Judge: Mr. Smith.
Will: Thank you. Your Honor, I'm from West Philadelphia, born and raised. On the playground is where I spent most of my days. I don't have a big bag of fancy courtroom tricks. Or a high-priced degree from Princeton like my worthy adversary, Judge Philip Banks. But what I do have is the truth!
Philip: Oh, shut up, Will! Your Honor, Mr. Smith is making a mockery of the entire legal system.
Will: And this man is making a mockery of a finely cut Italian suit.
Judge: Order in the court.

Hilary: Thank you, Chet. It's good to be back. Yes, I'm here at the Farmers Market, and as you can see my fans haven't forgotten me.
Man: Why haven't you answered any of my letters?
Hilary: Well, the good news is the heat wave is over. L.A. will have a high tomorrow of only 65. [crowd cheers] Oh, sorry, that "LA" stands for Louisiana. Our high will be 112. [crowd groans] Well, they have the same abbreviation. This is Hilary Banks surrounded by ordinary people at the Farmers Market. Now back to you, Chet. Don't any of you touch me.

Philip: I can't believe she wore that dress.
Geoffrey: Would you like a Swedish meatball, sir?
Philip: Don't mind if I do.
Geoffrey: Ah-ah. Only one, sir. The rest are for Master William and his friends, poolside.
Philip: What? I can't believe that he would deliberately disobey me!
Geoffrey: I wouldn't call it disobedience, sir. It's more like outright defiance.
Philip: That's it! [exits]
Geoffrey: [to himself] Dance, puppets, dance!

Carlton: Hey, Will, any sign of Dad yet?
Will: Well... That's either him or a rhino that got his horn chopped off.

Carlton: I don't know why I ever listen to you. I was content having my father push me around for the rest of my life. Now who knows what he's gonna do to us.
Will: Relax, man, what's he gonna do, sue us?
Geoffrey: Oh, gosh, now you've gone and spoiled the surprise.
Will: What's this?
Geoffrey: Subpoenas from your father. And may I say, it's been a pleasure serving you.

Carlton: What's this?
Philip: A bill for your breakfast.
Carlton: Dad, this is an outrage! Three dollars for orange juice?
Geoffrey: Oh, and I've taken the liberty of adding a 15-percent gratuity.

Will: Okay, Miss Banks, you were the previous tenant in the aforementioned pool house, is that correct?
Hilary: Yes.
Will: And would you please tell us of your experiences there.
Hilary: Am I under oath?
Judge: Of course.
Hilary: Well, Trevor would come over at about 3 o'clock in the morning and we would...
Will, Carlton & Philip: Objection!
Judge: That does it! You may step down.

Carlton: Dad, when are you gonna get the air conditioner fixed? It's sweltering in our place.
Will: Yeah, man, it's so hot out there the Uh-Huh Girls just went: Unh.
Hilary: Everybody keeps talking about this heat wave. Maybe I should mention it in today's weather report.
Will: You know, that girl has got the mind of Willard Scott. Hey. Come to think of it, you got his body. Y'all should team up.

Philip: [on the phone] Everything is fine, Vivian. Tell Ashley and Nicky that I miss them too. Okay? Okay, love you. Oh, kiss your sister for me. [hangs up] God knows I wouldn't do it.

Hilary: Well, Daddy, L.A.'s favorite weather girl is ready to go back to work.
Philip: With that on?
Hilary: Oh, I know, I'm tired of black too but I want the public to know I'm still mourning Trevor's death.
Philip: Oh, you know, I just don't think that black is the right color for this kind of heat.
Hilary: Oh, don't worry, Daddy, this dress is surprisingly cool. It's like I'm wearing practically nothing.
[Philip nudges Geoffrey after noticing him staring at Hilary]
Geoffrey: She's not my daughter.