Philip: All right, all right. That's enough. Look, why don't I tell you guys a story?
Will: Now look what you done.
Carlton: I like Dad's stories. And some day, I'm gonna tell my kids these same pointless anecdotes. Go ahead, Dad.
Philip: All right. Well, when I was growing up, my best friend lived in the next apartment. His name was Ralph. And one day, after 18 years of friendship, we had a fight. Well, I went to college and he joined the Navy. Five years ago I went to our high school reunion. I was determined to bury the hatchet. But Ralph didn't show up. I found out that he died the month before. Well, I never had a chance to make peace with him. What's even worse, I can't even remember what we fought about. You kids should think about that.
Will: Hold up a second there, Aesop. What's this apartment stuff? I thought you grew up on a farm.
Philip: Well, in the South, "farm" and "apartment" are interchangeable.
Carlton: Uh Uh, uh, five years ago? Since when do they have reunions for your 22nd year?
Will: Yeah, man. And how all of a sudden...?
Philip: Okay, okay, I made it up. All right? Pfft.

Ashley: Hilary, Nicky's right. Can we just get in the car?
Hilary: I don't think you're ready to get behind the wheel yet. Now, put the car in gear and pull cautiously away from the curb. Ashley.
Ashley: What?
Hilary: You're in neutral. Okay, we're driving down Sunset. Ooh, cute boy, 3 o'clock. Ha, ha. Keep your eyes on the road.
Ashley: Hilary.
Hilary: Now, take a left on Rodeo. Remember to signal. Oh, look, there's Bruce and Demi. Hi. Yuck, what is she wearing?
Ashley: Hilary, this is beyond stupid.
Hilary: Use your imagination. You're doing great. [sighs] We're driving. We're driving. Stop.
Ashley: What?
Hilary: Cartier's having a sale. Pick me up in an hour.

Carlton: Did you put super glue in my hair gel?
Will: [chuckles] Hey, that's what you get for stealing my girl.
Carlton: I didn't have to steal her. She was bored with you so she came to me, a real man.
Will: So, what you saying? I'm not a real man?
Carlton: Yeah, you got it. You should know that all that "yo, yo, hey, baby, bap, bap, bap" stuff is just played out. It worked in high school, but now it's just embarrassing.
Will: So I'm the embarrassment now, huh? Take it easy, stumpy.
Carlton: And you know something else? I'm tired of all those short jokes. I'm average height.
Will: For a woman.
Carlton: I'm large enough for Valerie.
Will: You wants to go there, huh?

Will: Hey, Carlton, what's up, man? These are the books I need.
Carlton: Will, classes have been in session for five weeks and you're buying books now?
Will: Oh, yeah, I thought I'd get an early start this year. Look, check it out, I need English Lit 101, Sociology 101 and Human Sexuality 420.
Carlton: Four-twenty? That's a graduate course.
Will: Oh, yeah, I did advance placement in high school. You know what I mean?

Valerie: Are you crying?
Carlton: Um... No, I think I've got something in my eye.
Valerie: It's okay, Carlton, this movie always gets to me too. Don't be afraid to show your feelings.
Will: Well, you know, sometimes I be at the crib alone... and I just be crying for nothing.
Karen: What a punk.
Carlton: Is that a cigarette? [Karen blows smoke in his face] That is a cigarette. You know, in case you haven't heard tar and nicotine are damaging to your lungs. It isn't just a rumor, it will give you a tumor. [Karen drops her cigarette in Carlton's drink] Thank you.

Carlton: Can't we just talk about this?
Will: Listen, I don't wanna talk about nothing. I just wanna watch the game and forget it.
Carlton: Fine with me.
Will: Careful with that drumstick, Uncle Phil. Turn your back, Carlton's liable to start eating and say: "Oops. Dad, it just jumped in my mouth."
Carlton: Well, maybe that wouldn't happen if you treated the drumstick like a person instead of a piece of meat.
Will: You know what, Carlton? You ain't nothing but a dog.
Carlton: Oh, yeah? Well, you're an acrimonious, rancorous, virulent coveter.
Will: Oh, yeah? Well, you ain't nothing but a dog.

Will: Hey, hey, who's up for a video?
Karen: A video? Hmf. Hey.
Will: No, this is 9 1/2 Weeks.
Valerie: That is a sex movie.
Will: Really? I thought it was a documentary about Vanilla Ice's career.

Jazz: What's so important, you had to page me during a high-speed chase?
Will: Hey, Jazz, I need you to come on a double date with me.
Jazz: Since I married Jewel, I'm a changed man. Unless the double date's with Hilary. Hey, brown sugar.
[helicopter whirring] I gotta go.

Ashley: Oh, I'm so excited. I just got my permit so I'm gonna go driving with Daddy.
Will: Ashley, stop. U-turn, go back. You're going the wrong way. You're going the wrong way.
Ashley: Come on, Will, he can't be that bad.
Hilary: Ashley, Daddy's fine when he's driving. When he's in the passenger seat, he turns ugly. "You're going fast. You're going slow."
Carlton: "Take a left. Take a right."
Will: "I don't care how pretty she is, you can't drive on the sidewalk." Look, Ashley, get out while you can. Whoop, too late.

Carlton: I think he wants you to leave.
Will: I don't want her to leave. I want you to leave, Carlton.
Valerie: Will, I'm trying to watch the movie. If you're not interested, why don't you go for a walk or something?
Will: [scoffs] Fine. Oh. And they shoot the damn dog.