Philip: So I'm at an anti-war rally getting ready to burn my draft card and Janice offers me a light.
Hilary: I am so against war. I mean, there's death and destruction... and they preempt your favorite programs. I remember during Desert Storm, trying to find Knots Landing...

Hilary: I have the greatest news. You know Al Riggins, the talk-show host?
Will: Yeah.
Hilary: Well, he's in a coma and they want me to test as his replacement. My horoscope was right. This is my lucky day.
Ashley: Hilary, aren't you even a little concerned?
Hilary: Oh, I'm plenty concerned. My competition is anchorwoman Mara Lopez. And you know how they favor those minority people.
Will: Maybe science can just come get her brain now.

Philip: Well, the secret to a successful cookout is flame control.
Janice: Remember the last barbecue we were at? We were on the Jersey Shore protesting that toxic dump.
Philip: Oh, is that why that chicken tasted so funny?
Janice: We formed a human chain and kept the trucks out. Oh, remember?
Philip: Of course I remember. You were wearing that calico halter-top.
Janice: You know, I still have that halter-top.
Vivian: Philip, the fire's getting a little too hot. [sprays Philip with water] There, that's better.
Philip: Vivian, that was extremely childish.
Vivian: Childish? You are the one who is gawking over this woman in our own backyard.
Philip: She is an old friend. You cannot fault me for being friendly.
Vivian: Saint Bernards are friendly. But even they don't slobber as much as you.

Carlton: Well, this hundred dollars says that she goes out with me first.
[After Carlton places his wallet down and walks over to Will, Geoffrey goes and grabs a note from Carlton's wallet]
Will: Okay, here's 50. And another 50. You're on and may the best man win: Me.
Geoffrey: [clears throat] Might I get in on this? Sure things don't come along every day. On Master William.
Carlton: Why would you pick him?
Geoffrey: With all due respect, young sir, I've seen you in action with women, and quite frankly, you're an idiot.

Will: And you're sure that Aunt Viv is cool with your ex-girlfriend coming to visit, huh?
Philip: Oh well, actually, Janice was never officially my girlfriend. Not that I didn't try. Man, oh, man, did I try. Flowers, poems, dinners. I must have sprung for over 50 of them.
Will: Well, maybe it would have worked if you had taken her too. Sorry, it was just a little collegiate humor.

Will: Hey, G, I gotta tell you, man. If this girl is built anything like her mother I might have to check the premises, you know what I'm saying? I might have to go see what the foundation is like, know what I mean?
Carlton: Hold your permit, mister. What makes you think the daughter's gonna opt for you when she can have me?
Will: Well, number one, because I don't be saying stuff like "opt." Number two, because Geoffrey still has to cut up your food.

Wendy: Are those prunes?
Carlton: Yes. I have this theory about regularity. Perhaps after dinner we can go for a drive and talk about it in depth.
Will: I'm telling you, G, get down for another hundred.

Philip: Geoffrey, where's my purple tie?
Geoffrey: It's in your tie drawer next to the Pringles.
Will: Least that's better than the Kit Kat he keep with his drawers.

Janice: [o.s.] So how would you describe the earthquake?
Will: Well, you know, it was kind of like Shaq picked up the pool house and he was shaking it, you know, like them little snow globes. You know, then... Then I heard all this crying.
Janice: [o.s.] Was that baby Nicky?
Will: No, no, baby Carlton.
Janice: [o.s.] He's not the most mature young man, is he?
Will: Well, he's kind of like a 10-year-old trapped in a 12-year-old's body.

Will: Well, listen Mrs. Robertson, I have to be honest. I'm... I'm, you know not really feeling right about being here with you in, you know that... That thing.
Janice: Is there a problem?
Will: Well, yeah, I mean when a woman changes into something more comfortable, it usually means she wanna get more comfortable, you know. And frankly, I'm a little uncomfortable with this higher level of comfort.
Janice: Will, I've put on a couple of pounds, and my dress was too tight. There, you happy?
Will: I'm so sorry. I'm sorry. I was completely out of line. Listen, my uncle has a fat problem. I should be more sensitive.