interested, why don't you go for a walk or something?
Will: [scoffs] Fine. Oh. And they shoot the damn dog.

Quote from Geoffrey

Will: [on the phone] Hello. No, this ain't Carlton, this is Will. Oh, Valerie. Yeah, yeah, you know what? I got some choice words for you too, girl. How you gonna j- Hello? Aahh! [puts phone down] Man, I could kill that Carlton.
Geoffrey: Master William, if you're serious, I could make a call.
Will: I was just kidding, G.
Geoffrey: Me too.

Quote from Nicky

Nicky: Hey, Will, wanna play catch?
Will: Uh, I'm sorry, Nicky. Not now, man. I'm not in the mood.
Nicky: Carlton won't play with me, either. What's going on?
Will: Well, we're kind of having problems.
Nicky: Maybe you should talk to somebody.
Will: You're right. Look, Nicky, it's like this, man. We always make...
Nicky: Not me. I'm just a kid.

Quote from Nicky

Hilary: Okay, Ashley. You ready?
Nicky: What are you doing?
Hilary: Driving lessons.
Nicky: Lesson number one: Use a car.

Quote from Will

Old Carlton: [grunts]
Old Will: Damn, still alive.
Old Carlton: You know what keeps me going? The thought of dancing on your grave.
Old Will: Dance on my grave, will you? Damn.
Nurse: Come, Mr. Smith. It's time for your sponge bath.
Old Will: Oh, hey, good thing too, because I'm feeling dirty. Ha-ha-ha. Tootsie roll.
Old Carlton: Oh. Oh, my leg. My leg.
Old Will: Aw. Come on, girl, you gonna fall for that? What about my sponge bath? I'll let you shave me. Ha-ha-ha.
Nurse: Let me take care of Mr. Banks first.
Old Will: Oh. I get it. First you steal my girl and now you're gonna steal my nurse. You old prune. I ought to knock your teeth out.
Old Carlton: Go ahead, they're in the glass next to my bed.

Quote from Will

Will: Mm. Valerie "The girl of my dream" Johnson, is in the house. Hey, you know, we got this little game that we play. You know, I ask her out and she says no, you know. Right now, she's winning 64-zip, but I feel lucky.

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