Previous Episode Next Episode 

‘That's No Lady, That's My Cousin’ Quotes Page 1 of 2

The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air: That's No Lady, That's My Cousin

303. That's No Lady, That's My Cousin

Aired September 28, 1992

After Philip and Vivian break the news that they're expecting, they ask Hilary to move out of the house. Meanwhile, Ashley has her first day at a new school as Bel-Air Prep goes co-ed.

Quote from Ashley

Ashley: I was so sure looking like this would make me popular. [Ashley pulls a tissue out of her bra as she begins to cry] I mean, what do guys want, anyway?
Will: Ashley, look, guys want a girl who's sweet and kind and smart. Just like you.
Ashley: Kenny wanted the girl with back.
Will: Ashley, look, Kenny's a special case.
Ashley: Carlton wanted the same girl.
Will: Well, see, Carlton's a basket case.
Ashley: What about all the boys in the hall yesterday?
Will: See, Ashley-
Ashley: And all the guys in the beer commercials?
Will: Look, Ashley-
Ashley: And all the guys who ask Hilary out.

Rate

Quote from Will

Will: Hold up. [monologue] Am I as superficial as all those guys I warned Ashley about? I mean could it be that I'm more obsessed with breasts and thighs than Colonel Sanders ever was? [The Battle Hymn of the Republic plays] Mightn't I be able to look deeper? I mean, to cherish women as full and complete and complex individuals. And with this new understanding to finally find and keep this true love that eludes so many of us. Nah! [to a passing woman] Yo, baby, I know your feet must be tired 'cause you been running through my mind all day. Come here, girl!

Quote from Philip

Philip: [recording] Hi, little one. Of course, you won't make an appearance for about six months now but I thought you'd like to meet your family. I'm your daddy. Can you say "daddy"? And here... Here is your mommy. And here is you. Hello in there. Mommy, why don't we call the kids down and tell them that you're pregnant? Kids! Kids! Come on down, we have a big surprise for you.
Will: Oh, check it out. LAPD, The Home Game. We're making a movie? Here, check it out, Uncle Phil. Hold on. [screams] I have fallen and I can't get up.
Philip: Will. Kids, come on now, brace yourself. I have some very important news for you.
Carlton: Okay, but I'm living with the one who keeps the house.
Philip: No, no. We're not getting a divorce, stupid. We're having a baby. [all laugh]
Will: Wait. Hold it, hold it, hold it. You and you? [screams]
Vivian: This is serious. We're having a baby.
Will: Yo, they ain't laughing, y'all.
Hilary: Okay, I think I speak for everyone when I say: Ew! And I'm not baby-sitting.
Ashley: I'm not changing diapers.
Carlton: And I'm not sharing my trust fund.
Philip: Let's try this again, shall we? [rewinds] Now, kids, I have great news. We're going to have a baby!
Kids: [weakly] Yay.

Quote from Hilary

Hilary: I can't believe how hard it is to find a beachfront place with a pool and tennis court for $500 a month. I mean, what's happening to this country? It's enough to make me want to vote.
Philip: Maybe you should lower your standards a little.
Hilary: You're not going to be happy until I'm living in a trailer, eating Spam on Ritz. I mean, that's where this is going, isn't it?
Vivian: Sweetheart, I found a few places that don't look so bad.
Hilary: I'm beginning to get the idea that you want to get rid of me.
Philip: Run with that.

Quote from Hilary

Hilary: This place has got it all. Pool, tennis, and full utilities. And I won't need any more than the $500 a month that Daddy promised me.
Vivian: That's an incredible deal.
Philip: Unbelievable, even. I think we should see this place.
Hilary: Well, if you want to.
Vivian: I wouldn't miss it. I'll get the car keys.
Hilary: Oh, no, you're not going to need them.
Philip: Why? Is it in the neighborhood?
Hilary: You're getting warmer.
Vivian: Well, where is it, exactly?
Hilary: I'm going to live in the pool house. You said I had to be out of the house, but not off of the property. And with the money that Daddy promised me it will cover my furniture rental.

Quote from Will

Will: Look, all right, okay. Look, Ashley, I can't lie to you, all right? Some guys don't know what's special about a woman. Actually, a lot of guys don't know. Well, really, damn near all guys don't know. Look, Ashley, there's still some guys that appreciate quality, you know? And you're quality. I mean, you don't got to do all this. Just work on being you. I'm telling you, the right guy will come along. I promise you.
Ashley: Okay.
Will: Have your people call my people. We'll do lunch. Give Mama a kiss, baby.
Ashley: I'm really glad you're my cousin.
Will: Mama know. Go on, girl.

Quote from Hilary

Hilary: I did it. I found the perfect place, and it's within my budget.
Philip: You did?
Vivian: That's great, baby.
Hilary: You guys were right. I do have what it takes to survive. And it's true what they say: "You give a man a fish, you feed him for a day. But you give a man a cow and he can eat for a month, maybe more."
Philip: Don't, don't, don't. She's on a roll.

Quote from Hilary

Hilary: The catering business is so unfair. I mean, a couple of nuns get botulism and all of a sudden, I'm blacklisted.
Philip: Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's too bad. So how's the apartment hunting going, honey?
Hilary: Excuse me?
Philip: Hilary, we've been over this. With the baby coming, we're going to need the room.
Hilary: Wait a minute. I have to move out? Whose fault is it that she's pregnant? Besides, we have three extra bedrooms.
Philip: Yes, and we don't want you in any of them.

Quote from Philip

Philip: Good morning, honey.
Vivian: [mouth full] Morning.
Philip: Going to the electric chair?
Vivian: Philip, since I got pregnant, I can't stop eating.
Philip: But, honey, you got to be careful of what you eat. Remember, baby, you're eating for two now.
Vivian: You better watch it, since I could get used to all this attention, you know.
Philip: That's fine with me, baby. Let me take care of you. No, no, that's all fat. No, no, all sugar. No, no, that's all right. [eats]

Quote from Hilary

Vivian: Philip. Hilary, honey, what your father's trying to say is... you don't live here anymore, honey.
Hilary: [sobs] But this is all so sudden. I mean, like, if I'd only had some kind of warning or something. [sobs to no effect] Hello, is this on? Where do you expect me to go? I don't have anything saved.
Vivian: Honey, we'll pay first and last month's rent.
Hilary: What about the months in between?
Philip: Get a job.
Hilary: Again? What a week. First, those damn nuns, now this.

Quote from Ashley

Ashley: Mom, I look dorky.
Vivian: Oh, honey, you look adorable. You're just nervous about your first day at a new school, but don't be, come on. You're going to make a lot of new friends.
Ashley: What if no one likes me?
Will: Just do what Carlton does: Give them money.
Philip: Sweetheart, you're going to be all right. You have a wonderful personality.
Ashley: Oh, great, now I'm ugly.

Quote from Carlton

Carlton: Ah, this is a great day. Little Ashley joining me at Bel-Air Prep.
Ashley: Hey, I thought you asked Dad to send me to public school.
Carlton: Merely a trial balloon. The fact remains that I love you. But if we run into each other at school, act like we've never met. Don't acknowledge me, don't talk to me, act like I'm invisible.
Will: And if you're not sure how, just do what all the other girls do.
Carlton: Look, I'm serious. This is my senior year, and I don't want you tagging along. I've worked too hard at becoming popular.
Will: And any day now, it's going to kick in, right?
Carlton: Darn tooting.

Quote from Will

Will: Hey, look. I just think it's about time Bel-Air Prep went coed. There's going to be cute girls everywhere. Cute, rich girls that know the one thing their parents can't stand is for them to be dating a big Black dude.
Ashley: Will, can I hang out with you until I make some friends?
Will: Oh, yeah, sure, Ash. Just look for the huddle of girls with the chocolate center.

Quote from Will

Carlton: It's a disgrace. It's a scandal. It's an outrage! It's the mother of my children.
Will: Carlton, look. The way to make an impression is to relax, man. You got to be calm, chill out a little bit. Hurt me! Hurt me! What's up, baby?
Veronica: The name's Veronica.
Will: Veronica, I likes that.
Veronica: Great. Now, I can die.
Will: Hold up, baby. See now, I noticed you noticing me. So I just want to put you on notice that I noticed you, too.
Veronica: And?
Will: And to let you know that, you know, I might consider letting you be with me.
Veronica: Is that what passes for a compliment around here?
Will: Look, baby, listen.
Veronica: No, you listen. If you want a shot at being with me maybe you should try talking to me like a human being, okay? Got it?
Will: Actually, baby, you got it, but I take donations.

Quote from Will

Kenny: Dag, Will. You sure have a way with the ladies. Hey, man, what's your secret?
Will: Well, I would like to help you out, my brother. But, you know, it's a chemical thing.
Kenny: You drug them?
Will: No, no, no. Look, Kenny, it's instinct. Like, you know the old saying: "Those who can, do, those who can't, teach"? Well, I can and I do.
Kenny: Oh, that's deep, man.

Page 2 

 Previous Episode Next Episode 
  View another episode