Carlton: She's in here. Look, whatever you do, don't mention her chins.
Will: Or her ankles. Or her feet. Oh, and whatever you do, never ever feed her after midnight.

Will: All right, it's cool. Everything's cool, Aunt Viv. Everything's cool. All right, check it out. Carlton, you boil some water. Ashley, you go get some blankets. Hilary, you circle the wagons.
Vivian: Will, honey, what are you talking about?
Will: I wish to God I knew, Aunt Viv.

Philip: Calm down, now. Now, I trained as a lawyer for many years. I was trained in the art of negotiation, okay? Observe. Sir, give me that damn phone or I'm gonna rip your liver out and eat it raw.
Will: That's right, boy, and he about due for a snack.
Man: Yes, sir.

Vy: Don't worry, Geoffrey, we're on our way. Vivian's having the baby. We've got to get out of here.
Janice: Finally. I'll go get Carlton.
Vy: Come on, Hilary.
Hilary: I can't go into a hospital looking like this. The place is full of doctors.
Vy: Hilary, please don't tell me you're that superficial.
Hilary: Well, it may be superficial to you, but I'm young, I can still get a husband.
Vy: Not without any teeth, you won't.

Hilary: Hi, Mom. Mom!
Carlton: Mom, you're still pregnant.
Vivian: You think?
Philip: I can't do this anymore.
Will: Look, me neither. I mean, getting woke up in the middle of the night by a naked man running around the house.
Geoffrey: I'm sorry, I thought you were all asleep.
Will: Not you, G.
Geoffrey: Oh, never mind.

Vivian: Look, now, everybody calm down. False alarms happen all the time.
Will: But Uncle Phil was naked, Aunt Viv.
Philip: Shut up, Will. Vivian, I wanna have this baby already.
Vivian: Oh, you think I don't? I feel like I ate a Buick.
Will: Look like a Winnebago from here.
Philip: Baby, is there anything more I can do for you?
Will: Will you look at her, Uncle Phil? Haven't you done enough? Leave her alone.

Philip: [on the phone] Well, Doctor, the pains are coming closer together. Well, they start in the abdomen and they kind of radiate up and down in all directions.
Vivian: Philip, what are you talking about? I'm not having any pains.
Philip: Well, I am. Well, yes, Thursday afternoon will be fine. Yes, thank you.
Geoffrey: Yes, your Majesty?
Vivian: Geoffrey, from an objective point of view, who is having this baby? Him or me?
Geoffrey: It's rather difficult to tell just by looking.

Vivian: Oh, this baby's coming. I gotta get to the hospital.
Ashley: Don't worry, Mom, I'll get you there.
Vivian: Ashley, you can't drive.
Ashley: Grow up. I've been taking the car since I was 12.

Carlton: We should get a picture of this. Doc, would you do the honors?
Doctor: Sure.
Will: Look, he look like a little Black Yoda.

Ashley: Wonder if Mom had the baby yet.
Hilary: I know.
Carlton: Birth is a miraculous thing, isn't it? To think I was once inside of a woman's body. I find that hard to believe.
Will: I think we all do, Carlton.